Thank you from a lurker!

[playwrestler]

A few months ago I found this site and started reading all the posts and marveling at this wonderful community of polar opposites and everything in between. At an earlier time in my life it would have left me suicidal - just being honest - and now it fills me with joy. After years of therapy and dedicated searching of medical literature, the internet has finally yielded some practical information on my ongoing sexual disfunctions... information but no cure.

 

I started masturbating around four years old in the prone position (lying on my stomach) with my penis pushed down while rubbing the top of the shaft to orgasm in a flaccid state. Nobody ever explained that this was the wrong technique. When I started getting erections (around eight) I was told this meant my penis was full and that I had to pee. This (unfortunately) made sense since it was usually early morning upon waking and my full bladder was indeed causing an erection... and, after peeing, my erection would go down. Eventually the connection was made and every time I had to pee I would get an erection which seemed normal to me... and after all who doesn't trust their dad at eight years old. Being in a military family with multiple moves was exacerbated by being the strange "new" kid who blatantly walked around with erections and I never made any peer connections who might have steered me onto some correct definitions, etc. etc. This persisted until I was seventeen when I, quite by accident, stumbled upon all the sexual info I was desperately in need of. It was the literal definition of "the penny dropped" and I was overwhelmed by my own stupidity and naivete. I shut myself away in my room for an entire weekend and refused to come out while I grappled with all the myriad implications. I was never going to get married! Up until this point I actually thought I was developing normally! I thought - and was told! - that it was simply a matter of getting married to the girl of your choice, setting up house and cohabiting - and that if God wanted you to have children, he'd send them by making your wife pregnant! I had no idea that what I was doing with my penis was called masturbation... all I knew was that anything to do with the penis was to be kept private and never, NEVER, talked about. I thought my fantasies of wrestling with guys (I loved TV wrestling shows) were what all guys thought of while playing with their penises. And so I finally came to realize what masturbation and my fantasies actually signified. And also how I had "trained" myself into a totally disfunctional sexual response. I realized I was gay, that I had an enormous sexual apetite (I masturbated a LOT <g>), and absolutely no way of fulfilling it, and that few if any guys would be interested in someone unable to function. And so I embarked on a journey (with the help of two incredible men in my life) for the past forty-two years (yep, 58!) and I have made some progress. I can now keep an erection as long as I keep my intent on foreplay. It has to be with someone I know and trust completely and is fully informed so that they don't blame themselves. Any intent or thought towards orgasm or ejaculation on my part results in a gradual loss of tumescence. I am good at satisfying my partner and take time to reassure him that my lack of reciprocal response is in no way due to him. Needless to say from seventeen on I have never masturbated in the prone position again. I have been able to achieve ejaculation and orgasm through a sort of semi-erect masturbatory technique if my partner works on my nipples and I am allowed to "go away" by sinking into a self-hypnotic state where I conjure up childhood "wrestling" fantasies... nothing else has ever been able to work. Throughout most of my college years - years of raging libido - I was despondent and at times suicidal. I have finally reached a place where I can celebrate my brothers, even if I can't join you. You all always seemed to me to be beings of light with incredible urges capable of exhilarating satisfaction. You still do, but through dialogues like this board you have all become real men in so many wonderful ways. I'm happy I no longer envy you... I'm just glad that you're here.

[Guest greatness]

welcome here

 

I hope you share your life here and enjoy a good fellowship with us.

[doitb4ugo]

I second that

 

Welcome. I am a newbie here too and find the people here to be a terrific group (eclectic as well). We all have our stories and pasts. Do not feel you are alone in that.

[+ Charlie]

Where sex is concerned, we all have issues that make us uncomfortable and that, for the most part, we are not willing to talk about. In over 3000 posts, I have revealed some outrageous things about my private life, but there are things I have never talked about, and never will. You have been unusually forthcoming about yours, and I hope everyone here respects that. Welcome to the MB!

[Guest TBinCHI]

I agree - welcome to the forum. It is a strange and sometimes wondrous place. Good for you that you have found a way to be content and to move towards happiness. We all come from various places of dysfunction and the trick is to do just as you've done. Come to terms with it, work around it if necessary, and find a way to be happy. I look forward to more contributions from you.

[NYTomcat]

I echo my fellow brethren. You are very welcome here. A man who knows his own body and his own sexuality is really a great asset to our crew. This coming from someone just coming to realization. We especially love posters and members with the ability to share his journey as you just have. BRAVO.

[justaguy]

Welcome to the neighborhood! As you seem to have figured out, this place has enough collective experience with such a wide variety of issues that yours should feel right at home. If my own experience says anything, just being able to talk about these things helps a lot.

[uwsman2]

with the right guy...

 

Welcome. Everybody can use a mentor to help them learn how to enjoy sex. It doesn't necessarily come naturally. I was very lucky that during my "coming out" years (early 20s) I stumbled into a brief relationship with a slightly older man (mid-30s, very youthful at that time) who was my "teacher" for a few months. He taught me how to give head skillfully, and how to get fucked, which I had found impossible the few times before I met him. One can easily develop phobias or become conditioned in such a way that consummating the sex act is psychologically difficult. Indeed, he turned me into a confirmed bottom, which I continue to be more than 30 years later, and tend to lose my hard-on if I try to fuck somebody.

Although our "affair" was brief, we remained in touch and saw each other sporadically over the years (we were in different cities so it was really infrequent), until he died a few years ago - which I only found out about when a friend of his was good enough to go through his email list and notify everybody that Roy had passed on.

But I think at any age one might encounter that special person who can be simultaneously a lover and teacher - even at your (our, actually) age. So don't despair. It may even be the right escort who can do it for you.