LOLO

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm not a health professional and can't offer recommendations per se, but can relay my experience with mental health struggles in the hope that it may spark something for you.
 
I was in a similar situation a few years ago in my mid-20s, and did a few things to pull myself out of the hole. Some of this may sound cliched, and I apologize if that's the case.
 
- started therapy and anti-depressants (as you are doing); it took me a while to find the combination that worked for me and didn't give me bad side effects
- physical fitness: I was out of shape and slovenly. Started making a point of going on walks for 10 minutes a day, which morphed into runs, which morphed into joining a group fitness class, where I met people and got in shape and gave myself a pretty good self-esteem boost (this process took about 2 years)
- started volunteering. I found the act of helping people less fortunate than myself to be powerful; it also helped me meet people
- started doing that thing where you write down 5 things you're grateful for every night (corny, I know)
- started being open about my mental health struggles in my real life, and it was surprising how many people were in the same boat, which helped me feel less alone
 
I don't know much about ketamine, but hear that it works pretty well. There's also apparently this thing called transcranial magnetic stimulation (not sure what that does) that was recently approved for depression (one of my best friends is a psychiatrist).
 
Finally, I hope you derive some small measure of comfort and happiness and community in knowing that there's a stranger out on the internet who's genuinely rooting for you. Take care.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm not a health professional and can't offer recommendations per se, but can relay my experience with mental health struggles in the hope that it may spark something for you.
 
I was in a similar situation a few years ago in my mid-20s, and did a few things to pull myself out of the hole. Some of this may sound cliched, and I apologize if that's the case.
 
- started therapy and anti-depressants (as you are doing); it took me a while to find the combination that worked for me and didn't give me bad side effects
- physical fitness: I was out of shape and slovenly. Started making a point of going on walks for 10 minutes a day, which morphed into runs, which morphed into joining a group fitness class, where I met people and got in shape and gave myself a pretty good self-esteem boost (this process took about 2 years)
- started volunteering. I found the act of helping people less fortunate than myself to be powerful; it also helped me meet people
- started doing that thing where you write down 5 things you're grateful for every night (corny, I know)
- started being open about my mental health struggles in my real life, and it was surprising how many people were in the same boat, which helped me feel less alone
 
I don't know much about ketamine, but hear that it works pretty well. There's also apparently this thing called transcranial magnetic stimulation (not sure what that does) that was recently approved for depression (one of my best friends is a psychiatrist).
 
Finally, I hope you derive some small measure of comfort and happiness and community in knowing that there's a stranger out on the internet who's genuinely rooting for you. Take care.

This once happened to me too, and it was pretty surprising and serendipitous and hot.
 
A couple years ago, I was in Maui for work. I had an afternoon off one day, and thought I'd get a massage because I was super sore from work and travel and stress and all that. My hotel had a spa/massage service, so I booked a massage for my room, with the sole goal of relaxing. I didn't even specify if I wanted a male or female therapist -- just had them send over whoever was available on short notice.
 
I hear a knock, and open the door, and there's this attractive blond guy wearing a blue polo and white shorts -- probably 6'1, wiry like a bicyclist, mid to late 30s. I idly thought "he's kinda hot," but was distracted by how sore I was, so nothing more. He set up his table, I got undressed, lay down on my front, and he put a blanket over me and started massaging.
 
It's a really good and deep massage, especially on my neck and shoulders, and I start to relax. To stretch me out, he keeps having me rest my hands on his outer thigh while pushing on my shoulder, but this doesn't strike me as unusual, especially since I'm still covered in a blanket. And then, one time he switches my hand position from his outer thigh to his inner thigh, and I notice he actually has placed my hand on his bare skin, just underneath his shorts. I kinda start to wonder if there's something going on, but it's still tough to be sure. He then goes back to massaging my neck and shoulders, and then goes to my other side. This time, when he stretches out my arm, he places it pretty high in between his two (muscular) thighs, and squeezes them together, making sure my forearm rubs against his crotch. I involuntarily moan a little, and then he lets go, and this time, as he goes around the table near my legs, I hear the unmistakable noise of his clothes hitting the floor, and the rest is pretty much history.
 
The hottest part of it was how completely unexpected it was.

This once happened to me too, and it was pretty surprising and serendipitous and hot.
 
A couple years ago, I was in Maui for work. I had an afternoon off one day, and thought I'd get a massage because I was super sore from work and travel and stress and all that. My hotel had a spa/massage service, so I booked a massage for my room, with the sole goal of relaxing. I didn't even specify if I wanted a male or female therapist -- just had them send over whoever was available on short notice.
 
I hear a knock, and open the door, and there's this attractive blond guy wearing a blue polo and white shorts -- probably 6'1, wiry like a bicyclist, mid to late 30s. I idly thought "he's kinda hot," but was distracted by how sore I was, so nothing more. He set up his table, I got undressed, lay down on my front, and he put a blanket over me and started massaging.
 
It's a really good and deep massage, especially on my neck and shoulders, and I start to relax. To stretch me out, he keeps having me rest my hands on his outer thigh while pushing on my shoulder, but this doesn't strike me as unusual, especially since I'm still covered in a blanket. And then, one time he switches my hand position from his outer thigh to his inner thigh, and I notice he actually has placed my hand on his bare skin, just underneath his shorts. I kinda start to wonder if there's something going on, but it's still tough to be sure. He then goes back to massaging my neck and shoulders, and then goes to my other side. This time, when he stretches out my arm, he places it pretty high in between his two (muscular) thighs, and squeezes them together, making sure my forearm rubs against his crotch. I involuntarily moan a little, and then he lets go, and this time, as he goes around the table near my legs, I hear the unmistakable noise of his clothes hitting the floor, and the rest is pretty much history.
 
The hottest part of it was how completely unexpected it was.

This once happened to me too, and it was pretty surprising and serendipitous and hot.
 
A couple years ago, I was in Maui for work. I had an afternoon off one day, and thought I'd get a massage because I was super sore from work and travel and stress and all that. My hotel had a spa/massage service, so I booked a massage for my room, with the sole goal of relaxing. I didn't even specify if I wanted a male or female therapist -- just had them send over whoever was available on short notice.
 
I hear a knock, and open the door, and there's this attractive blond guy wearing a blue polo and white shorts -- probably 6'1, wiry like a bicyclist, mid to late 30s. I idly thought "he's kinda hot," but was distracted by how sore I was, so nothing more. He set up his table, I got undressed, lay down on my front, and he put a blanket over me and started massaging.
 
It's a really good and deep massage, especially on my neck and shoulders, and I start to relax. To stretch me out, he keeps having me rest my hands on his outer thigh while pushing on my shoulder, but this doesn't strike me as unusual, especially since I'm still covered in a blanket. And then, one time he switches my hand position from his outer thigh to his inner thigh, and I notice he actually has placed my hand on his bare skin, just underneath his shorts. I kinda start to wonder if there's something going on, but it's still tough to be sure. He then goes back to massaging my neck and shoulders, and then goes to my other side. This time, when he stretches out my arm, he places it pretty high in between his two (muscular) thighs, and squeezes them together, making sure my forearm rubs against his crotch. I involuntarily moan a little, and then he lets go, and this time, as he goes around the table near my legs, I hear the unmistakable noise of his clothes hitting the floor, and the rest is pretty much history.
 
The hottest part of it was how completely unexpected it was.

This once happened to me too, and it was pretty surprising and serendipitous and hot.
 
A couple years ago, I was in Maui for work. I had an afternoon off one day, and thought I'd get a massage because I was super sore from work and travel and stress and all that. My hotel had a spa/massage service, so I booked a massage for my room, with the sole goal of relaxing. I didn't even specify if I wanted a male or female therapist -- just had them send over whoever was available on short notice.
 
I hear a knock, and open the door, and there's this attractive blond guy wearing a blue polo and white shorts -- probably 6'1, wiry like a bicyclist, mid to late 30s. I idly thought "he's kinda hot," but was distracted by how sore I was, so nothing more. He set up his table, I got undressed, lay down on my front, and he put a blanket over me and started massaging.
 
It's a really good and deep massage, especially on my neck and shoulders, and I start to relax. To stretch me out, he keeps having me rest my hands on his outer thigh while pushing on my shoulder, but this doesn't strike me as unusual, especially since I'm still covered in a blanket. And then, one time he switches my hand position from his outer thigh to his inner thigh, and I notice he actually has placed my hand on his bare skin, just underneath his shorts. I kinda start to wonder if there's something going on, but it's still tough to be sure. He then goes back to massaging my neck and shoulders, and then goes to my other side. This time, when he stretches out my arm, he places it pretty high in between his two (muscular) thighs, and squeezes them together, making sure my forearm rubs against his crotch. I involuntarily moan a little, and then he lets go, and this time, as he goes around the table near my legs, I hear the unmistakable noise of his clothes hitting the floor, and the rest is pretty much history.
 
The hottest part of it was how completely unexpected it was.

This once happened to me too, and it was pretty surprising and serendipitous and hot.
 
A couple years ago, I was in Maui for work. I had an afternoon off one day, and thought I'd get a massage because I was super sore from work and travel and stress and all that. My hotel had a spa/massage service, so I booked a massage for my room, with the sole goal of relaxing. I didn't even specify if I wanted a male or female therapist -- just had them send over whoever was available on short notice.
 
I hear a knock, and open the door, and there's this attractive blond guy wearing a blue polo and white shorts -- probably 6'1, wiry like a bicyclist, mid to late 30s. I idly thought "he's kinda hot," but was distracted by how sore I was, so nothing more. He set up his table, I got undressed, lay down on my front, and he put a blanket over me and started massaging.
 
It's a really good and deep massage, especially on my neck and shoulders, and I start to relax. To stretch me out, he keeps having me rest my hands on his outer thigh while pushing on my shoulder, but this doesn't strike me as unusual, especially since I'm still covered in a blanket. And then, one time he switches my hand position from his outer thigh to his inner thigh, and I notice he actually has placed my hand on his bare skin, just underneath his shorts. I kinda start to wonder if there's something going on, but it's still tough to be sure. He then goes back to massaging my neck and shoulders, and then goes to my other side. This time, when he stretches out my arm, he places it pretty high in between his two (muscular) thighs, and squeezes them together, making sure my forearm rubs against his crotch. I involuntarily moan a little, and then he lets go, and this time, as he goes around the table near my legs, I hear the unmistakable noise of his clothes hitting the floor, and the rest is pretty much history.
 
The hottest part of it was how completely unexpected it was.

Oh man, that's so sad. Seems pretty clear he has some kind of substance use and/or psychotic disorder. Hope the poor guy's ok.

Yes, saw him recently. Awesome massage, but the most extraordinary part of the experience was how freaking nice and warm the guy is.

I'll just respond openly, since it looks like the stuff one would PM has been covered earlier in this thread.
 
Re: his niceness. A little tough to articulate. I hesitate to use the phrase "good energy," since that reminds me of people who believe in essential oils instead of vaccines, but it actually applies in this case. He's both interested and interesting, and seems like he genuinely enjoys the connection that massaging offers.
 
I thought the massage would last for 1:30, but it was actually closer to 2:15-2:30. And then we just kinda hung out and chatted for a while. It's possible he's that way with everyone, or maybe we had chemistry, or maybe he's a really good actor. But I left with the idea that he's a legit good guy.

I'll just respond openly, since it looks like the stuff one would PM has been covered earlier in this thread.
 
Re: his niceness. A little tough to articulate. I hesitate to use the phrase "good energy," since that reminds me of people who believe in essential oils instead of vaccines, but it actually applies in this case. He's both interested and interesting, and seems like he genuinely enjoys the connection that massaging offers.
 
I thought the massage would last for 1:30, but it was actually closer to 2:15-2:30. And then we just kinda hung out and chatted for a while. It's possible he's that way with everyone, or maybe we had chemistry, or maybe he's a really good actor. But I left with the idea that he's a legit good guy.

I'll just respond openly, since it looks like the stuff one would PM has been covered earlier in this thread.
 
Re: his niceness. A little tough to articulate. I hesitate to use the phrase "good energy," since that reminds me of people who believe in essential oils instead of vaccines, but it actually applies in this case. He's both interested and interesting, and seems like he genuinely enjoys the connection that massaging offers.
 
I thought the massage would last for 1:30, but it was actually closer to 2:15-2:30. And then we just kinda hung out and chatted for a while. It's possible he's that way with everyone, or maybe we had chemistry, or maybe he's a really good actor. But I left with the idea that he's a legit good guy.

Yes, saw him recently. Awesome massage, but the most extraordinary part of the experience was how freaking nice and warm the guy is.

Yes, saw him recently. Awesome massage, but the most extraordinary part of the experience was how freaking nice and warm the guy is.

Yes, saw him recently. Awesome massage, but the most extraordinary part of the experience was how freaking nice and warm the guy is.

Great massage, very friendly, handsome, really nice apartment. Overall, excellent experience. Have seen him several times and plan to continue.

I didn't ask for anything more than a massage, so I'm not sure about "extras," but the massage itself was awesome.