Toxic Silence

[Guest]

I think we need to have mandatory classes in the schools, that all children would be required to attend, instructing them to speak up promptly if they are touched inappropriately. Kids need to be instructed as to what is inappropriate and to whom they should speak up, and to do so ASAP. I was only fondled once inappropriately, as a 12 year-old in the 7th grade. I told my mother about it that evening. I was immediately taken out of that gym teacher's class, and that was the end of it. The teacher wasn't fired, so I assumed, mistakenly as it turns out, that I was the only one who'd been molested. I guess I must have thought I was uniquely irresistible, or something.

It wasn't until 30 years later, at our 30-year high school reunion, that I learned he was doing it to a lot of other boys. The fellow alumni at our table (those of us who came from the same junior high school tended to stick together when we went to high school) joked about the teacher and was a pervert he was.

People who remain silent after being molested, in my view, share responsibility with the molester who is then free to continue on with others. That's one of the reasons I get really angry when I hear all of these bitches who come out years or decades later when they see $$ in their eyes, and say "Oh, yes! Bill Cosby molested me!" or "Dennis Hastert molested me!".

Every time I hear some jerk come up years later demanding money, when he could have done the responsible thing and spoken up at the time, I wish that the jerk would get a punch in the face for each year he or she remained silent. Then, he or she could get a swift kick in the tush out of the civil courtroom door.

[rguer]

You may have been stronger, and had a more supportive family, than some others.

[+ purplekow]

Apparently you have no shame, but others who have been molested do. Perhaps if they had the strength to speak up they may not have been victimized to start. Many molesters seek out victims who are unlikely to speak out. There is fear of not being believed. There is shame that perhaps this was deserved or prompted. There may be questions of sexual orientation coloring the victims response.

I agree that it would certainly decrease the incidence of this crime if victims spoke out immediately, but not everyone is built in the way you need to be built to do that.

[mike carey]

There has been a Royal Commission into institutional child abuse going on in Australia for over two years. People are coming forward and saying they spoke of it and were ignored or worse beaten in orphanages for 'lying' about it. A lot of school princpals, care workers, religious officials and the like are being dragged before the Commission (it has the power to compel them to attend and be questioned). The former cardinal Archbishop of Sydney has been called to be questioned again (he will be coming back from Rome). The Royal Commission is getting extensive coverage on the nightly news when it is in session. Some of the stories are heartrending. A lot of people have complained about miserly compensation organisations have paid under take-it-or-leave-it conditions, with the added imposition of confidentiality clauses. The compensation cases have been going on for ages. There are new victims coming forward as well, but it seems most of them want an acknowledgement of what happened—to them or to the parents of victims who had commited suicide—and an apology.

[+ quoththeraven]

I applaud the first paragraph and bemoan the rest of the post. I am glad that you had no problem speaking up. I was never put in that position; unlike most women, I've never been sexually assaulted or directly harassed, although in many situations I've been at a disadvantage or not taken seriously because of my gender, but I probably would have spoken up also.

 

But not only do other people have personalities different from yours and mine, they operate in an environment in which there are significant downsides to reporting. I know someone who cut off contact with her parents and lived with friends for several years because they refused to believe that a family friend raped her. Forget going to the DA's office and asking for prosecution, she wouldn't have received basic emotional support from the people she had most reason to expect it from. Multiply that by all the people whose livelihoods are at stake if they report, such as Bill Cosby's victims, who started reporting over a decade ago but weren't listened to because it was via civil cases.

 

FFS, look at Jerry Sandusky. He was reported to the powers that be at Penn State and no one at Penn State did a goddamn thing about it. I no longer remember how he came to the attention of authorities, but I know it was not through official channels at Penn State even though state reporting laws required it.

 

The condemnation and judgment exhibited in the rest of the post is the opposite of what would encourage people to report. I'd suggest spending more time putting the structures in place that would make reporting easier psychologically and less likely to backfire, but I hesitate to do so given the apparent inflexibility, not to say extreme hostility, underlying your remarks. I'd also suggest that there's a logical inconsistency in calling for victims to act responsibly and report when it's the perpetrators and predators who are the problem. Society often supports them until the evidence becomes overwhelming and we can no longer look the other way. Shouldn't asking the bad actors to take responsibility for their actions take priority over dumping on victims who didn't report them? The victims have already been victimized once, yet here they are, objects of shame again.

[Guest]

Apparently you have no shame

 

 

???Of what am I supposed to be shameful??? Standing up for myself? It never occurred to me that I had something for which I should be ashamed. But, yeah, anyone who thinks I don't have cojones underestimates me.

[Guest]

FFS, look at Jerry Sandusky. He was reported to the powers that be at Penn State and no one at Penn State did a goddamn thing about it. I no longer remember how he came to the attention of authorities, but I know it was not through official channels at Penn State even though state reporting laws required it.

 

Well, any authorities who bucked their responsibilities should be made to pay dearly--in the state penitentiaries. If there are really those out there who don't report rapists because they feel shame, there needs to be a strong educational campaign out there to educate children and the rest of the public. The victim has nothing to be ashamed of: the perpetrator is the shameful one! But staying silent with the perpetrator only fuels the perpetrator's fire, and allows these transgressions to go on and on. If a parent kicks out a child because they refuse to believe the child, Children's Protective Services should sever parental rights, and force the parents to pay child support to whoever ends up bringing up the child instead. But those who try to make money out of the situation many years later, when it's probably impossible to prove anything, really irk me. Perverts thrive out of their victims' silence, then go on doing it over and over. Silence in the face of evil is no virtue.

[+ purplekow]

???Of what am I supposed to be shameful??? Standing up for myself? It never occurred to me that I had something for which I should be ashamed. But, yeah, anyone who thinks I don't have cojones underestimates me.

 

So we agree that you have do not have shame, nor should you, for your victimization, but what about the rest of the sentence you left out? "but others who have been molested do" which led to the crux of my statement.

You state that you are angry about people who come forward later or at least the ones to whom you ascribe money as a motivation, but whose real motivation is unknown to you. Bitches and jerks you say and prescribe punches in the face.

I totally agree you should not have any shame for the assault on you.

Perhaps you might consider at least, a little reassessment for demeaning those others who for reasons unknown to you, took a different course after they were molested. After all, your strength allowed you to be able to share your burden. They were not so strong, not so supported, not so sure and they carried the burden alone.

[+ WmClarke]

FFS, look at Jerry Sandusky. He was reported to the powers that be at Penn State and no one at Penn State did a goddamn thing about it. I no longer remember how he came to the attention of authorities, but I know it was not through official channels at Penn State even though state reporting laws required it.

A young man eventually termed "Victim #1" in the court documents finally told his school principal (where Sandusky 'volunteered') and his mother. The principal's reaction was to tell him not to go public since Jerry Sandusky was famous and it might hurt the school. In my mind, her response was criminal.

 

"Victim #1" later wrote a book about it. It's a heartbreaking read: Silent No More by Aaron Fisher.

 

Aaron Fisher went to college and was later arrested for assaulting his girlfriend.