Conflicts of a Gay Youth

[KY_TOP]

Originally I thought about posting this under Tristan's "Not Experiencing Gay Sex/Love While Young" Thread but didn't want to distract from that discussion. I will try to be brief with this story.

 

For the past 2 weeks a young male employee has passed in the office hallways and asked for some of my time. (For the sake of this I will call him Joe). I didn't even know his name and after 3 attempts to see me, in my office, he finally asked for an appointment. I told him I could see him the first thing the next morning for about 15 minutes. Before he arrived I asked a Supervisor his name and was advised the guy was the employee that had filed a sexual harrassent complaint, with our HR dept a week or so ago, against a gay male that had also been his friend. I was familiar with the complaint and had instructed HR how to handle the situation.

 

Joe arrived and immediately asked if I was aware of his complaint and I told him I was. I assured him we had taken care of the person and that I took his complaint very seriously and that I did not believe there would be further contact there in the workplace. He said the guy was now telling everyone else that Joe was also gay. Joe told me he was 20 years old, dated a girlfriend for 2 years, wasn't gay but "might" be bi. I listened, assured him I would deal with the situation and told him we were a gay friendly workplace and whether he was or wasn't made no difference to me. Joe stated that his sexuality was no ones business and I agreed. As an employee I assured him his welfare was important and I would personally take care of his situation. He mentioned he was confused and that he wasn't comforable with his "sexuality". Then he stood to leave and said " _____ told me I should talk to you and you might be able to help me."

 

At this point I realized he didn't want to talk about his complaint, he needed someone to talk with about his conflicts with his sexuality.

Now I am not openly gay at work and only a few people there know I am gay. I asked him to sit back down, actually thought of Tristan's thread, and for the first time in my life I looked at an employee and said "I'm Gay and I understand what you are going through." He smiled and said "really, bells don't go ding ding ding when I talk to you but they sure do with ____ ( the guy that told him to see me)." I laughed and told him his gaydar was off abit.

 

For the next 90 minutes, I ignored my next 2 appointments, the phone ringing, my boss and we talked. He told me about his "feelings" for men, since he was 14, even though he had never had sex with a guy. We talked about his conflicts within himself, not wanting to be gay, suicide rates of young gay men, his religious conflicts, what his str8 friends would think, and many other things we all went though at a young age coming to grips with being gay. He told me he prays to God every night not to be gay. He had mentioned to his sister that he might be gay and she that was OK if he "Chose" to be that way. He told her it wasn't a choice and she didn't understand.

 

I post this here because I want to thank Tristan for starting the other thread and to thank others for your stories and comments. Many of your thoughts came to my mind as I talked with this 20 Year old Gay man. (Yes he did admit during the conversation that he was gay.) I also told him there was much he could be missing out on in life and relayed a lot about my personal life and what I felt I missed by fighting with myself for years over being Gay and getting Married, hoping not to be.

 

As he stood to leave he asked me to tell no one at work about he being gay. I told him I would keep his secret and that he was the first person at work I had actaully told I was gay. He said he'd not tell anyone and shook my hand. I offered my cell # if he ever needed to talk.

 

I realize this has been long but hopefully tonight Joe will NOT pray to God not to be gay. Instead maybe, hopefully, he is a little closer to overcoming his conflicts with himself trying to come to grips with being Gay.

 

Even though we may think that being Young and Gay is "Easier" today than when we were young, it still isn't easy for most Gay Youth.

 

Again thanks for the comments and Stories, they helped alot with my conversation.

[duke37]

Good for you KY. Thats one sign of positive change when a young person can get a sympathetic ear in the workplace. And as strong an argument for coming out as I can imagine. Great for him he had someone like you.

 

Do you have concerns that this may "open" you out to the rest of the company?

 

Jeff

[Guest Tristan]

KY,

 

I don't think your story would have distracted from my thread, but it may have gotten lost in what has become a relatively long thread. So I believe you made the right decision. Your story is such a wonderful example of a how a discussion on this site actually helped a person with a difficult situation. While it's my understanding that the foremost goal of this site is to provide a way for escorts and clients to meet, and discuss issues, your story is one of the best examples of how topics on this site can go way beyond that in affecting the lives of its members.

 

I feel good that the discussion in my thread helped you resolve a sensitive situation. Thanks for telling us the story. While gay youth today may have it better with a lot more support and resources, you're absolutely right that they still have to deal with deeply embedded prejudice, and that it's just easier for them, not easy.

 

- Tristan

[AaronScottDC]

>Even though we may think that being Young and Gay is "Easier"

>today than when we were young, it still isn't easy for most

>Gay Youth.

>

>Again thanks for the comments and Stories, they helped alot

>with my conversation.

 

Great job, KY! I am very proud of you and pleased to hear what transpired between you and "Joe".

 

You are absolutely correct in saying that many people think that being young and gay today is easier. And, in many ways it certainly is. But, that doesn't mean that there still aren't young gay kids out there struggling with their feelings, emotions, family, religion, friends, relatives, schoolmates, and a whole lot of other issues everyday. Especially in rural areas like Kentucky.

 

I really, truly hope that everything goes well with "Joe" and his struggle to become comfortable with his feelings. What ever happens, I am sure your kind words and support will go a long way toward helping to begin to feel better about himself.

 

 

Aaron Scott DC

http://www.erados.com/AaronScottDC

http://www.male4malescorts.com/reviews/aaronscottdc.html

[seaboy4hire]

KY I think what you did for that young man is great! Although in these days and times it is a little easier for our youth to come out there are still the internal conflicts that they face that I am sure many of the older men face. I remember when I was begining to come out 10 yrs ago this month and man was it hell. I was tortured inside with thoughts that I was the only one even though I had gay friends my age, my family wouldn't understand which my moms side didn't dads side is cool with it and I would grow old with no one in my life which is not true. Not a day goes by without the thought of someone who had helped me fully understand and accept me being gay. More of the youngins out there and even the older guys should seek someone they trust that they can talk to. I'm glad that you took the time on what seemed like a busy day to sit down with "Joe" and listen to him and how he was feeling and letting him know that he wasn't the only one who had those fears and such. I am sure that the time you took with the young man he will forever remember and cherish and I do with those who took the time to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on in those times of need. I hope that one day I'll come across a young man who is confused and not sure what to do and can return the favor that was given to me with the shoulders and ears lent to me. Again KY kudos to you for having the good soul and kind heart.

 

Hugs and licks,

Greg

Greg Seattle Wa [email protected]

http://www.male4malescorts.com/reviews/gregseattle.html http://briefcase.yahoo.com/seaboy4hire

[Guest Tristan]

KY,

 

My previous reply focused on how the discussion here helped you in a difficult situation. It seemed natural to address the influence of that discussion on you. It's been a long day of writing for me, so I neglected to compliment you for what you did for that young man. I think others have already stated the specifics, so I'll just say:

 

You did a really nice thing for him at risk to yourself. He may not realize how lucky he is now, but some day he will. I wish I had encountered someone like you when I was that young man's age.

 

- Tristan

[jackhammer91406]

You give a new meaning to TOP in my book. You and I have had a few chances to share stories, but this one warms my heart in a whole new way.

Great job friend.

;-)

[Guest skrubber]

KY-

That was a very touching story

 

 

Everybody loves Backa Baa

[Guest HiringAgain]

Hi, KY, it's grand that you were so willing and able to help out this young man. In your conversation did the topic turn to the harrassment charge against the coworker? I admit upfront that I am completely ignorant of the those charges or their circumstances. But, I wonder if your young friend's uncertainty and confusion over his sexuality might have caused him to overreact to whatever it was the coworker did or, perhaps, might have lead him to file a complaint to make it seem to the world at large that he is not gay. If there is any germ of truth in this, it could go a long way towards softening the discipline handed out to the offending person.

 

Again, congratulations on being so available and willing to share your life experience with someone on the way up.

[KY_TOP]

>

>Do you have concerns that this may "open" you out to the rest

>of the company?

>

 

Yes I do have some concerns but they are mainly that I don't need to be apart of office/company gossip about my sexuality, I don't have the time to deal with it. As for my job, 20 years ago I would have been fired if they knew I was Gay or at least never been promoted to my present position. I feel today my job and position are secure and that times have also changed here in my workplace.

[KY_TOP]

> Your story is such a wonderful example of a how a discussion on

>this site actually helped a person with a difficult situation.

> While it's my understanding that the foremost goal of this

>site is to provide a way for escorts and clients to meet, and

>discuss issues, your story is one of the best examples of how

>topics on this site can go way beyond that in affecting the

>lives of its members.

 

That was one of my main reasons for this post. People here do sometimes make some valuable points that can actually have a positive affect upon someone outside this forum.

 

> While gay youth today may have it better with a lot

>more support and resources, you're absolutely right that they

>still have to deal with deeply embedded prejudice, and that

>it's just easier for them, not easy.

 

The second reason for this story. Youth today still deal with the internal conflicts that many of us also endured, or maybe actually still endure, due to our orientation.

[KY_TOP]

> In your conversation did the topic turn to

>the harrassment charge against the coworker?

 

Yes it did. Joe stated to me that the other guy had called Joe's mother and told her that Joe was a "faggot". (Rough way to OUT someone). This obviously lead to many comments as to how he and his family were dealing with that. Keep in mind that these 2 young men were at one time friends.

[Guest YFSC]

What a great story.

 

And, KY_TOP, "Joe" is so lucky to have you at the other end of the conversation.

 

Yes, as some others have said above, it is still difficult for young people struggling with their sexuality in spite of the very changed attitudes these days, but it is also true that the likelihood of the kind of reception, attitude and conversation that KY_TOP described would have been much smaller years ago. Especially from one's boss. And probably the opportunity would never have arisen, since there would not have been a sexual harassment complaint.

[VaHawk]

Way to go KYT! Having met you, I know that Joe is really, really lucky to have had you to talk to and to help him throw open the proverbial “closet doors”. Everyone, escort or non-escort, who has met you, knows that you are a truly wonderful, compassionate person. I hope that everything works out great for Joe and I think it is wonderful, that , in return, Joe did you a service by dispelling any questions about you at your workplace. Out and Proud is a wonderful state to be in, and I’m sincerely glad that you are there as far as your professional life goes, and I HOPE, that eventually you take the next baby step and come out proud to your children. I’d be willing to bet anything that they will love and respect you even more than they do now.

 

LOL! Will I get skewered for this? (most likely). But, it seems to me that these two were a tad more than co-worker friends and that Joe, unsure of himself, sent mixed signals to the other guy. As such, I can certainly understand the frustration and anger that the other guy (for the rest of this discussion I will refer to him as Jack) must have felt, and how that would have led him to his actions. Given the situation, I believe Joe was way out of line, to file a sexual harassment suit against Jack at their place of employment. Such an accusation, imo, is far more damaging in all aspects than Jack’s actions, especially as Joe, subsequently came out to you. Once again, imo, Joe owes Jack an apology, should rescind his complaint without prejudice and you both owe Jack a luncheon.

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

Gay Youth

 

>> Your story is such a wonderful example of a how a

>discussion on

>>this site actually helped a person with a difficult

>situation.

>> While it's my understanding that the foremost goal of this

>>site is to provide a way for escorts and clients to meet,

>and

>>discuss issues, your story is one of the best examples of

>how

>>topics on this site can go way beyond that in affecting the

>>lives of its members.

>

>That was one of my main reasons for this post. People here do

>sometimes make some valuable points that can actually have a

>positive affect upon someone outside this forum.

 

 

I was always comfortably in my sexuality when I was younger but what I did appreciate once I started to meet gay men and to express my feelings both sexually and emotionally, was the number of guys, many of them far older than me, who took the time to mentor me.

 

Sometimes, when the topic on hand is the whole twink/older man scenario, the posts which make the strongest impressions on me are when the clients clearly take a somewhat parental/mentoring role with their escorts. With my younger friends, while I admit they try my patience at times, I feel my relationship with them only returns the benefits I received when I was at or near their age and someone else took me in hand. With my friends who escort, some of them have enjoyed the clients who took the time and, more importantly, the interest in talking to them, viewed them as more than a sexual outlet and wanted to share in their life. Some of the young men I spend time with grew up in small towns in Ohio, Arkansas, Idaho and Maine. One grew up in a very religious home and his family do not speak to him. Another was sexually abused as a teenage by his mother's brother (his uncle).

 

Even though they might enjoy some freedoms and rights I did not have at twenty or some of you clients might not have had when you were their age, they can still have problems, concerns and worries which could only be helped, if nothing else, from being shared with a sympathetic and responsive ear.

[golden guy]

RE: Gay Youth

 

Since I can relate to the story from KY Top, I think that when he was choosing a name for himself here on this board, he made a wise choice; KY Top, you are tops! The time and concern you gave this guy was awesome. I am confident that in years to come both will remember that afternoon and how each grew in their own way and smile.

[Will]

From time to time other threads have centered on helping someone to come out. I've participated in such threads myself, and have also participated in threads started by someone who was frightened and confused about his sexuality. It's a wonderful use of this site.

 

It's my view that every time an older gay man comes out as a means of helping a younger man find some peace with himself, the world is a better place. With that one gesture, the older man begins to heal the wounds others inflicted on him years before, and he also curtails the progress of the internalized homophobia that plagued so many of us for so many years, crippling our lives in countless ways.

 

Men who do what you did are heroes. There's no other word for it. All the wars aren't fought with weapons, in uniform, and on battlefields. Some of the most desperate struggles are fought in quiet conversations over an office desk. KY, you earned a medal!

[KY_TOP]

> and I HOPE, that

>eventually you take the next baby step and come out proud to

>your children. I’d be willing to bet anything that they will

>love and respect you even more than they do now.

 

My daughter is living with me again and even though we never talk about it I am sure she is aware. A good female friend of us both, that knows I am gay, told me my daughter knows but doesn't see the need to mention it. Yes she still loves me, stayed with her mother when my "friend" (I am now in a long distance relationship) recently visited from out of town and even went to dinner with us. (My son was invited to go also, but had to work). They hit it off very well and she even talks to him on the phone when he calls. My daughter in her best southern accent says he is "niiice, very niiice" and they make each other laugh alot. I am 47 years old, everything in its own time, I haven't pushed the issue before now so why rush things?

 

>LOL! Will I get skewered for this? (most likely). But, it

>seems to me that these two were a tad more than co-worker

>friends and that Joe, unsure of himself, sent mixed signals

>to the other guy. As such, I can certainly understand the

>frustration and anger that the other guy (for the rest of this

>discussion I will refer to him as Jack) must have felt, and

>how that would have led him to his actions. Given the

>situation, I believe Joe was way out of line, to file a sexual

>harassment suit against Jack at their place of employment.

 

As with most sexual harrassment issues there is alot of "he said, she said" or in this case "he said, he said" and you have to wade through it all. But, there is some obvious evidence of harrassment, possible mixed signals or not, and certain things are not tolerated.

[KY_TOP]

Will, I appreciate yours and others comments but no need to pat me on the back. Everyone's comment in the Tristan thread should make us all want to help others not "regret" as Tristan said, missing apart of Gay Youth that should be Fun and not full of emotional conflicts with one's self. As for me I am very much enjoying my life and if any experience I have had can help someone else with theirs, so much the better.

[Spida]

I wish someone like you had been there to talk to a few years back. Would have made my life easier! Good for you! I have read many people say it is easier to come out these days, and that may be true! However, I think people are thinking of their situations after coming out. Most people still are not as accepting as we would like them to be. Especially if you come from a religeous background or live in certain parts of the country. We know this by the fact sooooo many are trying to stop gay marriage. And I think it is 37 states have laws AGAINST it. Until recently there were even laws on sodomy which basically said it was against the law to be gay.

 

Thanks to people like you and others that are in the spotlight being gay cannot be ignored. Thinking has come along, but there is still a long way to go.

[+ Oliver]

Dear KY -

 

Once again you have shown yourself to be completely compassionate man. I would be proud to call you a friend.

 

Oliver