A diffiernet kind of "Coming Out"

[doitb4ugo]

Having come to grips with both the good and bad about it, I wanted to open this closet door and let people here know that I have recently been diagnosed as HIV+.

 

As a guy who only recently became involved in M4M sex and the world of escorts, the news came as quite a shock to me. After more than a year of being ill with various symptoms that came and went, I decided to have myself tested, more to eliminate the possiblity than to confirm it...My surprise!

 

I am certainly not ashamed of my status and while coming out as gay has been incomplete for me, I have no hesitation in letting guys know my HIV status. I certainly will not have sex with anyone without disclosing it. I must say that the response from the friends and ecorts who I contacted has been overwhelmingly positive and upbeat. I can't relay how thankful I am for these friends.

 

If this thread does anything, I hope that it makes the reader at least think about getting themselves tested. I strongly urge people who are having sex with guys to get tested regularly, if only for their peace of mind. My sexual experiences were all with escorts/masseurs and were to my knowlege always "safer".

 

Thanks to all here on the forum for being who they are and providing me with a cyber-home and community of good, caring people.

[seeker630]

Doit, I applaud your honesty and your courage. I hope your friends and family (both 'real' and virtual) continue to to give you the support you need and deserve, and that you have adequate medical care to manage your condition.

[jjkrkwood]

The first important step is to be able to "accept" it yourself, and be open with others. Clearly you have gotten past that phase, and kudos to you for that alone. YES, there will be people that are unaccepting, and will abandon you, but those are not the people you want in your life in the first place. You need positive, supportive people to take the journey with you.

My partner of 22 years chose a different road. He buried his head and kept his secret, even from me, and only upon his death did I find out the truth. Noone should have to live with torture he must have felt. Freedom is always the best course. Best of luck and health to you.

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey stud!

 

Just wanted to send a hug your way and congratulate you for your matter of fact sharing with us. I find it commendable that you have chosen not having sex without disclosing your status and I believe that may bring you peace of mind and more intimate encounters.

 

Take good care of yourself and be healthy and happy.

[JT Brooklyn]

doit..The Best to you in the future. There are many who have come before you and are doing just fine living a fine FULFILLING life with a Positive HIV Diagnosis for Year's now.

[doitb4ugo]

I forgot to add in my original post that I welcome all inquiries and questions you may have. Just PM or e-mail me if you would like to discuss anything or have any questions about my experiences. Thanks.

[nate_sf]

Good advice from everybody here. Living here in SF, I know lots of guys who have been positive for decades and are doing fine and living great lives. There are ups and downs, but that goes for any type of medical condition. Kudos for sharing this and enlisting support.

[Bosguy]

My heartfelt congratulations for being HONEST and TRUTHFUL with yourself and others. A positive attitude is going to make your road forward so much better.

 

Love you for being an inspiring MAN since I first met you on the Forum. Always there for you.

 

Boston Bill

[Guest ChgoBoy]

please feel free to pm me at any time of the day or night, EVER, should you ever feel the need to do so my friend...

 

In the mean-time, always remember that we, together, as a people, are the ones who make the difference going forward...for those who might follow us in this journey.

 

Find strength in your indifference as much as you might find indifference, embracing it.

 

I've always found my strength here. Even when I realized that I was not even close to being so comfortable with my new found life.

 

I'm currently HIV undetectable with the meds that I've been on for longer than I might want to recall. It's expensive, it's life altering, but it's life. It's what you make of it after the fact. And how you deal with everyone else that deals with you, after the fact as well. There's no question that your life has not changed. I'd like to help you to make it a positive change. Yes, I can say that now. And I hope you will soon be able to say so too.

 

[video=youtube;lDckgX3oU_w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDckgX3oU_w

[+ Travis69]

A friend of mine has been living with HIV for 20 years and doing well. Important thing is to find a GOOD infectious disease doctor and TAKE the medications as prescribed. Supposedly the first week or two of taking the meds is no fun but your body will adjust. Take care of yourself.

[Guest ChgoBoy]

I think that the bravery and honesty of DOIT will most likely be lost in the silence of discomfort and hypocrisy amongst most members here. I also know that his voice will do him no personal good in this forum when it comes to hooking up with others.

 

I recall, not to long ago, when Rick Munroe stated that if he knew ahead of time that a client was HIV+ , that he would not confirm or accept that appointment with that client.

 

Rick Munroe was more comfortable, personally, not knowing a clients status, and simply treating them as he treats and considers all of his clients as being HIV+ and taking the appropriate precautions.

 

But interestingly enough, when Rick Munroe knew ahead of time you were HIV+, he would prefer to decline seeing you. I have the link should this become an issue for anyone.

 

I understand people being afraid of HIV. I also understand why people would not want to risk having sex with an HIV+ person.

 

I am HIV+ and I would never knowingly have sex with another HIV+ person. Safer sex not withstanding. I would rather not know and take the precautions that are available or not have sex at all.

 

It's a difficult topic. And since bareback sex is now back in form and fashion, I'm sure we're all on the brink of another outbreak of what we experienced in in 1980's.

 

Until that outbreak explodes again, which I hope to God it doesn't, we are all in the embrace and thanks of people like DOIT, and his honesty.

[+ sf westcoaster]

For a long list of reasons I understabnd why escorts are not acive participants in the message borard, but I really would like to hear how escorts would react when faced with an HIV+ client.

[+ Shoreboy]

Sending you hugs, prayers and support.

 

There are many on here with huge hearts and like others have said, you are always free to PM me anytime day or night.

 

We all get through life with the love, support and prayers of others...and with your posting you are being surrounded by all three

[Guest verymarried]

I admire your honesty, a character trait I do not unfortunately have with regard to my sexual orientation. I have a question. Is it okay to inquire how a person believes he became HIV positive? Although I have read many things and understand the safe sex recommendations, I am still trying to determine the risks i take in performing oral sex. I get to meet honest, openly HIV positive men very seldom and the medical people in my remote area are mostly homophobic and seem to know little about statistics, risk and some have actually told me my risk is high despite the CDC information. Therefore I try to take every opportunity to question openly poz guys as to their best idea of how they acquired the virus. Most have been real nice and helpful, but I still wonder if it just adds to a guy's stress to ask.

[Guest Merlin]

doitb4ugo, I would be interested in what were the first symptoms you experienced. Do you know specifically how you contracted it?

[Diverdan]

Hi Rich,

WOW... I have nothing but the highest admiration for you and your "coming out" and your honesty and courage in sharing what has to have been a difficult time for you. Your willingess to share this with Forum members is great, and I want to say that I admire you even more as a result. Please know that we are here for you, and if there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask. Please feel free to send me a PM too. I have a number of HIV positive friends, and lost a good many to AIDS in the early stages of the epidemic before there were any effective drugs to deal with the infection. Fortunately, with today's medicine you will be able to live a long, fruitful, fulfilling and wonderful life. There will be some challenges, but you have faced the hardest ones and have come out stronger as a result. Stay strong, knowing that Forum members are supporting you.

Diver Dan

[doitb4ugo]

How I came to contract HIV, the short answer is "I don't know". There are a couple of possibilities and might be easier to determine if I knew when I contracted it....I am only aware of one instance of unsafe sex...someone penetrated me briefly without a condom telling me not to worry, he was only doing it for a short time and would not cum. This was my second M2M experience and occurred in November 2009.

 

My doctor does not believe this is when I contracted the virus....in December 2010 I had to go to the emergency room a couple of times to reduce a fever of 105/106 which would not go down with Ibuprofen. The doc tells me that having such a bout with fevers etc. very often occur shortly after infection. If that is the case, the explanation of becoming infected is murkier...and must be the result of accident or condom failure...

 

I will say that being a highly submissive bottom, adds to the uncertainty in that I very seldom can tell if the top is being safe or not...being tied up and sometimes blindfolded also plays a role. If this is the timing, I hired an escort who was himself HIV+, an assumption we all need to live with.

 

Thanks for your questions. I am, and have always tried, to be as open as I can.

[doitb4ugo]

doitb4ugo, I would be interested in what were the first symptoms you experienced. Do you know specifically how you contracted it?

 

My very first symptoms were extreme night sweats and some off and on diarrhea, also sleep issues. In my case, I had become severely depressed due to my not knowing how to deal with being gay when my life was spent as a straight married guy....So for me the symptoms were blamed on first my anti-depressant medication and later on my withdrawal from these meds....HIV was never suspected. Even with 2 hospital visits...the diagnosis was some sort of low level viral infection...or Flu. It took me going to get an anonymous test at a clinic in Boston to find out...

[whipped guy]

Rich... Some would say that it takes big "you know what's" to do what you did here.

 

However, it is not because of that, not at all! It is simply do to the fact that you have such a big heart... Plus, you have the most honest heart of anyone I am privileged to know.

 

In fact we are all privileged to have you as our friend in this forum.

[dane michaels]

My heart goes out to this Man as well as the issue in this thread. It is not secret at this point, that I was a combat corpsman for the Marines for 8 years. I have been on wards with HIV+ men I love dearly and have spent many a number of long nights on convoys with. I hate to hear the sort of news, it causes anguish in my heart for the one who's ears it has to fall on and I will not pretend to imagine that I understand, nor know what ripples this kind of news creates, but as an escort, with every encounter, I treat each as if HIV+ and to be totally truthful, I hope that every client treats me as such also. In that, there is not compromise and both walk away with a clear conscious.

 

Doit. I have messaged you on my coming to Boston and hope we get a chance to meet out for drinks and would love to chat. I think, like most, you have some sort of testicular fortitude. I wish you the very best not only in this situation but, the very best with you and yours. Take good care of yourself and I hope we get the chance to meet up in Boston.

[nate_sf]

For a long list of reasons I understabnd why escorts are not acive participants in the message borard, but I really would like to hear how escorts would react when faced with an HIV+ client.

 

Dane has very eloquently provided a response to this, and I second what he says. I assume a proportion of my clients is HIV+. I generally don't initially ask personal questions of any nature, even about employment, in case someone wants to remain private, and that includes asking about HIV status. However, if someone told me they were poz I'd be fine and would continue to see them, again since I assume they are not my only poz client. For that matter, I'd also be interested in hearing about their experience with their health, what their experience is with meds, etc. We'll continue to take precautions as before, so as Dane says everybody finishes with a clear conscience.

[josephga]

I thought it was the law that a person had too tell anyone they have sex with their status if it's HIV +. I know condoms should always be used, I know you assume any and everyone has it. I know people will lie but still I always thought it was the law that anyone HIV+ had to tell anyone they have sex with

[doitb4ugo]

The California Law summarized below:

 

To be prosecuted under the law, you would have to do all of the following:

1. Have anal or vaginal sex. You cannot be prosecuted for oral sex. As to anal and vaginal sex, the law applies equally to men and women; tops and bottoms. The law punishes exposing someone to HIV through these types of sex. Your sexual partner does not have to actually become infected.
   
2. Know that you are HIV-positive. You cannot be prosecuted for sex that you had before you knew that you were HIV-positive.
   
3. Fail to disclose your HIV status. If you disclose before insertion, you cannot be prosecuted.
   
4. Fail to use a condom. Even if you do not disclose, you cannot be prosecuted unless you have "unprotected sex." The law defines "unprotected sex" as failing to use a condom. This means that every inserting penis has to be covered. Even if you are on the receiving end, you have a legal obligation to make sure that your partner wears a condom.
   
5. Have the "specific intent" to infect the other person. Most likely, this element will prevent the statute from being used to harass people living with HIV. To be prosecuted, you have to engage in the sexual activity with the specific intention of infecting the other person with HIV. Just knowing that you had HIV when you had sex will not be enough. The law explicitly states that: "Evidence that the person had knowledge of his or her HIV-positive status, without additional evidence, shall not be sufficient to prove specific intent." Because of this specific-intent requirement, the law is narrowed in scope to only cover individuals who want to infect other people, and who are probably expressing that desire. If you slip up one time, it's unlikely that you will be prosecuted. However, the best way to stay clear of this law, and other legal liabilities, is to always disclose your status and/or practice safer sex.
   

[leigh.bess.toad]

My dearest brother rich. You and I have come a long way together In the year that I have known you. You were the first person to ever Offer his friendship to me on this forum. We bonded over many things, Not the least of which was our battles with depression. When you first disclosed your status to me, My heart sank. But there is hope And I know you have the best medical care available anywhere.

 

You know that I stand ready to do anything you need, Any assistance I can offer you. All you need do is ask.

 

You will get through this with the love of your family and your friends.

 

It is my honor and privilege To be considered your friend, your brother. I have always been proud of our friendship and of you. But I have never been prouder of you than I am right this moment.

 

I love you, my brother. Be strong.

[doitb4ugo]

I don't expect that being HIV+ will be as easy as it has been during my first 2-3 months of treatment. When diagnosed till my first monthly checkup, my viral count went from millions to 973 and my CD4 T-cell count went from about 150 to 625....I now await a second set of blood tests and am hoping for an undetectable viral count and a continuation of increases in T-Cell counts. I have not had any major sise effects but I do seem to be putting on the pounds over the last few months....will need to watch this and keep active in the gym. I hope this answers some questions I have received.