Married With Children ....... How the Hell Do You Do IT.....

[Godiva]

As I read some of the reviews I noticed alot of Clients are Married W/ Children...Wow..I have a bunch of questions to ask..Choose some or all..But How Do You Do It...Is it fun or is it stressful. Have your worlds ever collided. Does your wife know..Do your kids know..Are you leading a double life..When do you make time for your escort romps, when you have to work and provide for a family..Any escorts out there married..How do you do it....Do you sleep with your wife and escorts..I realize some of these questions are private but we are all ingcognito here so spill the beans. I ask these questions because I might be you in 1yr... Hellllllllllllllllp.. I was on the train today lookin pretty hot I should say:9, and some guy with his daughter was cruzing me big time. It made me think how does he do it..I do not want this to turn into some morality issue..whether its right or wrong.. I really don't care....I just want to know .......

 

 

[h3] How Do You Do It.....[h/3]

[mmk]

I am not an escort nor do I play one on TV but nor am I married (I knew I was gay since I was a teenager so I have never had an experience with a woman-I just can't picture going down there) but I met this guy in 1992 I have been meeting up with him abuot every 6 to eight weeks since then. In the past 8 1/2 years , he has gotten engaged, married and his two children. Alot of time he will call me to see if I am available to get together. If I am home and available then he comes on over for about an hour. If not then he tries another time. Trust me, I do not sit around and wait for him to call but if he does and I am available then I can have a good time. I do not have his number-and I do not want it- but I do know stuff about his life and after we are thru, he will stick around and talk. Basically, how men do it when they are married with children is that, come hell or highwater, they will definately find a way. They will make the time. Even though I have no experience with a woman in a relationship, like many gay men, I am a very good friend to many and they will open up to a gay man more than they will a family member and sometimes their spouse(After all, only a gay man could agree what pigs men can be) so trust me when I say, even if it is staring at them right in their face, a woman will not suspect anything and if blatantly faced with it, will make excuses and try to deny it. (Now before I get any negative response to this, not all women are that dense. Some do have savvy when it comes to this)

[Godiva]

Wow MMk... thanxs for the honesty...Do you think his wife knows and just tolerates it or she has no clue...

[CT Dick]

I have a friend in the same situation (we are social friends, not sexual). His wife doesn't want to know. Her life is fine and she doesn't want to rock the boat. Fortunately, there are no kids.

 

Dick

[mmk]

I truly do not know if his wife suspects. I know from what he has said they are somewhat sexually experimental and at one point he asked me if I would do a three with him and his wife(who was just his girlfriend at the time.) I did say no. I have no idea what his wife looks like or what her name is. It is possible that she does suspect but just doesn't care.

[+ deej]

>Wow MMk... thanxs for the honesty...Do

>you think his wife knows

>and just tolerates it or

>she has no clue...

 

Sometimes they know. I have a friend here who lived in a small town in Indiana but had legitimate work-related reasons to spend a lot of time in Chicago, where he played.

 

He was closeted for a long time, until his two daughters (in their 20's) came to him and asked if he was gay. He's been divorced for 12 years, and his wife CERTAINLY knew as it was central in the divorce.

 

I have another acquaintance who recently came out to his wife at the age of 55. They've agreed that they are best friends and life-partners, so she just overlooks his .... "activities".

[NASAguy]

I have been (and still am) married for 27 years. I have a grown son age 25 who lives about 200 miles from us. I have always been gay but was so closet 27 years ago, I married because that was what was expected. I had no one to teach me about gay life being from a very small town. My wife and I had occasional sex during the first 3 years of our marriage (for me generally it was a chore which I performed, but I always fantasized about men). I am not proud of this. After the birth of our son, we stopped having sex. My wife made a little effort to rekindle that phase of our marriage a few years later but I really believe that sex for her was no big deal. You may find this hard to believe but over the years we have become great friends, we think alike and share a lot of interests and hobbies. In many ways, we are each other's "best friends". Our marriage is unique, sexless but stable.

During my early married years, I traveled a lot to San Diego for business and used to go to a gay cinema/bar/bathhouse there. That's where I got my first blowjob and introduction to gay sex. But business travel dried up about 10 years ago.

About 3 years ago I got a home computer and was introduced to Cybersex. I became hooked and became enamored of a model on Video Secrets. I went to Toronto on several occasions and we became very good friends with me staying at his apt when I visited. Sex became my passion. Without going into a lot of detail (too late you may be saying, lol) my wife found out about him through viewing some nude photos that I had taken. We had a long talk, she admitted that she always suspected I was gay and surprisingly accepted my new life style. I have since broken up with the guy in Toronto but am seeing escorts (mostly during limited business travel). She knows and does not complain so long as it is not too often (actually it is the cost that basically concerns her and not the sex). To put it bluntly, she is very much like the character of Debbie (Michael's mom) on QAF, both in personality and appearance.

I think I am very lucky having a stable, even loving home relationship but am still able to endulge my passion for gay sex. Many of the regular escorts I see are aware of this relationship and some have had very good conversations with my wife when she answers the phone when they call!

My son knows I have male friends that I visit. We have never discussed what goes on between us.

 

You asked, I told.

[Godiva]

Hey Nasaguy... thank you for your honesty..If you had to do it all over again would you have gotten married or would you have stayed single. Also what advice would you give to someone like me who is about to follow in your footsteps.

 

 

Godiva

[Guest Steve]

Not that I have done it, but I thought long and hard about the choice you are considering. The first thing I want to say is that it's never too late to make a huge mistake. I used to think that because getting married was what I was supposed to do, I still had expectations of taking a wife, even though I was heavily sexually active with men. At some point, I realized that I would be destroying not just my life, but another person who would be completely an innocent bystander. It's one thing if you're confused, but I wasn't and knew exactly what I was doing was wrong. I'm so happy I didn't do it.

[Guest WestTxGuy]

I'm one of those married guys who has hired escorts and has written a few reviews. It's something I'm very conflicted about. I love my wife, and we have a surprisingly strong relationship. We have younger children that I love dearly. If I ever had to choose between the family and the escorts, I would certainly pick the family. Now then, you ask, why do I risk all this to hire escorts?

 

I'm basically bi, but like most bi guys, I'm more attracted to men than women. (When I'm at the beach, I find my self staring more at the nice pecs than the nice boobs.) I love making love to my wife anytime she wants to, but unfortunately, that isn't very much. She is one of these women to whom sex means nothing. Believe me, I try to spice things up with romance, foreplay, etc. but she's just not interested (any never really has been). Beyond this she's a great wife and mother, and we're very good friends.

 

Sooo, I look for sexual action by hiring escorts. I do this because I can do it fairly anonymously, there are no strings attached, and I can afford it. I would never go to a local gay bar for fear of being seen by someone in the community, and I would never have sex with someone I met somewhere else (work, gym etc), because I would be afraid he would want to start a relationship. Escorts are great because you pay them for what they offer, and a big plus, you get to have sex with a lot better looking guy than you would probably otherwise have access to.

 

I haven't been hiring escorts for all that long, and I'm extremely careful. I always use cash, I don't use my real name, and I work hard to not leave any traces. My wife is completely computer illiterate, so I don't worry about her doing some search to detect what I do on the internet. But even so, I'm careful to clear histories and delete files on a regular basis. I usually meet escorts when I'm out of town on business, or if locally, sometime during the day (like lunch) when I can get away for a couple of hours without anyone wondering where I am.

 

Sorry this has gone on so long. Bottom line for me, I'm probably selfish to keep hiring escorts and I would be devastated if it all came to light, so if I ever start feeling like I'm being too risky or taking chances that will get me caught, I'll either quit or cut way back. But right now, I'm having a hell of a time....

[Guest Charon]

I am also married, though my situation is different. I got married after being out for more than a decade to the woman who I came to realize was the rock of my life.

 

It took me a while to wrap my head around the idea of marrying a woman after going to the pain of coming out, but I realized that I had just replaced one set of expectations for another.

 

What I wanted was someone who I loved madly to share the rest of my life with. Sex was secondary. So I married her (she's never been much into sex herself so didn't consider my not putting out a loss).

 

So now when I want two party sex, I hire a professional, and it works just fine for us and we're insanely happy.

 

Not your everyday recipe for gay bliss, but when you love someone so much you want to be with them the rest of your life, only a fool lets his libido veto it.

[NASAguy]

I have often asked myself the same question---if I had the choice would I have lived my life the same way. It is not an easy question to answer. I have had a very good life...my wife, son and I have done many, many wonderful things together, the memories of which I will treasure forever. But I have been very lucky too in having such an understanding and forgiving spouse, things could have turned out quite differently. I don't regret getting married, but if I had the choice knowing what I know now, I would not have done it. Throughout my entire life, the gay side of me was always there, always hurting. Only now that I have come out at least with my wife do I feel anything approaching wholeness. Our sexual side is too powerful to surpress. You can not be completely happy without acknowledging that side of you.

[Guest Joey Ciccone]

RE: Married With Bliss

 

>What I wanted was someone who I loved madly to share the rest of my life with....Not your everyday recipe for gay bliss, but when you love someone so much you want to be with them the rest of your life, only a fool lets his libido veto it.<

 

Wow. What an amazing story. Inspirational. Thanks C.

[Godiva]

RE: Married With Bliss

 

Hey WestTxGuy and Charon...It took me a hole day to take in what you both shared in your post. Wow.....I have a question.. I posed the same question to Nasaguy..Knowing what you do now and the the life you have lived, would you do it all over again. Would you still straddle two worlds..I have more but I will save them for later. Your wisdom is greatly appreciated here.

 

Talk as long as you want...There is no limit on wisdom...

Godiva

[mmk]

RE: Married With Bliss

 

Godiva, Once again I am going to be brutally honest (I think you can handle it)I can honestly say that I have met a girl who I do believe, if I was straight, I would have been married to or at least had a very serious relationship with. Now the men who responded I noticed all have children and from what I have been told by any of my gay friends who have children is that the love you feel for and from a child is indescribable. I have never had the desire to have children so maybe I am missing out on something that is indescribable, I do not know. If you feel you can handle a "secret lifestyle" while married and handle it, then you should go for it. I know that there is no way I could ever do it but that is just me. If it isn't so much a wife you want but a child, there are many ways to have a child without involving marriage. Your third option would be to find a very open bisexual woman who would not have a problem with your lifestyle choice. And finally, your fourth option is that you are just genuinely "gay curious(there are many gay men who would blast me for saying this)" and after some experiences, you will realize that you are not gay and you just got it out of your system. Many men and women do experiment with gay sex but then realize they are not gay(why do I think that I will get slammed for this-oh well). Just remember that if you do decide on marriage and go out and fool around with a stranger (now that is not any kind of insinuation about any of the escorts who have their pictures and stats posted on the website and I hope that people do not take it that way at all) that you might meet out of town, in a porno theatre(where many married men will go to get a "quick fix" of a gay sexual encounter) or wherever, you do run the risk of taking whatever home to your wife and is that really fair to her. Then again, in gay relationships when a guy will go fool around on his partner, the same thing can happen too. However, I do know many gay couples who even though they are devoted to each other, they do seek others out for sex and are very open about it. I guess the sexual freedom so to speak is an advantage of being openly gay. (now I do realize that there are many monogamous gay men out there, but the number of ones who do fool around on there boyfriend, partner, lover, etc far outweigh the monogamous ones.) Whatever you do choose Godiva, I sincerely do wish you the best of luck in whatever decision that you might make.

[Guest WestTxGuy]

RE: Married With Bliss

 

Godiva

 

I would definitely get married again. I love my wife and kids way too much to miss out on that. I see the escort hiring as scratching an itch I have from time to time (2 to 3 times per month on average) and truly secondary to the joy I get from the other parts of my life. I know that everyone is different and has different needs, but at this point in my life (I'm 39) I'm happy with my life. I guess I wish I didn't feel this need to be with guys, but it IS a lot of fun, and my married sex is just not fulfilling. Who knows, maybe someday in the distant future I'll go berserk and explode from suppressed sexual frustration. But it really doesn't feel that way to me. There have been periods in my adult life when I've gone months or even years without having sex with guys. It just seems to depend what I'm preoccupied with at any given time.

 

I know a lot of guys on this board can't relate, but I guess I'm too traditional at heart to want to miss out on the whole hetero/married/family life thing. All of my friends are hetero (as far as I know -- they would say the same about me) and I have a great time with them. I've never had any sort of real relationship with a guy, so maybe I just don't know what I'm missing out on, but I like my life and my friends a great deal. Like I said, it's disturbing to have this double life going on (literally no one in my hetero world knows what I do), but I'm just trying to be careful to keep everything separate (or compartmentalized, to use a Clintonian phrase). And part of being careful is making sure that the male escort-hiring side of my life doesn't take an inordinate amount of my time and day-to-day thoughts. I don't ever want to get to the point that I'm obsessing so much about my next tryst that my work or family starts to suffer.

 

I'm sure people would criticize me for being so dishonest with my family and friends, but to me it's the only way. I may be a hypocrite, but I think I'm a sensitive, loving husband and father. And I guess I rationalize things by saying I'm just doing something to add some pleasure to my life that shouldn't hurt anyone else (as long as I don't get caught of course). As I said in my previous post, I have no desire to get into an emotional relationship with another man, which is why hiring escorts is so great. In fact, I would be very uncomfortable if an escort relationship was ever anything other than professional. I'm really just in it for the hot bods and hard cocks! If this ever does come out(I have an immense fear of getting busted in a escort sting, for example) it will royally suck--so that's why I'm trying to be ultra careful.

 

Hope this helps, but as you know, we're all so different that it's hard to say if anyone can relate to my priorities and psychological make-up. Anyway, thanks for the therapy session.

[Guest Charon]

RE: Married With Bliss

 

I would absolutely marry her again in a minute.

 

I came out at about 18 in in the early 80s at an ivy league school in upstate NY (that one). I don't think I carried particularly more baggage than others, but it was a hard and painful process, but I got over it and got comfortable with the whole idea of being queer.

 

For the next decade and a half I sought in vain for mr. right while my current wife and I became closer and closer friends. She and I met freshman week at school playing D&D.

 

All through these years as I sought mr. right, drank too much, smoked, and got therapy, she was there (though we lived a 4 hour drive apart).

 

I never managed a serious gay relationship for whatever reason (I suspect that what I desire sexually and what I desire in a relationship aren't exactly aligned).

 

Finally in my early 30s I realized that I was pissing away too much of my life, got sober and decided that I needed to be with my best friend, not 4 hours away. After that worked itself out, We were driving around one day when I realized she didn't have health insurance. The "argument" that followed ended up with her asking me "Are you proposing to me?!" to which I replied "Yes, I guess I am."

 

It was brutally hard to come full circle as a gay man and consider that the emotional relationship that had everything I wanted except a hot top was staring me in the face. With a woman. But, was I really going to ignore 99% perfection in pursuit of perfection?

 

The last 6 years have been the happiest of my life.

 

Unlike others, my wife and I walked in with a clear understanding that I was gay and would occasionally wander off. There is none of the lack of truth that I think can poison so many other marriages. (No judgement of others choices intended, this is a hard thing for all concerned.) We agreed that should I find "mr. right" we'd just try to work it out, and that love and commitment would see us through.

 

So far it has, and I have found that I have little interest in seeking mr. right, because I have mrs. right-for-me.

 

Hurrah for porno tapes and escorts!

[Guest Charon]

RE: Thank you for the insight...

 

If you think coming out to your family is hard, try telling them, "I'm still gay, but I'm marrying a woman!"

 

Yes, the family knows, as do our friends. After a short surprise most friends just said, "heh. cool."

[Will]

I'd like to ask NASAGuy, Charon, and WstTxGuy a few hypothetical questions relative to Godiva's. As you'll see, they're variations on his and I'd be very much interested in your thoughts. Thanks in advance!

 

First, if your wife made it a condition of your marriage that you never have sex with another man, what would be your response to her, and your subsequent response in action?

 

Second, is your devotion to marriage and family gender-specific? That is, is it necessary that your partner be a woman, and that your children be natural children of that union?

 

Third, if you had first met and fallen in love with a man with whom you had established a stable relationship (with children), would you still seek the sexual company of women outside your relationship with the man?

 

Fourth, if you should find yourself "in flagrante delictu" with both your wife and your male lover (one walks in while you are with the other), who do you think would be least hurt: you, your wife, or your lover?

 

Fifth, have you ever begun to realize that you and another man were really seriously falling in love with each other, and that you had to terminate that relationship in order to save your marriage? Of the three adults involved -- you, your wife, and your lover -- who paid the biggest price for your decision?

[NASAguy]

Will-

I'll give it a try to answer your questions as well as I can.

Even though I think I would not have married (a woman, that is) if I had it all to do over and with the knowledge and confidence that I now have, under no circumstances would I want to terminate or otherwise jeapordize the relationship I now have. I have said that my wife is my best friend and in someways this is an even greater compliment than "lover". If I absolutely had to choose, I would have to give up men. I say this understanding that I am 100% gay and sex with escorts has given me immense pleasure. But I respect and appreciate my wife (and what she has sacrificed to permit the "open marriage" that we now have) and cherish our 27 years too much together to throw it away. I hope I never have to make that choice.

I would never put myself in a position where my wife might walk in on an escort/lover and myself having sex. I engage escorts away from home. Although my wife is very understanding, there have to be limits. I do not want to "rub her nose" in my extra-marital affairs. She knows whom I am meeting, but I think she would be hurt if I relayed the details to her or attempted to meet in our own house.

I limit my male relationships to escorts. Although I have become good friends with one, I think my involvement in the relationship carries a greater commitment than does the escort's (however kind and considerate he is outside the meeting). If we had to separate, I would probably feel much more emotional pain.

My wife and I are both supportive of the gay community locally and nationally (including financial support) and attend Pride functions, for example, together. I do not go to any gay bars or baths. My only one-on-one contact with males is through escorts.

 

I hope this at least answers some of your questions.

[Guest WetDream]

RE: Thank you for the insight...

 

I really appreciate the responses from the married men (and for Will's thoughtful interrogation) to this thread. I was initially put off by the snippy tone of the original questions but am impressed by the candor and depth of feeling you have shown. The picture you have drawn of a life so different from my own shows the real value this site can have.

[Guest allansmith63]

RE: Thank you for the insight...

 

As an ex-married man (separated 6 months) with children - I need to respond. I've been mulling over my response for a while, and it's difficult to put my thoughts into words.

I always knew I was gay - but in small-town Canada, I didn't have the foggiest idea how to be gay and really, what it meant. I married the first woman that aroused me - a wonderful woman and a great friend. We had children.

All throughout my marriage, I wanted men - stared at men - dreamt of sex with men (once I realized what they did together :-). Came to a point a few years ago that I could no longer contain my desires, and started my gay explorations. I came to a point where I could no longer live with myself - contemplated suicide for a good part of last year, as I attempted to make some sense of my life. A year ago May, I hired Matt_Vancouver, and learned what being gay meant - not the sex part - but what gay really was all about. It's not sex, it's how I want to live the rest of my life. Matt's become a very good friend (except when we piss each other off :-) and has always helped in my moments of desparation. Last January, I told my wife I was gay, and in February, I moved out.

 

Would I have married her if I had seen any other way out of what was, with my upbringing, a sure pathway to hell? Honestly, no. I have taken 20 years away from a good woman who deserves a husband to worship and adore her. I wouldn't have my children, but if I didn't have them, I wouldn't know what being a father was all about. Marrying her was a very selfish act on my part, because, when she accuses me of using her, I have to agree. I used her to protect myself. I learned a lot about relationships from her - and I owe her an incredible debt. Now, I'm moving on with my life - embracing an exciting change in my mid-life. And she's recovering from a 20 year marriage that she feels was based on lies. I've hurt her badly.

 

My view.

 

Have a good weekend, guys.

 

Allan

[Will]

RE: Thank you for the insight...

 

Yes, Wet Dream, I agree with you. I have pretty strong convictions about some of the ethical issues involved, but ethical convictions are useful primarily as guideposts. Once one begins to assess them against the realities of decent human beings who are trying to play the cards life has dealt them the best way they know, the process can be sobering. I, too, esteem the men who have been so candid on this (and other) threads on this site, and their utter openness here only increases my admiration and affection for them, regardless of the choices they themselves have made. In any case, I certainly do not judge them or anyone else.

[Will]

RE: Thank you for the insight...

 

And there's a testimony to a lot of wonderful things about human beings, escorts not the least. Who else could have done for you what Matt did? Thank God for ecorts, I say. And for men of integrity and courage, whether client or escort.

[mmk]

RE: Thank you for the insight...

 

After reading what many of the married men have said here, I guess I am fortunate to have realized at an early age that I was gay. I do not know if I would have had the strength to enter into a relationship with a woman and stay there if I then realized it. I do think that many people(myself include) think that it is just a matter of making a decision, but there are so many other variables involved. Thank you for giving me insight to a situation that I thought was rather black and white but now realize is very gray.