Is silence golden?

[operalover21]

The potential danger still exists as it is unclear what the wife will say in response to the OP informing her husband of the conversation. As was stated the OP knows little or nothing about the wife at all so he has no idea if she would put a totally different spin on it or even outright lie about the conversation. Not suggesting he not discuss this the husband, but at least be aware of the possible landmines and how to adeptly avoid them as best he can.

 

You're absolutely right but, to me, the bigger danger is that he says nothing to his friend, the wife says something first, and then he gets angry that the OP never said anything and just went along? There is nothing but danger here, let's face it. But, if it were me, I'd want to know what is being said, period.

[operalover21]

Another recommendation to have the difficult conversation with your friend. Try to keep it on point and factual without allowing emotions and blame and speculation confuse the issue. In the end it really doesn't matter why the wife said this to you so stop wastig any time trying to figure it out. You will have to accept that there is a chance the conversation will not go well or the result will not be the one you want-- but continuing on "as is" with "holding back" and questions from your friend without answers will do more to kill that relationship then anything else.

 

Absolutely. Don't be confrontational or judgmental about it all. Just the facts, ma'm, as they used to say. Just say, "hey buddy, this came up the other day and I've been struggling with how to deal with it, but I thought you should know." Let him take the lead in any kind of discussion afterwards. Just lay out what happened, say nothing bad about the wife or anything like that.

[operalover21]

Exactly. For all anyone knows, the wife may well have put the OP in the position of telling her husband about the conversation so she can deny it, and seem the innocent party. One of the most important lessons I have learned is to stand back and let people come to me first.

 

The friend has already "come to him" by asking why he's been distant. He's already inquired. The time to say something has already presented itself. By saying nothing, one is being dishonest. How much more "come to me" is the OP supposed to wait for?

 

As for the first part of your comment, it's not up to the OP to try and divine what is going on. His only obligation is to have an honest and open relationship with his friend, if that's what he wants, and that begins and ends with telling him the truth.

[operalover21]

I must admit i am very surprised at the almost universal opinion to tell my friend. I cannot recall such unanimity on this board on any other topic.

I have no idea if the wife is homophobic though she has a history of bad relations with both of his brothers, both of whom are gay. I am the godfather of all three of this man's children from a previous marriage, so I am frequently included in events that many friends would not be invited to attend though now that the boys are men in their twenties, these events are less frequent.

I did not tell my friend initially as i thought i may start trouble in a new marriage.

I was inclined to tell my friend but felt i was somehow being selfish by doing so. i think i will tell him if the subject arises again. I will downplay the abrasiveness of the request and state my reasons for honoring his wife's request.

 

Good luck, purplekow, as I don't envy you this kind of mess. I think the perfect way to start the conversation is to say "hey, buddy, you asked me why I've been distant, well .... " He's already asked and provided you the opening. Take it. You are NOT being selfish. But there's one thing you should absolutely do ... don't let the nature of the friendship change. Be just as close and don't be distant, no matter what the wife says ... that's another way to deal with it ....

[operalover21]

I'm always about third options, and here's mine: WOO THE WIFE. I'd try to establish a separate friendship just with her that stands on its own. No real harm can come of that. It could turn out she just feels left out and you've gained a new friend. And if she's just 100% against you, you'll have learned that. He'll see that you've made the attempt to reach out to her, and that will help no matter what you decide.

 

Here's where I'd absolutely disagree. This just smacks of some Machievellian sort of behavior and I just can't approve of that. You are not going to psychoanalyze and figure out what her problems are and try to solve them. One should treat her nicely as the wife of a friend but to make a blatant -- and that's how it'll appear -- attempt to win her over will mostly likely fail and could make things worse. Just be normal, don't go out of your way with her, but trying to ass kiss her into submission will be something you'll most likely live to regret.

 

I did just such a thing with the new boyfriend of my best friend. I took him out to coffee, was friendly, occasionally texted him little things to show my interest in him as a person and in his role as the partner of my closest friend. It seemed to be going just fine but all it took is one, tiny, perceived transgression on my part -- a call at 11 pm at night when I was sick from chemo to my best friend -- and he went ballistic. The only way for relationships like this to work is for them to be organic and to be among people who are rational and mature. The bottom line is that that wife has already shown that she is neither by her initial request. No rational, caring person would have approached it in that way. You are not going to win someone like that over. The best you can hope for, over time, is civility and some level of understanding.

[JT Brooklyn]

I have a slightly different take on this. Since the wife apparently made the request of you a while ago, it is possible that at that time she genuinely believed that your calls were putting a stress on him. Since you don't know what he and she have discussed, and he has indicated that he would like to hear from you more often, then start initiating contact again, regardless of whether she is there, because he has certainly given you permission to do so. If she again asks you to stop, that is the time to bring her request up with your friend.

 

PK My Friend...Totally Agree! Call Him! I have a feeling you are not the only one of his Old Friends who is being filtered out!

[robberbaron4u]

Plainly put, the man has to live his life with his wife, not you; do not make his home a purgatory for him by causing dissent between his wife and him in your relevation.

[MiamiLooker]

The wife should have both expected that your friend might ask you and not expected you to have to skirt the truth. If your friend asks again, tell him the truth.

[MsGuy]

Clearly both you and your friend find your relationship important & he finds your distance distressing. Why not just resume your normal contacts w/o discussing, at least for now, the reason you neglected your relationship. If his wife intervenes again, that will be soon enough to hash out the difficulty.

 

FWIT, I would be tempted to read his wife's original statement as saying the friendship was taxing to her.

[zeyfur]

I would tell him the truth if I were in your place.

[JT Brooklyn]

Plainly put, the man has to live his life with his wife, not you; do not make his home a purgatory for him by causing dissent between his wife and him in your relevation.

 

50 Year's of Friendship definitely Cancels Out a little discord with the Little Wife of not even alot of Year's!

[operalover21]

Plainly put, the man has to live his life with his wife, not you; do not make his home a purgatory for him by causing dissent between his wife and him in your relevation.

 

The wife caused the dissent, not PK. I mean really, some people seem to be into self abuse.

[+ deej]

Plainly put, the man has to live his life with his wife, not you; do not make his home a purgatory for him by causing dissent between his wife and him in your relevation.

 

Not quite right. The man chooses to live with his wife, and the man is well aware that it is a choice given that this is a second wife. A choice was made not to stick with the first marriage for whatever reason.

 

He doesn't have to live with her.

 

The wife's attempt to interfere in a friendship that pre-dates her may (I stress may) make a difference is his choices, but those choices should be made based on fact. Hiding the wife's interference is by its nature a deception present in the long-standing friendship. Deception is not generally a good thing and has a nasty way of rearing its ugly head.

 

Rat the bitch out.

[+ WilliamM]

 

The wife's attempt to interfere in a friendship that pre-dates her may (I stress may) make a difference is his choices, but those choices should be made based on fact. Hiding the wife's interference is by its nature a deception present in the long-standing friendship. Deception is not generally a good thing and has a nasty way of rearing its ugly head.

 

Rat the bitch out.

 

After I read your post, I went back and read OP's first paragraph again. To refresh everyone's memory, this friendship has seen some long gaps often based on arguments...but things have gone relatively well recently since the new wife appeared on the scene. If OP's goal is to turn this friendship into a life-long one, without further gaps, I suggest that he needs to proceed slowly and thoughtfully. He does not want to force his friend to make a choice between his wife and himself.

 

I respectfully think that you are being too literal in using the word 'deception' twice in your reply. I would call it a calculated decision to not say more until the situation is clearer (in order to maintain the friendship). Haven't we all done much the same thing, if not in a friendship, in a romantic relationship, or as a supervisor or boss? Certainly, you must have exercised much the same judgment in your years here on this site as a person in a position of significant responsibility.

[Zapped]

One day, I called my friend's home and his wife answered and told me he was not at home, but that she would prefer that i not call him again as my relationship with him was taxing on him and she felt he would be better off if he did not associate with me. She abruptly ended the conversation there.

i tried on two occasions to discuss this with his wife only to be rebuffed and so i decided to do as requested. I always answer when my friend calls and we speak frequently, but i have stopped initiating contact.

Recently, he has been mentioning my being distant and not calling etc. I made the usual excuses about being busy. He has been persistent about it lately and has stated that he feels that i do not want to be involved with him.

 

So PK's friend is asking for an explanation. Yes, it's true that if confronted the wife may deny her conversation with PK, but that's hypothetical. What's true is she asked PK to discontinue contact. "Honesty is the best policy," my mother taught me (and I imagine most everyone's did as well). My advice would be to tell the friend, as others have said, in as neutral a way as possible. PK can explain he values the friendship and also wanted to support his friend's marriage and wasn't sure how to handle things other than how he did.

 

If the wife denies it, well, there are deeper problems, and PK will have a clean conscience nevertheless.

[RexAll]

This is a really difficult situation. Even if you tell the truth, your friend may not believe you either because of what he has invested in the relationship with his wife or by what the wife tells him regarding your revelation. So several suggestions- would it be possible to talk to either your friend's brothers or your god- children to see what exactly is going on- ie whether she has driven other old friends off- has she tried to isolate him from them- is she just a bitter, selfish or insecure woman- another thought I had is to tell your friend- you didn't want to feel as if you were intruding too much - but that you value the friendship and now that you know your friend does too- you won't be distant.

 

Rex