hopehawk

My worst massage ever was done by a guy who has been discussed in the forums here, and while I fortunately was not treated to "aromatherapy" (truly vile story), it was terrible in several of the ways mentioned in other posts, and a few different ways.
 
To start, the guy lives at the back of a large apartment complex, and it seems that on this particular day- every single one of his neighbors was out and about in the courtyard area. To avoid seeming totally awkward I said hello politely as I made my way through the common area, this caused him to scold me as soon as we were in his apartment. "MY NEIGHBORS DON'T KNOW I DO MASSAGES!". Whoa, dude. I just said hello to a couple old ladies.
 
To get to his "studio" you have to pass through a few other rooms of the apartment. While it was the middle of the day seemingly every curtain was drawn, all the lights were off, and my eyes had not fully adjusted so it was a little like being in a haunted maze. What I could not miss was the smell. (On my way out with my eyes more used to the dark I could see the reason was piles of clothes on the floor in the hallway, and unclean dishes piled in the sink, on the counter, and on the table.)
 
The massage itself was TERRIBLE. (This is where I suspect a few of you will know exactly which masseur I am talking about if you haven't already guessed.) He used a heavily perfumed lotion, and way too much of it. The lotion was ice cold, squeezed right out of the bottle, including the little farting noise an almost empty bottle of lotion makes. It felt like he was barely touching me, sort of a cold, wet fish flopping around on my back. He was nude and kept putting his more than ample cock into my hand as I was face down, but he would squirt gobs of this grandmotherly lotion in my hand before doing that. It was something akin to trying to grab an eel. Throughout the massage his phone kept getting text messages which would interrupt the music. He apologized, but said he couldn't turn it off because of the "massage cream" on his hands.
 
When we finally got to me flipping over I was able to see the "massage cream" was dollar store lotion (April Bath - compare to Bath & Body Works!) and he had a few back-up bottles, he was just trying to really get every drop out of the current one, so there was an elaborate pattern of shaking the bottle, squeezing it until it sputtered out freezing cold goop on me, repeat, repeat, repeat. While I was facing upwards he stayed pretty far away from the table so I wouldn't be able to touch his dick. Nevertheless I was hard (I almost always am) and though he commented on my size, he avoided going anywhere near my cock until the last minute of the massage when he tried to rather robotically speed-pump a load out of me, while keeping his eyes closed and his body far from the table. I told him it was all good and I would finish myself off at home.
 
When I asked for a towel to try to get some of the thick layer of goop off of my skin he provided a roll of paper towels. As I was getting dressed he tried to make cheery chit-chat, I guess in the hopes of earning a tip. I literally could not get dressed fast enough. I left him the money and he walked me out, but not before warning me not to talk to his neighbors. He followed up with a text about 30 minutes later saying he was "so happy" to meet me and looked forward to our next session. No thanks, man. I'm all good.

He should have a cup asking for donations as payment. Really?

Yep. Nice guy, nice place, good massage.

Don't assume everything in NYC is UPMARKET just because the rent is high. There is also a LOT of competition. $250 is the going rate for most services from most worthy providers. The numbers beyond are all hype and sensation...an orgasm is an orgasm. $ 150 more doesn't make it last any longer or make it any better.

Couple recent chicago experiences I thought I'd share.
 
Saw Bigman again. https://www.masseurfinder.com/members/bigmanbodywork2.shtml
 
- Rate continues to be the best for a massage with HE. The massage is decent, but the ending was really memorable. Gave me something to think about during future j/o sessions. I do recommend this masseur highly.
 
Other masseur goes by Kyle. https://www.masseurfinder.com/members/guynexdoor.shtml
 
- So, let me preface my review by saying the guy is nice and actually has a great technique. That said, I made a little small talk very early just to break the ice and this guy took it and ran. He talked nonstop throughout the entire experience including....
-Mentioning his anxiety and that he has a therapist.
- Discussing his escort past
- Talking about his plans to write a book detailing some of his masseur experiences.
- Asking if I have single gay friends with a similar body type.
 
FFS guy. That is way too much unsolicited information--I just met you. Also, the ask about single friends was super uncomfortable. The cherry on top was that the mutual touch was really unexciting as he just wasn't "excited". Again, it's a shame because his massage technique is on point but his talking distracted him from the task at hand and I couldn't get a mental break. Really wanted this one to be a winner as his proximity to me is so close, but I cannot recommend this guy based on this experience.

Since a masseuse is a woman, I'm guessing the answer is "under 1%."

Couple recent chicago experiences I thought I'd share.
 
Saw Bigman again. https://www.masseurfinder.com/members/bigmanbodywork2.shtml
 
- Rate continues to be the best for a massage with HE. The massage is decent, but the ending was really memorable. Gave me something to think about during future j/o sessions. I do recommend this masseur highly.
 
Other masseur goes by Kyle. https://www.masseurfinder.com/members/guynexdoor.shtml
 
- So, let me preface my review by saying the guy is nice and actually has a great technique. That said, I made a little small talk very early just to break the ice and this guy took it and ran. He talked nonstop throughout the entire experience including....
-Mentioning his anxiety and that he has a therapist.
- Discussing his escort past
- Talking about his plans to write a book detailing some of his masseur experiences.
- Asking if I have single gay friends with a similar body type.
 
FFS guy. That is way too much unsolicited information--I just met you. Also, the ask about single friends was super uncomfortable. The cherry on top was that the mutual touch was really unexciting as he just wasn't "excited". Again, it's a shame because his massage technique is on point but his talking distracted him from the task at hand and I couldn't get a mental break. Really wanted this one to be a winner as his proximity to me is so close, but I cannot recommend this guy based on this experience.

Long time ago, I was working temporarily in another city, so I wanted to find a masseur and schedule some regular sessions. First appointment was with a guy who lived near a major university. Studio was on the 4th floor of a large apartment house. Climbed dozens of stairs to get there. Dude opens the door, invites me to sit down for the "interview". Asks me what my favorite Disney character is (wtf?) and do I like unicorns. Not making this up. Then we move to the bedroom - no table, just a bed - and I disrobe and stretch out. He turns out the lights, and switches on a thousand tiny little Christmas lights, cranks up the music (Fantasia?) and he begins to hum along. Holy shit. Then he starts rubbing my backside, a little. Then I feel something cool - so I ask what's he doing? Baby powder, he says. Johnson's baby powder. Seriously? His humming turns to singing, the incense is getting strong, and I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get out of this. Then he starts asking if I want spanked, or a little whipping? Uh, S&M ain't my thing. I'm sure I could have whipped HIS ass, but thought better of it. My pants were close by, and so was my cellphone. I grabbed it and faked receiving a call, told him it was an emergency and had to leave. He starts getting all weird. His fee was $60 (that should have told me something) and I said that I'd give him 40 now, and come back later for the rest. He agreed, but insisted on giving me a big hug before I left. Grabbed the rest of my gear and flew down the stairs. "my, oh my, what a wonderful day" was still ringing in my ears.

This thread made my night. Dimitri's story and the Helen Keller joke in particular.
 
My worst experience was also my most recent one. A masseur who goes by NakedBearRub3 on A4A agreed to meet me later the same day for a massage. We agreed on $100.00 for the massage. I arrived about ten minutes early which he didn't mind. He led me downstairs to his massage table which was a bed with a paper thin sheet on it (red flag). He massaged me for about 5 minutes and then I was asked to flip over. He proceeded to the HE portion of the massage which concluded before the original time we even agreed upon. I was able to clean up briefly, but noting that only about 10 minutes had passed I asked for more massage. He was like "I guess, usually people just go after that part." So after at most 5 more minutes of massage he goes for HE number two. It doesn't happen. Still in the refractory period. I ask if he could just massage a while longer, but nope about 25 minutes in he's throwing in the towel. As I go to dress, he is literally guarding the door like I'm going to make a break for it. I politely asked if $80 would be acceptable given the extremely short duration of the massage and he responds "Nope, you finished twice, my clock is fast, I do 45 minutes, $100." I didn't, which he would know if he spent less time watching the clock and it wasn't even close to 45 minutes. Will never get a massage again from someone who is solely on A4A with no other reviews/website.

While thats never happened to me in a massage, one of my worst escort sessions was something similar. I had a guy in LV, start with 3 minutes of seductive undressing, a tiny bit of body contact, and then reach for my dick and start jerking away with more passion than Ma Kettle churning butter. And in a bizarre turn of paid session events, I was actually squirming, pushing, wrestling and scolding him to leave my dick alone. He was not to be deterred. I came in 10 minutes, he hopped up, got dressed in a flash, had grabbed the fee I'd left out and was moving towards the door. I complained, and he acted genuinely surprised, citing "sessions over when you cum".. stayed and conversed for a while, but contact was finished.
 
I chatted about it online, and had others share that it was a fairly common scam. (Back then - late 90s.) Somewhere, the bad guys, get this idea in their crooked head that they can claim "delivery as promised" once the client achieves orgasm. And pursue a cheater's strategy of making it happen as quickly as possible.

This thread made my night. Dimitri's story and the Helen Keller joke in particular.
 
My worst experience was also my most recent one. A masseur who goes by NakedBearRub3 on A4A agreed to meet me later the same day for a massage. We agreed on $100.00 for the massage. I arrived about ten minutes early which he didn't mind. He led me downstairs to his massage table which was a bed with a paper thin sheet on it (red flag). He massaged me for about 5 minutes and then I was asked to flip over. He proceeded to the HE portion of the massage which concluded before the original time we even agreed upon. I was able to clean up briefly, but noting that only about 10 minutes had passed I asked for more massage. He was like "I guess, usually people just go after that part." So after at most 5 more minutes of massage he goes for HE number two. It doesn't happen. Still in the refractory period. I ask if he could just massage a while longer, but nope about 25 minutes in he's throwing in the towel. As I go to dress, he is literally guarding the door like I'm going to make a break for it. I politely asked if $80 would be acceptable given the extremely short duration of the massage and he responds "Nope, you finished twice, my clock is fast, I do 45 minutes, $100." I didn't, which he would know if he spent less time watching the clock and it wasn't even close to 45 minutes. Will never get a massage again from someone who is solely on A4A with no other reviews/website.

OK one more post...
These are not really worst experiences but a few oddities.
Photos of wife and children prominently displayed...Gee look who your Daddy is doing to this stranger.
Several taxidermy pets around the room....Very Norman bates.
Watching a reality show for the entirety of the massage.
Fashion show of every sparkly or leather outfit in his closet that he found sexy... I found them all ridiculous.
Going to a regular masseur who suddenly changed to a pitch dark room not even a candle. Maybe it was to experience the sensation of what a massage was like for Hellen Keller.