Suggestions for starting over in a new city as an escort:

[Mocha]

*No clients have been mentioned here, each experience is related to meeting guys not associated with the business*. Sorry for long post, the first 2 paragraphs and the last should help get the jist of the topic.

 

So, I want to come forward and see what suggestions (and I'll try not to argue or get overly defensive) people can recommend when looking to start over in a new city. Basically, I moved out of Nashville in May and am now pretty much going "window-shopping"; in different cities for a little bit.

 

When I moved to Nashville at the beginning of 2016, I was eager for a new start. I'd lived in Denver for 5 years and just wanted to get out of the partying scene, the climate, and also seeing the same people, past lovers, etc. over and over.

 

Only thing is, the new start didn't go so well. In trying to meet people over the entire 15 months I lived there, it was mostly disappointments and setbacks from start to finish. I'd meet someone, things would seem to go well after a meet or 2 or 3, and then it'd go nowhere. Or they were inconsistent. They'd stop meeting with me after hooking up, but would still occasionally talk to me...but never initiate or suggest meeting again. Even when I refrained from hooking up at times, they'd still slip away. Most weekends went by, I had no plans. I had found a going out to bar buddy and met a few other nice people and joined some discussion groups...but even then, people didn't seem interested in making new friends.

 

So right now I've been hanging in a new city (Orlando...which based on the other thread seems to permeate into regular relationships too) and it's like the setbacks among people are already manifesting. I've met like 2-3 cool guys on this stay over the past 2-3 weeks I been here. All seemed well, but one mentioned he seen my escort profile on A4A (another reason I'm considering stopping local advertising there). It made me uncomfortable because he wasn't contacting me as usual after we hooked up one night, and didn't say anything until I contacted him and that was the first thing he bought up. The other 2, they seem unavailable to meet again. One guy, he lives 1 house across the street from my family, and he hasn't reached out to me once ever since he got into a new relationship while I was away. Seems like after I hook up with someone, they get what they want and move on.

 

I'm actually reluctant to move permanent anywhere else because I don't know where I'll be able to get it right. I don't know what it is. I sometimes feel the blame myself sometimes because being an escort, maybe I'm not forcing myself to "get out there" more. Or I should just stop hooking up with people who aren't clients until I really see who they are. I'm just tired of the drama too. I try to meet people with no expectations, but seems like dudes aren't even interested in nothing much more than a 1 night stand.

 

Overall, it seems when moving to a new city...people know you're fresh meat, and only want to sample. And being an escort, when people realize you moved and don't really know anyone...it's almost like they don't have time to cultivate a new friend/relationship or accept you into their group. Thing is, nobody has given me a reason why they can't or don't want to meet me again. When they do, it's down the line always "I got back with my ex".

 

I'm not trying to give up or resort to failure, because I have had fun times and some people you meet for a reason and others for a season. But I can't keep going through this with people. I don't know if I need to either relinquish gay bars/apps IN TOTALITY, but then how would I meet other gay guys? Facebook? What about escorting, should I keep people out of my business or mention it right from the get go? My only problem with that is people have taken my openness as an escort and used it against me later, time and time again. In the most nastiest, vindictive ways and the things they'd say would ensure I stooped to the lowest of lows to ensure they felt true remorse. A woman scorned ain't got NOTHING on a gay male escort scorned. So I'm leaning more towards not telling anyone anymore...as has been preferred.

[Samfoslom]

I spent some time in Orlando and found it to be very dull with little nightlife. Have you been to Atlanta?

[Mydavid]

mid-scort crisis

What's mid-scort crisis?

[LaffingBear]

I'm no escort.

 

But Ive moved around the country for my career.

 

Some food for though: location may not be the only factor in your social satisfaction. As I think back over moves through seven different cities, I realize

• My age and the "target" age cohort for friends changed as I grew older. While self-confidence grows with age, as does the ability to initiate - making new close friends becomes more challenging with age. It's environmental. Younger people are still building relationhips. Older peoples' social circles are more established. Not impossible, not even hard, perhaps. But harder.
  
• Where you are in your life changes. We evolve. Ive always been career oriented. When younger, earlier in my career, I would move someplace new and develop relationships from work. As I advanced in my career, into senior management positions, I wasnt interested in socializing with the people I managed.
  
• Social norms change with time. The ways to meet people, and others' expectations of new acquaintances change.
  

I found that there were regional differences. But I came to realize that location was only one small part of the recipe.

[Mocha]

I spent some time in Orlando and found it to be very dull with little nightlife. Have you been to Atlanta?

 

Yes! I was in Atlanta over Memorial Day weekend, however I had arrived late Saturday and had a weekender Sunday. So didn't get to check out the actual gay nightlife...even though my friends did, but they flaked. For a long time I didn't remotely consider Atlanta, but on this last trip where I hung out for a couple days...It had a bit more interesting vibe and seemed more cultural than what it's generally known for....

 

What's mid-scort crisis?

 

I guess it's when you're approaching 30 in less than two months AND been escorting close to the 10 year mark and wondering what has happened to the dating scene along the way. So yeah, definitely panic inducing.

 

@LaffingBear definitely makes sense. The second bullet point is what I worry about: does everyone meet people thru work? Or better yet, is that how people meet their non-fuck buds through? At the same time that question is tired and redundant to me. Obviously people are still on apps and going to bars meeting people. People say they meet people at work, but I've seen the people guys meet from work, and it's basically people who look just like them. Or completely different. Usually not someone they'd have sex with. Hence why they're on apps. I could meet people from work, but hanging out drunk with people I see 8-12 hours a day anyway and who I'd probably not want to have sexy with, doesn't seem like a cure to a mid-scort crisis. I actually tried that before and it didn't go anywhere: the coworker had a boyfriend. Coworker got me to hook up. Me and coworker stopped hanging out.

 

To clarify, the reason for the whole topic is just escort socialization in general in today's gay scene. There's 2 sides to this. Some people may be confused and think I was going to refer to just business related encounters. In case anyone is wondering, not every escort only meets men for paid sex or for sex in general. However, I think there's a misconception based on popular opinion that escorts only meet men to either fuck or get paid. I'm coming forward to say I'm not one of them. Nothing wrong with it, no judgement. But some people, can't seem to fathom an escort simply wanting platonic sexual friendships. Meaning, being friends with someone you hookup with, not just a passing thought. But not necessarily a full blown relationship either.

 

I want to be an escort, but also I want to meet hot available guys as well. My age. Clients can sometimes be that friend, but I still go for the earlymid20s/early30s age group. However I find the guys in their mid/upper 30s and up just seem to be set in their ways and usually recently gotten out of long relationships (or still in them) and tend to come with baggage. They've been in the scene so long, haven't moved anywhere in years, and when someone new like me comes along...they get all giddy but then can't accept the reality of it happening or they're so jaded out of their ass, they intently do stupid childish ass shit to sabotage the possibility of it going anywhere.

[Bearofdistinction]

Perhaps another Continent ===

 

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=tel+aviv+gay&spf=1498307414695

 

Perhaps becoming Incontinent

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Shady Pines

 

Maybe the back of a Lincoln Continental

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=67+lincoln+continental+convertible&tbm=isch&imgil=fW85BkW7C6wLfM%253A%253BN1KAnwEvDfi6GM%253Bhttps%25253A%25252F%25252Fwww.barrett-jackson.com%25252FEvents%25252FEvent%25252FDetails%25252F1967-LINCOLN-CONTINENTAL-CONVERTIBLE-157322&source=iu&pf=m&fir=fW85BkW7C6wLfM%253A%252CN1KAnwEvDfi6GM%252C_&usg=__zgBTBgxWabMF9uhPh_UnkGjfNUw%3D&biw=1093&bih=468&ved=0ahUKEwjV7eSgv9bUAhXHGz4KHTLpCR0QyjcILw&ei=k1xOWZXYHMe3-AGy0qfoAQ#imgrc=fW85BkW7C6wLfM:&spf=1498307725262

[LaffingBear]

To clarify, the reason for the whole topic is just escort socialization in general in today's gay scene. .....simply wanting platonic sexual friendships.

Im reading the post, and I cant help wondering ... is he looking for friends, FWB, hookups, romance.....?

 

pla·ton·ic

pləˈtänik/

adjective

1. (of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual.
   "their relationship is purely platonic"
   synonyms: nonsexual, nonphysical, chaste;
   

*********

How do men make friends? Work, sports, school, clubs, neighbors, wives.....

 

I have often tried apps and internet to enhance my social life. Every time I responded to a strictly platonic ad, or had a respondent to my sp ad, the man later admitted he hoped for FWB. Frequently after we'd hung out, socialized a bit, he'd sheepishly say he was surprised I wasnt actually seeking sex, or he didnt want to be a guy trolling online for sex, but he'd secretly hoped it would happen anyway.

 

All of the Grindr clones allow you to seek friends-only; you'll still be inundated with requests for dick-pics. I've actually received berating comments that the apps are for hookups, don't waste space. Just about every time I've said hello to a guy whose profile is something like "in a relationship, friends only"... he eventually reveals that he's actually just seeking discrete hookups.

 

I used to think it was a gay-man attribute, that gay men think sex-first in just about every non-purposed social interaction. I've decided thats true of all men. But straight guys differentiate by gender. Its rare for a straight guy to go seeking women as friends.

[+ oldNbusted]

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/06/the-church-of-crossfit/531501/

 

"...As institutional affiliation decreases, people have the same age-old desires for connection, relationships, connection to something bigger than themselves.”

 

And ter Kuile has found that meditation groups, adult summer camps, fandoms, and even fitness communities at specialized gyms like CrossFit or SoulCycle are stepping in to fill some of those needs.

[Mocha]

What's mid-scort crisis?

Im reading the post, and I cant help wondering ... is he looking for friends, FWB, hookups, romance.....?

 

pla·ton·ic

pləˈtänik/

adjective

1. (of love or friendship) intimate and affectionate but not sexual.
   "their relationship is purely platonic"
   synonyms: nonsexual, nonphysical, chaste;
   

*********

How do men make friends? Work, sports, school, clubs, neighbors, wives.....

 

I have often tried apps and internet to enhance my social life. Every time I responded to a strictly platonic ad, or had a respondent to my sp ad, the man later admitted he hoped for FWB. Frequently after we'd hung out, socialized a bit, he'd sheepishly say he was surprised I wasnt actually seeking sex, or he didnt want to be a guy trolling online for sex, but he'd secretly hoped it would happen anyway.

 

All of the Grindr clones allow you to seek friends-only; you'll still be inundated with requests for dick-pics. I've actually received berating comments that the apps are for hookups, don't waste space. Just about every time I've said hello to a guy whose profile is something like "in a relationship, friends only"... he eventually reveals that he's actually just seeking discrete hookups.

 

I used to think it was a gay-man attribute, that gay men think sex-first in just about every non-purposed social interaction. I've decided thats true of all men. But straight guys differentiate by gender. Its rare for a straight guy to go seeking women as friends.

 

Thanks for clarifying..sometimes a word will sound good in description, but may have a different meaning than what I was intending. I guess the simple way of saying that would be friends with benefits lol.

 

Though AGAIN, going back to the start of the thread. I've had so called friends with benefits. It doesn't end up being that way. It's usually not friends who hangout and have sex and maintain a friendship. It's either 1 or the other I find. Either they just want to have sex, or they just want to have friends.

 

And like I said, usually after I've hooked up with someone a couple times or whatever, they usually drift away until finally they disappear and stop contact all together. In the times I was having sex with someone and we were seeing each other often...it was just sex, never any hanging outside the bedroom.

 

However, I'm not saying every interaction turns out that way. But the next place I move to, I think I'm going to try and keep from those kind of interactions. Maybe that'll help keep down the drama/head games that tends to come out of those situations. At the same time, I've had experiences where guys suddenly never contacted me again after not getting sex on the 2nd or 3rd meet. So it's like, what the fuck do you do. It almost doesn't matter what I do, if they are already mentally going into a situation with the mindset of playing games or seeing if they "still got it" chances are that person is not going to be able to maintain meeting again more than 2 or 3 times regardless of the sex is great or never happens at all.

 

The difference is, this doesn't usually happen with clients. I have clients who have been meeting me for years or met several times whenever I come to town. This only seems to happen with guys I meet on apps or gay bars or any social situation that is gay themed (parties, kickball, etc)

[hairyhorny415]

I feel for your, Mocha. Moving around and being a new city can be exciting and lonely at the same time. My parents moved so much I went to over 14 schools growing up. I was jealous of those who had roots and had the chance to cultivate life long friendships and relationships. I visited Nashville a few times over the past 10 years for family - for me even though I blend in as a middled-aged boring white male, I found the place a bit repressed for my tastes. I hooked up on the apps there, but it isn't a place I would consider putting roots down in.

 

I've lived in San Francisco for 25+ years. Yes the town is small, have ex's, people know each other etc. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Fortunate to have a couple of long term friends and occassional fuckbuddies that I get along with and get me. I feel like I am a part of something bigger and regardless of my relationship status, that is what makes me happy.

 

The best way I've found to meet friends and lovers is through doing what I enjoy the most, wether is be volunteering, recovery, school, two-stepping, yoga, walking my dog, hanging out at the coffee shop, gym, nude beach, etc. Then I let the universe do its thing - if I am meant to meet someone, platonic or otherwise, I will meet him/her/them.

 

Sounds like you want a shift in the world you live in. From my own experience, moving doesn't really work as the same me moves to the new place. Finding a passion, not based on what other people think you should do (definitely a setup for failure/resentment), but rather something YOU want to do and love regardless of what other people think. If you meet Mr. Right while you are doing something you enjoy, you'll share something in common that creates some synergy and common ground. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, become him.

 

The apps have turned meeting into fast food sex without much more. Hit and run sex. I wouldn't expect more from cyberspace. Swipe left, swipe right mentality can crush a spirit and soul if you take it seriously - and people do. I recommend getting off your computer/phone and grab life by the balls.

 

People spend so much time on apps - trying to represent themselves in a way that others might like them. In the same regard, the go searching based on specific parameters. I've found the best relationships I have found/been in/still have are ones I made in person. They aren't necessarily what I was looking for per my online profiles - if they had been I would have missed out on some pretty special people.

 

I've asked friends that courtisans and companions about dating, and they said being up-front about what they do works best for them. If the person doesn't want to hookup/date after knowing, they at least appreciate the honesty. Whenever they didn't disclose and were almost always found out later (thanks alot, Google) , more times than not, the person they wanted to get to know better saw it as deception, and either got the silent treatment or worse, much unnecessary drama. Some of them date other escorts in a very open relationship. Polyamory seems to work out for them - they can work, they can do porn and they can come home to a hot man. I don't know if I am built/capable to be in a relationship like that, but as far as hiring a massage therapist with something extra, that will always be on my list of "Things I do!".

 

You are doing lots of of soul searching, figuring out what works and doesn't work for you. Like most of us, you have experienced the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over expecting different results.

 

What do you want in a city? What are your passions? What makes you happy? What are your non-negotioables (drug use, smoking, facial hair, etc).

 

Best of luck on your quest. I think it's great you are giving yourself time and space to think about your next city and what you want and need.

[MartyB]

I feel for your, Mocha. Moving around and being a new city can be exciting and lonely at the same time. My parents moved so much I went to over 14 schools growing up. I was jealous of those who had roots and had the chance to cultivate life long friendships and relationships. I visited Nashville a few times over the past 10 years for family - for me even though I blend in as a middled-aged boring white male, I found the place a bit repressed for my tastes. I hooked up on the apps there, but it isn't a place I would consider putting roots down in.

 

I've lived in San Francisco for 25+ years. Yes the town is small, have ex's, people know each other etc. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Fortunate to have a couple of long term friends and occassional fuckbuddies that I get along with and get me. I feel like I am a part of something bigger and regardless of my relationship status, that is what makes me happy.

 

The best way I've found to meet friends and lovers is through doing what I enjoy the most, wether is be volunteering, recovery, school, two-stepping, yoga, walking my dog, hanging out at the coffee shop, gym, nude beach, etc. Then I let the universe do its thing - if I am meant to meet someone, platonic or otherwise, I will meet him/her/them.

 

Sounds like you want a shift in the world you live in. From my own experience, moving doesn't really work as the same me moves to the new place. Finding a passion, not based on what other people think you should do (definitely a setup for failure/resentment), but rather something YOU want to do and love regardless of what other people think. If you meet Mr. Right while you are doing something you enjoy, you'll share something in common that creates some synergy and common ground. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, become him.

 

The apps have turned meeting into fast food sex without much more. Hit and run sex. I wouldn't expect more from cyberspace. Swipe left, swipe right mentality can crush a spirit and soul if you take it seriously - and people do. I recommend getting off your computer/phone and grab life by the balls.

 

People spend so much time on apps - trying to represent themselves in a way that others might like them. In the same regard, the go searching based on specific parameters. I've found the best relationships I have found/been in/still have are ones I made in person. They aren't necessarily what I was looking for per my online profiles - if they had been I would have missed out on some pretty special people.

 

I've asked friends that courtisans and companions about dating, and they said being up-front about what they do works best for them. If the person doesn't want to hookup/date after knowing, they at least appreciate the honesty. Whenever they didn't disclose and were almost always found out later (thanks alot, Google) , more times than not, the person they wanted to get to know better saw it as deception, and either got the silent treatment or worse, much unnecessary drama. Some of them date other escorts in a very open relationship. Polyamory seems to work out for them - they can work, they can do porn and they can come home to a hot man. I don't know if I am built/capable to be in a relationship like that, but as far as hiring a massage therapist with something extra, that will always be on my list of "Things I do!".

 

You are doing lots of of soul searching, figuring out what works and doesn't work for you. Like most of us, you have experienced the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over expecting different results.

 

What do you want in a city? What are your passions? What makes you happy? What are your non-negotioables (drug use, smoking, facial hair, etc).

 

Best of luck on your quest. I think it's great you are giving yourself time and space to think about your next city and what you want and need.

Such an articulate well thought out response.

[Mocha]

Such an articulate well thought out response.

 

I agree, let's give what's due:

http://media1.giphy.com/media/GaiXm1EOHlgek/giphy.gif

[Mocha]

I feel for your, Mocha. Moving around and being a new city can be exciting and lonely at the same time. My parents moved so much I went to over 14 schools growing up. I was jealous of those who had roots and had the chance to cultivate life long friendships and relationships. I visited Nashville a few times over the past 10 years for family - for me even though I blend in as a middled-aged boring white male, I found the place a bit repressed for my tastes. I hooked up on the apps there, but it isn't a place I would consider putting roots down in.

 

I've lived in San Francisco for 25+ years. Yes the town is small, have ex's, people know each other etc. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Fortunate to have a couple of long term friends and occassional fuckbuddies that I get along with and get me. I feel like I am a part of something bigger and regardless of my relationship status, that is what makes me happy.

 

The best way I've found to meet friends and lovers is through doing what I enjoy the most, wether is be volunteering, recovery, school, two-stepping, yoga, walking my dog, hanging out at the coffee shop, gym, nude beach, etc. Then I let the universe do its thing - if I am meant to meet someone, platonic or otherwise, I will meet him/her/them.

 

Sounds like you want a shift in the world you live in. From my own experience, moving doesn't really work as the same me moves to the new place. Finding a passion, not based on what other people think you should do (definitely a setup for failure/resentment), but rather something YOU want to do and love regardless of what other people think. If you meet Mr. Right while you are doing something you enjoy, you'll share something in common that creates some synergy and common ground. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, become him.

 

The apps have turned meeting into fast food sex without much more. Hit and run sex. I wouldn't expect more from cyberspace. Swipe left, swipe right mentality can crush a spirit and soul if you take it seriously - and people do. I recommend getting off your computer/phone and grab life by the balls.

 

People spend so much time on apps - trying to represent themselves in a way that others might like them. In the same regard, the go searching based on specific parameters. I've found the best relationships I have found/been in/still have are ones I made in person. They aren't necessarily what I was looking for per my online profiles - if they had been I would have missed out on some pretty special people.

 

I've asked friends that courtisans and companions about dating, and they said being up-front about what they do works best for them. If the person doesn't want to hookup/date after knowing, they at least appreciate the honesty. Whenever they didn't disclose and were almost always found out later (thanks alot, Google) , more times than not, the person they wanted to get to know better saw it as deception, and either got the silent treatment or worse, much unnecessary drama. Some of them date other escorts in a very open relationship. Polyamory seems to work out for them - they can work, they can do porn and they can come home to a hot man. I don't know if I am built/capable to be in a relationship like that, but as far as hiring a massage therapist with something extra, that will always be on my list of "Things I do!".

 

You are doing lots of of soul searching, figuring out what works and doesn't work for you. Like most of us, you have experienced the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over expecting different results.

 

What do you want in a city? What are your passions? What makes you happy? What are your non-negotioables (drug use, smoking, facial hair, etc).

 

Best of luck on your quest. I think it's great you are giving yourself time and space to think about your next city and what you want and need.

 

On a serious note...thanks for sharing your experiences and recommendations. I can agree the being upfront about being an escort to people probably is a good way to cut down drama. Some people have suggested that's what they'd prefer.

 

But the thing is, most people I've met say that, only to use it against me later in an argument or disagreement. I've had people; best friends and quasi exes who I thought were going to be supporting and understanding, later say and do some nasty things to me and even tell other people.

 

One guy got so mad that his friends invited me to a cabin retreat that he couldn't attend, I believe he went and told half the group (while I was there, thus having to leave) that I was a "prostitute", and threatened to have me arrested which made everyone feel uncomfortable. There's lots of stories I've just never bought up on the forum simply because I had to extract repercussions quicker than I could even log on to discuss it...plus it'd just be plain embarrassing.

 

I think the next place I move, I'll get another regular gig just so I can NOT have to explain things to people. And likely have to stay off Adam...which seems to be the easiest place to catch people out. Guys actually go on there, just to find people out.

 

That said, I also agree with how you mentioned meeting other people through just enjoyable outlets. Met a guy last night who I hooked up with earlier this year. Super sexy Colombian guy. I was wondering why he wanted to meet again because many of these Orlando guys are microwaveable popcorn bags: one time use only. After some discussion, he's never been to a gay bar in town. He didn't do pride or Orlando gay days. He wasn't "out" per say, but he seemed very comfortable in his sexuality, with me at least. We connected so well and he didn't up and leave first thing in the morning like some guys do. Probably too soon to marry him, but there was a stark contrast between him and the cheap $0.99 App Store guys. And I say cheap not only in their money, but in the way they make the experience feel. "Come over and hangout and let's watch Netflix" cheap. They really want sex, but they be so cheap with their emotions and communication to even say what they want.

 

Which has me thinking, maybe I need to avoid the "out" scene? Or at the very least take them with a grain of salt. As in, no real hooking up, no getting giddy feelings after meeting a couple times, no expectations of anything and no letting them blow my phone up until they get some, so they can slip away etc. Or if it does lead to a hookup and the minute they start acting funny afterwards...delete their number. It seems like the scene queen guys do this the most, never fails.

 

And as far as pride events, I've not gone to any this year. Not really feeling a whole lot of pride especially how I've been dogged out repeatedly by so called gay friends this year. Not to sound bitter and jaded, but all that is just too much commotion when you're not feeling secure in the gay "scene" in general. I'm happy being gay by myself or around people who aren't going to jab a spear through my spine. No rainbow flag or parTy favors needed.