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Need a UPS laugh?



Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high

school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in

our jobs.



After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.


The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never

let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.



Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots

(Marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by

Maintenance engineers.



By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an




P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.


S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.


S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.


S: Something tightened in cockpit



P: Dead bugs on windshield.


S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute



S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear


S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.


S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.


S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.


S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.


S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.


S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)


S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.


S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.


S: Cat installed.



And the best one for last..................



P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.


S: Took hammer away from midget.

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First time I saw this the astronauts were still flying fixed wing aircraft. :)


What is an airline? UPS and FEDEX are both scheduled Part 121 carriers that fly airline equipment. Oh, I get it. An airline must carry passengers and have a cabin crew. Don't forget:

1. Boxes don't complain about maintaining a schedule.

2. Boxes don't show up or get drunk on flights.

3. Boxes don't have heart attacks or other serious illnesses that cause flights to divert.

4. Ordinarily boxes just sit there and don't annoy anyone. There is the periodic exception when they combust because of some illegally shipped substance in them. Here we get to an advantage of having passengers. They normally will shout fire if there is one blazing away in the seat next to them. Boxes just sit there and the crew depends upon monitoring devices in the back.


Best regards,


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