Closet Life- An Invitation to a Discussion

[Guest Studpony]

Hi, Boston Guy, your response to this Gentlemen is excellent. As I stated in my previous post, I am Gay and in the closet. I know how this feels. I also encourage you to make Gay friends and talk to them. It is difficult if not impossible to meet other Gays in the closet, because frankly, how will you know their orientation unless they tell you. That's were this site and others can be helpfull, where you can maitain privacy.

 

I know exactly what you are going through and I wish you all the best.

 

Take Care, Studpony

[Rick Munroe]

As Cher once said: [h3]"This is your LIFE...not a dress rehearsal."[/h3] Words to live by!

[Boston Guy]

You understand the choices you've made and seem comfortable with them. It doesn't sound like you're looking for advice and I won't offer any. I am glad, though, that you've started posting here because even an online community can offer support to gay people who are otherwise somewhat isolated from the gay community.

 

I did want to address just one thing, though, and that's the effect coming out can have on our professional lives.

 

I've had my own business for many years and work with customers around the US and Canada. Many are in large urban areas but others are in small, quite religious communities.

 

In the course of being with them, sometimes for days in a row, we naturally end up discussing our families and lives. I don't lie, don't make up stories and do tell them about some of the things I do. My sexuality just doesn't enter into the picture and neither does theirs, except in terms of wives and husbands and kids.

 

I've become pretty good friends with some of these people and actually have come out to a few of them, inevitably with great result. But I've chosen how and when to do that carefully, feeling that our sexuality just shouldn't be part of business. So, when I've come out to a customer, it's been in the context of a social event with that customer and only with someone I've grown fond of.

 

I did come out once to a woman who was only a prospect, at a conference. I really wanted to close the business she represented and was at a party with here quite late one night. She had had a few drinks but wasn't drunk and started accusing a few of us guys of being sexist. Eventually, she started zeroing in on me, to my annoyance and for no good reason that I could see.

 

Finally, after a half hour of this, I took her aside and said "I wanted your business and I still do. But I'm gay, I've been the victim of discrimination in my life like all gay people, I think discrimination against anyone is wrong and just plain stupid, and if you have to view your vendors as stereotypical men out to screw women then we're not going to be happy working together."

 

She blinked a few times, smiled and said "my husband and I have a very close friend who's gay and lives in Florida. I think you'd make a great couple. Should I introduce you?"

 

I almost fell over. Needless to say, I didn't accept the invitation. And needless to say, I got the business. :-)

 

So just never know.

 

BG

[Guest soccerstud]

Everett: Man, does your description ever sound familiar. Right down to the fascination/jealousy of watching 2 men holding hands and being in love. I've recently gone through all the soul-searching you're in the process of, and have come out to my family and a few others. (I'm considerably older than you.)

Best advice I could give: (1) Formulate your goal(s), but don't put yourself on a strict timetable. (2) DO get a gay support system. Dedicate yourself to taking time each week to venture out in gay surroundings (including a gay and lesbian center and its support groups). Think about seeing a shrink who has extensive background dealing with gay men and, particularly, coming out issues. (This has been a real help to me.) If he's good, he won't direct you, but will simply talk, guide and answer questions. He can possibly get you in contact with local gay support groups. (3) From your writings, it sounds like you are a bright, personable and probably self-confident man, probably doing farily well in your law profession. Does your law firm have gay partners/associates? Would it make a professional difference? Are you in a position to venture to a different firm? If necessary, scary, but maybe much more fulfilling in the overall sense.

(4) Go to Philly where, presumably, you won't be outed and take in the feelings of meeting other gay men, eating dinner with a new gay friend, and just being public. It helps to build your confidence. Overall, ultimately be true to yourself, whatever that may entail.

And be a part of this Message Center. It's amazing how it will help in your process and how you may feel a part of this segment of the gay community. And--other than somne of the vitriolic bullshit--it really will help you to think through gay-related issues of all sorts. Mostly--GOOD LUCK.

[+ Lucky]

When I started this thread I stated: "I used to be a closet case." As the different thoughts have come in, I realize that in some aspects of life, I am still a closet case. There are just certain things I let some people know, other things that I let other people know.

So, I am trying in some respects to control the information I present about myself, and that is just the same as the guys who aren't totally "out of the gay closet."

I casually mentioned in a thread with Mike in San Diego that I was HIV poz. I don't make a point of letting everybody know that.

I don't tell everybody that I used "...." (keep guessing, Rod).

So, the lesson I am learning, is not to make judgments about gay people who don't come "all the way out." Live evolves as it does. I thank those of you who have helped me with these thoughts, and those of you who made this thread such an intriguing, and civilized, one.

[Godiva]

We thank you for a thought provoking civilized thread..definately one of the best...

 

 

G

[Guest Everett]

Thanks for your responses. These thought-provoking postings have provided me with some helpful suggestions. I know I'm not the only one who deals with these issues from time to time. It's reassuring to read your thoughts and opinions on this and to find out how others have come to terms with this aspect of life.

 

Now I have some better direction of how I can proceed. Certainly the consensus is that I need to move beyond the people I know and develop another support system, and I’d agree. Your responses are the beginning of that process.

 

I truly appreciate the collective experiences, advice and wisdom you’ve shared, and no doubt what you’ve written has helped others as well.

[Boston Guy]

As TY said, Lucky made me do it.

 

Actually, while responding to the "I don't want to destroy this friendship" thread, I remembered Everett's questions in this one. Perhaps some of the discussion here will be helpful to Jarrodbui (the author of that other thread) or others.

 

BG