wow @SirBillybob what an interesting analysis. I had to look up few words honestly but I agree with you mostly. For the longest time I had this fantasy to get closer to a guy, feel loved, but when something close to that happened or about to happen it was surprisingly disappointing or less magical.
I want to blame some to my older age, exposure & maturity probably. Some background, growing up in a very heavy religious background & more in a very heavily women family ... like there was not a single guy to hang out with for miles, 100 to 1 ratio kind of a thing. Never took off my shirt, I assumed my hairy chest as a feeling of shame growing up and used to hide even area close to the neck. Puberty was super hard. In addition all throughout my life I saw woman to constantly complain about men over and over and I ended up feeling ashamed for all mankind. I was groomed to be an ear for women of my household been the youngest, protected, loved but constantly over-sighted & you might have guessed it right by now, it was by my mom and it still effects me deeply. I want to feel more manly in a nutshell, nothing on dominance side as such but more confident.
Hopefully this is a blind place for posting and hard to traceback. Probably I should also delete the next part. I used to have wet dreams alot at night, sometime multiple times a night, precum a ton when turned on that you can fill buckets with, but didn't "know" masturbation till I was 25, literally WTF. I thought precum is how u make babies, naive and stupid ...... how I discovered ejaculation while been not asleep was an eye opener. A large part of me just want to hang out shirtless, goof around and some soft intimate with a man probably meeting some of my younger year fantasies ... sometimes its less sexual more of a feeling I am equal and an adequate man. When I discovered masturbation I was like what else I am missing or don't know.