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deej

By + deej
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deej Grand Master

+ deej

Posted
Posted

Since it has now been declared inappropriate to pass on jokes that you have not originally authored without appropriate notice in advance, I am hereby telling you that I am passing on a joke that I did not author.

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deej Grand Master

+ deej

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The Glug Maker

 

One day, long, long ago, a young man decided to pursue a military career. His preference from the three services was the Air Force. When he went to the recruiting office, the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade.

 

"I am a Glugmaker", the young man replied. The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of aviation trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. "I'm sorry" he said to the young man, "we don't appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment, why don't you try the Army or the Navy?”

 

So the young man, disappointed at the news, went around to the Army recruiting office. The recruiting officer asked him if he had a profession or trade, to which the young man replied "I am a Glugmaker". The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of Army trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. “I’m sorry" he said to the young man," we don't appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment, why don't you try the Air force or the Navy?”

 

"I've already tried the Air Force" said the young man, by this time feeling very exasperated,” I guess I'll have to try the Navy”, and off he went to the Navy recruiting office. When he arrived, the officer in charge asked him if he had a profession or trade.

 

For the third time he responded, “I am a Glugmaker" The officer, who had never heard of a Glugmaker, looked up his book of naval trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. Not wanting to appear a fool in front of a civilian for not knowing what a Glugmaker was, he decided to call his superior for advice. Unfortunately, his superior also did not know what a Glugmaker was and so he told the recruiting officer to advise the young man to try one of the other forces.

 

"But I have already tried them both and they do not have any vacancies" said the young man,” it’s a very specialized trade you know" On hearing this, the officer decided, just in case, to contact his superior again. On learning of the very specialized nature of Glugmaking, the superior, who was only a Captain, decided to take the matter to an even higher level. In the meantime, he instructed the recruitment officer to send the young man away until they had obtained further advice from higher echelons of the Navy. The young man, after leaving his name, addresses and telephone number, returned to his home to await further developments.

 

Meanwhile, the Navy Captain, who was looking to further his career, organized a team to investigate what a Glugmaker did. His team could not, however, find any records of Glugmaking in any of their files. He telephoned one of his acquaintances in the Air Force to see if he could obtain the information, but, when he asked, the acquaintance, never having heard of a Glugmaker and not wanting to seem stupid, replied "I'm very sorry, but that is classified information and so I am not allowed to tell you"

 

Feeling by now very desperate, the Captain called another acquaintance in the Air Force. Again, when he asked the question, he received the same reply "I'm sorry, but that is classified information and I am not allowed to tell you"

 

With that, the Captain decided that he would really have to take the matter to higher authorities. He called his superior, a Vice Admiral and explained about the Glugmaker wanting to enlist and how he could not find out what a Glugmaker did. The Vice Admiral, not wanting to be bothered with what he considered to be a trivial matter, said to the Captain, "Why don't you send him away to the Army or Air Force recruitment centre and get rid of him?”

 

The Captain explained that the Glugmaker had already tried both of the other forces and found that they did not have any vacancies. On hearing this, the Vice Admiral replied "Well, if they don't want him, why should we take him?”

 

The Captain then told the Vice Admiral of his calls to his associates in the Army and Air Force. "When I called them" he said, they both told me that information about Glugmakers was classified and that they could not tell me anything about it" "The Glugmaker also told me that his was a very specialized trade" he added, "The Army and the Air Force obviously must already have one and so don't need another and that is why they sent him to us" On hearing this, the Vice Admiral responded "Well, if they already have one, and the trade is so specialized, why don't we have one?"

 

The Captain of course, did not have an answer to this and could only apologise to the Vice Admiral for his lack of knowledge.” Should I contact the Glugmaker and sign him up?" he said. The Vice Admiral, being very careful of his position, replied "Not yet, I will have to run this past the Admiral of the fleet before we make a final decision"

 

The next day, the Vice Admiral called the Admiral of the fleet and told him the whole story. The Admiral, who considered that the Navy was the cream of the armed forces, willingly agreed with the Vice Admiral that the Navy should have it's own Glugmaker, so much so that he instructed the Vice Admiral to not only recruit the Glugmaker, but to base him exclusively on the pride of the fleet, the Admiral's own battleship. The Vice Admiral called the Captain, who, in turn, called the recruiting officer and instructed him to enlist the Glugmaker as soon as possible and have him report to the Admiral's vessel with all his equipment. The recruiting officer contacted the Glugmaker and advised him of the good news.

 

A few days later, after the Glugmaker had been enlisted and issued with his kit, he turned up at the wharf together with a very large truck. "Glugmaker reporting for duty, sir" he said to the officer of the watch. "Welcome aboard" said the officer, "We have been expecting you, what do you have in the truck?" "That is all my gear and equipment" replied the Glugmaker, "I will need some help getting it on board" The officer arranged a work party to carry all the equipment aboard and stow it in a lower hold, the only place large enough to hold all the gear.

 

The next day, the battleship left port for sea maneuvers and, once safely at sea, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge. "Now, Glugmaker, when are you going to start work?" he said. "I will have to start right away" said the Glugmaker. "It is very time consuming and I must have complete privacy until everything is ready"

 

The Admiral instructed all his officers to make sure that the Glugmaker had everything he needed, a spacious area to work, and told them to ensure that the Glugmaker had complete privacy.

 

With that, the Glugmaker departed to the lower hold where his equipment had been stored and began work.

 

For the next few days, except for a few occasions when he sent for the odd tool or two, or maybe some additional materials, nothing was seen of the Glugmaker except at meal times. He kept hard at work and didn’t even issue progress reports.

 

After he had been working for a week, the Admiral called him once again to the bridge. "How is your work going down there?" he asked. "Very well indeed sir" replied the Glugmaker. "Well, when are we going to see some results?" asked the Admiral. "It's difficult to say at the moment sir" replied the Glugmaker, "but it should not be too much longer" The Glugmaker then returned to work.

 

Another week went by and by this time the Admiral was becoming quite upset by the delay and so, once again, he called the Glugmaker to the bridge.” Look here my man, this Glugmaking has been going on for far too long, when it is going to be finished?" he said. The Glugmaker replied "Just a couple more days sir, and then it will be ready" "Very well" said the Admiral, "I will give you until Thursday at 1700 hours to complete your task"

 

"Oh, I promise it will be completed by then sir" replied the Glugmaker, and then returned to work.

 

He worked far into the night for the next two days to ensure that his work would be finished on time.

 

At 1700 hours on the Wednesday, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge once again and asked him if his work was finished. "Yes sir" the Glugmaker replied, "It is at last finished and ready to be put into action"

 

"What do you need then" asked the Admiral. "All I need for the next few hours sir, is a work crew to help bring the equipment on deck and assemble it, we could then have a demonstration first thing in the morning when it will be daylight" replied the Glugmaker.

 

The Admiral arranged for the work party and the Glugmaker led them into the hold to start work.

 

The first piece that was brought onto deck was an enormous box, which the Glugmaker very carefully had set in place and aligned exactly in the centre of the deck. The next piece was a box of similar design but a little smaller which was placed on top of the first box, again exactly in the centre.

 

All through the night, the work crew kept bringing up boxes, each one a little smaller than the previous one and all of which were stacked onto each other, exactly in the centre.

 

At about 0500 in the morning, the Glugmaker said “O.K. crew, that’s the final one, let’s knock off and get some sleep before daylight when we have the demonstration" With a sigh of relief, they all went to their bunks where they fell asleep immediately.

 

When daybreak came, the Glugmaker was awoken and told to report to the Admiral. When he reported, the Admiral asked him if he was ready for the demonstration. The Glugmaker replied, "Well sir, I would appreciate some breakfast first as the crew and I worked all night getting things ready". The Admiral agreed and ordered the Glugmaker to report an hour later, ready to go to work.

 

An hour later, feeling much refreshed after a hearty breakfast, the Glugmaker reported once more to the Admiral. "Well sir”, he said, “Everything seems to be in order and I am ready to go" "At last" said the Admiral "We have waited a long time for this, what do we need to do now?”

 

"To take full advantage of this" said the Glugmaker, "I need every member of the crew, with the exception of people who cannot really leave their posts, assembled on deck to await instructions"

 

The Admiral issued the order to have all non critical personnel assemble on the deck near the structure built by the Glugmaker and, when they were assembled, he and the Glugmaker went to the assembled crew. The Glugmaker addressed the crew and explained what was needed to be done when he gave the order. "Immediately when the order is given" said the Glugmaker, " I will need the entire crew to run right around the deck from stem to stern, until the order is given to halt" He emphasized the criticality of all personnel starting and stopping at the same time until he was satisfied that the crew fully understood.

 

Finally, he turned to the Admiral and said "Sir, would you do the honors and give the order?" The Admiral gave the order and the crew immediately started running around the deck. Once he was satisfied with the speed of the runners, the Glugmaker went to the stern of the ship and, taking out a hole saw, he cut a hole right in the centre of the stern scuppers. When he was satisfied with the size and smoothness of the hole, he went to the base of the structure he had erected the previous night and began to climb.

 

Up and up he went until he got to the very top. Pausing there, he surveyed the length and breadth of the ship and the crew running around the deck.

 

Satisfied with their progress, he reached into his pocket and took out a golf ball. With great care, he placed it on top of the highest box in the structure which was just the right size to enable the Glugmaker to balance the golf ball on the top.

 

Returning to the deck where the Admiral was waiting, he once more surveyed the situation.

 

Due to the number of crew running around the deck, the ship was developing quite a roll, obviously caused by the weight of the crew as they went from one side of the ship to the other. The roll caused the towering structure to move from side to side and the golf ball at the very top to roll around on the very topmost box. When the ball had developed a smooth roll, the Glugmaker turned to the Admiral and said,” Sir, on the count of three, please order the crew to halt". "Very well”, said the Admiral. At that, the Glugmaker counted, "One, Two, And Three". At the count of three, the Admiral, in his loudest voice, called "Halt". The crew, being extremely well disciplined, came to an immediate stop, all on one side of the ship.

 

This caused the ship to list all to the one side and of course, the towering structure also leaned to the same side.

 

With the crew coming to such a sudden stop, and because of the list to one side, the golf ball, which had been smoothly rolling around the top of the uppermost box, suddenly popped over the rim of the box and started bouncing down the tower. Down and down it came, bouncing from one level to the other until it reached the deck. Once on the deck, because of the angle of the deck, the golf ball ran straight into the scuppers and started rolling towards the stern. Everyone's gaze was fixed on the golf ball as they watched it gather speed. It rolled and rolled until it reached the very stern and, because of the hole that the Glugmaker had made, it shot straight out over the sea. Out and out it went until, because of its lack of speed and the law of gravity, it fell down, down, down into the sea and went ...............GLUG!

Guest zipperzone

Guest zipperzone

Posted
Posted

G R O A N

 

People have been shot for less.

 

I can't believe you took the time to type all this.

Guest skrubber

Guest skrubber

Posted
Posted

I hope that was copied and pasted.

deej Grand Master

+ deej

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>G R O A N

>

>People have been shot for less.

 

Heh! I posted a warning. ;-)

 

>I can't believe you took the time to type all this.

 

Copy/paste from an email, actually.

AdamSmith Grand Master

AdamSmith

Posted
Posted

Caution – retributory highjack ahead...

 

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? Endless love.

 

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants? So you can read her lips.

 

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls.

 

Why can't Helen Keller jump out of an airplane? It scares the shit out of her dog.

 

Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going?

 

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.

 

What was Helen Keller's favorite book? "Around the Block in 80 Days"

deej Grand Master

+ deej

Posted
  • Author
Posted

He made me do it!

 

Units of measure:

 

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 thousand thousand microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Lookin Grand Master

Lookin

Posted
Posted

Here's a lesson on how to get on and off quick, from a master.

 

 

When he was around 90, Billy Wilder was presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. He gets an ovation. He accepts the award, and promises to keep his speech short. Here it is:

 

 

An elderly man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks him what’s wrong. The man says, “I can’t pee.”

 

The doctor asks him how old he is. The man says, “90 years old.”

 

The doctor says, “You’ve peed enough.”

 

 

Wilder sat down while everyone was still laughing.

AdamSmith Grand Master

AdamSmith

Posted
Posted

RE: Urinal joke alert

 

>Where DO you find this stuff?! :7

 

Just pick it up along the way... :+

 

...never know when you might need one!

 

(Dare I say -- you should see my closet!)

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