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Guest michaelnnj

I could use a little advise from my fellow posters here about a subject that is very serious for me.

 

Two nights ago, my partner confronted me with the fact that he knows about my activities involving escorts. I thought that I was truly being careful and discreet, but perhaps I am just fooling myself into thinking that.

 

I'm not sure how he found out, short of having a detective casing the house, but thats not what is important. I have hurt him deeply, and I am brokenhearted over it. I have no idea how to explain to him why I do what I do, and perhaps somewhere here, someone has faced the same situation and could give me some advice.

 

I appreciate anyone taking a few minutes out of their busy day to lend a hand.

Michael

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Guest michaelnnj

I could use a little advise from my fellow posters here about a subject that is very serious for me.

 

Two nights ago, my partner confronted me with the fact that he knows about my activities involving escorts. I thought that I was truly being careful and discreet, but perhaps I am just fooling myself into thinking that.

 

I'm not sure how he found out, short of having a detective casing the house, but thats not what is important. I have hurt him deeply, and I am brokenhearted over it. I have no idea how to explain to him why I do what I do, and perhaps somewhere here, someone has faced the same situation and could give me some advice.

 

I appreciate anyone taking a few minutes out of their busy day to lend a hand.

Michael

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Guest craigrc

It's hard to advise you how to explain why you do what you do when we don't know the explanation. If you are in a relationship, why are you seeing escorts? Is there something about the relationship that is unsatisfying? If you have been concealing this activity from your partner, this suggests you knew he wouldn't approve. If you want to continue the relationship, you'll have to come to an understanding with him about this sort of thing. As you've discovered, deceiving your partner never works in the long run. If he cares about your happiness, he should at least be willing to give your concerns a hearing. Be completely frank about your feelings and desires. It's the only thing that works.

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Guest craigrc

It's hard to advise you how to explain why you do what you do when we don't know the explanation. If you are in a relationship, why are you seeing escorts? Is there something about the relationship that is unsatisfying? If you have been concealing this activity from your partner, this suggests you knew he wouldn't approve. If you want to continue the relationship, you'll have to come to an understanding with him about this sort of thing. As you've discovered, deceiving your partner never works in the long run. If he cares about your happiness, he should at least be willing to give your concerns a hearing. Be completely frank about your feelings and desires. It's the only thing that works.

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Just be honest. Tell him why you have been doing it and why it doesn't decrease your feelings for him one bit. Escorts are simply an entertaining distraction. Best of luck.

 

Aside: You think you had problems? Imagine my terror when, after over one year of keeping my escorting side-job (now full time job) a successful secret from my nearly-three-year partner, I received a call from him WHILE AT THE OFFICE confronting me about the man he saw me at Dinner with the evening before. First I tried lying, it is so hard to break old habits, that didn't work so I came clean. Being honest with him allowed me to quit my engineering job to escort full time, and gave me an unbiased critic of my webpage, and he is now the repositere of information when I step out to meet someone. Most importantly, I am obsolved of all guilt!

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Just be honest. Tell him why you have been doing it and why it doesn't decrease your feelings for him one bit. Escorts are simply an entertaining distraction. Best of luck.

 

Aside: You think you had problems? Imagine my terror when, after over one year of keeping my escorting side-job (now full time job) a successful secret from my nearly-three-year partner, I received a call from him WHILE AT THE OFFICE confronting me about the man he saw me at Dinner with the evening before. First I tried lying, it is so hard to break old habits, that didn't work so I came clean. Being honest with him allowed me to quit my engineering job to escort full time, and gave me an unbiased critic of my webpage, and he is now the repositere of information when I step out to meet someone. Most importantly, I am obsolved of all guilt!

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I don't think honesty is the simple solution. What reason do you give your partner for turning to a stranger for sex? That your partner is upset that you have had sex with others means there is no good explanation. Whatever you tell him will either hurt his feelings or sound like a lie (which is worse) or both (which is the worst of all). Is being honest going to earn his permission to do it again? Will it lose some of its thrill now that your partner knows and approves? Focus on what you want now that you've been caught. If the hurt to your partner is far worse than the good (but temporary) sexual gratification, then stop. And tell him it won't happen again. And mean it. If the thrill or sexual gratification (or whatever) is too strong to remain monogamous, then I say lie, but know that if you get caught again, it's over.

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I don't think honesty is the simple solution. What reason do you give your partner for turning to a stranger for sex? That your partner is upset that you have had sex with others means there is no good explanation. Whatever you tell him will either hurt his feelings or sound like a lie (which is worse) or both (which is the worst of all). Is being honest going to earn his permission to do it again? Will it lose some of its thrill now that your partner knows and approves? Focus on what you want now that you've been caught. If the hurt to your partner is far worse than the good (but temporary) sexual gratification, then stop. And tell him it won't happen again. And mean it. If the thrill or sexual gratification (or whatever) is too strong to remain monogamous, then I say lie, but know that if you get caught again, it's over.

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Honesty in a relationship can make all things GOOD happen. Just tell the truth, including that your lover is the most important thing in your life, but that your life includes things that you obviously didn't feel comfortable telling him about. If both of you honestly bare your souls concerning EVERYTHING (that includes your most innermost sexual desires and/or fantasies), and if there is true love there, you'll both feel better about it and your lives together will blossom into a greater relationship than you ever imagined. But, if he can't deal with your honesty and your real desires, then he really can't deal with the "real" you.

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Honesty in a relationship can make all things GOOD happen. Just tell the truth, including that your lover is the most important thing in your life, but that your life includes things that you obviously didn't feel comfortable telling him about. If both of you honestly bare your souls concerning EVERYTHING (that includes your most innermost sexual desires and/or fantasies), and if there is true love there, you'll both feel better about it and your lives together will blossom into a greater relationship than you ever imagined. But, if he can't deal with your honesty and your real desires, then he really can't deal with the "real" you.

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Guest dandday

Do you know the reason that you have been turning to escorts? Is it a lack of sex, the excitement of sleeping with diferent men, or has the fizzle left your relationship? It is hard to give advice without knowing the whys? If there is a problem, have you discussed it with him openly and honestly? When I discussed the sexual problems in my relationship with my partner, he did'nt even know there was a problem!

 

Now that you have been caught there is no simple solution. TALK TO HIM! Tell him why you did it, and if it is due to something lacking in the relationship, SPELL IT OUT TO HIM and ask him to help you work it out. Ask for his forgiveness.

 

I love my mate very much and never ever thought I would look elsewhere for sex. But it happened. I was lucky as he never found out. I never had to ask for his forgiveness. Cheating on your mate can change everything. Your mate may forgive you, but it is very hard to forgive yourself for what you have done. This comes from someone who is still trying to forgive himself for what he did.

 

Good luck.

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Guest dandday

Do you know the reason that you have been turning to escorts? Is it a lack of sex, the excitement of sleeping with diferent men, or has the fizzle left your relationship? It is hard to give advice without knowing the whys? If there is a problem, have you discussed it with him openly and honestly? When I discussed the sexual problems in my relationship with my partner, he did'nt even know there was a problem!

 

Now that you have been caught there is no simple solution. TALK TO HIM! Tell him why you did it, and if it is due to something lacking in the relationship, SPELL IT OUT TO HIM and ask him to help you work it out. Ask for his forgiveness.

 

I love my mate very much and never ever thought I would look elsewhere for sex. But it happened. I was lucky as he never found out. I never had to ask for his forgiveness. Cheating on your mate can change everything. Your mate may forgive you, but it is very hard to forgive yourself for what you have done. This comes from someone who is still trying to forgive himself for what he did.

 

Good luck.

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Guest michaelnnj

I can't say thank you enough for the guys who have responded to my plight.

I know that I love my partner very much, and he is truly the most important thing in my life.

We both suck at communicating, and I fear he has a very hard time with the truth. But honesty is the best policy, and I will need to tell him why Ive done what I have done.

I guess it will just be hard to tell him that I love everything about him except in the bedroom; a problem that stems from my own lack of confidence in that area. With an escort, since I was paying, I pretty much never worried if I were any good or not!

But I do thank you all for you kind words and advice...and I will let you know what happens.

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Guest michaelnnj

I can't say thank you enough for the guys who have responded to my plight.

I know that I love my partner very much, and he is truly the most important thing in my life.

We both suck at communicating, and I fear he has a very hard time with the truth. But honesty is the best policy, and I will need to tell him why Ive done what I have done.

I guess it will just be hard to tell him that I love everything about him except in the bedroom; a problem that stems from my own lack of confidence in that area. With an escort, since I was paying, I pretty much never worried if I were any good or not!

But I do thank you all for you kind words and advice...and I will let you know what happens.

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Guest Quinte

"I pretty much never worried if I were any good or not!"

 

Voice these concerns to your partner. You may well be surprised that lover boy has a few tricks up his sleeve to spice up your love life. Dear Michael, I really wish you and your partner work this out.

 

Also, its a long shot, but mention the fact that you did not just "cheat" with anybody. You did not just go have a one night stand with some dude you met at a bar. You chose escorts. IMHO, that is proof that it was merely sexual on your part. I have met married men who testified that sessions at home get better after a visit to me. You clearly had no intentions of leaving or replacing him. This is not a vindication of you and it does not take away your guilt or the fact that you hurt him. So use this approach in a sensitive way.

 

"These foolish things"

 

My best. Always,

Quinte DuSoleil

 

http://www.rentboy.com/quinte

http://communities.msn.com/qdus

[email protected]

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Guest Quinte

"I pretty much never worried if I were any good or not!"

 

Voice these concerns to your partner. You may well be surprised that lover boy has a few tricks up his sleeve to spice up your love life. Dear Michael, I really wish you and your partner work this out.

 

Also, its a long shot, but mention the fact that you did not just "cheat" with anybody. You did not just go have a one night stand with some dude you met at a bar. You chose escorts. IMHO, that is proof that it was merely sexual on your part. I have met married men who testified that sessions at home get better after a visit to me. You clearly had no intentions of leaving or replacing him. This is not a vindication of you and it does not take away your guilt or the fact that you hurt him. So use this approach in a sensitive way.

 

"These foolish things"

 

My best. Always,

Quinte DuSoleil

 

http://www.rentboy.com/quinte

http://communities.msn.com/qdus

[email protected]

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Guest gr8guy

Michael:

 

All the other posters have given you valuable and thoughtful advice. However, may I add that perhaps you should not be turning to this forum at all. Coming to an escort message board is a bit like an alcoholic going into a bar to ask his drinking buddies for advice.

 

I do understand that this is not a topic that "Dear Abby" would select to address in her column. But perhaps you could consult a therapist or couple's counselor for advice. This is a matter of honesty and trust. Therefore, it's not that different from the problems that any couple might deal with.

 

I just feel that if you are determined to preserve your relationship with your partner, one of the things you should be able to tell him is that you have given up all contact with the escort scene.

 

Make a clean break of this and tell your partner that this episode in your life is over.

 

Best of luck.

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Guest gr8guy

Michael:

 

All the other posters have given you valuable and thoughtful advice. However, may I add that perhaps you should not be turning to this forum at all. Coming to an escort message board is a bit like an alcoholic going into a bar to ask his drinking buddies for advice.

 

I do understand that this is not a topic that "Dear Abby" would select to address in her column. But perhaps you could consult a therapist or couple's counselor for advice. This is a matter of honesty and trust. Therefore, it's not that different from the problems that any couple might deal with.

 

I just feel that if you are determined to preserve your relationship with your partner, one of the things you should be able to tell him is that you have given up all contact with the escort scene.

 

Make a clean break of this and tell your partner that this episode in your life is over.

 

Best of luck.

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Guest RODD 9

Michael,

 

You are experiencing what I suspect MANY of us who use this site fear the most. I am in a relationship and use escorts, bookstores etc. Perhaps I am kidding myself, but I feel this helps the relationship keep going. Sex in a relationship becomes a very small part of the deal as time marches foreward, at least for me. The side thrill takes care of that most primitive need we have.

 

Of course, all bets may be off when I get caught. I do not think that it is possible to give it up. Hope you can figure out your situation.

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Guest RODD 9

Michael,

 

You are experiencing what I suspect MANY of us who use this site fear the most. I am in a relationship and use escorts, bookstores etc. Perhaps I am kidding myself, but I feel this helps the relationship keep going. Sex in a relationship becomes a very small part of the deal as time marches foreward, at least for me. The side thrill takes care of that most primitive need we have.

 

Of course, all bets may be off when I get caught. I do not think that it is possible to give it up. Hope you can figure out your situation.

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LAST EDITED ON Aug-12-00 AT 11:19AM (EST)[p]I think this is an honest post, and one that worries me also. I don't have a lot of experience yet, but I do like the anonymity thing of occasional escorts. I worry that indulging is also insulting any partner with whom I might be involved. Although I also feel that it is completely separate than my love for a partner. Is this common? It seems to be something many escorts involved in relationships handle quite well.

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