Being afraid to admit you are lonely.

[Guest RyanCade]

I spend a pretty good bit of time and energy explaining to people how I view relationships as a "cage" a "prison" a "trap" not worth the time and energy it takes to hold on to them. I sit here today feeling lonely after watching the sun rise over the rocky mountains with my camp fire coffee alone.. Well alone with my ever so faithful and unconditionally loving four legged friend Miah. While I witnessed this most beautiful sunrise, I started thinking of my Ex who I was so deeply in love with and have no chance what so ever of rekindling that flame. I then begin to think of all the things I experience in my day to day life alone, with no one to share it with, in that way. like lovers do. or like they would if they knew what it was like to miss the one they are with.

 

So all bull**** aside, lonelyness sucks!! I find myself for the first time in a long time yearning for the love affection and trust, that I tell "myself" all the time I have lost faith in. My human side rears it's ugly head again.

 

I haven't given up, but I do feel somewhat hopeless and undeserving. I have always had a fear of not being "good enough" for true love or that God was somehow disappointed in me and was not permitting it in my life. I know I am dumping on the board and making myself vulnerable, but I am sure that many of you can relate and I am hoping for some new coping skills as this issue has once again bit me on the ass and I never saw it coming.

 

I have said many things to myself to minimize my pain enough to sweep it under the rug for awhile, but thats just it, it's only for awhile. Is there a man out there that can be trusted explicitly? That will love me as deeply as I love him? That understands who I am and everything that made me who I am and not judge me or question his sanity or faulter on his commitment to me? Does a man like this even exist? Is there a man that would be just as happy to see me as Miah every time I cross the thresh hold of the doorway, even if I have only been gone 30 seconds, I know that's pushing it. lol like the rest isn't. Is it selfish to want this so badly?

 

I have always been told, when I find him I will know. I am tired of waiting.

 

Sometimes I wish I was a fish......

[josephga]

Sad thing the longer you are alone the less you will care. After being hurt let down I just slowly stopped caring. Stopped caring to the point of were I haven't even been on a date since september of 05. And the longer I go the less I care. I'm reached the point to where I can be happy just having a pet to care for..

[Guest Wetnwildbear]

I understand - but

 

I don't want to be mean here - and I understand what being lonely can feel like.

 

However, it sounds like based on your comments that a lot of this is your choice or based on past choices.

 

In addition your reviews describe you as

 

Ethnicity: Caucasian Age: 30's

Height: 5'9" (175 cm) Weight: 160-170 lbs (73-77 kg) Build: Muscled

Eyes: Grey/Blue Hair: Dark Blond

Cock: Cut 6-7" (15-18 cm) Thick

Smoking: No Drinking: Moderate Tattoos: One

 

That sounds like a pretty good starting place to meet lots of potential friends and lovers. Lets face it especially in

 

Gay Mens Community (also in the str8t community) - many people want what is one the outside and down the pants

 

leg - long before they care about the heart, the mind, the spirit, the humor.

 

So it looks like if you want LOVE then you have a tremendous advantage over someone who is Fat/50's/and Balding.

 

Get off the mountain (after taking some cool sunrise photos) and start looking for LOVE!

 

Being alone - doesn't mean being lonely.

 

Good Luck in your search.

 

 

 

 

 

I spend a pretty good bit of time and energy explaining to people how I view relationships as a "cage" a "prison" a "trap" not worth the time and energy it takes to hold on to them. I sit here today feeling lonely after watching the sun rise over the rocky mountains with my camp fire coffee alone.. Well alone with my ever so faithful and unconditionally loving four legged friend Miah. While I witnessed this most beautiful sunrise, I started thinking of my Ex who I was so deeply in love with and have no chance what so ever of rekindling that flame. I then begin to think of all the things I experience in my day to day life alone, with no one to share it with, in that way. like lovers do. or like they would if they knew what it was like to miss the one they are with.

 

So all bull**** aside, lonelyness sucks!! I find myself for the first time in a long time yearning for the love affection and trust, that I tell "myself" all the time I have lost faith in. My human side rears it's ugly head again.

 

I haven't given up, but I do feel somewhat hopeless and undeserving. I have always had a fear of not being "good enough" for true love or that God was somehow disappointed in me and was not permitting it in my life. I know I am dumping on the board and making myself vulnerable, but I am sure that many of you can relate and I am hoping for some new coping skills as this issue has once again bit me on the ass and I never saw it coming.

 

I have said many things to myself to minimize my pain enough to sweep it under the rug for awhile, but thats just it, it's only for awhile. Is there a man out there that can be trusted explicitly? That will love me as deeply as I love him? That understands who I am and everything that made me who I am and not judge me or question his sanity or faulter on his commitment to me? Does a man like this even exist? Is there a man that would be just as happy to see me as Miah every time I cross the thresh hold of the doorway, even if I have only been gone 30 seconds, I know that's pushing it. lol like the rest isn't. Is it selfish to want this so badly?

 

I have always been told, when I find him I will know. I am tired of waiting.

 

Sometimes I wish I was a fish......

[Guest RyanCade]

The arduous task of giving yourself in hopes you can trust is the big problem. Love like you've never been hurt...... Easier said than done. You are correct I am living with the result of my on own life choices and one of them being my profession. It's not always easy to tell a hot man you meet outside of the biz, that you are in it. I guess that's a fear of mine that has stopped me from looking. It seems easier to play and let em go, than to have to explain and take the rejection that in my experience follows. I have gone through that a few times.

[josephga]

would you give up the profession to be with the right guy?

[+ purplekow]

My advice is the direct opposite of WetWildBear, get off the mountain and stop looking for love. Love is like a missing sock, you find it when you are looking for your keys. So take your fine self to a museum or supermarket or adult education class and have fun. Take a bus or a train rather than driving. Head over the dog park with Miah. You have found love, or some resemblence to it, in the past. Your ex is the asshole you broke it off with, not the knight in shining armor he looks to be in the rearview mirror. Forget him, those rebound romances with an ex NEVER WORK. As for Mr. Right, you have to be Mr. Right to find Mr. Right. Be the kind of man you want to attract and you find him. Don't want a player, don't look for dates at a club. God is much too busy to fuck up your love life, so don't look upon yourself as cursed or unworthy. In the meanwhile, if you are looking for a man with all the qualities you mentioned, plus a paunch, a bald spot and vivid memories of the 60s give me call. I can assure you, you will not be disappointed.

[Guest RyanCade]

It would mean finding another one, but I would and live in a grass shack, well maybe a cabin, for the "right" guy. Now we are really talking hard work for him to get me to believe him.... but I guess that in itself is a big part of the problem. I would be expecting the same from him as the other two

[josephga]

People look at me like I'm crazy sometimes for the stuff Ive said. I use to say id live in a trailer park for the right guy. seriously id live in a trailer with a faithful guy b4 id spend one night in a mansion with a cheat.

[Guest RyanCade]

Thanks PK I would love to find a guy just like me, lol but I wouldn't know it, cause we would brush each other off no matter how interested to make the other chase... :-) No in all honestly, I guess I do have a little work to do before I would be willing to say that. :-)

[+ purplekow]

If you dont want a game player, dont play games.

[+ David-SF]

Looking for Love

 

"That will love me as deeply as I love him?

That understands who I am

and everything that made me who I am

and not judge me or question his sanity or

faulter on his commitment to me?

Does a man like this even exist?

Is there a man that would be just as happy to see me as Miah every time I cross the thresh hold of the doorway, even if I have only been gone 30 seconds,

I know that's pushing it."

 

Ryan Can you love yourself as deeply as you want another man to love you

 

Do you understand who you are (to the same degree that you want another man to understand you)

 

are you free of judgment of all the things that made you who you are today

can you feel confident not to question your own sanity

 

are you able to not falter on your own commitment to another man as you would expect him to do for you. (and what does that entail what about your work etc etc)

 

are you happy and grateful as Miah is to walk in the door and see your home and life as it is today ( a gift) even if you only came back in after leaving for 30 seconds

 

If so then yes a man like that does exist and he is on a mountain top watching his child look at him with unconditional love and enjoying a beautiful sun.

 

It has been my experience that love comes when we least expect it and is full of changes and opportunities to learn to accept others for who they are today right now even if they have some things about them that you find difficult to accept.

Thats the joy of relationships they are never ever perfect (how boring) What is very exciting here is you are ready to have an adventure you have changed your mind about being trapped in a cage to being involved with another man whatever it may bring you.

Stay open to it.

I would venture to guess that your list above is also going to change as you find yourself more open to the idea of sharing expectations and communicating them to another and to yourself.

I am very anxious to hear about what happens next in your life I 100% know that this is a wish and you know what they say about wishes so proceed slowly with open optomistic and a grateful heart and you will have exactly what you want in life.

 

I hope you feel me hugging you tightly right now and jumping for joy that a change of heart has taken place for you its all a matter of perspective baby

You can look back and feel pain or you can look forward and imagine the endless possibility that is at your door step.

xo David

[Guest RyanCade]

THANK YOU DAVID! Very sweet and thoughtful. Spoken like a true Scorpio! :-) )P.S. I will ponder your questions?

[Guest BrandonWilliams]

Very well said Puplekow. I especially love your words, "love is like a missing sock, you find it when you are looking for your keys."

[Diverdan]

You have to look in the right places...

 

There are so many great places in the gay community to find someone who will love you and you will love him. It is very unlikely that you will find it in the clubs, bars or other venues where "sex" is the underlying theme. Once you come off the mountain try being a volunteer at a free health clinic, check out some of the gay clubs that focus on swimming, bike riding, hiking, reading good books, a church that welcomes all kinds and types of people, etc. I have many friends, not all of them gay, who have found their life partners in some of the most unusual places... coffee shops, libraries, at the ballet, symphony a football game, etc. Don't worry about finding "Mr. Right" on the first date and actually date without going to bed on the first one!!!!!

 

There is also the possibility that you may have to find a different profession from the one you are in now if you are going to find someone to spend the rest of your life with and have a mutually loving and supporting relationship. Are you prepared to do that? Do you still want to be in your current profession at 40, 50 or 60? If not, have you thought about alternatives?

 

You might want to consider having a gay life coach to help you sort out some of those issues, or a gay psychologist or social worker. I used to be a practicing psychologist and know that some counseling at this point in your life may be a great investment.

 

But don't be to hard on yourself. I have a partner, but even then we both need some time "alone" and have a number of interests that are quite different and sometimes are shared with others and not each other. It isn't that we love each other less, it is just a realization that over time individual's wants, needs and interests can change, but the love remains and grows stronger.

 

Feel free to send a pm if you want to chat about this more.

[+ sf westcoaster]

Ryan, Love and relationship are there for you, however, they won't just walk up to your door someday and say hi! You have got to put yourself out there, get involved in volunteer activities, join groups with interests similiar to yours, take a chance. Don't approach every encounter as if this is "the one" - enjoy life and enjoy the people you meet and someday you will find the person for you. I found the most wonderful and caring friend when I least expected it. Don't give up hope, but you must place yourself out there.

[+ newatthis]

I would add only one thing to the wonderful responses you've already had from david, sfwestcoaster, PK. Escorting is not the issue right now. If you find the person you're looking for, that question will resolve itself in the way that's best for both of you. I know escorts in long-term, stable relationships (as well as others where the escorting ended once the relationship took hold).

[JT Brooklyn]

WnW..Well said!

[wayout]

Some outstanding advice provided to your original post. I found myself in a similar situation when I was your age but I did not have the support system and, quite frankly, the courage to face it in a healthy way. Now, almost 25 years later, I find myself not in a much better situation than I was back then and I believe most of it is the result of my fear of commitment and/or fear of failure at a relationship. In my case I wish I had gotten some professional help but everyone is different. I just want to encourage you to seriously consider the advice given by others here because time passes quickly and I don't want you or anyone else to have any regrets about their lives, especially when it comes to finding that someone special. While it is often said that it is never too late to find someone special to share your life with, let's be honest and admit that as time goes on it becomes less and less likely. Give this a priority in your life, not to the exclusion of everything else, but certainly do what you can to make a positive change that will provide you the opportunity to find a special type of happiness that I believe you deserve. All my best wishes to you for your future.

[Guest RyanCade]

Thank you all for your wonderful insight. It has helped me and I feel a little better today. I have taken a couple of things from this. 1st to be that guy I wish to attract. 2nd Don't allow yesterdays pain discolor and distort today's joy. 3rd Get involved with social activities that by nature attract people with a desire to live a wholesome life and help others. Stop looking for the sun to rise in the west as each day is born in the east. I will "practice" applying these to my life and continue to wait for my knight in shining armor. I know my maker has only the best in mind for me, though it is very easy to forget when things aren't going my way. Thanks again!!

 

P.S. Check out the new signature pic of my little girl. Taken last night, she was giving me the daddy come to bed look....

[josephga]

what kind of dog is that? I want me a weenie dog or a toy poodle

[Guest RyanCade]

Miah has a little wienie dog in her, She is a Jack Russel Terrier, Dockson, Shitsu mix. 1+1+1=CRAZY Rescued-starving to death under a pick up truck in Dallas TX at 7 weeks old. Now she has to wear cucumber melon spray to cover the smell of her rottenness.. :-)

[Epigonos]

Ryan,

 

This thread is the type that, in my not so humble opinion, requires that the participants be sitting around with a drink in hand bantering back and forth. I would love to discuss this with you but writing out one response after another become a burden.

 

Now to be trite. Life requires that we constantly make decisions/choices. Many of the choices we make are based on the lesser of two evils but they are still choices. In the end we live the life we want because if we didn't we would NOT be living it. Only death is irrevocable (trite I know) so if you are unhappy with your current life situation -- change it. The choice is always yours (trite I know) and only yours.

[JT Brooklyn]

Put another way..Would you give up the "Profession" and the $1500-2000 a week non-taxable CASH INCOME?

 

My guess in many cases is NO! Unless "Ya finds a Sugar Daddy" to make up for the loss in Income!

[Guest RyanCade]

Isn't there a dating pool for escorts somewhere. Maybe I should start one. If anyone beats me to it I will sign up... I love my job and the money, HELL NO I don't want to give it up. But If the right guy asked me to I would.

[JT Brooklyn]

"IF the right guys asks"..I'm thinking you better and hopefully as the "Great Income" someday will be gone.. at least he wouldn't be in a Perfect World!

 

But in any case keep those Safety Deposit Boxes!