Corporate-Speak

[+ quoththeraven]

But searches in vain for any wall nook today out of sight of the telescreen.

 

Touche. It could be worse, though. I could live near London, which as I understand it has a high concentration of state surveillance all over the place, rather than near NYC, where more of the surveillance equipment is in private hands.

[+ not2rowdy]

The absolute worst jargonists are consultants, or companies touched by them. It was all I could bear to read something from one of my last company's consulting engineers. They would go on for page after page without saying anything concrete. And I finally figured out that was the whole point of the document. If they actually promised something in plain English, they could be held to it. Which, believe me, was not in their best interests.

 

Hmmm…. must be military consultants reporting under the rules of Department of Defense contractual requirements.

[Lookin]

Hmmm…. must be military consultants reporting under the rules of Department of Defense contractual requirements.

 

A lot of it was what they called 'boilerplate'. One of the things I hate about computers is the ability they give us to churn out page after page of gibberish. At least the one-page memos of my early corporate years put the information where you could find it. I dreaded schlepping through a thirty page consultant's draft trying to figure out who was actually going to do what and when and how much it was going to cost. Which is all the client really wanted to know.

 

http://images.rapgenius.com/83381e1db6413590b6626b808aa63aa8.334x314x1.jpg

[+ SundayZip]

Should I be embarrassed that I'm fond of corporate speak? I worked at the HQ of a large corporation for several decades and now a lot of the workplace dialog is burnt into my vocabulary -- and I kind of like it. I mean, "price point" does mean some different than "price" when used in the right context. Why not use words that mean what you want to say? I'd rather that someone use a word the comes from corporate speak than insert the occasional French word into their speech. At least with corporate speak, I can figure out what they're saying without running to find a translator. Yeah, so you know some French, Je vous entends glousser gros poulet!

 

PS. I don't mind it when people use French words like touche, à la carte, bon voyage and cheeze whiz. These are words that we all know.

[mike carey]

cheeze whiz

Riiiight, funny man!

[+ WmClarke]

My Feench is pretty rusty, but I'll take a stab:

 

Je vous entends glousser gros poulet!

 

Uh..... I want to choke your big chicken ?

[+ SundayZip]

Uh..... I want to choke your big chicken ?

 

Ha! I was trying to say, "I hear you cluckin big chicken". I did a pretty poor translation, huh?

[AdamSmith]

PS. I don't mind it when people use French words like touche

 

bouche

douche

louche

cartouche

 

http://www.touregypt.net/images/touregypt/cartouche14.jpg

 

Throw the word louche into a business discussion if you need to slow the other person down to have time to think.

[bostonman]

I remember some years back (early 90's I think) I saw an article in a local gay paper about a debate as to whether or not to welcome transgender groups who wished to be part of the Boston gay pride parade. (Or something along those lines). The operative word used was inclusify. And I'm thinking to myself, is simple old "include" an archaic word all of a sudden? Did someone make up "inclusify" on the spot because they couldn't think of the real word, and it sounded oh-so-"important"? Awful.

 

Computer-speak has also infiltrated the language, and I suppose much of that is fine, though I'm still not entirely used to words like "friend" being "verbed" (though I'm sure I'd get strange looks if I asked if I could befreind you on facebook lol). The one word I cannot stand is "webinar." Having taken linguistics in college, I understand how it came to be - it's simply what they'd call a "back formation" of the word seminar as adapted to the web. I get it. But even so, to me, it's absolutely a non-word, and I firmly refuse to ever participate in such a thing as long as it's called a "webinar."

[+ WmClarke]

Ha! I was trying to say, "I hear you cluckin big chicken". I did a pretty poor translation, huh?

No, I think your translation was fine. I was just being a goofball.

[tedbear]

For over 30 years I worked for a huge ad agency that was employee-owned. It had a policy of taking care of employees before profits. Salaries were good and bonuses were AMAZING! Then it began to get more corporate. One day we got a memo referring to "Human Assets." I immediately went to my boss and said I want to confirm something. "Does Human Assets mean 'People?'" She was wondering the same thing. Pretty soon we "merged" with another conglomerate. No more amazing bonuses. Profit became the main goal. Improving Shareholder Value meant everything.

[bostonman]

For over 30 years I worked for a huge ad agency that was employee-owned. It had a policy of taking care of employees before profits. Salaries were good and bonuses were AMAZING! Then it began to get more corporate. One day we got a memo referring to "Human Assets." I immediately went to my boss and said I want to confirm something. "Does Human Assets mean 'People?'" She was wondering the same thing. Pretty soon we "merged" with another conglomerate. No more amazing bonuses. Profit became the main goal. Improving Shareholder Value meant everything.

 

...and subsequently, so much for human assets, huh?...

[+ poolboy48220]

For over 30 years I worked for a huge ad agency that was employee-owned. It had a policy of taking care of employees before profits. Salaries were good and bonuses were AMAZING! Then it began to get more corporate. One day we got a memo referring to "Human Assets." I immediately went to my boss and said I want to confirm something. "Does Human Assets mean 'People?'" She was wondering the same thing. Pretty soon we "merged" with another conglomerate. No more amazing bonuses. Profit became the main goal. Improving Shareholder Value meant everything.

For a while, the buzzword was "Human Capital Management". I'm not sure if that one lasted.

[AdamSmith]

One that subtly discomfits me is 'Human Resources.' Reassuring at least that the Company acknowledges the rank-and-file to be humans. But then the implication that executives, above a certain level, are inhuman (likely!) or regarded somehow as More than Human.

[gallahadesquire]

A favourite of mine came from Ann Landers or her ilk:

 

"Multi-level parking structure. Why don't they just call it a garage?"

 

For years, a friend of mine has talked about "Personnel Identification and Authorization modules," a.k.a. keys.

[AdamSmith]

I firmly refuse to ever participate in such a thing as long as it's called a "webinar."

 

Agree that word is viscerally distressing. When I am occasionally constrained to refer to such a thing in writing, I call it a webcast. Slightly less dreadful, if only just.

[sincitymix]

how about downsizing for growth?

[TruHart1]

I remember some years back (early 90's I think) I saw an article in a local gay paper about a debate as to whether or not to welcome transgender groups who wished to be part of the Boston gay pride parade. (Or something along those lines). The operative word used was inclusify. And I'm thinking to myself, is simple old "include" an archaic word all of a sudden? Did someone make up "inclusify" on the spot because they couldn't think of the real word, and it sounded oh-so-"important"? Awful.

 

Computer-speak has also infiltrated the language, and I suppose much of that is fine, though I'm still not entirely used to words like "friend" being "verbed" (though I'm sure I'd get strange looks if I asked if I could befreind you on facebook lol). The one word I cannot stand is "webinar." Having taken linguistics in college, I understand how it came to be - it's simply what they'd call a "back formation" of the word seminar as adapted to the web. I get it. But even so, to me, it's absolutely a non-word, and I firmly refuse to ever participate in such a thing as long as it's called a "webinar."

 

 

I know it’s a bit off topic but reading all these corporate-speak words like "inclusify" and being the tween-aged devoted fan of the musical Wicked that I am, I can’t help thinking of Madame Morrible’s and (the “Good” witch) Glinda’s malapropisms!!!

 

Madame Morrible:

Linguification

Defin-ish

Thrillifying

Decipher-ate

Manifestorium

Braverism

Surreptitially

Despondiary

Differentiations

 

Glinda:

Outuendo

Scandalacious

Hideoteous

Clandestinedly

Moodified

Discoverates

Disrespectation

 

Truhart1

[+ poolboy48220]

It's not corporate-speak, but I bought a copy of "Meditation for Dummies". The author repeatedly used the word "lovingkindness", jammed together as one word like that. It definitely didn't help me achieve the tranquil state I was aiming for.

[Guest Starbuck]

how about downsizing for growth?

 

That reminded me of a wonderful word we don't use enough: OXYMORON.

[AdamSmith]

That reminded me of a wonderful word we don't use enough: OXYMORON.

 

Example lists from Urban Dictionary:

 

Microsoft Works

United Nations

Political Correctness

Linux Complete

Music Television (MTV)

Living Dead

Artificial Reality

Rap Music

 

millitary intellegence

 

canadian army

 

british honor

 

honor among thieves

 

living dead

 

jumbo shrimp

 

TOP 51 OXY MORONS

_________________

51. Friendly Fire

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

 

And the Number one top OXY-Moron . . .

 

1. Microsoft Works

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oxymoron

[Guest Starbuck]

One that subtly discomfits me is 'Human Resources.' Reassuring at least that the Company acknowledges the rank-and-file to be humans. But then the implication that executives, above a certain level, are inhuman (likely!) or regarded somehow as More than Human.

 

Or perhaps both .... loathed by the rank-and-file, yet awash in narcissism.

 

(I'd like cite Donald Trump as an example, but according to the latest CNN polling, the rank-and-file are still blinded by his light. Too bad we can't get a poll of the Trump Organization's rank-and-file; I'd be really curious to see those numbers.)

[Wolfer]

Hahaha, just after reading this thread we had a staff meeting at work and it suddenly dawned on me how many silly corporate speak expressions we use at work and how I started using these also.

For instance, if we need to get some info from someone and let another person know, we don't just say: I'll let him know. We say: I'll link it back to him... What? I've since decided to stop using such silly expressions.

[AdamSmith]

I remember one that IBMers used in the 1980s: "reorg". There, it didn't mean reorganization, but rather return to origin -- i.e., start some process over again, such as deciding whether to bring some new product to market.

 

Digital Equipment Corp. had similar catchphrases of its own during that decade.

 

Strikes me now that those companies developing their own internal code-speak indecipherable to outsiders was indicative of their increasingly sclerotic, inward-focused cultures that ultimately led DEC to ruin, and would have for IBM had not Gerstner come in and saved it from itself.

[+ SundayZip]

OK, I know (or suspect) that all this talk about corporate-speak is just having some fun. But I also wonder if there are a few here who actually believe everything that's been said. I have an acquaintance who has never worked for a corporation and she honestly believes that most corporations (especially large ones) are managed by malevolent people who are out to exploit the world and all the "real people" under their control. Lots of liberal leaning people actually believe this just like many conservatives believe that Obama wants to do harm to the US. There are those in the world who believe that terms like "right sizing", "human resources or assets" and "downsizing for growth" are really just euphemism intended to disguise some very evil reality.

 

So, someone tell me to chill-out. You'all are just having fun (right?)