Why do I keep hiring escorts ? Is it low self-esteem?

[+ azdr0710]

 

At least you have a family to come home to....sorry, I am assumming you are married with children.Please correct me if I am wrong.

 

 

whoa, what made you think that, flannel??!!....never married, no kids, not even a relationship, ever!!

 

have only been to a gay bar maybe five times total....not my scene as I prefer straight-acting dudes....though I know the guys are hamming it up in the gay bars....

 

I think a guy should act like a guy and a woman should act like a woman...that may cause me grief here!!....

 

keep the escort-hiring as only an occasional fantasy sort of thing....get involved in other activities - like a gay adventure/outdoors group, something at meetup.com, that stuff....but, admittedly, I have difficulty hanging around goofy, feminine-acting guys.....

[body2body]

At 37 you have so much ahead of you, and the fact that you are questioning means that you may be on the cusp of change, it is always the most uncomfortable place.

 

You have received alot of very good advice. You can improve your appearance by going to Gym and watching your diet. Therapy can be beneficial. Working with other people as a volunteer, or a mentor, or just helping an elderly neighbor with their yard work, or shopping will increase your self esteem as well, and have the benefit of getting out of your own head.

 

Although I live in West Hollywood, I have not set foot in a bar since 2001 (and then it was Remington's in Toronto). You are online tonight and there are all sorts of sites where you can meet people. I had a date with a florist from Riverside on Saturday night. We met online. It was our second time together. He is a nice guy, but I already have an appointment with and escort I see regularly for next Tuesday night. If I ever meet "Him" (and at 59 I do not rule out that possiblility), I may stop seeing escorts. Or, I may not. You do not need to go to a bar to meet people.

 

When I began hiring escorts it was the mid 80's and all my friends were dying of AIDS. Sex was dangerous in those days, and I could not do it unless I could be in complete control of who did what to whom, and not have to worry about meeting someone else's expectations or demands. Today I hire for different reasons, one of the most important being that the men I hire are so very beautiful, and some are as beautiful on the inside as the outside.

 

Take some time to plan what course of action you want to take. Make a list of what you want to do, and try to accomplish just ONE goal. Start with a simple one (get a new haircut- join a gym) then move on to the next, it may seem overly simple but it will help.

 

My final suggestion is to give up on trying to be or feel "normal"- I do not believe that such a thing even exists.

[JoeyBryant]

But being gay, single, and over 30 is like the kiss of death.lol. Seems like even if I do get my ass in shape most guys my age want someone younger, and younger guys want young guys!

 

 

Anyone who told you that is pretentious...Gay guys in their 40's are more often than not, established, attractive, and have great bodies. Who wouldn't want that?

 

Truth be told, I think 40 is the new 21. Yeah, I know I'm like 2 decades away, but I find them to be a split between sociable with younger guys and equally mature. I knew 1 such guy who was in good shape, and would wear a shirt saying "COLLEGE"...maybe a bit overboard for 40 something, but I thought it was cute LOL.

[Lankypeters]

Hiring and having relationships aren't exclusive activities. You can do both, and in some cases, one activity enriches the other. Think: flexibility.

 

That said, it does appear you could do more work on establishing relationships and hiring may be a way of postponing that.

[dapurplebear]

 

Just speaking for myself - not anyone else - I have found that a healthy way for me to think about escorts is - they are supplements not substitutes.

 

I totally agree - it is how it works for me -- I am in a great relationship and though have contemplated giving it up for something else - in the end, I could never be as totally happy as I am now... - though I enjoy the supplements...

[Guest Ca Robert]

Hiring escorts

 

For me, I grew up during the 1960s when homosexuality was a criminal act. I never got over the stigma and still suffer from internalized homophobia. As a teacher, living openly as a gay man was not an option. Escorts provide a valuable service, and you can get what you want generally. If you like muscular guys, you can hire one, or if you prefer twinks, there are plenty out there. It beats spending tons of money in gay bars or endless hours online on dating sites.

 

By the way, at 55, I never thought I'd live to see the advances we've made since the early 70s.

[+ Charlie]

First, the most positive thing is that you are asking yourself and others some good questions.

 

Second, I am going to go against the grain of some of the advice here. Escorts work on their bodies because that is the product they are selling: their appearance. If you focus mostly on "getting yourself in shape" physically, you are misdirecting your energy, because then you are trying to sell a product, not find someone who loves you for yourself. If you work out because it makes you feel healthier, you are doing it for yourself, but if you do it because you think someone will find you more attractive, you are playing a losing game in the long run. Someone who is attracted to you for your looks will eventually lose interest; someone who is attracted to you because of your character will give you the "genuine affection" you say you want. Figuring out what your real character strengths and values are, and working to enhance them, is a much better investment than a gym membership. There is nothing more attractive to someone whose love is worth having than integrity. And the same goes in the other direction: if you are only attracted to other men's images, then you will not be able to give genuine affection either. Of course, we are all sexually attracted to great-looking men, which is a good reason to hire escorts, but if we carry over that same commercial model into our emotional lives, we are bound to feel diminished and dissatisfied. Keep hiring escorts, if you can afford it and it gives you temporary pleasure, but don't put that activity at the center of your emotional life. Don't beat yourself up for being attracted to some culturally determined "hot guy," and don't beat yourself up for not being that "hot guy" yourself. Try to determine whether the things about yourself that make you unhappy are really defects, or only superficial judgments that others have imposed on you.

 

Finally, sexual excitement and love can be combined, but they don't have to be, and they rarely are for any extended period. You are more likely to find a satisfyingly deep relationship with someone you respect and who respects you, than with someone who gives you an instant hard-on.

[cynicalflannelwearer]

First, the most positive thing is that you are asking yourself and others some good questions.

 

Second, I am going to go against the grain of some of the advice here. Escorts work on their bodies because that is the product they are selling: their appearance. If you focus mostly on "getting yourself in shape" physically, you are misdirecting your energy, because then you are trying to sell a product, not find someone who loves you for yourself. If you work out because it makes you feel healthier, you are doing it for yourself, but if you do it because you think someone will find you more attractive, you are playing a losing game in the long run. Someone who is attracted to you for your looks will eventually lose interest; someone who is attracted to you because of your character will give you the "genuine affection" you say you want. Figuring out what your real character strengths and values are, and working to enhance them, is a much better investment than a gym membership. There is nothing more attractive to someone whose love is worth having than integrity. And the same goes in the other direction: if you are only attracted to other men's images, then you will not be able to give genuine affection either. Of course, we are all sexually attracted to great-looking men, which is a good reason to hire escorts, but if we carry over that same commercial model into our emotional lives, we are bound to feel diminished and dissatisfied. Keep hiring escorts, if you can afford it and it gives you temporary pleasure, but don't put that activity at the center of your emotional life. Don't beat yourself up for being attracted to some culturally determined "hot guy," and don't beat yourself up for not being that "hot guy" yourself. Try to determine whether the things about yourself that make you unhappy are really defects, or only superficial judgments that others have imposed on you.

 

Finally, sexual excitement and love can be combined, but they don't have to be, and they rarely are for any extended period. You are more likely to find a satisfyingly deep relationship with someone you respect and who respects you, than with someone who gives you an instant hard-on.

 

Thank you for that wonderful advice.

 

How true though, the guy that I fell for did give me an instant hard on LOL how easy it is to confuse lust for love,so typical for us guys, gay or straight, young or old.