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I profoundly disappointed @Benjamin_Nicholas that you didn’t take your own advise. So here:
 
”I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.”

This whole thread should have a sub-thread of just Dorothy Parker quotes.
 
No one did urban foibles quite like her.

On the music of Richard Wagner:
“It’s not as bad as it sounds.”
-Mark Twain
 
I don’t agree with him but this is still funny.

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”
- Groucho Marx

He's your guy, when stocks are high, but beware when they start to descend.
????

“I sometimes think God in creating man overestimated His ability.”
-Oscar Wilde

What are some of your favorites? I’m partial to a great many — some of mine are:
 
“The wicked envy and hate; it is their way of admiring.” -Victor Hugo
 
“No man made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do little.” -Edmund Burke
 
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” -J.K. Rowling by way of Albus Dumbledore
 
“Fas est et ab hoste doceri.” (Right it is to be taught by an enemy/a wise man may seek good counsel even from a foe.) -Ovid

I’m digging the enjambment.

Any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Happy birthday to Lawrence Ferlinghetti. He’s 101 years of age today.
 

Hmm. This reminds me of:
 
“To never have been born may be the greatest boon of all.”
 
-Sophocles

An order, not a request:
 
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.latimes.com/california/story/2020-03-19/gavin-newsom-california-1-billion-federal-aid-coronavirus%3f_amp=true

Pretty well-known:
 
“Religion is the opiate of the masses.”
 
-Karl Marx

A wire sent to a club:
“Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”
-Groucho Marx

Al Jolson’s wedding night with his second wife. They arrived at the motel and the proprietor looked at his wife and said to Al “sir, what arrangements would you like for your daughter” To which Al replied “What do you mean? That’s not my daughter she’s too young.”

Vaguely on the same theme:
“Eternal life? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”
-Quentin Crisp

“If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.” ― Lorne Michaels