Being A Gay Parent

[Guest rohale]

I'm probably treading on dangerous ground at this moment. I dont know if what I'm about to ask will make any sense, on the other hand just for once I really dont care. So here goes. I'm sure there are those posters on the MC who are parents to a son or daughter. Or maybe even helping a loved one or a friend raise a child. My question is how tough or difficult is it to be a gay parent?

 

I know it's not a sexy issue to discuss, if anyone responds that's fine. If not, that's perfectly understandable.

 

Rohale

[HotdadENYC]

I am not either, that is, neither a gay parent nor a straight parent, but based on LOTS of exposure and feedback, I would venture to say that its a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS, and a F**CKING PAIN IN THE ASS, whether the parent is straight or gay or somewhere in between.

 

<SMILE>

 

Raising kids has always been, and still is, a bit of a challenge. Imagine: kids are no longer satisfied with learning how to churn butter, sew clothes, cut fire wood or build a house.

 

Fast forward to today. You want to raise a kid (or kids) that knows MORE than you do about TVs, TIVOs, Cable and Computers? A kid that e-mails you his or her dinner preferences? A kid that takes notes in high school by using his "camera cell phone" to copy the teacher's lecture? A kid that hires an illegal immigrant teenager to clean his or her room?

 

God, you have a lot of guts and a good deal of courage.

 

I wish you all the best. Do it once, for the experience, but I can't see doing it again, anytime soon.

 

Regards,

 

hd NYC

[FourAces]

Many years ago I was a fosster parent. My sexuality didn't seem to be a big issue at the time. I checked off bi-sexual on the application (which is true) and no one asked me any related questions.

 

Being single I was assigned teenage boys. One of them was 17 and he lived with me for 6 months. It was more a transitional stop as he was headed to college back east.

 

After him I received a boy from the probation department who was 14. He lived with me about 18 months. He probably was aware that I was gay/bi but it never came up in conversation and he didn't seem at all bothered by it. The only reason he moved out was I moved from SoCal to Las Vegas and being a ward of the court he had to stay in California.

 

It was a lot of work being a foster parent. It did take a lot of my time and I don't think I have the energy for it now and I doubt that I would have the patience for it as well.

 

If you're looking to adopt or be a foster parent plan on sacraficing ... a lot.

 

RT

[+ bigjoey]

being a parent is one of the greatest joys in life. i helped raise my two nephews. one thing that it does is extend your time horizion. many gays just think about their own lifetime, however, a child makes you think about their life time and that of any children they have. for example, because of the kids, i began to recycle so their world would be better; i had always felt that during my lifetime, it made no difference to me. parenting gave me a different financial horizion as well; many gay men have just themselves to plan for but now what you spend has to take the kids into account; it is not a sacrifice as you question "do i really need (fill in the blank). having kids makes you think about the role model you are and the legacy you leave; with the kids in mind, i became more active in the community so the kids would know how to behave and be proud of their family in the community.

 

the reward is unconditional love. no worry if a boyfriend will leave because there is someone hotter around or the sex is not great; the kids are there forever. a hug makes all the sacrific worthwhile. i have been blessed with the joy of having helped raise two great kids and would trade that experience for nothing.

[Matt_Vancouver]

Speaking as a parent

 

Wow, I know I'm not the only one here who has a child, where is the advice from all the other dads out there... gay or otherwise?

I am the proud father of an 11 year old girl, (11 going to 17... yikes )

She lives with her mother in Alberta, but I visit her often and have a fantastic relationship with both my daughter and my ex-wife... yes you read right.. I was once married... and no I'm not bi, definatly all about men, just didn't know what I was doing in my early 20's.

but I wouldn't change a thing, if it weren't for my late coming out, I would not have the amazing pleasure of watching my baby grow up.

 

Is it difficult? Yes, gay parents, unfortunatly,even in Canada, don't have the same rights as straight parents.

The law might offer the same rights, but unfortunatly a good portion of society doesn't see it that way, and it is both difficult for the parent and the child.

She has to deal with other kids, who as taught by their 'straight' parents, have issues with someone different. But, I believe we've raised a very special, openminded, advanced beyond her years young lady. And she will hopefully be an example for her peers by teaching them tolerance and that 'family' doesn't mean only a mom and a dad..

Matt(proud pappy)

[noviceny]

RE: Speaking as a parent

 

Rohale,

 

Wow...now that is a question !!!

 

I was a dad for 3 years...my son died in a car accident. I was not married to his mother, but they lived in NJ and I lived in NY. I spent all of my time with him and it was the greatest joy in my life. The father/son bond is an incredibly powerful thing...Im sure that goes for a daughter too, except I probably would worry more about a daughter as she grows older.

 

I think my heart doubled in size while my boy was alive.

 

I can not say much more because I dont know what its like to raise a child as that was not in my cards. I am now a Big Brother to 3 kids (teenagers) and they are all great. They know Im gay, but I waited almost a year to tell them. Even though these are kids that are not from very excepting backgrounds, none of them really cared...they were very surprised, but they said that I was the only person that was there for them so they knew I was a good guy, and thats all that mattered.

 

Parenting is something that does not seem to be in the mainstream experience of gay life. That is a shame cause parenting and the love that is given and received truly changes your soul. It is the purest form of love, next to God's love...its like holding Love in your hands.

 

>I know it's not a sexy issue to discuss, if anyone responds that's fine.<

 

AAHHH, but it is sexy...there is nothing more sexy to me than someone who loves someone with all their heart, mind and soul.

[+ Lucky]

A related article is in today's Washington Post.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A16533-2005Jan17.html

 

If you need a password to read it, simply borrow one at bugmenot.com.

[Guest dreynsol]

Not really knowing at the time that I had a different option, I ended up dating and eventually marrying the sister of my best friend. He was a gorgeous guy and maybe I did channel my attraction to what I thought was next best thing. Being straight acting, my wife never suspected that I might be gay, even though she had no problem pointing out others as being gay and disgusting. She obviously was very proud of the fact that she could identify THEM.

 

How could I be in a hetero relationship knowing I was gay? Wasn't I being untruthful with her? Well, I suspected but never knew for sure that we were any different than all the other husbands and wives we associated with.

 

Not long afterwards, I held my son in my arms for the first time. Beyond a doubt, the best day of my life.

 

After being completely faithful to her, she ended up divorcing me when he was two and doing everything she could to keep me out of his and her life even though she still didn't know I was gay. She really had no right. I was a stud in bed (with fantasies of guys dancing around in my head) and a good provider. She had just turned 30 and was bored with her life.

 

He grew into a beautiful young man (picture Justin Timberlake with brown hair) and we were finally able to reconnect. I struggled with the decision to tell him that I was gay. It was probably also the toughest day of my life to confide that to him at age 19.

 

Would I change anything, absolutely not. The most important thing that I learned was that children respect honesty more than anything else. So, at the appropriate age, make sure you tell them the truth.

 

I eventually did tell my ex-wife the truth as I now know it, but that's a different story.

 

- Drey

[+ friendofsheila]

Since I’m not yet a parent, I can’t answer from experience. I can only tell you what my thinking has been so far about this.

 

I imagine three elements come into play about how hard it is to be a GAY parent (acknowledging that parenting as a mainstreamer has its own set of difficulties in place).

1) How does my community feel about me being openly gay?

2) How do I feel about being gay?

3) What do my children already know and feel about openly gay people? (since adopted children might already have ideas and experiences about us)

 

I think the answers to these three questions will tell me a lot about what additional difficulties I will face when I raise my children.

[SmallTownJohn]

Great topic...

 

I'm the proud papa of a VERY tall six year old. She has two Moms & two Dads. And I've been told she is the most popular kid in her class.

 

I had her several days over Christmas and loved it when she just blurted out to my partner, "You guys just rock! I love my two daddies!"

 

All My Best,

 

John

http://www.stj1.com