Online Dating is a Scary Thing

[+ quoththeraven]

After 40+ years of not dating, it's time to get back on that horse. I've already chosen a site (OKCupid) and created a profile. Now all I need are photos. FreshFluff has already given me some pointers, like don't use a selfie and use a digital camera, not a cell phone; one of my problems was that short of going to a photo studio, I couldn't think of someone to ask to take a photo. But I'm supposed to see my daughter in Manhattan on Wednesday, and I can pitch it as use taking photos of each other that we can then share. (We haven't seen each other in awhile.) I also ran into a neighbor Friday night who helped me bring my groceries in and met my cat. (She has one, too.) I could see enlisting her as well. But suggestions on posing, lighting (the sun should be behind the photographer, right?) and the like are welcome and appreciated.

 

The other part of my question has to do with supplies. I know I need regular sized condoms as well as large sized condoms. Which brands do you recomment? I am staying away from ribbed condoms; they might work for anal, but they're likely to be hell vaginally. For reasons I won't go into unless you want to know why I stopped using a diaphragm after a short period of time, I don't intend to use female condoms.

 

What about lube? The sex educator who wrote a book I just finished, Come as You Are (it's great, but aimed at women), strongly recommends silicone lube and says a little goes a long ways, but admits it can't be used with some toys. I have a dildo that my ex must have bought during our marriage that may well be silicone -- I can't tell -- and I intend to use water-based lube on it. I can see using water-based lube in other circumstances as well. But silicone sounds like it is better for anal. Is it better for handjobs, which, frankly, I will not do without lube because without it, getting my hand to glide is next to impossible.

 

Also, what is the purpose of putting lube inside the condom as well as outside? For someone who used condoms as a means of birth control post-pregnancy, I'm pretty clueless because I'm a klutz and we decided my ex would roll the condoms on himself. I always tried unrolling them the wrong way. Waste of a good condom.

 

The one topic I don't need addressed is prep for anal sex. I also have some ideas for personal safety, such as meeting in a neutral, public location for the first "date," whether for coffee or lunch (I don't want to commit to dinner right away), prefer hotels over going to his place at first, make it clear that if sex might be on offer, it's likely not going to be until after the third meetup, and refuse to go to my place until we know each other better. I also know the "leave a message with a friend who'll call the police if they don't hear from you" deal. I suspect one of my cousins will wind up serving this function.But if you have any other safety tips, feel free to pass them along.

 

Just so you know, I'm looking for friendship, with or without sex; FWB/fuck buddy relationships; and more serious relationships, but I'd have to think long and hard before making any of them exclusive. For right now, I just want to play. There is someone I know whom I've been interested in pretty much since I met him, but he very well may not be interested or already be in a relationship, and I'm not going to reach out to him until next week at the earliest.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

I sent you a PM.

[rvwnsd]

After 40+ years of not dating, it's time to get back on that horse. I've already chosen a site (OKCupid) and created a profile. Now all I need are photos. FreshFluff has already given me some pointers, like don't use a selfie and use a digital camera, not a cell phone; one of my problems was that short of going to a photo studio, I couldn't think of someone to ask to take a photo. But I'm supposed to see my daughter in Manhattan on Wednesday, and I can pitch it as use taking photos of each other that we can then share. (We haven't seen each other in awhile.) I also ran into a neighbor Friday night who helped me bring my groceries in and met my cat. (She has one, too.) I could see enlisting her as well. But suggestions on posing, lighting (the sun should be behind the photographer, right?) and the like are welcome and appreciated.

 

The other part of my question has to do with supplies. I know I need regular sized condoms as well as large sized condoms. Which brands do you recomment? I am staying away from ribbed condoms; they might work for anal, but they're likely to be hell vaginally. For reasons I won't go into unless you want to know why I stopped using a diaphragm after a short period of time, I don't intend to use female condoms.

 

What about lube? The sex educator who wrote a book I just finished, Come as You Are (it's great, but aimed at women), strongly recommends silicone lube and says a little goes a long ways, but admits it can't be used with some toys. I have a dildo that my ex must have bought during our marriage that may well be silicone -- I can't tell -- and I intend to use water-based lube on it. I can see using water-based lube in other circumstances as well. But silicone sounds like it is better for anal. Is it better for handjobs, which, frankly, I will not do without lube because without it, getting my hand to glide is next to impossible.

 

Also, what is the purpose of putting lube inside the condom as well as outside? For someone who used condoms as a means of birth control post-pregnancy, I'm pretty clueless because I'm a klutz and we decided my ex would roll the condoms on himself. I always tried unrolling them the wrong way. Waste of a good condom.

 

The one topic I don't need addressed is prep for anal sex. I also have some ideas for personal safety, such as meeting in a neutral, public location for the first "date," whether for coffee or lunch (I don't want to commit to dinner right away), prefer hotels over going to his place at first, make it clear that if sex might be on offer, it's likely not going to be until after the third meetup, and refuse to go to my place until we know each other better. I also know the "leave a message with a friend who'll call the police if they don't hear from you" deal. I suspect one of my cousins will wind up serving this function.But if you have any other safety tips, feel free to pass them along.

 

Just so you know, I'm looking for friendship, with or without sex; FWB/fuck buddy relationships; and more serious relationships, but I'd have to think long and hard before making any of them exclusive. For right now, I just want to play. There is someone I know whom I've been interested in pretty much since I met him, but he very well may not be interested or already be in a relationship, and I'm not going to reach out to him until next week at the earliest.

 

I just PM'd you

[+ quoththeraven]

Thanks for all the great advice, both here and via PM. It may take awhile for me to get back to everyone who sent me a PM.

 

Hi QRT,

 

Here are some things that I discovered in the course of time:

 

Have the pictures made by someone you're at ease with and make them when you're in a really good mood. The good mood is often written on your face and it shows on the pictures. You get so much better pictures that way. Maybe watch an episode of a comedy that you really like on YouTube before you go?

 

Then there's the "leave a message with a friend". You could use Eudora (an email client) for this purpose only. You can prepare an email and you can even specify the day and time it should be sent. (So far I've only seen this option in Eudora.) You prepare an email with the name, address, and other details of the other guy you're about to meet, to be sent to -let's say- your cousin a day later. If you're back in time you simply delete the email when you're back as it hadn't been sent yet. Not even your cousin will be able to know with whom you met. If you're not back in time, the email will be sent to your cousin. (Your computer must stay up and running and not go to sleep or hybernate mode.) Don't forget to delete the email when you're back in time, otherwise your cousin will receive an alarming email although you're back safe in time. (You may want to include that he tries to call you first.) You only have to inform your cousin once, e.g. the needs to know that he might receive an email in the case you're not back in time. You can inform him every time you're having an appointment with a (new) guy, but it's no longer really necessary. You can also send the email to two or more persons, just in case your cousin might not see his email in time.

 

One more advice, I once read a profile where the someone wrote "guys here should be like sales men". In other words, you need to keep on trying and you shouldn't be disappointed too fast!

 

Happy dating!

 

Anton.

 

I'd never heard of Eudora, which might be a better alternative to calling my cousin every time I'm going to meet someone. Thanks!

[marylander1940]

Thanks for all the great advice, both here and via PM. It may take awhile for me to get back to everyone who sent me a PM.

 

 

 

I'd never heard of Eudora, which might be a better alternative to calling my cousin every time I'm going to meet someone. Thanks!

 

Don't worry, the only scary thing would be the guy putting on 10 years and 40 lbs on his way to see you.

[+ FreshFluff]

I'd never heard of Eudora, which might be a better alternative to calling my cousin every time I'm going to meet someone. Thanks!

 

You can also use LetterMeLater for this without installing an email client.

[+ SundayZip]

Hey QTR, I'd date you! Although the sex thing might not work out (it's me, not you).

[+ quoththeraven]

Hey QTR, I'd date you! Although the sex thing might not work out (it's me, not you).

 

I had a great time hanging out with you at IML! Dates, hanging out -- whatever you call it, it doesn't have to involve sex. I like uncomplicated friendship as well.

 

If we get a chance to hang out again, we should try the "which guys we're attracted to" thing once more. Might be enlightening, or at least good for a laugh.

[Kevin Slater]

http://www.theonion.com/article/man-confident-perfect-dating-app-waiting-him-out-t-50508

 

Kevin Slater

[+ quoththeraven]

http://www.theonion.com/article/man-confident-perfect-dating-app-waiting-him-out-t-50508

 

Kevin Slater

 

Thanks for the chuckle, Kevin! Eh, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. My phone isn't smart enough for apps, so I'm using a website (OKCupid), but not having a profile photo yet is getting in the way. I may try my cousin (my daughter was a washout) or I may try a selfie. It's stupid to have the account set up and not use it, and for various reasons -- one of them being the time involved in shopping around and setting it up -- I'm not excited about hiring a professional photographer.

[+ WilliamM]

QTR,

 

I went through this with my best friend when he was divorced. He is straight and rich. I learned a lot from his experience of about four years on on-line dating sites. He would say that the photo is the singlemost important thing.

[+ honcho]

.... I may try a selfie. It's stupid to have the account set up and not use it ... I'm not excited about hiring a professional photographer.

 

Be prepared to take a *lot* of selfies and don't be disheartened if you throw almost all

of them away.

 

Many, many, MANY years ago I did sit for a couple of photographers and the results

were published in a couple of magazines. Photographer 1 took 200 photos, submitted

40 and twenty were printed. Photographer 2 took 300 photoes, submitted 20 and

about 10 were printed. And these guys were professionals!

[+ quoththeraven]

QTR,

 

I went through this with my best friend when he was divorced. He is straight and rich. I learned a lot from his experience of about four years on on-line dating sites. He would say that the photo is the singlemost important thing.

 

I agree, which is why this has become such a bottleneck. I also appreciate Honcho's point, which is that you have to go through a lot of photos to get enough good ones.

[+ Gar1eth]

I tried OkCupid for a while about 5 years ago when I was still a productive member of society. The stupid site supposedly tries to match you up with people who share your interests. None of the guys the site said shared my interests had any actual interest in me.

 

I was on the site for months and only about three guys seemed interested in me. Unfortunately I wasn't that attracted to two of them. Plus I've never really dated. I was a bit scared of meeting unknown guys from the 'net (funny I had been meeting escorts for years but was ill at ease meeting strangers from a dating site). The third guy who contacted me was a hottie who must have liked bear types. I mean this guy was 20 years younger than I was and muscular. He was waaaay outa my league!!! He was perfectly willing to send emails or chat through OkCupid. But he would never actually call me even if we had a call set up- and was never willing to meet. He kept saying his life was busy. And I will admit, I lived around 35 miles from him.

 

Frankly I didn't know what to think. I kept wondering was he for real. Maybe he had sent fake photos. Since he was so far out of my league and never wanted to meet but kept the conversation going, I almost wondered if he got his jollies by turning older guys on and dashing their hopes. I finally deleted my profile as nothing happened.

 

But I hope you have better luck, QTR.

 

There is another website I've heard of which you might be interested in. A (woman) friend of mine tried it for a while. It's called Plenty of Fish.

 

Here's the website.

 

http://www.pof.com/

 

Again good luck!!! May you find a great guy (or three)!!!

 

Gman

[doitb4ugo]

I joined Match.com a few months ago to see if I could find someone for something other than sex. I have had pretty good luck in that a good number of guys seemed interested in meeting me. The downside is that I was not really interested in most of the guys except a few who seemed never to find the time to actually date but probably were on the site for the attention they received.

 

For now it's back to meaningless sex and quick pick-ups. Perhaps I'm not ready for the dating scene until I mature a little more.

 

When I talk to guys, they all seem to want something more but are afraid to jump in for something more....kinda like the bathhouse crowd who are there for sex but spend the entire evening cruising or standing watching....never will figure it out.

 

I wish you all the success with your journey, QTR. Tackle it with lots of hope and a good sense of humor and I think all will be okay. Half of success is in the trying.

[+ FreshFluff]

For now it's back to meaningless sex and quick pick-ups. Perhaps I'm not ready for the dating scene until I mature a little more..

 

Well, doit, you know what they say. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.

 

Edit: That's what I get for copying quotes off the web without checking the punctuation.