Do escorts fall in love with clients?

[+ stevenkesslar]

Okay, I mean "falling in love" tongue in cheek. Love usually involves doing something with your tongue. :-)

 

This responds to last week's post about clients falling in love with escorts, but with a different twist. Here's part of what I wrote about this here way back in 2002:

 

One client of mine commented that "the consistent thread in your reviews is that all your clients seem to fall in love with you." I have escorted for 2 years and during that time I have had clients that I have seen regularly and that I do feel "close" to.

 

The emotions that develop are real. Sometimes the emotional rapport that exists between us is as good as the rapport I feel with friends I've known for years. Having said that, I don't fall in love with my clients, and I don't think they fall in love with me. There are definitely aspects of fantasies that get played out in our encounters. It's all very flattering, but it is also tempered by the fact that they all are firmly entrenched in reality.

 

I also know there are clients who are working through intimacy issues with me, not by talking about it, but by experiencing it. And I know that escorting is great therapy for me.

 

What feels different, reading this again, is about the last part - how much escorting, and intimacy, became a two way street.

 

When I wrote that, in 2002, my top client, who I'll call Tom, was going through a rough patch with his lifelong gay partner. He wanted someone sexy and kind to cuddle, fuck, and travel with while his partner was emotionally AWOL. I fit the bill for a few years. It wasn't love, but it was the best love money could buy.

 

He was the first client to take me to Europe - a gay bike trip through Provence. Throughout the trip, we acted like a couple. At the final dinner, someone asked why Tom had a ring on his finger, and I didn't. Tom answered that he had a partner, and I was a boyfriend. Then somebody looked at me with a big grin and said, "Geez, how many partners do you have?" I answered, "Oh, about 12." Everyone just burst out laughing.

 

A decade later, its no joke. Since then, escorting has been the primary way I've experienced intimacy, at least of the sexual kind. I've had lots of partners, some of them close ones, including boyfriends and other escorts, but most consistently clients. It's nice to be desired, and nice to spend years developing relationships with the men who desire you. They treat me graciously, even lovingly.

 

Tom fired me in 2003, when he and his better half got their act back together. Now he's a friend and political confidanate. At one point, I wanted to develop more roots in San Francisco, so I decided to go to political events. I called Tom, who immediately hit me up for $500 to join him at a gay fundraiser. At the dinner, I looked through the list of the organization's major donors. I realized I had a great strategy to meet successful and interesting gay men in the state: just let them hire me!

 

That's friendship, not love. I haven't "fallen in love" with a client. But ten years as an escort has created a set of interesting, polyamorous relationships that have sustained me as much as the monogomous relationships I used to have with guys I "fell in love with."

 

My top client now, who I'll call Harry, is someone I have known for a decade. We spend a week or more together at a time - more time than either of us spend with anyone else, including family and friends. He is one of three people I have been close to for years that I consider my personal heroes. (The others: Paul Wellstone and Gale Cincotta, both of whom were my mentors). Through his work, I've watched him try to make the world a better place, in a significant way. If I had a partner, I would want him to be someone like Harry, someone full of kindness and integrity who I admire.

 

Most of my long-term clients fit the same bill. Some have partners, some have wives, some are single. But I share an emotional and sexual intimacy with all of them, the kind I once had only with partners. It may have started as a fantasy, a way to explore different sexual longings. What's interesting is that after spending years together, what started as fantasy turns into a relationship. And the intimacy becomes more and more real.

 

If there's something missing, its wild, crazy romance, "falling head over heels in love". I've had plenty of that in my life, one time resulting in marraige, and its a nice place to be. Everyone wants to be "in love." That's certainly a fantasy that escorts are paid to conjure.

 

I've spent lots of time volunteering to win the legal right for gay marraige. The more interesting debate, which won't happen, would be over this question: Which is better: straight marraige, or the gay kind? Having been married to a woman, I know it comes with thousands of years of rules about what you are supposed to think, do, and feel. Gay unions have been about two adults making up the rules as they went along, based on their best understanding of their mutual needs.

 

For years my life has been full of men who deeply love their wives, husbands, or partners. They have emotional, intellectual, financial and sexual connections to each other. But they still want at least a peak at something else. A fantasy, a different kind of sex, a muscular body, a romance. Or maybe just a break from the rules and monotony of monogomy. It's a privilege to be at the center of their searching and learning. But I'm searching and learning too.

 

The one time I ran into real trouble, and was stalked, my therapist told me I screwed up by revealing too much of myself to a client. So I asked my long-term clients this: Would I be a better escort if, in effect, I weren't me, if I instead tried to project some fantasy? Every one of them told me that the reason they hired me is precisely because I am me, including my warts and emotional diarhhea. (If you've read this far, you can relate!) What ends up happening isn't love. But it somehow takes on the characteristics of a reciprocal, loving relationship.

 

I lost a close friend, who I'll call Dick, in part over escorting. We had an interesting "grass is always greener on the other side" relationship. We both had something the other wanted, but couldn't have. Dick had a kind and loving partner, who loved nothing more than being with Dick. I had an "international man of mystery" lifestyle, with fuck buddies, clients and family to travel with from Mykonos to Buenos Aires. I had freedom. Dick had love. I never felt I had the better part of the deal. Yet somehow, Dick came to. I knew 15 years of intense friendship was crashing down when I was telling him about a trip to Europe with the client I was and am closest to, and Dick burst out with this: "I don't ever want to hear his fucking name again!" My therapist felt I'd unwittingly allowed my image to reflect badly on his reality. The denouement occurred with a letter from my friend saying he never wanted to see me again, along with the keys to my house, which he had a set of.

 

This story involves another set of keys, which makes it even sadder. Several years later, Dick died, suddenly and unexpectedly. Life being ironic, his death allowed me to be an emotional anchor for his grieving partner. One night, in his living room, he showed me a display case. It held over a dozen handmade, exquisitely designed hearts, each with keys attached, which Dick presented to his beloved every Valentine's Day. His partner said this as he collapsed sobbing in my arms: "I thought there would be dozens more. But I am grateful for every one of them."

 

I keep the keys to my heart more hidden. But in my own discreet and cautious ways, I've given parts of myself to the clients I'm close to. I couldn't have grown and found meaning in escorting if I hadn't.

 

The money is good in escorting. But there is a price you pay. One of my favorite movies lately is "The Life Of Fish," about a sexy Chilean travel journalist who lives in Europe and travels all over the world. He lives a charmed life, but a rootless one. He goes "home" to sees old friends, who are saddled with wives, kids, responsibilities. They greet him with combinations of jealousy, lust, joy, and regret. At the center of the story is the woman he loved and left 10 years ago - and still loves, maybe. The film is a rumination on what their love could have been, but wasn't and won't be. While it may look sexy, its lonely to be a tourist in your own emotional world.

 

Many "clients" and "escorts" have this in commom: we pursue fantasy like tourists, as if it were love. When I did it with a wife, it lasted for years, and it became love, which sometimes felt like a burden. When I'm paid to do it with a new client, its like the movie: it ends quickly, without burden, and at best leaves an impression of what could be. I've lived for a decade between those two extremes - mostly fulfilling, sometimes lonely. If I've learned something, it's to love and be grateful for what, and especially who, I have. You never know if you will have more, much less dozens more.

[Guest greatness]

Well I think it's possible. People fall in love with others from all walks of life so I guess so.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Steven -- Beautifully written and expressed. And it seems, to me at least, the blend perfectlyl with a post I made a little over a week ago on another thread. I'd love to know if you agree:

 

From my point of view, one part of the relationship between an escort and the client that may be mistaken or misconstrued by others may not be love as some are viewing it the romantic sense but is more of an emotional connection between client and escort – a connection that can flow both ways. I can, and do, love many people without being “in love” with any. I’m concerned for your welfare, I want you to be happy, do well, be content, get everything you want out of life, suffer no harm. I want to comfort you when you hurt, celebrate with you when you triumph, uplift when you are down, make you laugh to brighten your day, and provide an ear to listen when you just need to talk. Because I’m emotionally connected to you. Because I love you. But I’m not in love with you. You’re my friend. You’re my confidante. You’re my pal. You’re my buddy. You’re my escort. You’re my client. It can flow both ways. There can be an emotional connection without a romantic connection.

 

And I can have that same level of commitment with many others as well – my accountant, my doctor, my housekeeper, my hairdresser, my mechanic, my neighbor. It is not necessarily exclusive to the relationship with an escort. However, it does lend itself more readily to the escort relationship given the inherently intimate nature of the relationship.

 

It may be love, but a different type of love. And I think what we may be seeing and discussing is the difference between types of love. BC, you mentioned that there was enough here for several books. Well one has been written going into what I’m talking about. In the book “Colours of Love”, John Lee laid out six types of love.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_styles

 

What BC and others are talking about and are rightly concerned about is eros or more likely mania, which can be dangerous if it flows in either direction. However, what I’m talking about, and what people often mistake as eros or mania is actually more likely agape, storge or even pragma. I tend to believe it is more agape myself. But we must not allow ourselves to believe the worst in everyone: that because someone has a favorite escort, that because someone is committed to an escort and does many things for him that they are a stalker – that they are in eros or mania love when it could be one of the other types. Outsiders cannot or should not necessarily make that call. It is up to the escort (or the client if it goes the other way) to know when they feel uncomfortable and change or terminate the relationship. We cannot judge the nature of the relationship from the outside.

[justaguy]

Steven, this is beautifully articulated. If you wrote a book, I'd buy it. Now I have to fess up to having a dark side, and being too immersed in Faulkner way too often. "The money is good in escorting. But there is a price you pay." I can easily imagine the upside of escorting, not just the money but being chased and told you're beautiful on a regular basis. It's that "price" I'm more interested in, its negative effects, what it takes to do this job well.

[+ peterhung85]

Hi,

 

Great question. I would say that an escort should not fall in love with a client because that would be unprofessional, however no matter how professional someone is in life things happen... In my life, it happened to me twice. Both of those men were incredibly sweet and I put a lot of trust into the relationship. Eventually, none of them worked out, in fact I got treated very badly by both of those people and I promised to myself to never EVER fall in love with a client again. Since then I have been able to keep this promise and even though I no longer fall in love with my clients I happen to have plenty of friends/clients who I keep in touch with on a regular basis. Both of those two men in my life who were my clients before were not attractive physically but their behavior and heart won me immediately. But of course... you need time to really get to know the other person!

[Diverdan]

Steven,

Thanks so much for sharing this eloquent writing about yourself.

DD

[Guest greatness]

Peterhung, You have such a warm heart.

[happyguy2]

Men like Peter and Steven are proof that escorts are highly talented and very likable people .... and articulate. Its not that an escort ever fell in love with me but some certainly do find us to be people with whom they like to be. And vice-versa. I read somewhere on this board that one person found escorts more interesting - by and large - than other people. I think he had a point!

[+ overeasy]

Steven -- what to say....started reading...kept reading....empathizing, wanting to sit and visit over a bottle of wine... just sorry we have not met. Thank you.

[NYTomcat]

Steven. Thank you so much. Im not going to say much .... but I wanted you to know how really wonderful it is to see an escort share what so many on our side do. Love is too often defined. And almost always to narrowly and with too many restrictions and rules. Truth is love doesn't come with rules. We do. Its taken me a year to get past mine and its still a work in progress but ... a journey well worth it. And it is a pleasure and great incentive to see the joys of the path ahead. Thank you for being you and sharing that with so many. And so many more through your words here.

[Guest greatness]

Love is a very difficult to define isn't it? It is a universal concept but it's so hard to define.

[Guest countryboywny]

This is a very interesting subject to me. I've been fortunate to meet a couple of escorts with whom I'd love to be friends on a personal level.

As happyguy said, these escorts are very likeable guys and I genuinely care about them. I am however, mindful of not being that client who

emails/calls them "just to check in" for fear of being a pain in the ass or God forbid, a stalker! I think escorts need to be careful when letting

clients into their "personal circle" for fear that the client has less than honorable motives. While I have no interest in an "in love" relationship,

I certainly would be a genuine and caring friend to those couple guys I've met. Will it ever happen? probably not, but for me, just being open

to it makes me feel more "real"

[happyguy2]

You do have a way with words, cowboy. You said it very well, and judging from your posts, you would be a wonderful friend to many.

[Epigonos]

You know countryboywny it just might happen. When it is most likely to do so is if and when you establish an escort/client relationship with one or more REGULARS. Then if you see the guy(s) for more than one hour and share a meal together over time friendship develops. I currently have that type of relationship with two guys I see. We are definitely not in love with each other but we have become genuinely concerned about each others welfare. We also keep in touch but certainly every day or week.

[+ purplekow]

So Steven, when you said you loved me it was all a lie, a terrible terrible lie. I should have suspected when NYC fell off your map. Ah well, better to have loved and lost...or is it. Robert Flack sang it best, well almost like this:

 

I though you had a great dong, I thought you had a style, and so I came to see you, and fuck with you for awhile, I screamed when I finished but you just kept right on, Pumping my face with your hot ass, drawing me in with your words, killing me firmly with your dong, killing me firmly with your dong. Filling my whole room with your sex, killing me firmly with your dong.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Funny PK. And I do love ROBERT Flack. Is he related to Roberta by any chance? :)

[Guest greatness]

Pk it so creative~~ Thanks.

 

So Steven, when you said you loved me it was all a lie, a terrible terrible lie. I should have suspected when NYC fell off your map. Ah well, better to have loved and lost...or is it. Robert Flack sang it best, well almost like this:

 

I though you had a great dong, I thought you had a style, and so I came to see you, and fuck with you for awhile, I screamed when I finished but you just kept right on, Pumping my face with your hot ass, drawing me in with your words, killing me firmly with your dong, killing me firmly with your dong. Filling my whole room with your sex, killing me firmly with your dong.

[Guest countryboywny]

to PK - that was a great post!

 

Epigonos and happyguy... thank you for your comments

 

You hit the nail on the head, Epigonos..

[leigh.bess.toad]

This is a very interesting subject to me. I've been fortunate to meet a couple of escorts with whom I'd love to be friends on a personal level.

As happyguy said, these escorts are very likeable guys and I genuinely care about them. I am however, mindful of not being that client who

emails/calls them "just to check in" for fear of being a pain in the ass or God forbid, a stalker! I think escorts need to be careful when letting

clients into their "personal circle" for fear that the client has less than honorable motives. While I have no interest in an "in love" relationship,

I certainly would be a genuine and caring friend to those couple guys I've met. Will it ever happen? probably not, but for me, just being open

to it makes me feel more "real"

 

countryboy -- you know the affection I have for you. I'm not afraid to tell you I love you. But I'm not IN LOVE with you. But Epigonos is right -- it takes time. I have yet to meet an escort who doesn't like an occasional email from a client to just say "Hi" and "thinking of you". But if you are to be let into their world a bit as a friend, you also need to reveal things about yourself -- things like what we have shared with each other. I think you are on the way with one guy, unless I miss my guess. Quite a few of the guys I see have let me into their world in small ways, revealing far more about themselves and their lives than I have any reason to expect. And I'm sure the longer and more often that I see them I will be let in more and more. But it takes time. I know I will never get to the place that some have gotten with different escorts. But hopefully they all know that I will lend an ear to listen if they need to talk, a shoulder to cry on if needed. Be open to them and you'd be surprised how much they do let you in. And with your personality, that is sure to happen.

[Bart]

PK outstanding and I just heard Roberta singing that song today, some of the finest lyrics ever written and so beautiful sung with style. That said I would love to hear Weird Al sing your version of the lyrics.

[Bart]

Steven we dont hear from you for months and then you post a very thoughtful post that touches on so many themes for both escort and client. Thank you for making me think about this.

 

Country Boy, I think many of us wishes to have that one or two guys who we can feel we would love to share our life or be a part of theirs not as lovers but as friends. However, I will tell you or remind you when meeting a professional even several times he is only letting you see one side and maybe just a glimpse of the other. Many gentlemen are quite good at concealing who they really are because that is their job. They are there for you, so they should come upbeat, even if they are having a tough day. It is difficult to allow clients into their personal life because they too need to have balance and remain clear headed. I know some will say they are not acting but if they are having a an off day they should be 100% there for you right?

 

I have been very fortunate to have made a few freinds but I have become close friends with one individual. But it is not all laughter, fun and games. Most likely, as Steven has stated their will be tears along the way. I saw two gentlemen I thought I was close to break up and that did not go well. Being friends means being there in the good times and the bad. Most of all you have to remember when you are discussing issues he is coming at point of his business and you have an aspect of client. That can change perception.

 

Friendship can only be given, you cant really ask for it.

[Guest countryboywny]

Friendship can only be given, you cant really ask for it.

 

You speak the truth, Bart. Thanks!

[NYTomcat]

Steven we dont hear from you for months and then you post a very thoughtful post that touches on so many themes for both escort and client. Thank you for making me think about this.

 

Country Boy, I think many of us wishes to have that one or two guys who we can feel we would love to share our life or be a part of theirs not as lovers but as friends. However, I will tell you or remind you when meeting a professional even several times he is only letting you see one side and maybe just a glimpse of the other. Many gentlemen are quite good at concealing who they really are because that is their job. They are there for you, so they should come upbeat, even if they are having a tough day. It is difficult to allow clients into their personal life because they too need to have balance and remain clear headed. I know some will say they are not acting but if they are having a an off day they should be 100% there for you right?

 

I have been very fortunate to have made a few freinds but I have become close friends with one individual. But it is not all laughter, fun and games. Most likely, as Steven has stated their will be tears along the way. I saw two gentlemen I thought I was close to break up and that did not go well. Being friends means being there in the good times and the bad. Most of all you have to remember when you are discussing issues he is coming at point of his business and you have an aspect of client. That can change perception.

 

Friendship can only be given, you cant really ask for it.

 

Truer words cannot be said. An escort walks a fine line with a client between fulfilling a fantasy and reality breaking in. Its much easier to have that fantastic for short stints. That don't require sharing the day to day. But to truly be a friend you have to give the friendship. Be prepared and willing to lose the fantasy and that it may never be able to be recovered. Its a very difficult choice to make. One that I know some of the clients and escorts here have had to face. And from it we all come to different outcome. Much based on what we bring to the table ourselves. There is no Rulebook for life... no standard instruction manual. But pk. In his humor is most profound. Its is better to have.loved and lost ... and many times what you put out is repaid . But not always. Be who you want to be. Sooner or later you reap what you sow.

[Guest greatness]

I truly agree. That is what I am afraid of.. not for that I will reap something bad... On the contrary are we really looking out for the best interest of people we hire? Are we doing the right thing? The society we live in confuses me.. Just my rambling...

 

Be who you want to be. Sooner or later you reap what you sow.

[NYTomcat]

I truly agree. That is what I am afraid of.. not for that I will reap something bad... On the contrary are we really looking out for the best interest of people we hire? Are we doing the right thing? The society we live in confuses me.. Just my rambling...

 

A good question to ask. And only you can answer it for you. But just asking says alot about you as a person