McCauley Caulkin WAS HOME ALONE!!!

[VaHawk]

Is FFF posting on the DC Craig's List R&R section, now??? This is the funniest posting I have ever read since FFF's hey day on this site.

 

"Stoned Alone; When Child Stars Go Bad... (The Longest Rant Ever)

 

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Reply to: [email protected]

Date: 2004-09-18, 2:38AM EDT

 

 

CNN.com reports Macaulay Culkin, child star of Home Alone, was arrested in Oklahoma City on Friday afternoon and charged with marijuana possession and possession of a controlled substance without a prescription.

 

Those weed-hating, eagle-eyed Okie City cops netted Culkin as a bonus, a mere passenger in a - I almost hate to break this to you, my fellow average masses, never having achieved child prodigy wealth or status -

a Pontiac Bonneville. Which only adds to my serious, black mood.

 

Macaulay, what the hell are you doing anywhere NEAR Oklahoma City?

I hold Mississippi in personal esteem as the most unredeemable, godforsaken, impoverished, ignorant, sister-marrying, barren wasteland on earth but get a few shots of Cuervo in me and you could easily sell me Oklahoma City too.

 

What a dump. What a waste of perfectly good concrete and oh, by the way, I am not Tim McVeigh so shove your "but they got bombed and we must respect the city as a ____" up your up your flag waving asses. I dare you to be stupid enough to run down this road with me - but go git yore "Born Kountry" CD first and crank it up loud, for patriotic inspiration. Wait - I digress, this is about our man Culkin, not us.

 

Mcster, baby, I know times are tough and your parents are money-grubbing trash, morals forged in the blackest pits of hell, ready willing and Did sacrifice you on the altar of Cutesy Christmas Feel Good Box Office. Don't think for a second that the fact that no actor\actress has managed to survive the demon hand of that Great Talentless Prick So I'll Make Shitty Hallmark Movies Instead, 'Chris' Columbus, is lost on us. And we even LIKE that crap.

 

(Was it just too big an intellectual reach for the eighties movie-going public to think, hmmmm, here's a guy with such Creative Genuis that the best Hollywood name he could manage was to rip off 'Christopher Columbus' and then - GENIUS! drop the 'topher'...)

 

And hey Chris, I hope you burn in hell. It was your 'visionary genius' that assured the film industry once and for all that America will eagerly pay good money to see utter mindless, plotless, unredeeming trash, even IF J-Lo is in it and especially if Ben Assfleck is in it. You filled the eighties with so much trash we can't bear the stench lo, a decade + later.

 

Son of a bitch, I'm too worked up now to let it go - Macaulay, why haven't you KILLED this asshole yet? no jury would touch you. Or you can hide out at my place - Fox will do a mini-series on you which ends with the band Styx re-forming just to play "Renegade" as they fade out to baby pictures... you'll be bigger than Bill Murray. Chicks will dig your Jason Bourneness when we hit the college bars on weekends. Hell yes, it could work.

 

Jesus, back to it - Santa need not call to explain the serious psychological damage guaranteed from being pimped to film studios since birth by parents who utterly failed to achieve any employable skill of their own.

I found myself in the vile position of suppporting AND understanding The Man for the first time, when the IRS rejected your mothers listed "occupation" on tax forms during her pregnancy with you.

"Continue Pregnancy To Succe$$ful Delivery Of Child Ca$h Factory" was just greedy and utterly stupid.

 

You were doomed man, being "loved" as a child by the same nation that recently went for the most mindless, comatose, moronic marketing scam of all time: a sitcom that wouldn't hold the interest of a retarded kid who later went on to sniff glue for ten years. But they named it "Everybody Loves Raymond" and that my burgular foiling wonder, is all it takes to own the hearts and minds of this nation of uninspired, anonymous-dating, lazy, fat morons.

 

Well, that or a country CD that has the flag on the front and songs by 'real Americans, simple musical folk who still understand Values and down-home guts and honor.." as they deposit check after check for millions upon millions and even run ads saying they give a 'percentage of proceeds to support the troops' with each sale. No records or documentation can be obtained of this generous contribution though. And we're busy morons beating up George Bush for using 9/11 in campaign speeches? Step right up Tim McGraw...

 

See? You literally cannot out-stupid us. So you were in Okie City in a shitty Monte Carlo, with a driver\pal whose finest hour was a four line part on NYPD Blue - episode “House of Buggin". (or is there another Brett Tabisel, Leech and Ex-Celeb Ass Boy from NYC?)

 

It's been awhile since The Man nailed me for drugs but I'm thinking the Xanax and clonazepam, un-prescribed naturally, maybe a bigger gig than the weed.

Fact is, worst you'll get is a little probation and community service - but it's not remotely the sweet deal you think.

 

Take The Man very seriously my thespian friend, because once you breathe that sigh of relief, sign those papers and get back to the interstate, you have just joined The System. You think you are Free. There you are, in a sweet Pontiac Bonneville, all directions of the compass at your whim.

But you're playing the cheap slots now, and the odds - always with the house, are now ONLY with the house. Unless you Drew Barrymore them and get that shit worked out and go on to be a beautiful, charming, happy adult.

 

You never, ever get out of The System once you join up. That shit works so well that they'll pretend not to notice if enough time elapses before they get you again.

 

But watch that third step baby, it's a bitch.

 

We'll be pulling for you man. Keep a stiff upper lip to prevent open laughter when Black Robe and an inbred Okie City ASSt DA scold you for that Evil weed.

Probably don't say "Yeah, I could actually fuck up and get elected President."

 

And don't even worry about Chris Columbus for now - I know some Italian guys in the Bronx.

 

CNN article

 

http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/09/17/culkin.arrest/index.html

[bigguyinpasadena]

So,,,,snarky little post from bitter-neverwere-snobs who don't have the talent to get a real writing job and there fore post on---CRAIGS LIST(?!?) reporting on the lives of people they do not know,will never meet,nor will never be as well known as tickles your funny bone eh?

there are real writers(Fran Liebowits comes to mind)who do this sort of thing much,much, better.

[marc anthony]

Well for those interested on how age and/or current lifestyle have treated this once household name....

 

Here is the booking photo

 

http://cdn.news.aol.com/aolnews_photos/08/06/20040917200109990001

[Guest showme43]

well not as bad as Glen Campbell's :7

[+ deej]

Or Nick Nolte's.

 

But both had an extra 40-or-so years to work on it. :+

[LurkerSpeaks]

not the prettiest of pics. but how about these pics from party monster http://www.haro-online.com/movies/party_monster.html where he not only showed a pretty face.. but a very pretty butt

[Guest ncm2169]

Pics? Where? The "adult" link takes me to a goddamn IRS page. x(