Looking Darkly Into The Future (Past)

[Guest CrackTheGraySky]

As I look toward 2004 I also look backward seeing so many wasted years in my life. I wonder to myself how much longer will the odds be in my favor / just how many years can one waste before it's too late to turn the page. I think I have come to the edge now and I need to turn the page or jump off.

 

For decades I have avoided making friends, interacting with people in general, avoided taking care of my body, and even simple things like cook a meal for myself or buy something that I might enjoy once in a while.

 

Each day is filled with a gray haze that never seems to go away but now I am determined to change it. I look at it this way. I am so unhappy now that it can't be any worse trying to make something happen in my life. Maybe find a friend or lose 20 pounds or hey actually buy a few pans to cook in as it has only been about 15 years since i have done so.

 

I know I might hire that escort that I have been interested in for the past year or even hire a few.

 

Well, it is so easy to write this stuff here as no one knows me, few will care and it does make me feel better just writing these thoughts out.

 

So I do wish you guys a happy new year, several have posted some very interesting information this past year and I appreciate that. Hopefully my next post will be one of sunshine not rain.

[Guest CrackTheGraySky]

As I look toward 2004 I also look backward seeing so many wasted years in my life. I wonder to myself how much longer will the odds be in my favor / just how many years can one waste before it's too late to turn the page. I think I have come to the edge now and I need to turn the page or jump off.

 

For decades I have avoided making friends, interacting with people in general, avoided taking care of my body, and even simple things like cook a meal for myself or buy something that I might enjoy once in a while.

 

Each day is filled with a gray haze that never seems to go away but now I am determined to change it. I look at it this way. I am so unhappy now that it can't be any worse trying to make something happen in my life. Maybe find a friend or lose 20 pounds or hey actually buy a few pans to cook in as it has only been about 15 years since i have done so.

 

I know I might hire that escort that I have been interested in for the past year or even hire a few.

 

Well, it is so easy to write this stuff here as no one knows me, few will care and it does make me feel better just writing these thoughts out.

 

So I do wish you guys a happy new year, several have posted some very interesting information this past year and I appreciate that. Hopefully my next post will be one of sunshine not rain.

[seaboy4hire]

It's good to see that you are willing to take some positive steps to change negitive things into positive. A couple few pieces of advice. Go slow enjoy, enjoy each thing you accomplish and share the goodness that comes along with everything that you do. Unfortuately many people do not care BUT I have found that there are some great guys client and escort both and for me I am glad that I got active with the board. Keep active and please keep us posted on what is happening. Happy New Year for now and forever!

 

Hugs,

Greg

[seaboy4hire]

It's good to see that you are willing to take some positive steps to change negitive things into positive. A couple few pieces of advice. Go slow enjoy, enjoy each thing you accomplish and share the goodness that comes along with everything that you do. Unfortuately many people do not care BUT I have found that there are some great guys client and escort both and for me I am glad that I got active with the board. Keep active and please keep us posted on what is happening. Happy New Year for now and forever!

 

Hugs,

Greg

[bigguyinpasadena]

Dearest Crack,In my circle of friends I have someone who is in the same boat.He is actually living on the estate that I care for.

He has no friends(except my boss-his cousin)is content to be left all alone(his own home has no telephone-his choice)with his books.And is so mopey all the time that it really has cast a pall over the house.

This fella lost his mother this year-to whom he was so devoted that he gave up his career(collage professor)to take care of her-she was his life for the last 20 years.

He is a freak.He does not bate(sponges himself with alcohol and peroxide)and a germ freak(wears disposible gloves when he cooks and "bathes)

He is depressed most of the time.And refuses to see a shrink about it.

He will die,and no one will miss him or care that he is gone.

We must make the choices in our lives that drive our futures.Friends are more important to me than family,having a few moments of pleasure in my life is more important than saving every cent I can for retirement(like some I know)A few good friends are very dear to me-and I value them,to me they are more important than hundreds of aquaintences.

You have the power to change your life if you so choose.You can choose your future-and forget about the grey clouds in your past.

[bigguyinpasadena]

Dearest Crack,In my circle of friends I have someone who is in the same boat.He is actually living on the estate that I care for.

He has no friends(except my boss-his cousin)is content to be left all alone(his own home has no telephone-his choice)with his books.And is so mopey all the time that it really has cast a pall over the house.

This fella lost his mother this year-to whom he was so devoted that he gave up his career(collage professor)to take care of her-she was his life for the last 20 years.

He is a freak.He does not bate(sponges himself with alcohol and peroxide)and a germ freak(wears disposible gloves when he cooks and "bathes)

He is depressed most of the time.And refuses to see a shrink about it.

He will die,and no one will miss him or care that he is gone.

We must make the choices in our lives that drive our futures.Friends are more important to me than family,having a few moments of pleasure in my life is more important than saving every cent I can for retirement(like some I know)A few good friends are very dear to me-and I value them,to me they are more important than hundreds of aquaintences.

You have the power to change your life if you so choose.You can choose your future-and forget about the grey clouds in your past.

[Boston Guy]

One of my best friends is clinically depressed. He's lost his job, home, lost touch with many of his friends, had problems with alcohol... he probably thinks that no one cares about him. But, in fact, many of us care quite deeply about him and his happiness. You might be surprised how many people care about you.

 

On this day, the last before the beginning of a new year, I offer you three suggestions:

 

1. You already know that you are depressed. I assume that you also know that it's a medical condition that can be treated. If you aren't receiving medical treatment, I urge you to seek it. There are many more treatments available for depression now than there used to be and one of them may very well help you to break out of the cycle of depression you've found yourself in.

 

2. The beginning of a new year, by it's very nature, is a good and natural time to make changes that we've been putting off. Choose something that you'd like to change and then do it. It might be buying those pans and starting to cook. It might be going on a diet (Atkins is amazing; if you decide to go on it, buy Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution before you do). It might be going out and making a new friend. But whatever you do, choose SOMETHING and then do it. And then, once you've shown yourself that you can get that one thing done, choose something else. Step by step, you can pull yourself up. It's hard but you CAN do it.

 

3. Hire that escort you've been thinking about. New Year's is a good time to reestablish contact with the rest of the human race. Bring a little fun and tenderness into your life. If you choose a good escort, he'll help you understand two things: that you can have fun and enjoy life; and that there are things about yourself that truly are attractive.

 

You are at the beginning of a new journey. It might take you places that you don't anticipate and it might not all be smooth sailing. But it will be better than living in a grey haze. Just remember that the point is to enjoy the journey rather than to try to get to some particular destination. So instead of saying "Good Luck", I'll simply wish you "Bon Voyage!"

 

Please do write frequently to let us know how you are doing. There are many other people here who have either struggled with depression or who have friends who are struggling with it. By simply writing, you become part of a community that can be quite caring.

 

BG

[Boston Guy]

One of my best friends is clinically depressed. He's lost his job, home, lost touch with many of his friends, had problems with alcohol... he probably thinks that no one cares about him. But, in fact, many of us care quite deeply about him and his happiness. You might be surprised how many people care about you.

 

On this day, the last before the beginning of a new year, I offer you three suggestions:

 

1. You already know that you are depressed. I assume that you also know that it's a medical condition that can be treated. If you aren't receiving medical treatment, I urge you to seek it. There are many more treatments available for depression now than there used to be and one of them may very well help you to break out of the cycle of depression you've found yourself in.

 

2. The beginning of a new year, by it's very nature, is a good and natural time to make changes that we've been putting off. Choose something that you'd like to change and then do it. It might be buying those pans and starting to cook. It might be going on a diet (Atkins is amazing; if you decide to go on it, buy Dr. Atkins New Diet Revolution before you do). It might be going out and making a new friend. But whatever you do, choose SOMETHING and then do it. And then, once you've shown yourself that you can get that one thing done, choose something else. Step by step, you can pull yourself up. It's hard but you CAN do it.

 

3. Hire that escort you've been thinking about. New Year's is a good time to reestablish contact with the rest of the human race. Bring a little fun and tenderness into your life. If you choose a good escort, he'll help you understand two things: that you can have fun and enjoy life; and that there are things about yourself that truly are attractive.

 

You are at the beginning of a new journey. It might take you places that you don't anticipate and it might not all be smooth sailing. But it will be better than living in a grey haze. Just remember that the point is to enjoy the journey rather than to try to get to some particular destination. So instead of saying "Good Luck", I'll simply wish you "Bon Voyage!"

 

Please do write frequently to let us know how you are doing. There are many other people here who have either struggled with depression or who have friends who are struggling with it. By simply writing, you become part of a community that can be quite caring.

 

BG

[jackhammer91406]

A mirror of the Past

 

Wow, reading this was like dejavu all over again.

Hey CTS,

We have corresponded before and your post reminded me exactly where I was when I joined this center in August of 2002.

I have used this center (to the dismay of some) as a lifeline to come back to life. And you know what? It isn't a bad life.

I have made some Good, GOOD friends here. I see a number of them a few times a month or more. I have vacationed with some of them.

The advice you have already received is very good. Take it. Reach out, break the old patterns of isolation and go past your comfort zone. The rewards outweigh the risks.

Send out some private emails to guys on this board that have common interests. Most often you will get a positive response.

IT's all about having a reason to get out of bed. At the start, the goals will be short term and that's fine. As you grow, the goals can be more long term. The point is, for the second time in 5 or 6 months you have reached out on the board. Now do the follow-up, YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

;-)

[jackhammer91406]

A mirror of the Past

 

Wow, reading this was like dejavu all over again.

Hey CTS,

We have corresponded before and your post reminded me exactly where I was when I joined this center in August of 2002.

I have used this center (to the dismay of some) as a lifeline to come back to life. And you know what? It isn't a bad life.

I have made some Good, GOOD friends here. I see a number of them a few times a month or more. I have vacationed with some of them.

The advice you have already received is very good. Take it. Reach out, break the old patterns of isolation and go past your comfort zone. The rewards outweigh the risks.

Send out some private emails to guys on this board that have common interests. Most often you will get a positive response.

IT's all about having a reason to get out of bed. At the start, the goals will be short term and that's fine. As you grow, the goals can be more long term. The point is, for the second time in 5 or 6 months you have reached out on the board. Now do the follow-up, YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK.

;-)

[Guest CrackTheGraySky]

I just want to take a minute to thank all who replied to the post. I think jackhammer is correct this is the second time for such a post from me. I now recall your email to me jackhammer back then, it was very sincere and I didn't follow up for various reasons. To bogguy, bostonguy, seaguy and the others thanks again,bigguy luckily I am not quite as bad shape as your friend and I wish him the best in his life. I do function within my own little world, do work, do take a shower each day, I am not quite Howard Hughes yet that is what I don't want to be.

 

The plan is pretty much as you each said. I am going to pick one or two things and become active just try to do them and accoimplish little things before big things. Maybe that will help me feel a little better about myself and make me more comfortable socializing again.

 

Just want to wish you all a happy new year once more.

[Guest Gringo]

CGS---Remember, the longest journey, no matter where it is you want to go, begins with a single step. Tomorrow take the 1st step. You will have begun the journey. That's the secret---don't over analyze or stress out about the what ifs we all face in the future. Just take the first step and you will be on your way.:+

[Trixie]

CGS, (I really love your moniker, by the way!) I think you probably know already that you cannot receive help until you open yourself up to it,and ask for it. It would seem to me that your post was just such an action. Ain't it funny, the strange places we might find salvation?

The people on this board will offer you support,

entertain you, razz and ridicule you... you'll find friends here, if you want them. You'll need friends in the offline world too, of course.

Keep in mind the sage words of the lovely Joni Mitchell: "Heart, humour & humility will help you bear this heavy load..."

The three H's of life. Don't discount humour, especially. Cuz if you can't laugh, then you're gonna cry!

(It's good to cry too!)

Trix

[guptasa1]

I'm going to open up a bit here, so I politely request none of the more...let's say vocal and aggressive posters here...to flame me in my tender spots. I think that's a fair request.

 

>As I look toward 2004 I also look backward seeing so many

>wasted years in my life. I wonder to myself how much longer

>will the odds be in my favor / just how many years can one

>waste before it's too late to turn the page. I think I have

>come to the edge now and I need to turn the page or jump off.

 

I know it's already been said and a bit cliche, but the time really is now. You CAN make changes to your life. It is NOT easy, but it can be done, especially if you take it one small step at a time as already suggested. And I think it's fair to say this to you as I'm trying very hard to do this in my own life right now.

 

>For decades I have avoided making friends, interacting with

>people in general, avoided taking care of my body, and even

>simple things like cook a meal for myself or buy something

>that I might enjoy once in a while.

 

I'm not good at all socially (awkwardness, shyness, and anxiety in my case), so I can relate quite a bit as far as friends and people as well. Most of the friends I do have from college are now married (they're mostly straight) and living elsewhere, so I don't really have any friends in my life I hang out with on a regular basis in person. That is something I still need to work on, and it's lonely. For me, this is probably one of the hardest things to fix.

 

Up until the last year or two, I too didn't take good care of my body either. You are NOT alone in these areas, and they ARE things you can work on. Start small. About 6 months ago, I started at a small gym in the area. And guess what - I lost around 30 lbs. and actually have a little muscle now (and if you count since before college, I've lost probably close to 90 lbs....not all of that in a healthy way), and I'm at least reasonably thin for the first time in my life since I was too young to really remember! I still have a ways to go (some problem areas are just really hard to get off, especially "love handles"!), and I'm certainly not saying this to gloat, but my point is you really CAN effect a change if you're determined to do it. But you have to MAKE yourself do it. Sign up to that gym and start making yourself go a few times a week for example. You might enjoy it (satisfaction) and meet some cool people on the way. (For example, I'm in a small town, and to my surprise my personal trainer just happens to be gay - not my type, but still, I consider him a friend now, and I really enjoy going to the gym and our chats!)

 

>Each day is filled with a gray haze that never seems to go

>away but now I am determined to change it. I look at it this

>way. I am so unhappy now that it can't be any worse trying to

>make something happen in my life. Maybe find a friend or lose

>20 pounds or hey actually buy a few pans to cook in as it has

>only been about 15 years since i have done so.

 

I unfortunately can relate to the gray haze too (even though I've only been there a few long years and it sounds like you've been there even longer). Strange how similar our experiences are to have so similar analogies. For me, I've always analogized it as everything always being in black and white instead of color, but I understand exactly what you mean. It often seems impossible to get out of. But, consider trying some small steps. Even going to the gym as I mentioned above has helped a little. Escorts have also helped, and further, I'm considering trying a psychiatrist again. I know I'm depressed, and I tried before with a (religiously biased) psychiatrist where it didn't work out (he wanted to turn me straight, which didn't go over well), but I'm about ready to try someone new and see if there's a difference there. It may not work out, but it's worth another shot.

 

Depression is quite frankly hell, and I don't wish it on anybody. I can't tell you how to get out of it, but don't give up hope, and try making some small steps and you may see some genuine improvement. I'm still depressed, but I can honestly say the steps I've made the past year (from the gym to seeing escorts) have helped. It's not a magic transformation, but it's enough to keep going for now.

 

As someone else mentioned, there are also new medicines and such for depression now too. I've always been against medicines for depression for myself, but there are some new ones I might consider without all the side effects (especially sexual ones in my case, which I don't think I could deal with).

 

>I know I might hire that escort that I have been interested in

>for the past year or even hire a few.

 

As long as you can afford it, DO IT. Be careful not to get addicted (it'd be easy) or spend more than you can, but honestly, for me (though I've been a bit overzealous initially), hiring escorts has been a very positive thing in my life right now. It's given me at least a measure of intimacy in my life I've longed for for quite some time and helped me get over a past (and my first) serious relationship, and it's also allowed me to play out some fantasies I've always had. I even saw New York City for a weekend with a great guy, which might not sound like much to a lot of people, but for someone who's pretty terrified of people in general (anxiety) and basically scared to death to leave their home/comfort zone/routine, it was pretty incredible. I plan to do it again, and I'm very happy I did it in the first place.

 

>Well, it is so easy to write this stuff here as no one knows

>me, few will care and it does make me feel better just writing

>these thoughts out.

 

More people care than you might know. It's true I don't know you on a more personal level, but I certainly can sympathize with your depression...and I most certainly have sincere wishes that you someday conquer it! (Additionally, feel free to PM me anytime you like.)

 

>So I do wish you guys a happy new year, several have posted

>some very interesting information this past year and I

>appreciate that. Hopefully my next post will be one of

>sunshine not rain.

 

Happy New Year to you too! That sunshine may not come overnight, but take small steps, and you may see some glimmers. Keep going...and perhaps you'll see that full sun. It WILL be a journey and a tough one at times. But prepare for it and commit to it. I'm not prepared to guarantee you'll get there completely (since I'm frankly not sure I'll make it fully in my own life), but I CAN at least guarantee you can make progress in a positive direction if you commit to it.

 

Again, not at all to gloat, but to let you know what's possible (if I can do it, truly I think most people can), I've made a bunch of small changes in my life this year that I'm rather happy about:

 

- Worked to get in better shape at the gym

- Changed my eating habits (better food at more regular intervals)

- I now have a vehicle I trust and am comfortable driving (and not getting lost in), which has GREATLY enhanced what I'm willing to do and where I'm willing to go

- Went to my first convention, which was scary but fun (Furry fandom)

- Got into a new hobby (electrostim)

- Went clubbing/dancing a few times (not a big deal to most, but to me...making myself try this stuff was a big deal...I'm not at all good at it, but it was nice to give it a shot)

- Hired my first escort(s)

- Very recently started seeing a dermatologist to improve some skin problems I've had for a long time

- Very recently called and I'm slated to schedule my first appointment with a psychiatrist (still tentative)

(By the way, the last two were decisions I made partially due to discussions with a very honest and kind escort I see.)

 

 

I still have a long ways to go. I'm still depressed and there are many things I wish to accomplish as follows:

 

- I need to find a solution to help with this depression, whether it be therapy, medication (only some of which I will consider), or several of these other changes to my life.

- I still need to do some toning exercise work. I still can't believe I'm even in the REALM of possibly getting in shape, and I want to keep at it and get there. It still seems surreal. But I'm actually starting to look pretty good.

- I need to figure out where my life's headed and get a steady job. I've been fortunate in being able to hire escorts this year, but I need to get some good income going if I want to maintain that longer-term and also find out where I belong career-wise...what I really WANT to do. Right now, though I have graduated college (mostly for the sake of my parents...I have a BS in management with neither the wish nor personality to manage), I have no idea what feels right to me. I also need something that'll allow enough flexibility for my lifestyle so I don't go crazy. lol.

- I need to move out of the house and get my own place, probably an apartment. I think getting away from family would help immensely. I just don't think my "family" is healthy for me anymore, and I'm better off elsewhere.

- I need to work on making some more real, local friends who I can spend time with in person.

- I'd certainly like to find a boyfriend again (which would be the end of seeing escorts for me, but would definitely be worth it). I'm getting really cynical about this one, but I don't want to give up all hope yet.

 

I certainly don't know that all these things are going to happen necessarily, but as flawed human beings, the only thing we can do is to try as best we can. I hope to get and maintain the courage to work TOWARDS these goals, even if I don't accomplish them all this year. Sometimes the problems in one's life do seem far too big to conquer, but let's try one at a time and see where we get, okay? Think about it. If next New Year's is even just a little happier...and the next one just a bit happier than that, eventually we'll be somewhere, right? *smiles*

 

You're not alone - please remember that. My very best wishes to you!

 

Sincerely,

Shaun

[Guest Love Bubble Butt]

Hey guy. I think you have been given some overall good advice thus far. But I'd also like to add my two cents.

 

While I myself do not suffer from depression, I happen to know several people who do and get treated for it. It's amazing how many people actually suffer from this very common condition. And I don't think there is any shame what so ever in doing something about it. It's actually a shame not to. Look buddy, you have only one life to live. You never get a chance to go back and redo any part of it. Do what you need to do to improve the life you live NOW and to be happy. I really, really, really think you should seek out either a psychiatrist or even an MD for your depression. Many MDs can diagnose this condition and prescrive medication to help you. It has made a big difference in the lives of those I know who suffer from depression and take medication to treat it.

 

I'd also like to make another suggestion: Cardiovascular exercise!! Whether it be running, bicycling, swimming, aerobics, do something and do it on a very regular basis. Regular cardiovascular exercise will not only get you in better shape that that in itself will make you feel better, but it will also have a definite physiological effect on your system that will improve your mood and spirits (and I don't mean just the temporary endorphin-release kind that occurs right after your workout). It's long term. I have read countless articles and studies that support this.

 

The fact that you posted your message means you're making the first step to bettering your life by reaching out. Good luck to you.

[trilingual]

Well, I suffer from clinical depression, and spent YEARS in the dark pit because I was afraid to take medication for it. I probably wasn't that far off the mark years ago, when the available meds had pretty strange (or bad) side effects, but when the newest anti-depressants came along I finally tried them and had excellent results with virtually no side effects at all. It was like coming back to life! Literally! And if you read the Escorts South board, you can see that my life has become very good indeed!

 

Please try the new anti-depressants, but keep the following in mind: Not everyone reacts the same way to all of them, so you may have to experiment until you find the one that works best for you. (Hopefully not, but be prepared if you need to switch meds because the one you've tried isn't working.) Also, these drugs don't work overnight. It can take three or four weeks before the effect really kicks in, and during the adjustment period you might have some mild side effects (like sleeplessness, weird dreams, or feeling slightly speedy). These ordinarily wear off quickly. If they don't, you may need to switch meds. Finally, tell your MD you want to avoid the drugs that cause impotence. That would just depress you more! :-) A number of the newer meds don't commonly cause that side effect, so it should be possible to find one that works for you. (In my own case, I've been using Wellbutrin and it's great!)

 

Good luck to you! And don't waste another day under that gray sky. Life's too good to keep on wallowing in misery!