How Does One Handle Giving "Tough Love" To A Friend Or Loved One?

[JDXXX]

Hello Gents -

 

It's always been a mystery to me of what the "True" meaning of "Tough Love" really is to most people or can one express "tough love" in a way that's meaningful.

 

I've always wondered how can one express it where it is meaningful, but in a caring way at the sametime.

 

I've had some "Tough Love" done to me before in regards to advice from a close friend that's had me to think over some important factors in my life that I can enhance or improve for the better(that is all for the good of course). I know this friend really cares about me, and only want the best for me, and my future, but needed to use some "tough love" to make me think good and hard of what's important and make sure the advice he was giving stick, and it did.

 

I've used "tough love" on a friend that has worked for a little while, but whatever I said must have went in one ear and out the other as my advice didn't stick for very long I see. Looks like I may need to use another approach to get my point across about his meth addition as wanna talk to him about it, and get him some help, but scared he might run away as I'm only trying to help him get better.

 

What does one do in a tough situation as this when you feel you cant get through to them getting help for they're drug or alcohol addiction ? . I want to help him get though this, but just figuring out the best way to handle it without it going sour, and lose him.

[tyro]

JD, you know about the man I had to evict two months ago. I just saw him at my job. I'm not sure he noticed me, but we didn't acknowledge each other. It was as though we'd never met.

 

The addiction will always be most important. You have tried to help. Pray to the Highest Power of your understanding and let your friend go.

 

This is tough love -- telling someone where the end of the line really is. You've come to the end of this road with this person. Let him go.

T

[marylander1940]

Good question! I think it's better to apologized for being nosy than watching a friend or a loved one making a huge mistake.

 

What I mean is that if you have something to say in order to warn a person you love about the direction he's life is headed, just say it... if he reacts in a bad way, at least you know you tried to help him/her and he/she might think it over and change. That's is better than regretting not having tried something.

 

http://wouldashoulda.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/logo.png

[seaboy4hire]

Ah the joys of drugs. The best thing you can do is make it known that you'll be there for them but ultimately you are going to have to walk away and watch them fall. That person is going to need to hit rock bottom, whatever that is for them. It sucks watching people destroy a part of themselves over drugs. I've had to watch it happen and remove myself from the situation and it hurt a lot. Unfortunately one person is dead due to cancer and the other is living a sober life now.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[+ WilliamM]

What does one do in a tough situation as this when you feel you cant get through to them getting help for they're drug or alcohol addiction ? . I want to help him get though this, but just figuring out the best way to handle it without it going sour, and lose him.

 

There is no one way because everyone is a unique individual. So I can only comment in general. Try very hard to help with the understanding that you may lose him in the process. You are a good person, JD.

[rvwnsd]

...

What does one do in a tough situation as this when you feel you cant get through to them getting help for they're drug or alcohol addiction ? . I want to help him get though this, but just figuring out the best way to handle it without it going sour, and lose him.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do and it sounds like this is one of those times. It is tough. I speak from experience.

[+ sync]

JD, as we all know, addictions are formidable foes, even for addiction-treating specialists. You will most likely need to focus your tough love onto yourself to pull back before your emotional investment in your friend's addiction consequences begin to negatively impact your life as well. I wish the best for you and your friend.

[+ Cash4Trash]

One thing you can do is make sure your friend has a complete list of professionals and services that help with addiction problems. Any hospital in your area that specializes in drug issues, drug counseling centers,

Narcotics Anonymous meetings in his area, etc. Might even talk to a professional yourself to get some guidance. After that, you can't want sobriety for him more than he does. When he hits bottom that list will be helpful.

Have him check into a site like Reddit that will have a community of addicts talking about how they kicked the habit. Good luck.

[JDXXX]

JD, you know about the man I had to evict two months ago. I just saw him at my job. I'm not sure he noticed me, but we didn't acknowledge each other. It was as though we'd never met.

 

The addiction will always be most important. You have tried to help. Pray to the Highest Power of your understanding and let your friend go.

 

This is tough love -- telling someone where the end of the line really is. You've come to the end of this road with this person. Let him go.

T

 

I guess to a certain degree it's hard to let go being he's been a good friend of mine for 12 years. I know in the back of my mind it's something I'm gonna have to do eventually, but in a supportive way. I know how hurt, alone, and uncomfortable feeling of abandonment would take it's toll on me which is worse sometimes then being on the drugs itself.

 

Good question! I think it's better to apologized for being nosy than watching a friend or a loved one making a huge mistake.

 

What I mean is that if you have something to say in order to warn a person you love about the direction he's life is headed, just say it... if he reacts in a bad way, at least you know you tried to help him/her and he/she might think it over and change. That's is better than regretting not having tried something.

 

http://wouldashoulda.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/logo.png

 

Hi Marylander,

 

Thank you so much for your advice, and guidance. It's great to see you posting, and it's a pleasure to see you chime in. What you said is absolutely on point, and will utilize what your thoughts as well as it's excellent advice. .

 

Thank you!!

 

Ah the joys of drugs. The best thing you can do is make it known that you'll be there for them but ultimately you are going to have to walk away and watch them fall. That person is going to need to hit rock bottom, whatever that is for them. It sucks watching people destroy a part of themselves over drugs. I've had to watch it happen and remove myself from the situation and it hurt a lot. Unfortunately one person is dead due to cancer and the other is living a sober life now.

 

Hugs,

Greg

 

Hi Greg,

 

Thanks for chiming in as your advice is very inspiring as well, and will take what you said to help save my friends life, and support him getting help as much as I can. He has to want to decease his addition in order to have a clean and healthy life of course.

 

Hugs back at ya:cool:!!

 

There is no one way because everyone is a unique individual. So I can only comment in general. Try very hard to help with the understanding that you may lose him in the process. You are a good person, JD.

 

Hi William - Thanks baby for your input and guidance as you always give good advice, and appreciate your outlook on this issue I'm facing as well. You and Steven Kesslar always have a way of guiding others in the right direction.

 

Sometimes there is nothing you can do and it sounds like this is one of those times. It is tough. I speak from experience.

 

Hi Rvwnsd - Thank you, baby for being supportive and chiming in as it's always great to hear from you and especially on an important matter such as my friends meth addiction.

 

Question - You said you speak from experience - Have you had a friend or loved on who's battling a drug addition? I found what you said very intriguing, and just curious to know.

 

One thing you can do is make sure your friend has a complete list of professionals and services that help with addiction problems. Any hospital in your area that specializes in drug issues, drug counseling centers,

Narcotics Anonymous meetings in his area, etc. Might even talk to a professional yourself to get some guidance. After that, you can't want sobriety for him more than he does. When he hits bottom that list will be helpful.

Have him check into a site like Reddit that will have a community of addicts talking about how they kicked the habit. Good luck.

 

Hi Cash,

 

I have a friend/client who's therapist, and he has been of great help in helping me outsource in getting my friend the proper help that's needed for him to beat this addiction. I'm gonna look into a few rehabilitation programs that specializes in substance abuse treatments at both USC, and UCLA(where I graduated believe it or not - Go Bruins). Plus, I have connections in the phycology field that will help him further along to seek treatment after rehab.

 

JD, as we all know, addictions are formidable foes, even for addiction-treating specialists. You will most likely need to focus your tough love onto yourself to pull back before your emotional investment in your friend's addiction consequences begin to negatively impact your life as well. I wish the best for you and your friend.

 

Hi Sync - His addiction I must say is a formidable foe as it has added more stress and impact to my life.

 

I have been in conflict with his addiction for about about 2 years now, and just need this "tough love" guidance so he can beat this demon of his for a better life. Thanks to you guys support I have now found my way, and will make sure he seeks help with "tough love" of course, but along with a clear mind, and peace that he has my everlasting support as well.

[rvwnsd]

...

Hi Rvwnsd - Thank you, baby for being supportive and chiming in as it's always great to hear from you and especially on an important matter such as my friends meth addiction.

 

Question - You said you speak from experience - Have you had a friend or loved on who's battling a drug addition? I found what you said very intriguing, and just curious to know....

 

Hi there. Yes, I had a very close friend (e.g. we saw each other at least twice during each week and at least one every weekend) who was a talented skater, creative decorator, techie geek, and extremely nice guy. He rarely drank and would not even consider using drugs. The short version of the story is that he started using crystal meth, stopped taking his HIV meds, contracted full-blown AIDS, moved back to live with his mom in a Midwestern city, and seemed to get his life back together. Then he developed an rare, aggressive form of lymphoma that seems to affect AIDS patients. After a two-year battle that he seemed to be winning, he succumbed and died. I believe he was 48. I was devastated. I tried to help him while he was using, but he wasn't ready. He truly had to hit rock-bottom. It was hard, but I could no longer stand the feeling that I was banging my head against a wall.

 

I'm PMing you with the long-form version of the story, as it is a lot to type here.

[+ sync]

Hi Sync - His addiction I must say is a formidable foe as it has added more stress and impact to my life.

 

I have been in conflict with his addiction for about about 2 years now, and just need this "tough love" guidance so he can beat this demon of his for a better life. Thanks to you guys support I have now found my way, and will make sure he seeks help with "tough love" of course, but along with a clear mind, and peace that he has my everlasting support as well.

 

That is good news, JD. He is truly blessed to have a friend such as you.

[+ stevenkesslar]

Ah the joys of drugs. The best thing you can do is make it known that you'll be there for them but ultimately you are going to have to walk away and watch them fall. That person is going to need to hit rock bottom, whatever that is for them. It sucks watching people destroy a part of themselves over drugs. I've had to watch it happen and remove myself from the situation and it hurt a lot.

 

Boy, did you nail that Greg.

 

It usually only works when the person asks for help.

 

Then, it usually only works when the person who asks for help really means they are asking for help.

 

Then, it usually only works when the person who asks for helps really means they are asking for help when you tell them something other than what they want to hear. If they are not really prepared to change, they will respond by feeling they don't have a problem - you do.

 

Even then, it usually only works when they hit rock bottom, as Greg says. That's where William's advice comes in - it is different for everybody. In one of my brother's case, with alcohol, it cost him a marriage. With drugs and alcohol, the "rock bottom" can be very, very deep. My brother probably got the most help when he joined AA, which was his way of really admitting he had a problem.

 

In my case, fortunately, I've never needed that extreme a version of "tough love." I think the closest I've come to the edge was when the hassles of the collapsing real estate market felt like a huge weight on me, and I felt like it was going to destroy my financial stability. What worked for me was withdrawing to the desert and just trying to calm down, get rid of projects and people that were draining me, and re-energize. That took a few years, during which I hit "rock bottom," which basically amounted to hiding under the covers as much as I could and letting the storm in the outside world pass. The "tough love" part of that experience was that several people who were closest to me kept me "sober" while I was mildly depressed by reminding me that what I was experiencing was not unique, it was the result of choices I made, and it wasn't going to help for me to whine or for them to have pity on me. (Thanks Dane, Epigonos, and Maninsoma, among others). One of them, characteristically, said, "What the fuck did you expect?" It was a blunt way of reminding me that I am responsible for my decisions and choices, even when they don't work out so well at first. It was actually a very good reality check, and in retrospect I feel it's in moments like that I learned who my true friends were: the ones who were brutally honest with me. It didn't make me happy, but it kept me sober and planted in reality until time did its magic.

[+ WilliamM]

My grandparents ceme to the U.S. from Scotland (my dad's family and my mom's). There is deep strains of alcoholism in my mom's family, deep but selective. My grandfather lost his business, but lived to a greatly dimished age 85. My mom's oldest brother died in the street of Boston because of drink.

 

I have been very aware of this background forever. My brother is 6-years younger. I mentioned the family background to him a few weeks age by phone (he lived in Montana). I was shock that he knew nothing about the alcoholism in the family. He has a very demanding, but very satisfying job.

 

So my question? Is it better not to know about family alcohol or drug problems?

[rvwnsd]

I think it is valuable information to have. My mother was a high-functioning alcoholic and my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic who would go on benders and be completely non-functional. My father was obsessive/compulsive, among other things.Knowing that helps me watch for signs of addictive and obsessive/compulsive behavior in myself.