Review noir

[Kevin Slater]

I wrote the following humorous review and was going to try to submit it for some made-up escort, but didn't want to abuse the time and effort Daddy puts into running the site, so I decided to post it here instead. Hope you enjoy.

 

He called me on one of those days lost between Christmas and New Years when it's a crap shoot if you can get anything done and cold enough to make you not care. Perhaps he knew I'd given him a lot of though since we last met. Perhaps he knew the holidays had kicked me around like a tin can on one of those streets the Irish kids never seem to grow up in. Or maybe rent was just due.

 

He played it slick. "Hey I'm headed into the City and wonder if you wanted to meet up." Didn't seem to me that I knew he had left the City. I let it pass.

 

"I'd like nothing better."

 

"Can you host?" he asked. I didn't like this change of pattern, sort of like a fat lady wearing a striped hoodie atop paisley sweatpants.

 

"What's wrong with your place?" I asked.

 

"Don't live there anymore." He spun some yarn about having moved to one of those burbs that was far too small to work in, at least if your work was in a profession as old as his. He asked if I could host. That went over like a Soviet athlete at the LA Olympics. Trouble was my building has one of those doormen who knew your fly was down even if you were wearing a trench and carrying a manila folder in front like a grade school kid with a hard-on.

 

"No can do. But I'd really hate to miss you."

 

He said he has a buddy who can make himself scarce for a few hours, that we could use his place for an extra C note. I wondered if he knew just how much he could play me. So far I felt like a Scrabble set at the old folks' home, right down to the missing Ps and Qs.

 

His associate lived in that neighborhood that had long-ago gone gay and was now going straight like a pubic hair in Jheri curl. It would do just fine.

 

I don't know if it was planned but we ran into the friend as we went in. Then Jack starts giving me the hard press to include this guy in our fun. It didn't get to prices. Jack mentioned the guy was of mixed ethnicity. If so, it was a mix of Asian and oriental. My taste in guys is just like conjoined twins in a three-legged fun run: you have to pick the right race. Seeing no profit in it, the guy splits.

 

The door clicking shut behind us, we fell into our old routine. A comfortable routine. Like Sunday supper after church: you know what you're getting and you're full of the spirit. We had fun. Or maybe just I did. He said he did too, but he never managed to look you in the eyes while he said it. He got a triplet of Franklins out of it in any case. I lit two cigarettes and tried to hand him one. He didn't take it.

 

"I quit" he said. He'd quit a lot of things including college, New York City and I was afraid he would eventually quit providing mercies to guys like me. Guys who liked to be in love for an afternoon, or just loved being liked on occasion. But until he does, I highly recommend him.

 

 

Kevin Slater

[rvwnsd]

Details, details

 

I think the review needs more detail. What is the escort's length and girth? In nanometers? What was the exact exact quantity of the cumshots, both client and escort? Thick cum or runny cum? What EXACTLY went on? Deep-throating down to the base or a little suction on the head? Piston-fucking or "boyfriend experience?" Did he kiss? How could you hire a guy who doesn't kiss!? Were the fat lady's sweatpants a "Ralph Lauren tie from back-in-the-day" paisley or "Kohl's 20% off sale tie and we throw in the matching microfiber shirt just to get the goddam thing off the rack" paisley? Did Sunday supper come with potatoes or rice? Was the main course chicken or beef? What about the side dishes? Lord, man...give us some useful information.

 

Seriously, it made me laugh out loud.

[+ purplekow]

You've read too many Mickey Spillane novels. Entertaining but not very informative about the escort. You might have said something about his looks (when I saw his angular visage, I knew how RinTinTin felt when he met the dog faced boy) or his body (his ass was tighter than an old drunk on New Year's Eve) his deep blue, almond-shaped eyes and dark latin skin were the sine qua non of non-sequitars. I would be interested in reading more reviews. Please keep hiring and telling us about it.

[Lookin]

We had fun. Or maybe just I did. He said he did too, but he never managed to look you in the eyes while he said it. He got a triplet of Franklins out of it in any case. I lit two cigarettes and tried to hand him one. He didn't take it.

 

http://www.popstarsplus.com/images/HumphreyBogartPicture.jpg

[zeferrelli]

I liked it Slater. Does sound a little "Spillanesque".

[best hotel]

...thanks for posting that, kevin