As an Older Gay Man - What Do You Do?

[Guest Kyle_K]

As an older gay man (define older for yourself here if you would like) who have you found to be more realistic in finding non-sexual friends with? Another man, or, another woman?

 

Age becomes such a cruel reality in our lives - And the success in finding true and fun friendship(s) never seems to be in abundance as we age.

 

So, who are the people you become friends with when you're older and less desirable than the bar scene offers - yet still desire new friendships to become a part of your life after it?

[JoeyBryant]

Age becomes such a cruel reality in our lives - And the success in finding true and fun friendship(s) never seems to be in abundance as we age.

 

Hell, finding true and fun friendships at 24 is pretty scarce too. You ever go out to the bars around town, it always starts off nice but usually ends in drama. Everybody wants what someone elses has but don't want them when they're alone. People find it easier to hit on someone else's man than to work up the nerve to approach a stranger. Everyone is an option and made only to satisfy you when you need it and not when you need them. And if something happens that you don't like, don't bother explaining or talking it over like a real man...just text all day long and then hide away from the situation. It's what we've become as Americans these days. Pussy ass bitches hiding behind texts and making no real connections.

 

Yet I know people in their 40s and 50s that have their 1 or 2 close friends they've known for 20 years. If anything, as more time passes by, the faker people will get. It's a sign of the times.

 

Maybe in December we can just get it over with already but I still need to visit a few countries first and not sure that'll be enough time

[josephga]

Hell, finding true and fun friendships at 24 is pretty scarce too.

 

Yet I know people in their 40s and 50s that have their 1 or 2 close friends they've known for 20 years. If anything, as more time passes by, the faker people will get. It's a sign of the times.

 

this

[Guest Kyle_K]

Hell, finding true and fun friendships at 24 is pretty scarce too.

 

That was my history but did not want to cloud what may be the obvious.

 

Yet I know people in their 40s and 50s that have their 1 or 2 close friends they've known for 20 years. If anything, as more time passes by, the faker people will get. It's a sign of the times.

 

I'm curious as to how someone as young as you could ever possibly relate to that reality. But after thinking about it, I realize that my history is probably the same as yours.

 

Gay men don't don't change when cock is involved. whether at 21 or 35.

[JoeyBryant]

I'm curious as to how someone as young as you could ever possibly relate to that reality.

 

Because, when I entered the gay lifestyle at about 16 or 17 it was different than it is even now. People used to talk on the phone more and actually want to meet. Not to say people weren't artificial then, but it's made it harder to judge who is or who isn't because we are communicating in ways that allow extra anonymity when there doesn't need to be.

 

Then again, it could just be Colorado. This place has taught me not to ask or take numbers from people unless they pass the 'interested' test. It's like why bother exchanging numbers if you're just going to act all non chalant and uninterested in the phone calls/texts. Here, take it back I don't need it.

[Bosguy]

That was my history but did not want to cloud what may be the obvious.

 

 

 

I'm curious as to how someone as young as you could ever possibly relate to that reality. But after thinking about it, I realize that my history is probably the same as yours.

 

Gay men don't don't change when cock is involved. whether at 21 or 35.

 

In order to respond correctly, may I be so bold as to ask if you are a hiring guy or a working guy? The age issue is slightly different by these 2 categories.

 

Boston Bill

[robberbaron4u]

Fortunately, my servants, are, apart from being my employees, my friends, and, they will be with me at the "end". My business partners, one of whom was gay, the other "straight", were my friends and boon companions for the better part of the last thirty years; sadly, for me, both have deceased within the last two years. Too, I can count as "friend" several men and women whose acquaintance has been a privilege in my lifetime, and, in their kindness, I could depend upon in wasting a glass of water on me if I caught fire at table; however, they can be numbered by the digits of one hand.

[Guest Kyle_K]

this

 

The worst thing that gay men will ever do against other gay men - will be to be in the closet when they call upon other gay men for their monetary services and then want to deny those services when something happens (or not) which they did not like or want.

[Guest Kyle_K]

 

Gay men don't don't change when cock is involved. whether at 21 or 35.

In order to respond correctly, may I be so bold as to ask if you are a hiring guy or a working guy? The age issue is slightly different by these 2 categories.

 

 

Really? A hiring guy and a working guy are pretty much the same thing to me. But, that's not what I'm asking here. Please re-read my OP and at least allow me to feel that I am not alone in all of this. Jeeeeeeeeeeez

[josephga]

I think the internet has hurt peoples social skills. most just want to talk on facebook or twitter but Don't want to actually go out and do anything. another thing I have a issue with I understand a person wanting friends that they have something in common with But why does age or looks matter when looking for platonic friends? My best friend for 10 years was 10 years older than me. covered in tattoo's and piercings and was 80lbs over weight. Now was he someone I would normally go for in dating? no However the quality's I look for in dating aren't the same as those when seeking platonic friendships.

[Guest Kyle_K]

I think the internet has hurt peoples social skills. most just want to talk on facebook or twitter but Don't want to actually go out and do anything. another thing I have a issue with I understand a person wanting friends that they have something in common with But why does age or looks matter when looking for platonic friends? My best friend for 10 years was 10 years older than me. covered in tattoo's and piercings and was 80lbs over weight. Now was he someone I would normally go for in dating? no However the quality's I look for in dating aren't the same as those when seeking platonic friendships.

 

that probably holds true to the people who call and text you daily testing your ability to define them as legitimate or questionable. No?

[BgMstr4u]

From the original poster: "Age becomes such a cruel reality in our lives - And the success in finding true and fun friendship(s) never seems to be in abundance as we age."

 

This thread seems to have morphed into "As a Younger Gay Man - What Do You Do?". I turned 65 last year, and I have to say that age has not become a cruel reality in my life. I have more friends now that I did when I was younger, mostly because I have lived longer and met and liked more people, and because I value them. It is largely a conceit of younger people that getting old is cruel. It is actually quite delightful. So what if when I walk into a gay bar I am not showered with attention? I wasn't when I was 25, either. Or when I was 35. Or 45. Or 55. So now the younger guys who like the whiter hair and a bit of girth are beginning to gather around. That's nice. I enjoy it. I do hope the younger posters here have the opportunity to get old. er. The alternative is less attractive.

[Guest Kyle_K]

So what if when I walk into a gay bar I am not showered with attention? I wasn't when I was 25, either. Or when I was 35. Or 45. Or 55.

 

That's exactly what my question was and remains about.

 

I don"t believe that life is that forgiving. At least it wasn't for me.

[bigvalboy]

I think the internet has hurt peoples social skills. most just want to talk on facebook or twitter but Don't want to actually go out and do anything. another thing I have a issue with I understand a person wanting friends that they have something in common with But why does age or looks matter when looking for platonic friends? My best friend for 10 years was 10 years older than me. covered in tattoo's and piercings and was 80lbs over weight. Now was he someone I would normally go for in dating? no However the quality's I look for in dating aren't the same as those when seeking platonic friendships.

 

 

I think that I am far more sociable because of the internet and things like texting and facebook. I respond to Friends more immediately and share stories that happen immediately than I ever did when I was younger. When I go out and meet people in clubs or at the gym. There is an instant and continuous connection via social media and by way of text. If I understand the original question, I have more male friends than female. I just surround myself with more men in my life. I do have a handful of close female friends, but most are male.

 

I think as we age, we often can choose to be as active socially or inactive as we want. I know many older gay men that do not interact socially or go out much, and complain all of the time that they don't want to go out because they don't feel desirable, or they just don't feel like going anywhere. I think that it always important at any age, just to put yourself out there. I actually have more fun going out than I used to, because I am less intimidated than I was when I was younger. There are a multitude of activities to get involved in, but you do have to get up off the couch and take that first step out the door. To the original OP, If I did not answer your question...so sorry. I did get a little off subject, but all of these thing are problems for older gay men.

 

P.S. Josephga.....great new pic!

[fedssocr1]

No offense, but maybe hanging out in bars is part of the problem.

 

My best friend is some one I have known for nearly 20 years as you say (we are both 44). We were introduced by a friend of his who saw a personal ad I had posted in the ancient days of AOL. We have almost everything in common. I have other close friends who I have known for 10-20 years. Most of them are guys I met playing soccer with in our local gay soccer club. I have other friends I met through working on our local gay film festival. There is a little drama once in a while, but frankly not all that much that I am around.

[JoeyBryant]

No offense, but maybe hanging out in bars is part of the problem.

 

My best friend is some one I have known for nearly 20 years as you say (we are both 44). We were introduced by a friend of his who saw a personal ad I had posted in the ancient days of AOL. We have almost everything in common. I have other close friends who I have known for 10-20 years. Most of them are guys I met playing soccer with in our local gay soccer club. I have other friends I met through working on our local gay film festival. There is a little drama once in a while, but frankly not all that much that I am around.

 

That's a good story. Yeah, the bars do have a lot of drama.

 

Like last night, we were all hanging out in a big group of friends. This guy I been F buddies with for awhile were hanging out most of the evening. I told him a little secret, which I would think him being 49 y/o he'd be a bit discreet about it. Nope. He goes and tells the guy who was the subject of the secret in an effort to 'help him out'. These people didn't even know each other!

 

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSgnS3DgHAFK6P70whRxNVH96Lfqxf4ok__FOuvNh0cvxCZUT60P9jUW2BfAw

 

 

So a big screaming fit broke out, my friend was mad at me for telling my F buddy, the subject of the secret was mad at my friend because they said something to me, and I was mad at my F buddy because he shouldn't have said anything to the subject of the secret! That's common sense! I don't even care about the subject of the secret anyway because we fooled around before and he's a big ***** and I really didn't want my friends hanging with him anyway!

 

So, social life's not all that great for us younger guys. I been here in Denver for over a year and only met 1 person who I feel is real at this point. Having good looks sometimes mean that people don't always take you seriously. They are insecure about themselves, and don't feel they add up. So they go for average looking dudes that aren't ALL that cute because they are afraid they can't measure up.

 

I'm like damn...now, I know after all this dental work and all this body work and having own car/own house I can find someone decent. Nope. People are intimidated. They settle for trash and wonder why they get beat up, used, abused, end up with a man in prison, etc. They don't recognize a good man when it's right in front of them.

 

Don't tell me about a scar you got 10 years ago when you're currently involved with a man who's in jail. Don't tell me you just got out of a 3 year abusive relationship, when you go around seeking out thugs. Drama Queens...

[trilingual]

I'm also 65. (Hard to believe, except when I look in the mirror!) I moved back to Kansas City after I retired. I haven't made that many friends here, to be honest, but that's more my fault than anything else. I have my family here, and a few old friends (my closest friends are a woman I used to work with in California who also moved back here and a guy I've known ever since we were both in college). It's easy enough to meet new people just by getting involved in local community activities, of which there is an endless choice. Mostly my friends here are around my age. I also have spent lots of time in Brazil, as many of you know, and it's a less ageist culture than the U.S. (Not totally, but less.) As a result I have a circle of friends there who are mostly much younger than I am, but still of different ages. I also have a BF there who is only in his early 30s. Thanks to e-mail and Skype and Facebook it's easy to stay in touch with them and with other friends around the world. Some are more recent acquaintances, at least one I've known since I was three years old! Aging has brought occasional physical problems, but otherwise I don't feel "old" and life is good. And it certainly isn't lonely or friendless!

[+ purplekow]

Fortunately, my servants, are, apart from being my employees, my friends, and, they will be with me at the "end".

I have about 10 employees all of whom are friendly none of whom are my friends. By the very nature of the employee employer relationship there is an unequal footing. I do not call my employees on a dreary day off and ask them over for a game of chess and a glass of wine. Financial woes are best kept from them and ultimately they cannot really be 100% themselves in my presence. Ultimately, they may care for me as a person, as I do for them, but we are not friends. Would doubt that any employer could have a real friendship with his employees but it you do Robber then you have quite the social agility.

[robberbaron4u]

Apart from your mother, the best friend you can have in life is your secretary; I neglected to make mention of mine in numbering my "friends".

[jjkrkwood]

I am 60, and have truly believed for a long time now that any relationship that a gay man cultivates with another has a sexual undertone, at least at the beginning. the tought is always "Am I gonna hook up with this guy"? I say this simply becuase even on the internet, in chat venues, you are asked a million questions about your age and appearance from guys who have their objective as "Finding frienship". Frienship my ass. If you are seeking a true frienship, why do I have to qualify and quantify my looks and attributes. Its a smoke-screen for what they truly are after, and i dont thinks its "friendship". Personally for me, I find it easier to befriend str8 women as an older gay male, lesbians are a bit more difficult because there seems to be some natural rivalry existing between them and gay men. With women, you have taken the sexual element out of the eqaution, and are not being judged by "are you sexy and desirable as a sexual partner.. However I do think this is natural for gay men, and OK as long as they modify their expectations as they get older. Surely in a lot of cases, most guys wont look like they did in their 20's and 30's, and hardly will they look like your porn star fantasy. But gay men dont seem to want to accept aging, and will ultimately seek out those younger more attractive guys, in hopes of "bedding" them. YES, this is a generalization, and I know there are guys that like daddies, silver foxes, etc, but we are talking about an older gay male seeking "frienship" and those terms are generally used in a sexual context. Building friendship takes want and effort. I dont think their is enough of either put forth as you age. You are tired, more set in your ways, less tolerant, however often MORE available. Being older and alone, for me is a scary thing. I have lost ALL my family, my partner of 22 yrs has passed on, and my current circle of friends, who are all older, have their own illnesses to deal with and are not able to enjoy the life we once enjoyed together. Unfortunately I am NOT Robber either, and am not able to employ a fleet of people to be around me and give me what I need. I have learned to fend for myself, but I am sure that ability will slow down at some point.

[jgoo]

I'm not the social butterfly so I don't meet lots of people. I've always had issues with making and keeping friends. So much so that over the years I've learned to be quite happy (perhaps content) to have only a few cherished friends. It probably helps that they live very far from me and we only see each other on rare occasions. I've known them for almost 30 years now and they are all male, all married and all about 10 years younger than myself. Never had a gay friend, as strange as that may seem.

 

I have in the past made friends with a number of women but those all turned out pretty bad because eventually they wanted more from the friendship than I was willing to give them as the sexual undertones of a man/woman relationship seem to take over.

[healthguy]

Good thread. I also have found females easier to form "real" relationships with. This was due to many circumstances at any given time. I still find non gay men to be superficial. And, this is not a negative really. This is what I have observed in my lifetime thus far: When I talk with straight men and women this is what I run into initially. Straight men will usually stay on the non "touchy feelly" stuff. In many cases, that's always were it starts and ends. Straight women often start out on a more personal note and stay with it. So, to get anything on a friendship basis going, it has been 99% with straight women. ANY friendship relationship, I agree, takes time and effort. Age has no barrier when it comes to this. The women that I considered soul mates, and lost, where due to my circumstances. Soooo, trying to stay a little to the question. I think it is a little harder to engage new, closer relationships on a non-sexual basis. I will continue enjoy meeting new people, male and female. And, what I also have found in myself: The world really does not revolve around me. If I can offer simple words of encouragement, support, and some listening time, the goodness of people will come back at me many times over. All sounds simple in print, but creating and maintaining a "real" friendship takes effort.

[robberbaron4u]

In reflecting upon friendships, I did have a friendship of long standing with a young man who I had met in a "rentboy" situation; in the course of the "courtship" of my checkbook, I declined sexual intimacy with him to his chagrin. As he was in desparate financial straits, I did send him to Illinois to "ma and pa" to his immense chagrin. In time we developed a "dialogue" which eventually became a close friendship; indeed, he became my gay "confidante". Sadly, he died, yet young, almost twenty years ago. Nonetheless, I think of him almost each day, and that thought brings a song to my heart and a smile to my lips.

[adriano46]

Friendships to me are a very special part of my life. I have friends that span over 50 years (since we were in grade school), and those who I have known less but in general, my closest friends are men and women from my youth and I treasure each and every one of them.

 

That said, the other evening after an exceptionally long and difficult day at the office, on the way home I simply wanted to talk - to someone, anyone really - to in a way exhale the exhaustion of the last two weeks or so of intensive meetings and negotiations, business problems etc... As I drove along the highway home, and thought of "who" to call, the sad point hit me, there was no one in my area or nearby who I could turn to. I did think of names from my close friends, but in terms of my business, none of them knew much or would be on the same wavelength. I have to admit, that was a sad wake up call for me!

 

So now I am thinking more and more about people in whom I can confide or trust who are not members of my family or grade school or high school classmates, but people I have met and connected with as an adult -- and outside of my professional acquaintances (who, because of the profession, remain at arms length), there is NO ONE! That has to be explored, and changed sooner than later.

[gallahadesquire]

Shyness is ...

 

I've always had trouble meeting new people. I thought that EVERYONE got butterflies in their stomachs when they had to meet a person for the first time.

I discovered that I was shy about 6 weeks before my psychologist did, at about age 40.

 

My friends have moved away from the area or died. I have many acquaintances at work, but no real friends - somehow, their true plumage shows up eventually.

When I was in hospital for three months (including rehab), none of my male colleagues came to visit. [i was in the hospital where I work]. Mostly, the women came.

Of course, I shouldn't be so harsh, as I'm a little fuzzy on what happened during my two-week ICU stay.

 

I'm down to five good friends, a pair of very good acquaintances, and one Rentboy I have to figure out.

And, oddly, I've known the good friends for 30+ years.