Falling in Love with Escort

[Guest Slammy]

The first time I saw this escort I was hooked. He was a fantasy.

I have now been with him four times and just become a teen age girl whenver I am with him. I overpay him, simply because I love him and want to be good to him. Do you think I should stop seeing him, as I know it is all business for him. I can afford to see him anytime I want, but I feel like maybe he will soon tire of me, pay or not.

[Guest Thunderbuns]

>I have now been with him four times and just become a teen

>age girl whenver I am with him. I overpay him, simply

>because I love him and want to be good to him. Do you think

>I should stop seeing him, as I know it is all business for

>him. I can afford to see him anytime I want, but I feel

>like maybe he will soon tire of me, pay or not.

 

I don't think that you have to stop seeing him. As he is in the business of marketing himself and you are a consumer who desires the product, I would think that he will welcome your continued interest.

 

But I think you would be doing yourself a service if you could tone down the intensity (as opposed to frequency) of the relationship.

It sounds as if you might be fawning over him too much and this might result in him loosing respect for you, and once the respect is lost it is often followed by dislike and that is the last thing you want. It could also lead to him seeing you as a "mark" - also not good!

 

So my recomendation would be to cool it a little - trust me, it will last longer that way.

 

Thunderbuns

[Guest Andre]

I don`t think you should stop seeing him..as long as you are having good time,but yes u have to learn how to control your feelings and try to think that you are paying some one just to have fun with or to please you with your fantasy..

some of the clints think that paying more money they will get clouser to the escort but believe me i have alot of expirience with that,ESCORTS DEAL WITH ALOT OF PEOPLE,and some time it is hard to remember even the clint name...

of course some of my clints are my best friends but not becouse the tipped me more then others,we just liked each other I GUESS,,,

all the best....Andre,toronto..

[BewareofNick]

I think if your name is Clint Andre should remember that

[Guest Willy]

>I have now been with him four times and just become a teen

>age girl whenver I am with him. I overpay him, simply

>because I love him and want to be good to him. Do you think

>I should stop seeing him, as I know it is all business for

>him. I can afford to see him anytime I want, but I feel

>like maybe he will soon tire of me, pay or not.

 

He's going to get tired of you? Au contraire. As long as you don't become the night stalker from hell, he'll welcome you until the point at which he decides to quit the biz.

 

Don't tell him you love him, and don't start thinking he loves you.

[Guest roninx]

The decision is up to you but if you really feel that you are falling for him then it might be better not to see him again.

 

The chances that a real relationship will develop is probably slim and continuing to see him might feed your own sense of hope that it might happen.

 

Unrequited love can be very difficult to deal with if you are still having intimate contact with him.

 

But as I said use your judgement (just remember to be realistice about your expectations).

 

All the best!

[Guest Slammy]

I wrote the original question regarding falling in love with escort.I cannot seem to just enjoy the encounter....it goes on in my head forever. After I last met with him he called me the next day and I went on about how much I enjoyed our time together, and he said he did too. My question is, do escorts have favorite clients? I read some of the reviews and some of the guys who use escorts say they are overweight, or generally sound a little unappealing. Unfortunately I paid him almost double what he asked for the last time, and before that I almost did the same thing.

[Losgatan]

Slammy,

 

I'm afraid you're on the edge of a slippery slope here. Once you start paying an escort more than he asks, it's **very** difficult to go back to his asking rate.

 

Please be careful -- with both your heart and your wallet. :'(

[Will]

Losgatan is right. It seems as though you may well have stepped over that very thin line between "recreational sex" and "lovemaking." What escorts offer, probably better than anyone else on the planet, is the former. They do not offer, and certainly they do not promise, the latter.

 

You, on the other hand, are not only investing huge amounts of money, all the greater because so unrealistically out of proportion to what even the escort has asked for. More valuable by far is the emotional investment you are making in someone who has (a) not asked for that investment, (b) has not acknowledged its value, and © has not indicated that he is -- in any way -- prepared to make the same investment.

 

What kind of relationship is that? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who adores you, but whom you like but don't love? Wouldn't that make you feel creepy?

 

If there is a meeting of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous near you, I hope you'll check it out. It may not be for you -- and I'm not saying that it is. But I am saying that if you have an obsession with this man, you may need more help than you can possibly give yourself, and from people who know exactly how you feel.

[Guest Slammy]

Wow Will,

 

What a very powerful response and right on target. I am familiar with addiction, as I am a 12 stepper. This is a pattern with me that I seem to repeat. I will call the group you suggested. One of my best friends calls me the youngest "john" he knows. I fall in love with unavailable men, usually good looking actors who don't have a dime and I support them. The reason I went to an escort was to short circuit my pattern, but I guess my sickness is my sickness. Funnily enough a few years back I had someone crazy about me who lavished me with everything I wanted, and it did not change my rather luke warm feelings toward him. Also, I don't think I can do recreational sex.

I have to have some love juice going....some fantasy. So I guess it's back to solo or celibacy.

 

All these responses have been very, very helpful. I have made up my mind to never call this escort again. "Half measures avail us nothing".

[Will]

Thanks, Slammy, for such an open-minded response to my post. SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) is the best Twelve-Step program I've come across, in that it makes me think of how AA must have been in the "old days." They observe absolute anonymity; they talk about nothing but their issues; they share everything -- and I mean *everything* in the meeting; and their version of the Big Book is incredible. It ought to be "required reading" for every adult who finds him/herself in trouble of any kind.

 

If you're already in recovery, then you are so much further ahead of your problem than you sounded at first. Please talk to your present sponsor; remember that you can't just quit, but will have to live with and address the triggers that cause you to act out. You'll see in SLAA that nobody will say you have to be celibate, and in fact they say that only each person can determine his/her own style of sexual "sobriety."

 

After a terrible crisis in my own life about eight years ago, a friend took me with him to SLAA meetings. I went for about six months, and finally realized that I'm not a sex-and-love addict. So I stopped going to the meetings, only out of respect for the regulars. The level of honesty was astounding.

 

"Half measures availed us nothing" is only the beginning of that sentence. It goes on to say, "We stood at the turning point." That's where you are, and I'll keep you right up at the top of my thoughts as you go through this painful process. On the other side of it is a happy, healthy sex life.

 

It will probably begin with your unraveling what is likely a confusing knot of ideas and feelings around the word "love." SLAA will help you figure that out. Unlike alcoholics, you CAN be a social sybarite!

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

A thoughtful, reasoned response. If only the world turned soley on the axis of logic then life would be much simpler.

[alanalt]

>A thoughtful, reasoned response. If only the world turned

>soley on the axis of logic then life would be much simpler.

 

I'd just be satisfied if my heart 'turned on the axis of logic', asking for the world to do so seems a bit much...;-)

[Guest Slammy]

Will,

 

Where are you......I love you. What a beautiful, loving response.

I cannot thank you enough. I am having difficulty finding SLAA here in LA........Maybe you can be of some help. But God Bless you for sharing. I love you.

[Will]

Here is the homepage URL for the whole organization:

 

http://slaafws.org/

 

I know that there is a chapter in San Diego, because I saw their website. This will surely get you started, though. I'll also check with some friends in LA and get back to you via a private e-mail through your profile.

 

There is another similar and very good recovery program, but I can't remember exactly how it's called. However, I have a friend in NYC who's a member and I'll get back to you about that.

 

Meanwhile, be careful. There is a so-called "12-step" (ha ha ha) organization run by a bunch of Sex Nazis who preach that the only "sobriety" is total celibacy UNLESS you're in a HETEROSEXUAL relationship. BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!

 

Hugs and kisses and lots of support and prayers,

Will

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

>I'd just be satisfied if my heart 'turned on the axis of

>logic', asking for the world to do so seems a bit much...;-)

 

Good point but... at times lke this they maybe seem one and the same. :-(

[Guest Slammy]

>>I'd just be satisfied if my heart 'turned on the axis of

>>logic', asking for the world to do so seems a bit much...;-)

>

>Good point but... at times lke this they maybe seem one and

>the same. :-(

[pacnwescort]

You know, this is an interesting topic for me. One client of mine who read my reviews on this site commented that "the consistent thread in your reviews is that all your clients seem to fall in love with you." I'm not sure I agree with his statement, at least taken literally, but I have escorted for 2 years and during that time I have had clients that I have seen regularly (once a month, sometimes for days at a time) and that i do feel "close" to. So here are some of my thoughts on the subject:

 

First, the emotions that develop are real. I definitely feel like I have developed friendships with some of my clients. In fact, I jokingly tell a few of them how nice it is to be "paid to be their friend." Sometimes the emotional rapport that exists between us is as good and as valuable as the rapport I feel with friends who I've known for years. I can't imagine spending as much time as I do with some of my clients without getting emotionally close to them. It is a big part of what I like about being an escort.

 

Second, having said that, I don't fall in love with my clients, and I don't think they fall in love with me. There are definitely aspects of fantasies that get played out in our encounters, it may sometimes seem like "the perfect date" or "the perfect fuck" or whatever. I know there are things that I do with clients that they wish they could do with their partner or boyfriend, or they wish they had a partner or boyfriend like me! It's all very flattering, but it is also tempered by the fact that they all are firmly entrenched in reality.

 

Third, I think there is a threshold you cross when you decide to hire an escort. From one perspective, to state it in strong terms, a person could say that anyone who pays money for sex is "sick" or "compulsive." Obviously I am not one of those people! So if you can buy the notion that escorting by one name or another is and has always been a "profession," then I think you can also believe that it helps people work through their emotions. Without sounding vain, I hope, I know there are clients who are working through intimacy issues with me, not by talking about it, but by experiencing it. And I know that escorting is great therapy for me - I've learned all kinds of good things about myself through interactions with clients. Hmmmm, isn't that the kind of stuff that happens in a "loving" relationship anyway? I'm glad I'm not a pyschologist (although many of my clients are, LOL) because I don't really want this stuff to be an EXPLICIT part of my relationship with clients, but I'm quite aware it is operating under the surface, and it is usually good stuff, although it is always a little messy and complicated.

 

Finally, for all the reasons above, the clients who are the ones that seem like they are the most "in love" with me are usually also the ones who never tip. Go figure! A lot of my clients tip me, which is of course great. But especially the ones I see regularly and monthly, there is a very clear financial arrangement, and I think (without saying it) they know that tipping once would cost them a lot of money over the long haul! It's easy to get carried away when you meet an escort for the first time and it feels great, just like a "first date." But then when you settle down to a "normal" pattern of seeing each other, more practical considerations enter into the picture. Hmmm, isn't that also what ends up happening in a "loving" relationship?

 

From my end, it works great. First, the fact that clients can be so calculating about the money they pay me reassures me that they are not "falling in love" and that the limits in our relatonship are clear. Second, I can count on the fact that I have an ongoing source of income spending time with someone I truly enjoy being with. What's not to like? LOL.

 

Anyways, it seems like the best thing is for a client and escort to discuss this stuff, if they have an ongoing relationship. If that's possible, it's another sign that everyone really is a grown up and understands that beyond the emotions there is also a firm grasp on reality.

 

Steven

[Guest Slammy]

Steven,

 

What an articulate, adroit response. I so appreciate all the postings to my query about falling in love with an escort. I realize that it is my "sickness" or "need" to really allow myself such abandon. But your very thoughtful passages gave me great food for thought and made much sense. You see, I tried two other escorts before this one, and believe me, they did not have the energy this dude has. In fact, I felt like I had totally wasted money on the other two.

 

I do appreciate your honesty about feeling a certain way for regular clients. In my rational head that is the kind of relationship I wanted with this particular escort. But my emotions popped into the scene and I wake up with such longings.

 

Also, this thing about paying for sex is so silly. Try dating a woman and see what that costs for dinner, drinks, etc. To pop for a cool escort is chump change. This also applies for a cool male date.

[Will]

I agree that Steven's is one of the most intelligent, compassionate, and articulate posts I've read on this site in a lamentably long time. In fact, I wrote him an e-mail to tell him so.

 

But, Slammy, I don't read in anything he said an idea that would discourage you from going ahead with your plan to manage your run-away feelings for this guy. I also wish that you'd not call your desires for him a "sickness." Instead, I wish you'd entertain the idea that there's nothing inappropriate about the desires themselves -- that they're a sign of health, not sickness. What I can imagine your wanting to do is to learn how to use those desires in a way that is creative and supportive of both you and the man you love -- in equal measure.

 

It seems unlikely that you'll feel better about this whole business if you keep telling yourself that you have a "sickness" or some kind of unnatural "need." You don't. It's just that -- like many of us here -- you never had the chance to learn how to manage these powerful feelings in adolescence and young adulthood. There's also a good chance that you -- again, with many of us -- have some internalized homophobia mixed in with your very natural need to find sex and security with another person.

[Will]

>Also, this thing about paying for sex is so silly. Try

>dating a woman and see what that costs for dinner, drinks,

>etc. To pop for a cool escort is chump change. This also

>applies for a cool male date.

 

LOL!!! After I'd discovered the world of escorts, I realized that for years I'd been paying for sex without getting it. What else do you call dinners, theater tickets, long weekends, gifts, and so forth and so on when it's all in the service of trying in vain to get a man into bed?

 

I think escorts -- the ones I've met here, anyway -- are the biggest money-savers and the best value-for-cash since the invention of Wal-Mart.

[Guest Slammy]

Will,

 

You will never know how much I appreciate your time to answer these questions. Thank you for pointing out the use of the word "sickness". Unfortunately in the early days of my 12 step work I got into the world of the"nazis", as you referred to them and this was their favorite world. I try on a daily basis not to call the guy. I have gone eight days without calling him. I really learned a lot from the postings here. This is all new to me, and you have been more than a compassionate friend, which I truly appreciate.

[Guest seraph250]

>LOL!!! After I'd discovered the world of escorts, I

>realized that for years I'd been paying for sex without

>getting it. What else do you call dinners, theater tickets,

>long weekends, gifts, and so forth and so on when it's all

>in the service of trying in vain to get a man into bed?

 

 

I would call it the result of being dishonest with yourself and with the other person about what you want from the relationship. For example, something that is given as a gift is not given in the expectation of getting something in return, but for the pleasure that giving provides the giver. It seems that is not what you were doing.

 

>I think escorts -- the ones I've met here, anyway -- are the

>biggest money-savers and the best value-for-cash since the

>invention of Wal-Mart.

 

I agree that if all you want from another person is a few minutes of sex then escorts are the way to go.

[Guest jthomp3303seattle]

john in Seattle: I fell in love with the writer of the preceeding letter, for 120 minutes. During that time it was loving and romantic( at my request). It was the best, but when it was done it was done. That's what's great about using an escort,it's also what's worst.Sometimes it's hard to admit that the person you just had such a wonderful time with is just doing his job. But, for self preservation, we must.

[Boston Guy]

I would like to suggest an alternative possibility.

 

Rather than assume that there is something wrong with you, why not think not about the possibility that you are completely normal -- and just starved for outlets for your emotions?

 

It's really common for people who have a lot of love to give, people who really want to be in love (or who are "in love with the idea of being in love") to project a lot of emotion onto people who come into their lives. That doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them. Instead, I think it means that they simply have to learn how to channel all that good emotional energy.

 

Projecting too much in the way of loving feelings onto an unsuspecting person is a really fine way of turning most people off: we just aren't built to handle that much emotion coming our way on a constant basis. Learning how to respond to other people that we care for is something that takes a lot of practice and something that many of us never do really get right.

 

But I'd also like to suggest one other thing to you: learn the difference between love and infatuation. Love is deep, it takes time to develop, it's patient, it's often selfless and seldom selfish, and it's usually the result of a lot of time spent with the other person. Infatuation, on the other hand, is quick to develop. It's often centered on ourselves and our desire to 'be in love.'

 

Infatuation is sixteen years old whereas love is forty or fifty or sixty.

 

If you feel you are in love with someone with whom you have spent a relatively small amount of time, I'd like to kindly suggest that you may well be infatuated instead. This is not a put-down; on the contrary, to live is to be capable of being infatuated and infatuation is a wonderful emotion, full of joy and the rush and blush of good feelings and high hopes and sexual inuendo.

 

Indeed, when we reach a time when we can no longer feel these feelings, then surely we must be nearing our end.

 

But love is something different. I do not think it is possible to truly love someone that you have only known for a few hours. Loving someone requires that you know the person, know their strengths, know their weaknesses. It does not require that you be loved back, but real love cannot develop in ten minutes or an hour or two.

 

If you find yourself professing love to those that you only have known for a relative moment, consider whether or not there are enough of these people in your life. Have you populated your life with enough friends, with enough emotion? It's a common mistake to run from one person to another, thrusting a great deal of emotion onto each in turn and then, being repelled, running to the next. It is more satisfying, I think, to conserve our energy and our feelings and to share what we have to give among enough people that we are not overwhelming any of them.

 

How often have you heard people say "I liked him, but he was just too intense for me"? Or "he just came on too strong."

 

Slow down, enjoy yourself, enjoy life itself. Enjoy the joys that each day can bring to you and share them with others without overwhelming them.

 

When you find yourself about to say "I love you" to another person, step back for a moment and ask yourself if that's what you really mean. Is it possible that instead you mean "I want to be in love and I would love to love you"?

 

And, please, realize that we've all been there. These are universal truths that we all must learn. You are not somehow imperfect for suffering from universal humam failings. Quite the contrary, you should celebrate the fact that you can feel such good feelings.

 

I really wish you well. And I hope you find a path that someday allows you to know true love.

 

Regards,

BG