I'm Partially Passing Over Passover

[+ Gar1eth]

I've pretty much always loved the family get together (The Seder) at Passover except possibly as a child when I thought we'd never get to the point in the Maxwell House Haggadah where the "Festive Meal" takes place.

 

(Note: There are many Passover Haggadahs. The one my family always used was one compiled by Maxwell House Coffee-originally put out in 1932 as a marketing promotion).

 

This year the Seder is going to be-as it usually has been for over the last 20 years- at my oldest cousin's house. She's a bit of an overachiever. While our seders have been large in the past, my mother has said this one may have somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 people attending. Probably 3/4 of the people present will be family. The others attending will be friends.

 

Of those attending the Seder-my immediate family consists of my Mom, my brother and his wife, and my sister. Each of my siblings has two children. All 4 of them are married. And my mother has 4 great-grandchildren ranging in age from 3 to 8. There is also a great-granddaughter yet in the womb who is set to join the family next month.

 

And then there is me -ok for the grammar purists -there is I. And I, while feeling somewhat guilty about it, am seriously considering calling in sick and not going.

 

On one hand it's an odd choice for me to make because as I stated at the beginning, I like Passover. And I don't mind crowds. The fact that there may be 40 something people present doesn't really bother me. And for the most part, I love -or at the very least am fond of -my family.

 

But, and it's really not just Passover, it's any large family gathering-I feel I don't fit in. I'm the only one of my generation or the the generation above me to never be married. And now even the majority of the generation after me are married-many with children of their own-when I've never even really dated or been in a relationship. I'm the only one whose gay-and I'm not sure how many of the family know for sure. Most probably suspect. But the only ones I've come out to are my sibs and my Mom.

 

It was different when I was younger. Not everyone in my generation was married. And then even when they were, well I didn't mind too much. But I guess it started bothering me more when the next generation after mine started getting married and having children.

 

On top of that is the loss of my career. I'm almost surely never going to recover from that or find anything even comparable. It's been 8-1/2 years now. I've been able to find some odd jobs. But even with those I've required assistance to survive.

 

All the next generation are doing really well with their careers. And I guess I'm envious. They have so much to look forward to in their lives. I don't really have anything to look forward to. I have a dead end job. The hours pretty much preclude me from meeting anyone. I don't have a lot of interest in meeting anyone. Even if I met someone I have no real money to do anything.And this isn't just depression. Or say it is- if it were and were treated-the only thing it might change is me wanting to meet people. It wouldn't change the fact that I really don't have time, don't have any real interests that would prove interesting to anyone, and have no money to do anything even if I met someone.

 

But back to the family Seder-I go-and I'm alone in the middle of family. It's not that it's suddenly this way. It's been this way for years. I could even tolerate. I'm just less willing to do so.

 

To keep family harmony, I won't be able to tell the truth. Luckily, I say luckily, my Myasthenia Gravis has been acting up for the last 3 months. One of the symptoms is I'm chronically short of breath. The severity comes and goes. But I've already missed one family party because of it.

 

And I won't miss Passover completely. My Mom will not like that I won't be there. But she'll have my siblings there. And on the second night, the retirement community where my Mom lives is having a second night Seder. My Mom, my 92 year old uncle, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, my sister, one niece, and her husband will be there. I'll plan to go to that one.

 

Gman

Edited April 19, 2019 by Gar1eth

[instudiocity]

Sorry, for MY lack of compassion, but, GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!

 

Those who are important to you, love you no matter WHAT/WHO/IF you are!

Those who might judge you, still have to reconcile their genetic bonds to you, so let them figure that out, if they can, in what’s left of yours and/or their lifetimes.

 

Don’t allow anything to hinder you from joy nor your celebration of LIFE/LIVING!

 

Just my 2¢.

[+ Gar1eth]

Sorry, for MY lack of compassion, but, GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY!

 

Those who are important to you, love you no matter WHAT/WHO/IF you are!

Those who might judge you, still have to reconcile their genetic bonds to you, so let them figure that out, if they can, in what’s left of yours and/or their lifetimes.

 

Don’t allow anything to hinder you from joy nor your celebration of LIFE/LIVING!

 

Just my 2¢.

 

It's not them. It's me. It's depressing to be there alone among the many. When I had a career and had money, I almost never (until I started hiring escorts) traveled to 'destinations' for vacation because it was depressing being somewhere alone when everyone else (or most people) were there with someone else.

 

And having failed in my career makes things even worse. I don't have a lot to look forward to in life. On a personal level I've failed. And on a societal level I'm a Darwinian dead end who, if I went, would be surrounded by those with a stake in the future. Maybe being alone among the many doesn't bother some of you out there. But it bothers the heck out of me.

 

And it's not like this is the one chance for me to see my mother. I see her quite frequently. I spent the night at her apartment last Saturday. And I'll be spending (unless something unexpected intervenes) the second Seder with her.

 

Gman

[+ sniper]

Did you really fail in your career or was your career ended by your illness? You didn't get to do something you wanted to do. That's really not that uncommon. I think it's probably a good exercise to try to look forward to the things you can still do and think about it that way. Certainly easier said than done, but bailing on it seems like it's reinforcing your negative thought patterns. I don't mean to diminish your problems here, I'm just trying to think out what practically you can do. Your disease isn't going to go away, nor is it going to strike you down soon it seems, so you need to figure out how to make the most of what you are working with.

As for the dead-end question - my sister is in a nursing home with a degenerative disease. She has a husband and kids. They see her like a couple of times a YEAR. Don't assume having your own immediate descendants would have been better. There are things worse than having no kids. Like having bad ones.

[alkan]

As someone who has spent a large part of the past thirty years avoiding large scale social interactions, I am the last person whose advice I myself would listen to. Nevertheless, how about thinking of it not in terms of what you would get from attending, but instead what you could bring to it? You could set some quite limited goals for example, by aiming to say something particular to each person there that you are fond of, mentioning something that you admire them for, or reviving a happy memory, something to bring them each at least a momentary smile. You might also aim to leave after a set amount of time if this is possible.

[Gadfly22]

Those who are important to you, love you no matter WHAT/WHO/IF you are!

Those who might judge you, still have to reconcile their genetic bonds to you,

I take it you don't come from an Italian family.

[+ FreshFluff]

Gman, I wish I could help. The only thing I can say is that your family menbers’ Opinions of you are largely set. I doubt that anything they learn tonight would change that.

 

As someone who has spent a large part of the past thirty years avoiding large scale social interactions, I am the last person whose advice I myself would listen to. Nevertheless, how about thinking of it not in terms of what you would get from attending, but instead what you could bring to it? You could set some quite limited goals for example, by aiming to say something particular to each person there that you are fond of, mentioning something that you admire them for, or reviving a happy memory, something to bring them each at least a momentary smile. You might also aim to leave after a set amount of time if this is possible.

 

I too am not that excited about tomorrow, though for different reasons. Your post made me think of the situation from a different perspective.

[+ WilliamM]

@Gar1eth, you extraordinarily well liked here. And seen as one of the most important members.

 

William

[gersonides]

We were strangers in the Land of Egypt. That's the point. Don't be a stranger. In my family, we offer our own plagues. Maybe offer one yourself. Our plagues run the gambit from political to personal. Maybe next year, go to the Keshet Seder in Jerusalem. It's a great place to meet a nice Jewish boy!

[+ Gar1eth]

Gman, I wish I could help. The only thing I can say is that your family menbers’ Opinions of you are largely set. I doubt that anything they learn tonight would change that.

 

 

 

I too am not that excited about tomorrow, though for different reasons. Your post made me think of the situation from a different perspective.

 

 

I may have given a wrong impression. I don't anticipate any change in the way my family views me. This not wanting to go is ALL ME!!

 

I used to love family get togethers when I was younger. But now, seeing everyone being married, knowing I'm never going to be married, never be a father (although I would have been a lousy one), never be a grandfather...

 

And with all those in my generation involved with their spouses, their children, or grandchildren, and the generation after me concerned with their spouses and children, and the children either being concerned with each other, their parents, or grandparents-I'm alone-albeit alone while still being in the bosom of my family.

 

And then there's my downward mobility to consider. The situation causes me to be sick at my stomach. The only saving grace is that it doesn't happen as much as it used to.

 

Because of the aloneness I feel- the feeling of not fitting in- in the middle of my family plus my feelings of failure (but to be honest my feelings of aloneness 1st occurred even before my loss of career), these days I find family gatherings for the most part depressing. I'm glad everyone there has their special someones. But not having one of my own/or my own family unit kills me. And the feelings have intensified over time as the likelihood of me ever having those things grows less and less.

 

 

Gman

[+ Gar1eth]

We were strangers in the Land of Egypt. That's the point. Don't be a stranger. In my family, we offer our own plagues. Maybe offer one yourself. Our plagues run the gambit from political to personal. Maybe next year, go to the Keshet Seder in Jerusalem. It's a great place to meet a nice Jewish boy!

 

I barely have enough money to buy gas in Dallas. A trip to Israel might as well be a space flight to the moon. To bad they didn't have Birthright Tours when I was young.

 

Gman

Edited April 19, 2019 by Gar1eth

[+ Gar1eth]

As it turns out, the decision is partially taken out of my hands. I've been brewing a cold since Tuesday. I've got a mild scratchy throat, mild cough, and runny nose. I don't have a fever. Among the 30 to 40 people present are going to be two pregnant women. I could still go and avoid breathing on people-especially my niece and my 1st cousin-once removed-in-law who are the two pregnant ones. But it's a ready made excuse, and I'll take it. The hosting cousin could even tell I was congested over the phone.

 

If I'm not worse, I'm going to try to make the second Seder at my Mom's retirement community on Saturday.

 

Gman

[Gadfly22]

I've pretty much always loved the family get together (The Seder) at Passover except possibly as a child when I thought we'd never get to the point in the Maxwell House Haggadah where the "Festive Meal" takes place.

 

(Note: There are many Passover Haggadahs. The one my family always used was one compiled by Maxwell House Coffee-originally put out in 1932 as a marketing promotion).

 

This year the Seder is going to be-as it usually has been for over the last 20 years- at my oldest cousin's house. She's a bit of an overachiever. While our seders have been large in the past, my mother has said this one may have somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 people attending. Probably 3/4 of the people present will be family. The others attending will be friends.

 

Of those attending the Seder-my immediate family consists of my Mom, my brother and his wife, and my sister. Each of my siblings has two children. All 4 of them are married. And my mother has 4 great-grandchildren ranging in age from 3 to 8. There is also a great-granddaughter yet in the womb who is set to join the family next month.

 

And then there is me -ok for the grammar purists -there is I. And I, while feeling somewhat guilty about it, am seriously considering calling in sick and not going.

 

On one hand it's an odd choice for me to make because as I stated at the beginning, I like Passover. And I don't mind crowds. The fact that there may be 40 something people present doesn't really bother me. And for the most part, I love -or at the very least am fond of -my family.

 

But, and it's really not just Passover, it's any large family gathering-I feel I don't fit in. I'm the only one of my generation or the the generation above me to never be married. And now even the majority of the generation after me are married-many with children of their own-when I've never even really dated or been in a relationship. I'm the only one whose gay-and I'm not sure how many of the family know for sure. Most probably suspect. But the only ones I've come out to are my sins and my Mom.

 

It was different when I was younger. Not everyone in my generation was married. And then even when they were, well I didn't mind too much. But I guess it started bothering me more when the next generation after mine started getting married and having children.

 

On top of that is the loss of my career. I'm almost surely never going to recover from that or find anything even comparable. It's been 8-1/2 years now. I've been able to find some odd jobs. But even with those I've required assistance to survive.

 

All the next generation are doing really well with their careers. And I guess I'm envious. They have so much to look forward to in their lives. I don't really have anything to look forward to. I have a dead end job. The hours pretty much preclude me from meeting anyone. I don't have a lot of interest in meeting anyone. Even if I met someone I have no real money to do anything.And this isn't just depression. Or say it is- if it were and were treated-the only thing it might change is me wanting to meet people. It wouldn't change the fact that I really don't have time, don't have any real interests that would prove interesting to anyone, and have no money to do anything even if I met someone.

 

But back to the family Seder-I go-and I'm alone in the middle of family. It's not that it's suddenly this way. It's been this way for years. I could even tolerate. I'm just less willing to do so.

 

To keep family harmony, I won't be able to tell the truth. Luckily, I say luckily, my Myasthenia Gravis has been acting up for the last 3 months. One of the symptoms is I'm chronically short of breath. The severity comes and goes. But I've already missed one family party because of it.

 

And I won't miss Passover completely. My Mom will not like that I won't be there. But she'll have my siblings there. And on the second night, the retirement community where my Mom lives is having a second night Seder. My Mom, my 92 year old uncle, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, my sister, one niece, and her husband will be there. I'll plan to go to that one.

 

Gman

Just wanted to clarify. I gave your post a like not because I take pleasure in your misfortune but because I thought it was extremely well written and relatable. Hope you feel better. Take care.

[marylander1940]

I've pretty much always loved the family get together (The Seder) at Passover except possibly as a child when I thought we'd never get to the point in the Maxwell House Haggadah where the "Festive Meal" takes place.

 

(Note: There are many Passover Haggadahs. The one my family always used was one compiled by Maxwell House Coffee-originally put out in 1932 as a marketing promotion).

 

This year the Seder is going to be-as it usually has been for over the last 20 years- at my oldest cousin's house. She's a bit of an overachiever. While our seders have been large in the past, my mother has said this one may have somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 people attending. Probably 3/4 of the people present will be family. The others attending will be friends.

 

Of those attending the Seder-my immediate family consists of my Mom, my brother and his wife, and my sister. Each of my siblings has two children. All 4 of them are married. And my mother has 4 great-grandchildren ranging in age from 3 to 8. There is also a great-granddaughter yet in the womb who is set to join the family next month.

 

And then there is me -ok for the grammar purists -there is I. And I, while feeling somewhat guilty about it, am seriously considering calling in sick and not going.

 

On one hand it's an odd choice for me to make because as I stated at the beginning, I like Passover. And I don't mind crowds. The fact that there may be 40 something people present doesn't really bother me. And for the most part, I love -or at the very least am fond of -my family.

 

But, and it's really not just Passover, it's any large family gathering-I feel I don't fit in. I'm the only one of my generation or the the generation above me to never be married. And now even the majority of the generation after me are married-many with children of their own-when I've never even really dated or been in a relationship. I'm the only one whose gay-and I'm not sure how many of the family know for sure. Most probably suspect. But the only ones I've come out to are my sibs and my Mom.

 

It was different when I was younger. Not everyone in my generation was married. And then even when they were, well I didn't mind too much. But I guess it started bothering me more when the next generation after mine started getting married and having children.

 

On top of that is the loss of my career. I'm almost surely never going to recover from that or find anything even comparable. It's been 8-1/2 years now. I've been able to find some odd jobs. But even with those I've required assistance to survive.

 

All the next generation are doing really well with their careers. And I guess I'm envious. They have so much to look forward to in their lives. I don't really have anything to look forward to. I have a dead end job. The hours pretty much preclude me from meeting anyone. I don't have a lot of interest in meeting anyone. Even if I met someone I have no real money to do anything.And this isn't just depression. Or say it is- if it were and were treated-the only thing it might change is me wanting to meet people. It wouldn't change the fact that I really don't have time, don't have any real interests that would prove interesting to anyone, and have no money to do anything even if I met someone.

 

But back to the family Seder-I go-and I'm alone in the middle of family. It's not that it's suddenly this way. It's been this way for years. I could even tolerate. I'm just less willing to do so.

 

To keep family harmony, I won't be able to tell the truth. Luckily, I say luckily, my Myasthenia Gravis has been acting up for the last 3 months. One of the symptoms is I'm chronically short of breath. The severity comes and goes. But I've already missed one family party because of it.

 

And I won't miss Passover completely. My Mom will not like that I won't be there. But she'll have my siblings there. And on the second night, the retirement community where my Mom lives is having a second night Seder. My Mom, my 92 year old uncle, his girlfriend, my brother, his wife, my sister, one niece, and her husband will be there. I'll plan to go to that one.

 

Gman

 

Thank you for sharing!

 

You may not be the most prosperous but you could always be a good uncle and great uncle helping your family when it’s needed.

 

I’m sure some forum members are not being invited to hang out with their families, consider yourself lucky because they love you!