When I knew ...

[Greathands]

I don't want to hijack Seaboy's thread about advice for his friend's son, so I'll start a new thread.

 

A few posters were commenting on when a person can "know" that he/she is gay.

 

Though most of the teachers in my elementary school were older, gray haired women, there were two new young teachers. My new 5th grade teacher was a just out of college young women and the 6th grade teacher (a hunky young guy) was probably out of college for 3 or 4 years.

 

I distinctly remember my friends always making comments about our "hot" teacher, but all I knew is that I couldn't wait to get into 6th grade with Mr. Smith! I was years away from puberty, but I knew I had a lot more feelings for Mr. Smith than I did for Mrs. What's-her-name!

 

On another note, here is a story I often share with friends who ask when I knew I was gay. (sorry, but this is gonna be a long post.)

 

From the best of my recollection, I must have been at least 5 years old when I first started having "the dream". To be honest, I can't honestly say I remember what the dream was about. What I do remember is that every time I had the dream, I would wake up in a cold sweat and a state of panic. I vividly remember one of these occasions, waking up on the old couch in our "sitting room" where we watched TV as young children. My father was sitting in his recliner and my mother was sitting on the other end of the couch. This is why I can assume I was around 5 when the dream started, because my father was still alive (he died when I was 6) and we were still living in the apartment. We moved into a different apartment after his death.

 

As I said, I'm not sure I remember what the dream was about. I can kind of "paint the picture" for you ... but I'm not sure if it's the actual dream or just a way that I've been able to put it into words. It's something like this ....

 

Our family always had an artificial Christmas tree for the holidays, which was always placed in the "living room" of our Washington Avenue apartment. For whatever reason, in my dream the Christmas tree is in my bedroom. The basic "point" of the dream is that I have about 4 seconds to take the tree apart, limb by limb, and then rebuild it in the living room where it belongs. Of course, I can never do it ... I run out of time ... and this is when I wake up in the cold sweat and in the state of panic.

 

I had this dream somewhat regularly as a child. It wasn't unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night from this dream, soaked in sweat, then go and climb into bed with my parents.

 

These dreams continued throughout my childhood. And somewhere along the line, I stopped talking about the dream and just dealt with the sweats and panic.

 

The dream continued through my adolescent and teen years. And it continued through my college years as well. It's not fun waking up in a panic and soaked in sweat when you're in a room with your college roommate!

 

About the same time ... well, my junior and senior years in college to be exact ... I finally came to terms with my sexuality. As I tell my friends, I always knew I was gay. But for whatever reason, it never occurred to me that my life was going to be different than everyone else. I also had the dream of getting married, having children, the house with the white picket fence, etc. But in my own "light bulb moment", I realized that my life held a different future.

 

On one very brave day, I came out of the closet to a good friend and admitted that I was gay. There are no words to describe the sense of relief that I experienced. Talk about having a weight lifted from one's shoulders. It was unbelievably freeing. So freeing that I began to share my "secret" with several of my close friends over the next few days.

 

The last thing on my mind was "the dream".

 

Yet is was just a matter of days later that the dream was back. But this time it was different!

 

Again, I'm not sure if my analogy of the artificial Christmas tree is an accurate description of the dream itself, or if it is simply a way that I've found of expressing the dream to others. But this time ... I finally did it. I accomplished the task of disassembling and reassembling the tree in the short time period. And once I did achieve the task, there was a huge celebration.

 

That was the last time I had the dream. The reoccurring dream that had begun in the late 1960's came to an end in the mid 1980's.

 

I cannot help but think that there is something more to what some may think of as a silly dream. The first realization that I was somehow different began sometime in the late 1960's. Though it took a few years before I realized I was attracted to other boys, I knew there was something different about me ... and something "unnatural" about other people. Is it a coincidence then, that in the mid 1980's when I would finally accept and acknowledge to others for the first time that I was gay, that my "dream" would come to an end??? I think not.

 

Say what you want ... but as for myself, there is no defying the fact that I have always been gay ... even before I even had a clue what it meant!

[AdamSmith]

Very moving. Parallels my experience, wrt time/age. In 5th grade (age 10), beautiful white boy, blond but tanned beyond experience, moved into my class (central N.C.) from Puerto Rico. First erotic stirring I ever felt. Unmistakeable, and year-long. No idea what to do with/about it. But there, then, it was.

[+ Lucky]

Great topic. For me, coming out was a real problem. I remember always wanting the handsomest boy in the class to be my friend, and usually succeeding, but I didn't know why. I remember my 7 year old friend re-buckling his belt and that stirred something in me that I liked- I just didn't know what it was.

But I was brought up with the expectation that I was straight; being gay was never considered. The gays that I knew were the more obvious ones, frankly the more effeminate people. Since I was not effeminate, I thought that I could not be gay. Of course, I was completely wrong, but it took many long years to learn that. When I finally went to a gay bar I was so thrilled to see all of these handsome, masculine guys.

Even if being more effeminate made it easier to realize that one was gay, no doubt it was hard as there is a lot of prejudice against such men. They really have a lot of courage and took the battle for gay rights up long before those of us living safer lives. Stonewall might never have happened if left to those who could more easily "pass" for straight.

[+ Charlie]

I had my first hard-on at 5, and from about that age onward, I masturbated, but I don't remember what I thought about, if anything, when I did so. However, at about 12, I realized that I got horny and wanted to jerk off when I was stimulated by the presence of physically attractive and more mature high school classmates, especially Ricky Hill, who already had a light coating of black hair on his well-shaped freckled arms, chest and legs. The summer I was 13, I stayed for a few weeks with my grandmother, who had a large framed photo of a friend's handsome son, in his early 20s, and I found myself fantasizing about being held by him as I jerked off. My grandmother also had some "trashy" paperbacks, including a novel by Raymond Chandler, in which one of the characters is homosexual. When I read the book, I connected my understanding of the character with my feelings about the guy in the photo, and finally put it together that I was gay. However, I didn't actually have sex with another gay male until I was 17, and after that, there was no doubt left in my mind.

[josephga]

I was in my early 20's when I knew. But I wasn't with a guy for the first time until I was 31 years old and that lasted with him for a little over a year

[Greathands]

Charlie's post reminded me of an event that makes me laugh looking back. I was probably 6 or 7 years old, laying on my stomach on the floor watching pro-wrestling on TV on a Saturday morning. I turned around to my mother and said, "Mommy, why is my peepee getting hard?"

 

I wish I knew what she was thinking when I asked that question!

[Guest greatness]

aww

 

lol so cute. I would have said if I had been her " Please don't lie on your stomach sweetheart"

 

 

"Mommy, why is my peepee getting hard?"

[Guest LatinoRican]

When I Knew: The Book

 

At first glance, I thought this thread was about the book, "When I Knew." I received it as a gift from one of my nieces several years ago. It is a series of short narrations by 118 gays and lesbians about when they came to realize their sexual orientation. Steve Kmetko and BD Wong, among others, write about their experiences. It is not the most fantastic book in the world, but it has both funny and poignant moments.

[Greathands]

That was in my mind when I started this thread. I have a copy of the book laying out on my coffeetable for friends and other visitors to leaf thru. Some of the stories are very poignant and others are hilarious.

 

I can't remember whose it was, but one of my favorites went something like this: "I knew I was gay when I was born. I looked up at the doctor and said 'I'm never going up one of those again.'"

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Say what you want ... but as for myself, there is no defying the fact that I have always been gay ... even before I even had a clue what it meant!

 

Interesting post, Greathands.

 

With your statement above, I totally agree. I learned very early on (4 or 5 years old) to mask all kinds of "inappropriate" behaviours based on the negative reactions expressed. But I can clearly remember feeling "tingles" (down there!) whenever I watched Tarzan when Ron Ely played him on TV in 1966-68, so I would have been 8 years old.

 

 

http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/RonEly1.jpg

[seaboy4hire]

Interesting post, Greathands.

 

With your statement above, I totally agree. I learned very early on (4 or 5 years old) to mask all kinds of "inappropriate" behaviours based on the negative reactions expressed. But I can clearly remember feeling "tingles" (down there!) whenever I watched Tarzan when Ron Ely played him on TV in 1966-68, so I would have been 8 years old.[/size][/color][/b]

 

 

http://i965.photobucket.com/albums/ae139/DuchessIvanaKizznhugg/RonEly1.jpg

 

He gives me tingles (down there!) and I am 33. He was a handsome man.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[seaboy4hire]

Great that was a great story and thanks for sharing with us. I wouldn't have been and I don't think anyone else would have been either had you posted your story on my thread.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[Guest Hottiewithabody]

I hate to sound cliche but I figured it out when I started playing sports..being in the lockerroom at my highschool was my favorite part of the day:)

[+ Italiano]

At first glance, I thought this thread was about the book, "When I Knew." I received it as a gift from one of my nieces several years ago. It is a series of short narrations by 118 gays and lesbians about when they came to realize their sexual orientation. Steve Kmetko and BD Wong, among others, write about their experiences. It is not the most fantastic book in the world, but it has both funny and poignant moments.

 

I have and like that book!