married and uncloseting....

[latlrnr]

I know that this is not unique to me, but here I am: a 60+ married man who is finally facing his own sexuality and wondering where and how to move forward. I have been married for over 40 years, have children, and a wife who (at least at this point) is willing to stick with me. We have had a non-sexual marriage for many years, but my "gayness" has only been admitted for a few months. I have frequented escorts and masseurs over the last years, but am pretty much inexperienced. I am wondering what my next step in moving forward should be. I am in counseling, and desire friendships with others in my age group. Because I live in a small, ultra conservative area any activities beyond the closet will have to be in a major populated area. Any suggestions?

[Boston Guy]

Hi -

 

Sounds like you're making progress. You're moving down a road that is not only attractive to you but also full of unknowns... we've all been there and it's fun and scary at the same time.

 

My question to you is this: what do you want? Do you want to leave your family (or, at least, your wife)? Do you want a gay relationship? Do you simply want a chance to experience this part of who you are? Do you want to continue living where you do? Do you want to move to a bigger city?

 

It's possible to just take this day by day and see what pops up. But I think you might be a bit happier if you take some time to really seriously try to decide what you want, both in the short term and in the long term. Only then will you really be able to start figuring out what direction (if any) you should head in.

 

Good luck!

BG

[DesertFox]

>Because I live in a small, ultra conservative area any activities >beyond the closet will have to be in a major populated area. Any >suggestions?

 

It all depends what you want to do with your life. I moved to Palm Springs a few years ago and found what I was looking for. Alot of support groups and gay friends here. Palm Springs is fast becoming the gay mecca for gay men espcially the older ones. We have a gay mayor and majority of the population is gay. Whatever you decide, good luck.

[woodlawn]

Not sure what it is you're asking. If you have "frequented" escorts and masseurs for many years it seems you don't need advice in that area. What does that leave? If you want a relationship with a man and want to remain married and living in a small, ultraconservative area that is a rather tall order. Is your wife okay with that? If your relationship will have to be conducted somewhere other than where you live, have you considered how much time you will have to spend away from home and family in order to do that? It will have all the features of a long-distance relationship, with the added feature that all the time you spend on it will be time taken away from your relationship with your wife and family.

 

You mention you are in counseling. That's probably a better source of advice for your situation than any you can find here. Many of the people who frequent this board do so because they haven't been able to move beyond hiring escorts, and it seems that is what you are trying to do.

[Guest msclonly]

Take it day by day!

 

This is not the best place to ask for advice on how to live, as noted above.

Don't know why you are in therapy, but usually the adice is not to make any permanent changes until you have come to grips with who you are.

 

Leaving the family is not all it is cracked up to be. If you have good relationships with family members, they are VERY important to preserve and enjoy. They can not be replaced out in the community.

 

Moving to a SENIOR community does not give you, what you imagine you are missing. I left the Palm Springs area because it was TOO hot and a lot of elderly people! It can get pretty boring, if you can stand the 110-115 degree weather in the summer. Socialization revolves around the cocktail hour at home or the bars.

 

 

 

[Guest bighugbearphx]

RE: Take it day by day!

 

Excellent advice up here so far.

 

I see you are in Washington state. If you are anywhere near Seattle, you may want to contact:

Seattle Prime Timers

1122 East Pike St., PMB 1257

Seattle, WA 98122-3934 U. S. A.

Phone: (206) 329-0793

Fax: (253) 536-8263

Email: seattle@primetimersww.org

 

FYI: PrimeTimers is a national organization (with about 30 local groups; I'm in the one here in Phoenix) providing social alternatives for older gay men and their admirers. You no doubt will find others in similar situations to yourself.

[ValleyDwellerNorth]

Hello latlrnr ,

 

>wondering where and how to move forward. I have been married

>for over 40 years, have children, and a wife who (at least at

>this point) is willing to stick with me. We have had a

 

First of all I think 60+ is the new 40+ since people are living longer. Therefore, you have a lot of new living to do. When you say your wife is "willing to stick it out" with you is that being fair to her? If she is capable of finding a man she can development an intimate relationship with then let her. If you care for her allow her to express her sexuality since you are doing the same for yourself. Do your children know?

 

In terms of counseling she may need to go as well. At this point in your lives, and with your sexuality, you two should be working on developing and maintaining a parental friendship for your children.

 

Do you want to move out? Do you have any male friends similar to you?

 

The advice of the Prime Timers group is excellent and you should pursue that.

 

At any age I think it is courageous when someone comes out (either screaming or quietly). People can be cruel, even on a gay message center (so be leery). In the end, listen to your inner voice and follow your gut.

 

VDN

[+ Charlie]

I have known a number of men who have been married and had children before admitting to themselves that what they really want is a relationship with another man, not just casual sex with other men. All of them have had to leave their marriages in order to accomplish that. I understand the desire to have it all--to maintain the marital relationship and also be free to develop a relationship with a male partner as well--but it is really a fantasy, not a realistic goal unless your wife is an exceptionally easy-going woman. And don't even try explaining it to your children, who are likely to be less comprehending and tolerant of such a situation than your wife. You have to face the fact that probably everyone, including yourself, is going to get hurt to some extent before it is all resolved. But you can't just retreat to the way it used to be, like hitting GoBack on your computer, so I agree with those who have said that you and your wife both need the best professional counseling you can get as you work your way to a solution.

[jimbeaux]

Best of luck to you, and it sounds like you're on the right track to discover what's next for you. Therapy, with a competent and trusted professional, is the only thing that can give real and lasting direction to the unique individual you are. I haven't spent a lot of time here, but I do know that asking for advice usually ends up with two or more people battling it out with who has the best advice and the original poster is often left hanging in the wind. Be careful, and don't say too much if you plan on hanging around. It'll most likely come back to bite you in the ass (and not in a good way). Take care.

[bluenix]

Holy crap.

 

Straightforward, sensible, practical relationship advice here in the message center.

 

Who'da thunk it.