Fort Lauderdale Grades - December 2010

[Jake]

FORT LAUDERDALE

 

Had the chance to spend a few days in FTL with my bud from Chicago. It was his first visit to the bars so I was psyched to give him the tour. In order from worst to best, here's the report.

 

#4: Dudes

Dude. Seriously. WTF. Dead. Paid $5 cover and my jaw dropped as we turned the corner. They are smart to not let you see inside before you pay the cover. Scanned the room. It was busy, but not with dancers. Just lots of old dudes getting plastered. We were going to just leave but the now $10 richer doorman encouraged us to walk around a bit... saying that there really are dancers. Why not... we figure. 45 seconds later we were in the parking lot making our escape. There were TWO dancers. Neither would turn my head at a regular bar, let alone one where I would put a George Washington in their undergarment.

 

GRADE: F

 

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#3: Boardwalk

No changes here. Lots of older, buffed up guys who come off like used car salesmen. Most are kind of aloof and straight. A few hotties stand out because they're not gym rats or over 30. One dancer in particular that stuck out was an early 20 something named Mike. Lean with a little muscle. Short buzzed hair around the sides. Facially he looked like Jesse McCartney (now, not 5 years ago). Pretty. But pretty popular... was always spoken for whenever we had interest. As always, the complete lack of privacy in the "privates" kills any chance of fun. But the $2 drink night was quite awesome. If you're going to go, go on amateur night Wednesday. You get the fresh faces and $2 wells. Pretty much the only enjoyable night of the trip at B'walk.

 

GRADE: C+

 

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#2: Johnnys

Although it wasn't as populated with cute guys this trip, Johnnys still was the default go to spot most nights. A few familiar faces... the Russian guy Vladimir I believe. Tall, lean swimmers defined build was there. A boy I remembered from an amateur night from my last visit 8 or 9 months ago is now a dancer there... cute, and according to my bud, wild in the back. His name was Ethan. Kind of looks like Drake Bell facially. If you don't know who Drake Bell is you probably don't go to Johnnys. Was very disappointed that the amateur night bombed and was cancelled due to lack of contestants. Was hoping like hell to see the blond boy at the bar on stage. Apparently wasn't to be - it was just the boyfriend of the uber cute bartender. They will have beautiful ... pets. Not much new to say about Johnnys. I like the privacy in the back. Hate the parking situation. Hate the drink prices after 9pm. Hate the R&B club night. And more than anything, I hate hate HATE the thick smoke that stinks up your hotel room the entire trip. But always one or two knockouts will keep me coming back.

 

GRADE: B-

 

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#1: Cosmos/Oz

What the? I hadn't even heard of this place! I think someone posted a few months back about it, but the thread must have gotten buried from inactivity. This place is too big for a strip club. Even if it's busy, it will never look it. It's got the layout and real estate of a dance club. But of the several visits on the trip, not once did I have a bad time. One night they had... oh god... $1 well drinks. There were always at least 3 or 4 cute dancers. The private room was private. I will say though that the cute dark haired emo'ish boy I brought back (Charlie I think?) was pretty dull. But his cute made up for it. Friendly, but not pushy dancers. And a monkey. No I'm not lying. There was a monkey in there one night. Nice, clean club. You don't walk out with the smoking stench on you. Nice comfortable couches you can chill out on with your favorite dancer. Pains me to see this place as quiet as it was some nights. It shouldn't be. I talked to the guy who runs it and commended him. As I figured, he coaches the dancers on how to interact. He gets on their case to approach clients... but not Boardwalk-style where you feel violated. A nice mix of guys - but definitely more twinky if that's your thing.

 

GRADE: B+

 

 

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So that's it. No "A's" on this trip. But only one failing grade. So that's not a bad trip. Couple things to pass along. You can get the Westin in North Ft Lauderdale off 95 on Priceline by bidding $40 a night plus tax (3-1/2 star level). Great sauna, hot tub and pool. Got a rental car on Priceline by bidding $10 a day. (Tax was $10 a day too.)

[lerbut23]

I guess different strokes for different folks.

I think the description you gave for Dudes applies equally to Cosmos. (except there are no people at Cosmos)

 

If anyone goes to Cosmos based on this review expecting to find the best club in Ft. Lauderdale you will be sadly disappointed.

[+ BOZO T CLOWN]

Agree with lerbut23.

Bozo just returned from south Florida, and Cosmos aka Club OZ is awful; unattractive dancers, no customers, and overpriced drinks.

Nice decor, though....

 

Bozo

[Jake]

Definitely agree with the different strokes part. Bozo has been quite clear in his fondness for the gym rats.

 

If you like em buff, boardwalk is your place. But there were literally two dancers at dudes. Neither were attractive by anyones standards.

 

Went to oz three times on the trip. At least 3 cute dancers out of the dozen or so there each night. If you like the johnnys boys, you'd be smart to check out oz. Wasn't even on my radar when I landed at FTL.

 

$1 screwdrivers hardly seem overpriced to me. The most I paid for one all 3 nights was $4.50.

 

But yep. If you like the roid look, take the clowns advice.

[Jake]

One thing that struck me on this trip (my 5th I think) is how quiet all of the clubs were collectively. Was it just quiet because the weather was cold?

[+ BOZO T CLOWN]

"But yep. If you like the roid look, take the clowns advice."

 

Truth be told is that Bozo is not fond of the "roid" type of body. Bozo prefers the lean, gymnast type physique. What Bozo doesn't find appealing is the skinny, effeminate, queenie type that sashays around in a girlish manner. This is the type, with a few exceptions, that predominates at Johnny's, for any customer to see; well, if you can see anything at all through the thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

Seems that Jake's review also omitted the loud, pulsating music played at Johnny's that is far louder than what is played at any other south Florida strip club, or anywhere else for that matter.

 

Bozo

[twinkboylover28]

I can't handle cig smoke. That's why I stick to Montreal, Toronto, and Detroit strip clubs.

I wish Florida would follow suit with the rest of the country in going the smoke-free route in adult clubs.

That will likely never happen anytime soon.

[Jake]

I can't handle cig smoke. That's why I stick to Montreal, Toronto, and Detroit strip clubs.

I wish Florida would follow suit with the rest of the country in going the smoke-free route in adult clubs.

That will likely never happen anytime soon.

 

Ugh agreed. That's one of the big reasons I rate Oz over Johnnys. Johnnys has more dancers, but Oz had just as many *hot* guys... without the choking cigarrette stench. Since it's such a huge room, if you're not next to a smoker, you're fine.

 

Has Florida even tried to make this happen? That whole argument that it'll drive people away from going out is so bogus. Look anywhere the law's been put into effect.

[Jake]

Seems that Jake's review also omitted the loud, pulsating music played at Johnny's that is far louder than what is played at any other south Florida strip club, or anywhere else for that matter.

 

Bozo

 

As the saying goes... if it's too loud, you're too old. :-)

 

Nah I'm not terribly crazy about Johnnys sound system. That's another reason I liked Oz better. Johnnys speakers are just old and muffled. Oz was obviously designed to be a dance club so sound was important in the design.

 

You're better off at Boardwalk where it's like a library. You can barely hear the monotonous crud they play. They need to update their library. There were a couple songs that just made me laugh ... poor dancers having to try to seduce customers with songs like The Macarena? Poor bastards.

[+ newatthis]

One thing that struck me on this trip (my 5th I think) is how quiet all of the clubs were collectively. Was it just quiet because the weather was cold?

We must have been there the same time. I no longer bother with Boardwalk. My twink-magnet friend (regular readers of this forum will know who I mean) had been to Cozmos the week before and gave the dancers very low grades, so I stuck with Johnny's all 3 nights I was in town. It was kind of slow compared to other visits I've made, but there were still plenty of dancers to keep me interested and busy.

 

Johnny's has replaced the large lap dance booth next to the DJ with a passageway through to the other side. The other side, by the way, when there's not a special event taking place there, is spacious, relatively quiet, and less smoke-filled than the dancers' side. Quite a few dancers seem to hang out there some of the evening, so it's worth checking out.

[Jake]

Johnnys should capitalize on that side more... like on off nights when there's no event on that side, put some couches or something where you can chat with dancers for a few mins. I like the music loud, but it's nice to have the quiet side of the club. Maybe have one dancer on a stage in there too so you don't feel like you're missing out on anything.

[Guest CTguy]

Was in Ft Lauderdale last week and thought both Johnny's and Boardwalk were both pretty good. It was my first time at Johnny's and didn't really think the music was too loud nor the smoke a problem, this surprised me as many previous posters mentioned how bad that was. The dancers are pretty much boyish in the 18 -25 age range. There were a number of skinny effeminate twinks and also a number of boy next door college type guys, if you are into the manly muscle type guys don't go to Johnny's.

 

Boardwalk had more of a mix of guys, if you like the manly muscle guys you would not be disappointed and for those who like the boy next door college twink guys you would have a good time too. There were a couple of pushy aggressive guys looking for tips but that was really the exception for the most part. The dancers were pretty friendly and talkative and for a couple of bucks in their briefs were pretty happy with that.

 

Overall the strip clubs in FLL were pretty good, I usually go to Montreal for that type of entertainment but FLL is a good alternative for the middle of January.

[twinkboylover28]

mmmmmmmmmm johnnys sounds delicious with all those skinny white twinks

[Jake]

Was in Ft Lauderdale last week and thought both Johnny's and Boardwalk were both pretty good. It was my first time at Johnny's and didn't really think the music was too loud nor the smoke a problem, this surprised me as many previous posters mentioned how bad that was. The dancers are pretty much boyish in the 18 -25 age range. There were a number of skinny effeminate twinks and also a number of boy next door college type guys, if you are into the manly muscle type guys don't go to Johnny's.

 

Boardwalk had more of a mix of guys, if you like the manly muscle guys you would not be disappointed and for those who like the boy next door college twink guys you would have a good time too. There were a couple of pushy aggressive guys looking for tips but that was really the exception for the most part. The dancers were pretty friendly and talkative and for a couple of bucks in their briefs were pretty happy with that.

 

Overall the strip clubs in FLL were pretty good, I usually go to Montreal for that type of entertainment but FLL is a good alternative for the middle of January.

 

Once I have a few drinks in me the smoke is less bothersome. I'm just used to places where you can't smoke inside in a public place. So when you go to any FL bar it's a weird transition - but with Johnny's there's no ventilation so just gets so thick. The music? I'm still in the "can't be loud enough" range. But for most of the clientele I can see how it'd get annoying. But I certainly wouldn't want to walk in to a strip club to see hot young guys dancing to Frankie Valli.

 

I always try to compare/contrast MTL too. It's such a no-brainer during the winter.