Not sure how to take this advice from an escort

[starman05]

I'd been seeing a guy regularly; he's well-reviewed here and is escorting, from what I understand, for a limited amount of time to get over a hump. I hit the jackpot with him. He rocks my world, is patient (I have so little experience) and he knows exactly what I need. We've had some overnighters. I prefer the BFE and he delivers that like no one else. He makes it different every time. I never know what to expect. I always feel safe, but he's so assertive I never know what's going to happen. I asked him a while ago to please let me know if he was going to be giving this up. That way, I could book one last time and, you know, say goodbye.

 

He said that it was more important for me to go off and find someone for real and not use him as a substitute relationship. (I saw him maybe 3x a year.) He said it wasn't about him 'leaving' me, but that I should leave him. And find someone real.

 

I was kind of stunned. My shrink, my best friend...they could all tell me the same thing and I'd reply: "You don't know what this brings to me life. You don't get it. I don't want to give him up."

 

But somehow HIM telling me left me speechless. He's right of course. But it took me (what feels like) forever to find him.

 

Again, I'd see him maybe 3xs a year (for two years).

 

Thoughts?

[RyanDean]

I'm glad you sense that he's right. This seems to me to be exceptionally kind advice.

You mention your inexperience, so I ask: have you tried to find someone "real"?

[tyro]

Starman, my best guys have told me the same thing in different words. The best in this business understand what they can -- and can't -- give to their clients. As much as we'd like to whisk some of them away and "keep" them to/for ourselves, well...that just doesn't happen. The escorts can't give you that. It doesn't seem fair, does it? We clients get these fantastic experiences that end. Sure, there's "off-the-clock" time and sometimes sessions run WAY long, but...they end.

 

After my divorce was finalized, I had a session with someone wonderful. I told him I was getting to the point where I knew that he and the other working guys couldn't give me everything I wanted. I told him I was going to try to start dating. He was happy for me, and that confused me. I said, "But...what if I meet someone wonderful and he tells me I can't see you anymore?"

 

He looked at me with the kindest eyes on the planet and said, "If you meet someone wonderful, you won't WANT to see me anymore."

 

Since my divorce, I've had relationships. I've also seen escorts. Try having some "unpaid" encounters and see what happens.

T

[starman05]

It was indeed exceptionally kind advice. Again, I know it. It just came from such an unlikely source. I fully allowed myself to be in the moment whenever I was with him. That's rare for me.

 

Doesn't he know he's just supposed to make things fun for me and keep me coming back? Seriously, he risked my being able to see him again. I thought that was amazing.

[starman05]

I have...no luck yet...(which is how/why I met this guy).

 

I'll keep trying, of course. Perhaps now more than ever.

 

Yeah, I figured he has to genuinely care on some level for him to tell me this.

[RyanDean]

Tyro & Starman!

You both have me swooning for your guys with these stories...

And glad you're still trying, Starman.

[loverboy95]

I have seen an escort who said the same thing to me. It's because he really wants you to get out into the world and find a real relationship.

[armadillo]

Not only can a escort not become a 'relationship', I doubt they can (generally) become a friend.

 

Hiring an escort is like paying for a dream. And the dream does end.

[Guest boiworship08]

Not only can a escort not become a 'relationship', I doubt they can (generally) become a friend.

 

Hiring an escort is like paying for a dream. And the dream does end.

 

That's largely true, although I have become friends with several, even meeting one's mom! The one guy actually wanted to continue the friendship since we had a similar sense of humor and view of life; however, I let it fade away.

[adriano46]

Sage advice from an apparently good escort given to the OP.

 

A lot of this is "complicated." Many hire for different reasons and among those are reasons that their life (their career, their background) does not afford them the opportunity for a truly deep one-on-one encounter with another (man). Unable to make the choice between life/career vs personal happiness (and many of us admittedly cannot do tis so easily as we get older), choose to find a select escort to fill in the emotional gaps.

 

I have come to know a few top notch escorts (and happy to see a few of them mentioned in the "escort-of-the-year 2015" choices), and one or two who have become more than a fuc$ buddy have asked me pointedly why I don't just go out and find a guy for a serious relationship? That they are interested in MY personal happiness is touching. I think that starman05 your escort here falls into that category. He wants you to be happy and he wants only good things for you and he is perhaps telling you in his own kind way that you have a heck of a lot more potential than you may even know.

 

If he continues to see you (while still looking) that's great. But I don't think he is pushing you away so brusquely.

[Bluray2]

Very insight comments, above. Some added comments: 1) the escort may have sensed you

were falling in love with him (consciously or subconsciously). It was very ethical of him to

remind you so gently that he was primarily a "hired" relationship; 2) he was also probably doing well

for himself "in the business." A less successful (or financially stressed) escort might have taken

on a more predatory attitude (also: either consciously or subconsciously).

 

As Adriano46 puts it wisely, in a word: it is (or can be) "complicated"--for both parties.

 

BR2

[+ DickyF]

This is the paradox of the Boyfriend Experience: you have to turn it off when the session ends. Someone posted recently that they fall in love but only during the time together. That is hard for some of us. I've had a couple of escorts where it was just pure sex which was excellent. Little talking, not much kissing and within an hour. No BFE at all so no danger.

I love the BFE as well but just have to keep perspective!

[BaronArtz]

I am agreeing with everything that has been said above, and in fact I am deeply touched by some of it because those have my experiences as well - especially the comment about becoming friends with an escort and meeting his mom!

 

This is just a different perspective: is your escort perhaps considering ending his career? Is this a way of very tactfully, very gently telling you that the dream may need to end because he will no longer be available? Is this a way to ease the pain to you, when it does? However painful it may be, I would tactfully discuss it with him. How does he view his 'business'? Has he thought, or is he thinking about the next steps? Having this conversation may help take the weight and anxiety away from you.

[starman05]

thanks everyone; I figured I was going to be attacked and accused of being some lovesick pup. I think he was coming from a place of doing me a favor. As I said, I'd only see him 3x a year, so it's not like I was becoming obsessed with him.

 

It's very difficult to see him again though. I simply can't get this out of my mind. Like I said, if anyone else had given me this advice I'd have pushed it aside (or at least still continued to see my guy). But it's the elephant in the room now.

 

I 'know,' of course, that was a boyfriend 'experience' -- it wasn't truly real, but I could convince myself that it was real in that moment.

 

Now, that's harder to do. And at the same time I'm thinking he had to have know he was risking seeing me again by telling me this. The fact that he cared about to say it blows my mind (but, for the record, has not made me fall in love with him.)

[Nvr2Thick]

You and others have touched on the same issues. Despite the fact that you see this escort very infrequently the relationship has deep meaning for you because it's the most powerful and enduring intimacy you've experienced. You have so little to compare it to, and nothing to compete with it. Many of us have been there.

 

Some advice I'd have for you:

1) As the escort has suggested, don't plan that one last goodbye. Don't do anything to infuse even more meaning into this unreal relationship.

2) Put yourself out there more, as so many have suggested.

3) Learn to enjoy escorts for the more emotionally healthy side of what they can provide. Don't take forever to find the perfect little "pocket relationship". Play the field a bit. Enjoy the excitement you can get from the variety of available men. I'm not saying you should make it all about sex and avoid the intimacy escorts can provide; just don't dig too deep, and don't carry the intimacy from one session to the next.