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Gay Sexual Biases and Hookup Sites


Tristan
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I've spent a lot of time on the two major gay hookup/dating sites. I don't really expect to find anyone special, though there are some guys on these sites looking for a relationship or friendship. But most just want sex, NSA. Hookup sites really function as online bars. In fact, I recently read an article on a gay web site that a lot of younger guys don't feel the need to go to gay clubs. They're happy to just sit at their computer checking Profiles. Even better, on hookup sites you can be anyone with any stats. You never know what's true and what isn't. And you can be as rude as you want. The rudeness I've encountered is appalling. With that said, I'm just looking for a casual sexual relationship and/or friendship. But who knows what could develop?

 

Everyone wants younger. Being out-of-shape, old, even worse - being old and not having lots of money leaves you out in the cold. Being well hung helps, but is not as critical a factor as the first three.

 

I use the following words in my Profile for the benefit of anyone who cares on those sites: warm, caring, considerate, affectionate, and sensual. I have viewed 100s of profiles and noticed something interesting. I could not find a single profile with any of these words - NOT ONE! The only word I found that I use to describe personal qualities is passionate. A few profiles had that word in it. So much for interest in "personal qualities."

 

I could write a book, just based on the content of the Profiles on these two sites. The bad attitude and arrogance is horrendous. I find it most interesting that many of the guys in their 20s and 30s (prime Angus beef), are online every night, night after night. Why, if they have such great bods or are so cute, would they have to go back online night after night? I can only assume they're being very picky. I don't think most of them are doing a guy a night, especially based on the length of time spent online.

 

I think the worst is to be gay, old, unpartnered, and not have enough money for the escorts you want. I've noticed that older gay guys don't want each other. Everyone wants younger. The cutoffs I've seen in Profiles are 30, 35, 40, and 45. Over 45 and that means you're half dead. Over 55, and you're a relic. [b/]I strongly feel that if you want a LTR, and you don't find someone before you hit 50, the odds are you never will.[/b] The sooner you look for an LTR (assuming you want one), the larger your market and the better the odds. In the society at large, they say 60 is the new 40. At least, baby boomers who exercise more, eat healthier and all that good stuff like to think so. And there is some truth in it. But it doesn't apply to gay culture.

 

The comments in the profiles of 20 and 30 somethings can really be obnoxious. One Profile stated "no fukin old guys." "If I'm interested, I'll contact you." I found it amazing that this comment was made by a 20 yo about people over 30. I know - you don't have to tell me. Young people think they'll never grow old. It still amazes me. That example containing the nasty comment about older guys was one of the worst I found, but the attitute is prevalent.

 

There's two things I tell these 20 and 30 somethings:

 

1) We all get old, and we all were once young.

 

2) Time flies. Before you know it, you'll be over 30 or 40, and the number of messages and replies you'll receive will do a nosedive. (I know this is true from my own experience. The number of messages correlates with your age. The number of messages plummets as you get older.)

 

I write a lot in my profile on these sites - both personal attributes and sexual interests. I've noticed that the younger you are, the less you have to write. A lot of guys just look at the pics. If you're a 20 something and have a nice bod or are very cute, you can practically leave the Profile blank, and you'll still get tons of responses. Most gay guys just want to see if you're younger, gym-toned, cute, or are well hung. Nothing else matters. For many seekers, if you're young and cute, or young with a nice bod, you're in high demand even if you're brain dead.

 

As mentioned in another thread, there are gay people who don't fit the typical hookup guy profile, whom you can meet in social groups or organizations. That's true. But I strongly believe that the attitude on hookup sites does reflect the prevalent gay cultural preferences. I live in a gay village and see bad attitude almost everywhere.

 

Most gay guys want younger. And twinks are in most demand right now. Just look at the number of twink web sites and vids. Isn't the desire to have sex with younger guys the driving force behind most of the members (including myself) on this site? How many guys on this site, who are over 45, would want each other for more than friends?

 

I've hardly scratched the surface on these issues. There are so many other variables, like the whole top, bottom, versatile, versatile/top, versatile/bottom thing. There are tops looking for total bottoms, and then there are versatile/tops who only want versatile/bottoms. The permutations and combinations on this issue alone is enough to boggle your mind.

 

I'm sure there will be those who will find something to attack in my little treatise here. Whenever you post on the MB, you always open yourself up to contrary opinions. Please just keep it polite. I think too many posters have already been discouraged from posting specificly because of the hijacking and personal attacks that follow.

 

I wrote this post with the realization that there are members here who are married, bi, or suppressed their sexual orientation until later in life. So much of what I said may not apply to these members.

 

If you got this far, thanks for reading my post. I just had some thoughts I felt like writing down. Sorry if it seemed like I rambled.

 

- Tristan

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Tristan

you actually made some very good and thought provoking points in your comments.

I am 43 years old and I can agree with alot of what you said. However, I remember when I was in my early 20's and coming out I was not interested in people my own age, but people who were anywhere from 5 to 10 years older than me. Even now, I still like people who have had some life experience and have been around the block (or a few blocks) than the ones who do not have that life experience.

 

Can I look at someone who is in their early to late 20's and find them attractive? Hell yes - I think we all can. Am I going to go after those guys? Hell no. I do not want someone that young. I remember what I was like in my early 20's and just coming out and I am surprised that someone did not kill me for being annoying (sometimes I am surprised that someone does not kill me now for being annoying but that is another matter).

 

Now as for Hook Up sites, I do not use them or like them. I have cruised them before but I do think that over half of what you read is all bullshit. I have had friends who have profiles on those sites and have told me 2/3rds of the responses they have received have been lies and gameplayers.

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Just wanted to give my 2 centavos.

 

You mentioned there are the same people who are on some

of these sites every night. Why be one of them? If you

try and chat and everyone is shallow, superficial and

IM'ing back "like ew, yer old" this means the universe

may be sending you a message like get the hell away

from these morons. Night after night while you are

logging in, the universe is trying to say "move on."

 

There are plenty of good guys to find either for

hookups or for relationships that will be into you.

I know someone well who is over 350 lbs, has breath

like I don't want to say, is over 40 and who hooks

up regularly. (NO, its not me.)

 

For hookups, try the bear sites. They are totally

for people who have a little extra hair, might be

older, might be bigger, etc. Bears are usually

very accepting. As you probably know, younger

guys into bears are called cubs. Bears also

have meetup groups, conventions, etc. where

LOTS of them get together to meet new people.

 

For serious relationships, STOP looking where you

have already looked online. Try a few new sites

for people looking for RELATIONSHIPS ONLY

or stop looking online entirely.

 

After you've done that, get off the chat rooms

and dating sites for a moment.

 

Pick up a local gay newspaper or look online

for gay-oriented places and things to do in

your area. Volunteer at the desk at

"The Center" if you have an LGBT center

in your city or nearby.

Go to a gay or gay-friendly church or

synagogue. Do gay speed dating.

Participate in or go and cheer for a

gay sports team. Physically get yourself

out of the house, get into the community

and meet people the old fashioned way.

Even if Mr. right doesn't jump into your

lap, you'll make friends and those friends

can always be on the lookout for someone

to introduce you to. Sounds dumb, but my

parents were introduced to each other by

mutual friends, so I don't knock that.

 

Friends can also be a huge source of support

and are great to go out with, if no one else

is around. Keep people around you and you'll

feel a lot less alone, even if you don't have

men banging the door down to get your goodies.

Its also fun to go out and get a little wild

at the bars, either with one friend or several.

If you take 5 friends that don't know each other

but only know you, people will want to know who

that guy is at the center of everyone's attention.

Keep in mind, until you stop repeating in your

head over and over that no one like you will ever

find anyone, it's true, you won't. Try to project

the energy and confidence that you would find

attractive in someone else. A nervous, neurotic

wallflower, even younger and better looking than

most, may not stand a good chance at times

as compared to an older, very confident, and

interesting man who is the life of the party.

Become him.

Kick up your heels and live a little. Don't

worry so much about what other people

think, just begin follow the old sign at

the railroad station - stop, look and live.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

Lookin4hotties

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I think I will stop posting anything serious and just stick with non-controversial stuff like gas prices in my area.

 

Thanks for your response. You had a lot of good suggestions for meeting people. But that's not why I wrote what I did. I'm not looking for suggestions. It wasn't a personal request for advice. It was a commentary on a slice of gay culture.

 

What I wrote is a sociological analysis of an element of gay life that I believe, in many ways, reflects the entire culture. If I go to online hookup/dating sites, it's for reasons you don't know. I don't like them. But I've been there and done that, or there are reasons why I can't go there and do that. I'm aware of all these alternative ways of meeting people. And all the biases you find on hookup sites are everywhere. In the other thread about gay people being picky, that person was asking for advice. Your response would be perfect there. I'll have to check if it is there.

 

Anyway, thanks for your good intentions. But you really got the wrong impression of why I started the thread.

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>Now as for Hook Up sites, I do not use them or like them. I

>have cruised them before but I do think that over half of what

>you read is all bullshit. I have had friends who have

>profiles on those sites and have told me 2/3rds of the

>responses they have received have been lies and gameplayers.

 

You're absolutely right, and your friends are absolutely right!!

 

I want to thank you for your response. So far you're the only member who understood what I was trying to say and responded to it. I appreciate reading your thoughts based on your experience.

 

For everyone else: [b/]What I wrote was a sociological analysis, not a request for suggestions on how to meet people.[/b] I'm aware of all the alternative ways of meeting people. I've been around the block more than a few times.

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Guest Wetnwildbear

And speaking as a totally objective poster. . . Bears are wonderful

 

warm, caring, sexy, sensual and fun people! They are also shy and

 

modest

 

:D :D

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Hello Tristan:

I found what you stated to be very true, as least in my life.

When I first went to gay bars (age 18)it was definitely to find a sex

partner and I wanted "older" guys in their late 20's or 30's.

As I grew older I was attracted mostly to my same age or slightly

younger. I hooked up with a partner at 35 and he was only 20.

Never thought that would happen but it did. We were together for

17 years when he found a new partner in New York when he was

transferred there. So at age 52 I was alone but not that upset

because we maintained a very close friendship and still do until

this day when I am now 70 and he is 55 years old with yet a new

partner in San Francisco. When we parted as partners, I was not sure

I ever wanted to be in another relationship. I started the bar

route and gay chat rooms. I wanted someone in their 40's, but

what I found was that those people wanted someone younger than

themselves. That's when I started to hire escorts a few times.

Now I am at 70 with no partner to grow older with. But I have 2

very close friends. One is my ex, and the other is a lifelong

friend. He and I live together (only as friends). We are the same age and were playmates from the age of 3 when his folks move across the street from me. We went all through school together and even

roomed together at college. So I feel myself very fortunate to at

least have this "friendship partner".

I did not intend this response to got into all that detail, but only

to say how much I agree with your original post.

Take care.

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Guest Wetnwildbear

SUNTAN4 - You are indeed a blessed individual to have a true

 

friend with whom you have shared your entire life and with whom

 

you will share the rest of your life.

 

 

Sexual relationships are more often than not fleeting - True

 

friendship is a joyous bond that is infinite.

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Lol gotcha. I took what you highlighted as the

thesis of what you were saying and thought you

were talking about yourself when you talked

about never getting into any sort of long

term relationship past 50. It sounded sad!

 

 

Also, feel free to keep posting about

controversial topics. No worries...

that's what makes this board fun.

 

Lookin4hotties

 

(my prior comments follow this post)

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i think the straight world functions much the same way. while there are exceptions, it is common to see the "older man" with the younger wife; if the "older man" is wealthy, the younger woman can be a beautiful trophy wife more often than not.

 

a complaint of many older widows is that the available men are looking for younger women. older looking for younger may be a biological thing for both straight and gay.

 

while i do not go to the hook-up sites, i know one friend who is 67 who lists in his profile that he is 47! i assume that is common like "AOL inches". at least at a bar or in a gym, what you see is what you get.

 

there use to be a website for younger men looking for older men but i do not remember it. the are younger men who like older men. earlier this year, i hired devon roff in florida (a great escort) and we did an overnight; he was very open about his life. he said he prefered older men and i remember his current partner was about 20 years older but that his last long term partner was 62 (devon is in his 30's).

 

i think there is a human need for affection and touching which is why so many men get a massage (a real one) or have a dog. many of the older people i know have dogs and that is almost a substitute for a partner; look at leona helmsley who left her billion dollar fortune for the care of her dogs!

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Thanks for posting the followup and your encouragement not to stop writing about controversial issues. I'm glad you weren't offended. You did have some good suggestions and took the time to write them.

 

My goal in replying to your first post was to redirect the thread toward the issues I raised, and I seem to have succeeded. I didn't want to make it about me, even though some things may apply to me, but rather about gay cultural biases.

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>i think there is a human need for affection and touching which

>is why so many men get a massage (a real one) or have a dog.

>many of the older people i know have dogs and that is almost a

>substitute for a partner; look at leona helmsley who left her

>billion dollar fortune for the care of her dogs!

 

Very good point! Thanks for raising this issue.

 

I see it all around me. There are lots of older guys, and younger, who have pets instead of partners. And I've known women in the past who do the same. The pets are substitutes for human partners. I guess part of it is that pets give you unconditional love, whereas people can be so unreliable and unpredictable.

 

They treat their pets on the level of people. There are all sorts of upscale stores here for gourmet pet food and designer dog/cat clothing. They spend a small fortune on their pets. For these people, losing a pet is like losing a child.

 

I find the whole thing a bit strange, but I think I understand it. In fact, I sometimes think I should join them.

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Guest zipperzone

>Damn I'm glad I still have a partner! I'm not only old but

>allergic to dogs and cats and a guppy is no substitute for a

>great dane.

 

Especially if the Great Dane is blond, 6'3, hung, house trained and obedient. :-) :-) :-)

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Thanks for this thought provoking topic! I am in my 50s, and "dumpy", although I am addressing that issue thru the gym and changes in my eating habits.

 

To be honest, I have been harmed by the culture and my early career as a teacher. I avoided "long-term" relationships and pretty much concentrated on pickups. Like the creator of this thread, I have a big dick and do get alot of action (eventhough I'm older) on common internet sites. Needless to say, my picture and profile feature my dick as my best feature. I have a regular fuckbuddy who's younger than me, handsome and muscular. However, we are only fuckbuddies who've connected for nearly 10 years for sex. I realize that I probably couldn't even handle a "boyfriend" or LTR. There was so much secretive and closeted history in my background that is so ingrained in me now. The reason I left teaching was due to the AIDS epidemic and how parents reacted to teachers they suspected of being gay. I had staff (gossipy classroom assistants) at my last district actually bring the topic up as an infection control issue with my principal in a conservative district in California. I was then and remain HIV negative.

 

My belief from spending lots and lots of time on internet sites making connections is that they are not the vehicle to find a boyfriend, gay friends or long-term relationships. They were developed to provide quick access to horny guys ready to fuck. It certainly is better than the parks, bars and bathouses we used to frequent!

 

Good luck to the author of this thread. I believe, although I am not an expert, that there are many other guys in his situation who are also looking for "more". My sincere hope is that he finds his special mate.

 

Keep us posted!

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Thanks for sharing Ca Robert. The folks who drummer you out of teaching will be responsible for maiming the zeitgeist of yet another generation of our young. Fie on them.

 

I've got suspect that part of your current attitude toward forming LTR's is only partially due to sexuality or gay sensibilities. It's called by some curmudgeoness. As we get older we become set in our ways and any variation from those ways is a challenge to our wisdom that established them. Then there is an implied risk reward decision to be made. Is the likelihood and pleasure we might get from an LTR worth the disruption in our ways that might be required. The answer is never clear. That's life.

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Guest Callipygean

Interesting observations, Tristan, and as one who feels often I’m in the same rickety, ol’ leaky boat, I have to agree with your sentiments. As the quip goes, “getting old ain’t fer sissies” and getting old alone is more daunting, by orders of magnitude. It’s been over a decade now since I lost my partner of many years. There’s a tiny part of my irrational heart that still hopes I may find another to replace him; unfortunately, there’s a big part of my rational brain that perceives the likelihood of that is slim, diminishing as time goes by.

 

I realize, however, that it’s not simply age being a deterrent to those obsessed with the culture of youth and beauty, it’s an impediment, also, in its own right. Our arteries and bones aren’t the only things that harden as we get older. We become less resilient to change; as another poster here reflected, “set in our ways”. For bad or good, those ways become comfortable to us, harder to give up – we rely on them to provide stability and continuity in our lives. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, and it affords us, moreover, a freedom denied to those involved in relationships. Anyone who’s been in a relationship knows it’s about give and take. Those of us who live alone don’t have to make such daily compromises. We’re free to put those hideous pictures up on the walls, play video games at 3am in the morning, or spend all day in our jamies watching trashy movies if we choose to. And unlike human companions, our pets if we have them, will never bitch and bicker over our annoying personal habits (cmon, we all have them). I sometimes suspect there’s a twinkle of wry amusement in those canine eyes at my more embarrassing eccentricities, but I may be just anthropomorphizing. LOL

 

That said, would I give up those freedoms for a partner to share the remaining years of my life with? Absolutely! Would that be someone younger and more attractive than me? Not bloody likely! If I’m fortunate enough to find a compatible partner at this stage of life, it’s going to be someone much like myself, who shares my values and my outlook on life, i.e., a friend. The one truth I think I’ve discovered in my years lived so far is that love and friendship are really two sides of the same coin. One can’t survive long without the other. The relationships I’ve watched succeed have been based fundamentally, I think, on enduring friendship. The relationships I’ve watched collapse have failed not so much because the partners have ceased to be lovers, but because they’ve ceased to be friends.

 

I still visit the dating/hook up sites for purely ignoble reasons, they are an entertaining guilty pleasure. Realistically, I don’t expect to find that special friend on any of them. But to cite two last clichés, “stranger things have happened”, and “hope springs eternal”, etc. When I give up hope, I’ll know I’m dead. LOL

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I want to thank everyone who contributed to the thread.

 

I would like to especially thank those who were willing to connect their personal stories to the issues I raised. Your willingness to talk about your personal history made this a better thread and is much appreciated. It was more than I had hoped for.

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Tristan:

I want to thank you for starting this posting. It has confirmed many

feelings I have had as an older guy without a true partner to grow

old with. Thank goodness I have a very close friend and we can be

there for each other as needed.

I sometimes wish that there was a gated community where gay guys

could live and share friendship with like individuals. There is

such a community north of Ft. Myers, Florida for lesbians. It is

closed to men except with prior approved invitation. It is somewhat

remote but close to towns.

Thanks again, Tristan. This has been an interesting post.

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