Massachusetts: Gone too far?

[+ friendofsheila]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/massachusetts-supreme-court-orders-all-citizens-to,1135/

 

BOSTON—Justices of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court ruled 5-2 Monday in favor of full, equal, and mandatory gay marriages for all citizens. The order nullifies all pre-existing heterosexual marriages and lays the groundwork for the 2.4 million compulsory same-sex marriages that will take place in the state by May 15.

 

"As we are all aware, it's simply not possible for gay marriage and heterosexual marriage to co-exist," Massachusetts Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall said. "Our ruling in November was just the first step toward creating an all-gay Massachusetts."

 

Marshall added: "Since the allowance of gay marriage undermines heterosexual unions, we decided to work a few steps ahead and strike down opposite-sex unions altogether."

 

Marshall said the court's action will put a swift end to the mounting debate.

 

"Instead of spending months or even years volleying this thing back and forth, we thought we might as well just cut to the eventual outcome of our decision to allow gay marriages," Marshall said. "Clearly, this is where this all was headed anyway."

 

The justices then congratulated the state's 4.8 million marriage-age residents on their legally mandated engagements.

 

The court issued the surprise order in response to a query from the Massachusetts Senate over whether Vermont-style civil unions, which convey the state-sanctioned benefits of marriage but not the title, are constitutional.

 

"If the history of our nation has demonstrated anything, it's that separate is never equal," Marshall said. "Therefore, any measure short of dismantling conventional matrimony and mandating the immediate homosexual marriage of all residents of Massachusetts would dishonor same-sex unions. I'm confident that this measure will be seen by all right-thinking people as the only solution to our state's, and indeed America's, ongoing marriage controversy."

 

Marshall then announced her engagement to Holyoke kindergarten teacher Betsy Peterson, a pairing that had been randomly generated by computers in the census office earlier that day.

 

Enlarge ImageA state-arranged couple from New Bedford, MA, honeymoons in Aruba.

 

Those who don't choose to marry in private will be married in concurrent mass ceremonies at Fenway Park, Gillette Stadium, and the Boston Convention and Exposition Center. Any citizen who is not gay-married or is still in an illegal heterosexual relationship after that date will be arrested and tried for non-support.

 

Hundreds of confused but vocal protesters lined the street outside the statehouse Monday night, waving both American and rainbow flags. Their chants, which broke out in pockets up and down the street, included, "Hey hey, ho ho, homophobia's got to go, but frankly, this is fucked up" and "Adam and Eve or Adam and Steve, but not Adam and Some Random Guy." Others held signs that read, "On Second Thought, Boston Christians Are Willing To Consider A Compromise."

 

According to police reports, demonstrators were vocal but orderly.

 

"The unholy union of people of the same gender destroys the only type of romantic love sanctioned by Our Lord in Heaven: the love between a man and a woman," 54-year-old protester Rose Shoults said. "Me and my new partner Helene are going to fry in hell."

 

The much-anticipated order sets the stage for Massachusetts' upcoming constitutional convention, where the state legislature will consider an amendment to legally define marriage as a union between two members of the same gender. Without the order, Rep. Michael Festa said the vote, and his personally dreaded wedding to House Speaker and longtime political opponent Thomas Finneran, would be delayed.

 

"This is a victory, not only for our state, but for America," Festa said. "Simply allowing consenting gay adults the same rights as heterosexuals was never the point. By forcing everyone in the state into a gay marriage, we're setting the stage for our more pressing hidden agendas: mandatory sodomy and, in due time, the legalization of bestiality and pedophilia."

 

Massachusetts has one of the highest concentrations of gay households in the country, at 1.3 percent, according to the 2000 census. Under the new laws, the figure is expected to increase by approximately 98.7 percentage points.

[Bosguy]

Thank you so much for this FOS. It is absolutely hilarious---Us Massachusetts guys will get a particular kick out of it, but guys from everywhere will replace names and places and just howl at it. It is a unique blend of tongue in cheek humor with a bit of the ludicrous thrown in. My "straight" friends will be getting copies soon.

Thanks for sharing. We need more of these types of posts.

 

Bill

[justaguy]

Thanks for the fun post. As the saying goes, humor can mask a lot of truth. There's a lot of truth in this one. Again, thanks.

[zeferrelli]

it's great; thanks!

[+ purplekow]

I am considering moving to Massachusettes for the mandatory gay marriage. You never can tell, maybe I will be paired with hot Italian Boston stud with a hairy chest, a thick accent and a big dick that points to the left or failling that a non-alcoholic Kennedy.

[+ deej]

Careful, pk! You could also get paired with buttcrack Bob, the plumber.

[leigh.bess.toad]

failling that a non-alcoholic Kennedy.

 

Are there any of those? I mean Maria Shriver might not have been before Arnold started banging whoever he could, but I'm she probably has started by now.

 

But you could hit the jackpot of all jackpots: you could draw Bosguy's name.

 

Well I guess at least he is a non-alcoholic Kennedy. So you may have a shot.

[Guy Fawkes]

Do the mandatory gay marriages come with a mandatory hot stud?

 

http://www.gossipboulevard.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/stud_jesse_metcalfe.jpg

[Bosguy]

Do the mandatory gay marriages come with a mandatory hot stud?

 

http://www.gossipboulevard.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/stud_jesse_metcalfe.jpg

 

Daddy I asked you not to put a picture of my twin brother on the site. He gets so depressed when our Bostonian friends tell him he's not as nice looking as me.

 

Bill (the evil twin)

[Bosguy]

I am considering moving to Massachusettes for the mandatory gay marriage. You never can tell, maybe I will be paired with hot Italian Boston stud with a hairy chest, a thick accent and a big dick that points to the left or failling that a non-alcoholic Kennedy.

 

PK Just because we are a liberal gay Commonwealth ( always thought that was an orgy for the rich--not Doit) we still have high standards. As outsiders, you will be scrutinized by the escorts you hire and the fellow clients on the Forum you associate with. You already have one mark against you--your seeming chumminess with LBT. I may be able to save you if you join my NICE SLUTS CLUB. If not I will be forced to take you for a ride to view the bridges of Cape Cod. Uncle Teddy developed this with Mary Jo.

 

The hot Italian Boston stud is actually only part Italian and only visits Boston occasionally from his home in the Northwest. He's a bigger tourist attraction than the Freedom Trail.

 

Bill KKKKKKKKKKK

[Guy Fawkes]

But... But... Butt...

 

He lets me tie him up and put Choclate Syrup & Whipped cream all over his body, and moans so loud while I'm licking it off....

 

All you did was take me out dancing with these really cute men dressed in....

 

Hummmm.... Never Mind!