How Does a Bi-Sexual Guy Come Out?

[instudiocity]

Based on some of the posts here, I fall into the none of the above category. I am not into relationships and have no interest in emotional/relational connections, so am I asexual? anti-sexual? Years ago, I dated women, and dropped that species when I realized I was nothing more than an ATM to them. Then I decided to try out men, and quickly learned that relationships with my own kind would be disastrous. Does a hot babe still get me horned? Yep, but I don't go to that playground anymore. It's so much easier to stick with men for hot safer sex only without emotional baggage, and just leave relationships to those who are wired for it. So am I asexual?

 

You dropped a species? Brother, you dropped a GENDER! I mean you still engage in sex with homo sapiens, correct?

 

I'd say you and I enjoy the physical stimulation of hot sex with a man. If that's not gay? I'm not sure what gay is.

[Guest FTLdude]

I'm bi, and I've never believed that coming out would benefit me in any significant way. I'm not married and don't have any kids. Only a few very close bi friends know about me. I date women, I occasionally hook up with men. I like having sex with both. I like discretion so I have no problem with keeping things exactly the way they are. The whole world doesn't need to know the intimate details of my private life. True that one size doesn't fit all, but I don't see the point of coming out unless you want to openly be in relationships with other men.

 

I guess I don't understand what the OP is really asking. Does he not love his wife anymore? Is he not in love with her anymore? Is he coming to a point where he feels he would rather be with a man than with her? Is the marriage already on the rocks? Is he really sure that he's bi, or is he a gay man who's just finding himself? Or is he just experiencing new feelings and not so sure what they mean? Has he actually hooked up with other men? If yes, what were those experiences like? Even in these situations, one can talk it out, divorce privately, and end the marriage relationship without getting into bisexuality as the reason---unless one really wants to do this. I wouldn't recommend it. If the OP decides to go this route he should prepare himself to accept the possibility that family and friends might cut him off. Not everyone will understand or accept it, and he may have to move and/or start over with a new set of friends to escape from the drama; and sometimes no matter what you do its not so easy to just come out and then walk away. Nothing we do is entirely without consequences, and some of these aren't pretty.

 

Coming out as bi is not the same thing as coming out as gay. A bisexual man is attracted to both genders, but many find that they are attracted to one gender a bit more than the other. Coming off of a marriage and getting into a same-gender relationship doesn't necessarily mean that he will always want to be only with men. In fact, he may very well find himself harboring a strong desire to be with women again. For some, being bi gets complicated and relationships are difficult because they go for a while with one gender then find themselves longing for the other. Its not an easy thing to figure out when you're just discovering yourself so its best to not be in too much of a haste to come out. My point here is, why tell family, friends and spouse at all if you don't have to. Maybe the OP loves his wife and has no intention of leaving her, and if that's the case I don't see any advantage to coming out. Sometimes its ok to just keep things the way they are and safely (and VERY discretely) hookup to get your rocks off now and then. I don't see anything wrong with staying that course until he's absolutely sure about what he wants to do. Of course, some people will call this cheating. I call it taking care of unmet needs. No point in telling a spouse about one's bisexuality unless one wants to end the marriage and move on. Telling his wife about it may ultimately ruin the marriage anyway. I can't imagine that too many married woman will feel secure if they know they're competing against other men for their husbands' attention. They're always going to be suspicious that maybe he's sleeping with other men behind their backs. The difference would be if the woman knows the man to be bi from before they got married.

 

Tough decision to make.

[NYTomcat]

I don't necessarily believe that we disagree on many things, per se. Sometimes I just express myself poorly.

 

Like coming out, exploring sexuality, seeking right answers, etc., I too am a work in progress and am better at times than others.

 

It sounds like we are all pretty much in the same boat on that one. God knows I've not been very clear in a lot of my posts. But your advice here too rich could not be more correct in my opinion. Or as much as my opinion matters.

[jawjateck]

You dropped a species? Brother, you dropped a GENDER! I mean you still engage in sex with homo sapiens, correct?

 

I use the word "species" jokingly, but if anyone has ever dated a money-grubbing vixen, he knows what I mean by the humor. They are a different species.

[doitb4ugo]

First I want to apologize for being a bit snippy early in this thread. I clearly understand NOW where posters were headed in defining Bi...At the time I had not even considered the definition having an effect on the message.

 

Second, A big thank you to everyone for offering the best advice to a somewhat incomplete query. I sometimes forget that when posting and thinking out loud at the same time, you guys don't know what is in my head, only what I put in the thread. I was in a very fragile state when posting this thread and needed to have some more brain fuel in the way of thoughts for me to chew on....You guys have certainly suplied me with that...

 

Third, do I know what I am...Gay, Bi, straight? Well I know I am not straight. Given the bulk of definition of Bi...I am not bi either. I AM GAY. That being said hardly changes my life but rather leaves me wondering, How have I lived happily with the same beautiful, loving woman for 40 years remaining completely devoted to her and tearing myself up for recently finding solace and sex with men....I am not closer to a synthesis of this than before...Perhaps I expect to much to get this all to make sense when, as many here know, I have been trying to make sense of sex for months with little real progress.

 

It seems that I can;t move forward and I can't go back...JP Sartre would enjoy my predicament.

[+ purplekow]

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

As far as coming out. Tell the people that need to know, the people to whom you are already discussing your sexual activities. If you choose to tell any others, they should be told later. So, your wife, she needs to know. You gardener, not so much and only if he is hot. Your friend who just noticed you drooling over the waiter's ass at dinner, probably a good idea to mention it. Your 96 year old mother with angina, probably knows anyway so skip it.

I am bi, because I bi sex from both men or women. I know you are not bi-ing sex you are bi-ing the time of the person so that they will put your dick in the mouth, etc. .

[NYTomcat]

happy thanksgiving to all.

As far as coming out. Tell the people that need to know, the people to whom you are already discussing your sexual activities. If you choose to tell any others, they should be told later. So, your wife, she needs to know. You gardener, not so much and only if he is hot. Your friend who just noticed you drooling over the waiter's ass at dinner, probably a good idea to mention it. Your 96 year old mother with angina, probably knows anyway so skip it.

I am bi, because i bi sex from both men or women. I know you are not bi-ing sex you are bi-ing the time of the person so that they will put your dick in the mouth, etc. .

 

god i've missed you. Roflmao!!!!!!

[Diverdan]

GO SLOW...what ever your decision...

 

I was not going to add anything to my earlier post, but when jawjakeck asked the question, "am I asexual", I just had to comment that no one is really asexual, unless they no longer have any sexual feelings of any kind to any man or any woman. Even kids before puberty are not "asexual", but they don't know why they have certain feelings or attractions. But eventually they learn what those feelings and attractions mean.

 

Rich, I was glad to read your more recent post, as it does clarify your first post. My only other advise is to GO SLOW... and frankly I would suggest you find a good gay or gay friendly psychologist/counselor/therapist to talk this through before you do anything drastic, like "coming out" to your wife or family.

 

Good luck and best wishes as you navigate these waters... and have a Happy Thanksgiving. Holidays can be especially tough when one is going through these kinds of situations and decisions, but know that we all are here for you.

 

DD

[leigh.bess.toad]

Rich -- there have been a lot of great responses here and I hope you take your time and take them in.

 

For you, I think the question is what are you trying to accomplish by coming out, especially to your wife and kids. After many years of marriage, where you still fix romantic dinners and spend intimate time with her, are you willing to risk EVERYTHING just so you can tell her of your interest in men. You have had an amazing tumultuous year. You have formed friendships on these boards that a year ago you couldn't even begin to imagine. And you have seen several of your closest friends go through the difficult and wrenching decision to come out to their families -- as gay men. It is certainly not a decision that can be rushed into. This is not a contest where if your friends make one decision you need to follow them down the path. Your life is different than anyone else's. Their decision is not necessarily right for you. You must try to weigh all the consequences, understanding full well that you won't be able to anticipate even the smallest portion of these consequences. What is the best case scenario for coming out as bi to your wife? What is the worst case? Can you live with yourself with the worst case or will you feel like you've thrown away a significant part of your life. Because like it or not, your wife may not understand at all. Are you prepared for dealing with a woman you have lived with and loved and raised kids with when she thinks that her world as she knew it has been completely and totally devastated -- because that is a very distinct possibility. But maybe she'd like to go to a gay bar with you and watch you have sex with another man.

 

Go slowly, brother. Take your time and try to consider everything. Lean on your friends for advice and counsel. Think. And then start that process all over again. Because once this can is opened it can never be closed.

 

If you are coming out to her simply to try to get her "permisssion" for exploring your interest in men, how likely is she going to be to give you that permission?

 

And I do hate to bring up the mundane, but will it affect your job? Does your employer have a strong anti-discrimination policy to protect against discrimination based on sexual orientation. Do you work for a company or boss that would find any pretense to fire you if they knew?

 

How about your friends? Not here -- we will be here for you no matter what. But what of your "real-world" friends. If they find out, will they support you or will they desert you? How about your kids? How will they react to finding out that Dad likes to fuck around with guys? There are many pieces to the puzzle that is in play here. Try to visualize the whole board. This is primarily a decision that affects you and your wife. But not exclusively.

 

I have no doubt that 2011 will be a critical year in the development of the man known as doit. Just don't rush into anything. Your friends are here for you to serve as sounding board, sympathetic ear, ass kicker. There is a lot of wisdom and experience on these forums. You have already gotten a lot of wonderful, thoughtful responses. Read and re-read them and then come back for more questions.

 

Unfortunately, in the end, there is no right and wrong here. You just have to decide what is best for you and those you love

[Guest greatness]

Oh my new gardner is so hot! Only thing is that he is straight. Anyways, just be open about it. I am labelled as gay immediately so I didn't have to come out or anything so I don't have to deal with this thing, fortunately..

 

You gardener, not so much and only if he is hot. .

[doitb4ugo]

Rich --

Unfortunately, in the end, there is no right and wrong here. You just have to decide what is best for you and those you love

 

One of my major problems here is that on the level of fairness, I'm not sure that it is not being self-serving being the one to decide how to proceed. In a past thread here, I was reminded that my spouse has the right to decide what to do and it is selfish of me to take away that option for her....Just another thought.

[Phil_musc]

Wow. Rich, I don't know you at all but I've enjoyed reading some of your posts over the past year or so. This has to be a very troubling issue for you and I'm really amazed at the sensitivity and thoughtful care that people have shown in writing here to offer their advice. Far be it from me to second guess them (or you) but some thoughts do come to me concerning your particular situation.

1) I believe you mentioned that you are 60 - not exactly in the first blush of youth. I don't say that because I think you are past the age of self-discovery; that is definitely not the case. We keep evolving as humans our whole life long (so I believe), But that also means that you should have emotional maturity that goes into your decision here. Whatever, you decide, it isn't just you in a vacuum. You have a wife who has shared her life with you for better or worse and all that means. Whatever, your decision, it will surely have an impact on her and is it really fair to say "I have to be true to myself?" It's not like she won't be affected by this. How do the benefit(s) you hope to gain by coming out stack up against the effects your decision may have on someone that you presumably love and care about.

2) Where would you like to be in five years? If your wife cannot accept your revelations (and that is a real possibility) do you want to start all over again at this point in your life? I realize that sixty isn't old, but in gay life it is certainly no plus in your arsenal. Do you really want to risk a lifetime of stability and real emotional ties for some sort of nebulous possibility?

3) On the other hand (you knew this was coming) women can be remarkably resilient and practical (more so than most men I've encountered, myself included). She may take your news with equanimity and grace and see it as a possibility of opening new doors to new experiences ("Honey, take me to the gay bar tonight. . .") Perhaps a whole new exciting chapter will open in your life in your relationship with her. Only you can answer that - you know her better than any of us on this board.

4) Thanks for posting your question and thanks to the many men who answered with thoughtful sensitivity and care. I'm so impressed with you all. I've read a lot of good advice here. Weigh your options carefully and consider the specific realities of your situation. Good luck.