How does a guy really know if he is gay, seriously?

[Guest tjsd65]

How does one really know if he/she is gay for sure? I have been attracted to men as long as I can remember. I am now 38 and have yet to have a relationship with a guy, due to keeping my true feelings inside and basically satisfying urges by hiring escorts. Once in a while I meet a truly nice escort with whom I get attracted to more than just physically, recently with such an escort I finally allowed myself to be topped a few times by him. I enjoyed the fact of having inside me, but the experience was painful and not as physically enjoyable as I imagined it would be. Does it require several times of doing this and over regular intervals before it becomes as physically enjoyable as it is emotionally satisfying. I topped a guy on two or three occasions with some help from them, but didn’t seem to enjoy that too much and more so enjoy, kissing, hugging and body contact and holding each other. When I fantasize about guys it usually involves me as a bottom. I have never successfully had sexual intercourse with a female, I tried once but could not keep myself erect. I guess I am wondering if I truly am gay or not, I see articles that say a lot of gay men have a emotional issues stemming back to a disciplinarian father with no emotional connect and a need to have an older brothers acceptance, and while I know there is a lot of psycho babble out there. What are any thoughts out there on this or my feelings?

[Guest gentle guy]

Tim, you are probably going to get lots of different responses to your question. Here goes mine!

 

First of all, topping or bottoming does not determine one's sexuality. Some guys like to top, some guys like to bottom, some like both--and some like neither! There is no law that says gay men must want anal sex. I always felt that one of the advantages of being a gay man is that there are a variety of activities to enjoy. You do what feels best for you. If physical contact, affection, etc. are what turns you on, that's great. You might also find your interests changing with age and experience.

 

Human sexuality is highly complex (understatement of all time)--this site is evidence of that! How many clients are or were married? For that matter, how many escorts are or were married? There is no one reason why someone becomes gay or straight or bi. It's a combination of both genetics and environment.

 

This is not the forum to discuss your own personal issues in detail. You should discuss your feelings and thoughts about your sexuality with a counselor or therapist who is gay-friendly (not necessarily gay). There are a number of people in the suburbs near you or in the city.

 

By the way, you are not alone in this. Many other guys have faced the same issues and dealt with them successfully.

 

I wish you all the best, Tim! Take care!

[Rick Munroe]

>How does one really know if he/she is gay for sure? I have

>been attracted to men as long as I can remember.

 

That's how you know; you just answered your own question. Yes, Virginia, you are gay. ;-)

 

As for bottoming...you don't say anything about sucking. If you're naturally inclined to be a bottom (submissive or otherwise) but don't enjoy getting fucked, there's also oral sex. Some guys only see giving head as foreplay, but others (myself included) see it as a true art form. My advice is: start learning how to suck cock (I give lessons :9 ), and declare yourself an oral bottom.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

I've always thought you were gay if you knew the order & correct sexuality of Liza Minelli's former husbands...

 

 

and NO, David Gest can't be included. That's just too easy and a complete giveaway

 

 

 

 

Warmest Always,

 

 

 

 

Benjamin Nicholas

[VaHawk]

I want to guess! #1 Peter Allen - Gay!!! #2 - Jack Haley, Jr - Bisexual #3 - David Gest - PLEASE what a big ole gal! I probably left some out. Like mother, like daughter, but Judy had better taste!

[VaHawk]

If you have been attracted to men as long as you can remember then you are gay. It was the same with me, even before I reached puberty and discovered sex. I had an uncanny attraction to Peter Brown from the old Lawman tv series when I was 7, of course I didn't know what I was feeling, but I certainly used to dream of him at that age. I guess you could say now, that I just like brown peters.

 

Seriously though, you sound like you have suppressed your sexual desires and true feelings all your life, and it doesn't always equate to an abusive father (although the Lord knows I've been there and done that!). It's just the way you are, and at 38 you are not getting any younger, so PLEASE accept who you are, and if you need help doing that, then seek it out from professionals who can help you.

 

When you finally accept to yourself who you are, you will be a lot happier person, and realize that you are indeed normal, with something worthwhile to offer. I hope you do this, and then venture out into the gay life and find someone who will give you what it seems you want, which is love and affection. You are not going to find that, by limiting yourself to professional escorts.

 

Best of everything!

[Boston Guy]

>How does one really know if he/she is gay for sure? I have

>been attracted to men as long as I can remember.

 

I think you know the answer to your own question. In the sense that you are using the term "gay", it sure sounds like you are gay. I put quotes around "gay" only because guys who are questioning their sexuality or are just coming out sometimes see the world in terms that are so black and white that "gay" and "straight" become too confining.

 

I've been out for what seems like forever and self-identify as gay. However, over the years, I've met gay guys who slept with women, straight guys who fooled around with men, some guys who were so in the middle that I couldn't tell which sex they preferred -- if either. I've met guys who were gay and married with kids (and also lesbians still in straight marriages with kids). There have been guys who were so hung up about their sexuality that they were tortured over it and others who were really just plain sexual and loved sex in almost any form.

 

The point I'm trying to make here is that human sexuality comes in a lot of forms. We use "gay", "bi" and "straight" as generic categories, but those words come loaded with lots of baggage (not to mention words and phrases like "queer" and "straight-acting"). Sometimes it's better not to get too hung up on the words and focus instead on who you are as a human being and what you want in this life.

 

If you're attracted to men and have been for as long as you can remember and aren't attracted to women, then most of us would say "sure, you're gay." That's the quick easy answer. What's hard is deciding what to do with that information and how it applies to you.

 

What type of guys are you attracted to? Have you ever been to a gay bar? Have you explored your sexuality at all outside of the world of escorts? What are your long-term life goals and how do you hope or think that your sexuality might play into those goals? How do you define yourself as a person and as a man? Do you see yourself as a gay man? If so, are you comfortable with who you are?

 

The first steps in the coming-out process involved identification and understanding of what it means to be gay. But far more important is acceptance of yourself and who you are. We cannot be happy if we don't accept and like ourselves.

 

>I am now 38

>and have yet to have a relationship with a guy, due to keeping

>my true feelings inside and basically satisfying urges by

>hiring escorts.

 

My reaction to this is that, at 38, you are far too young to be restricting yourself to escorts. There are countless guys out there around your age who are fun, interesting, sexy and reasonably easy to meet. You don't say where you live, but any large city today will have at least some kind of gay community. I believe that making gay frieds -- friends, not sex partners -- is a critical part of coming out. If you are going to live life as a gay man, it's essential that you include other gay men in your life as friends. These friends can be younger or older than you and might not be guys you are attracted to at all sexually (often it's better that way). But you need some kindred spirits to just enjoy life with.

 

And you also need to explore your sexuality. That means meeting guys and going home with them or bringing them to your home or hotel. If you live someplace where that's not possible, then you're in luck: summer is just starting. Go to Provincetown for a week. You'll be amazed, astounded and will want to go back again as soon as you leave. Or go to any other gay resort. Or spend some time in San Francisco or NYC or Atlanta. But put yourself in a position to meet other gay guys and spend time with them. It's important. You're already 38. you don't want to be asking these same questions when you're 48.

 

 

>Once in a while I meet a truly nice escort

>with whom I get attracted to more than just physically,

>recently with such an escort I finally allowed myself to be

>topped a few times by him. I enjoyed the fact of having inside

>me, but the experience was painful and not as physically

>enjoyable as I imagined it would be. Does it require several

>times of doing this and over regular intervals before it

>becomes as physically enjoyable as it is emotionally

>satisfying. I topped a guy on two or three occasions with some

>help from them, but didn’t seem to enjoy that too much and

>more so enjoy, kissing, hugging and body contact and holding

>each other.

 

Gay sex is just like other sex -- it takes some time to learn how to do it well and also to learn what you like. And what you like may well change over the years; in fact, I'd venture a guess that it will change over time.

 

What you do sexually with another guy isn't really that important so long as both of you are having fun. Sure, it's nice to be able participate in multiple activities, if not for variety's sake then so you can have fun with different guys who may have different interests. But it's a mistake to get too hung up about sex or worry too much about the mechanics. And a good way to learn is to be honest with guys that you meet -- tell them that you're just coming out and that you want to learn and try some new things. Some guys will groan but others will take joy in showing you their own skills.

 

By the way, you don't have to be beautiful to have fun gay sex with other guys for free. But you should be in reasonable shape. If you're way out of shape, then do yourself a big favor and join a gym and get back in shape. If necessary, hire a personal trainer for a month or two to get yourself going. You'll be doing yourself a big favor healthwise and also increasing the odds a lot that other guys will see you as someone they want to fool around with.

 

And, by the way, two good ways to make gay friends outside of the bars: (1) join gay groups -- any big city will have lots of groups that go running or boating or play volleyball or softball or bridge or do any number of different things. Find a copy of the local gay newspaper (or call their office) for a list of groups in your area. (2) volunteer at places where you might find other gay guys. One good place is your local AIDS action program. Not only will you be helping people in need, you'll be meeting other good guys.

 

>When I fantasize about guys it usually involves me

>as a bottom. I have never successfully had sexual intercourse

>with a female, I tried once but could not keep myself erect.

 

Well, that could have been pressure or the emotions of the moment or it could be that you're simply not attracted to women. You're the only one who can tell and it's not very important what happened that one time. But are you attracted to women? Sexually? If yes, then you should try having sex with women again and see how it goes. If not, then that's another part of your answer.

 

>I

>guess I am wondering if I truly am gay or not, I see articles

>that say a lot of gay men have a emotional issues stemming

>back to a disciplinarian father with no emotional connect and

>a need to have an older brothers acceptance, and while I know

>there is a lot of psycho babble out there. What are any

>thoughts out there on this or my feelings?

 

Oh, gosh, don't buy into all that psychobabble. My feeling is that we're born gay and most of my gay friends had perfectly normal upbringings in perfectly normal families and we all have been attracted to men for as long as we can remember. I think all the theories on why people are gay are basically hogwash generally created by straight people to try to explain something they don't understand. Don't blame others and most especially don't blame your family or yourself. You are who you are and that's a fact and you cannot change it. Instead of wondering why you are who you are, learn to celebrate it. Accept yourself and start figuring out how to be happy in your own life.

 

Asking the questions you did here seems a good first step.

 

BG

 

ps: If you tell people where you are located, I bet you'll get suggestions from guys in your area about things to do, places to go, groups that may be active or good places to volunteer.

[VaHawk]

Right at the outset, I believe that we agree on the jist of the question and I believe you offer some sound advice. I know by your prior posts that you would never mean anything offensive, however I have some disagreements with the tone of some of your replies. To wit:

 

>My reaction to this is that, at 38, you are far too young to

>be restricting yourself to escorts.

 

This implies that at a certain age (what is that 45,50, 60 ???) that a gay man can experience sex and companionship and whatever with another gay man only if he hires escorts. This, imo, is a perpetration of the stereotype about older gay men.

 

>Gay sex is just like other sex -- it takes some time to learn

>how to do it well and also to learn what you like.

 

This may be true as far as you individually, but once again, imo, this is an over simplified generalization. Speaking just for myself, I knew what the hell I liked/wanted at the very outset, and it didn't take me that long to "learn how to do it well", as some of us are a true natural at it!

 

>By the way, you don't have to be beautiful to have fun gay sex

>with other guys for free. But you should be in reasonable

>shape. If you're way out of shape, then do yourself a big

>favor and join a gym and get back in shape. If necessary,

>hire a personal trainer for a month or two to get yourself

>going. You'll be doing yourself a big favor healthwise and

>also increasing the odds a lot that other guys will see you as

>someone they want to fool around with.

 

Now this whole paragraph comes across as offensive. IT SEEMS SHALLOW IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD! Only the physical counts right? Lord, knows that if you aren't some kind of buffed up, mindless gym bunny that you aren't worth knowing and can not possibly be attractive, knowable, great in bed or have any kind of worth. AND BTW: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE UGLY to hire escorts! I sure hope the guy who posted this is a SUPER HOTTIE, or else you just shot down the last bit of his confidence!

[Rick Munroe]

>Now this whole paragraph comes across as offensive. IT SEEMS

>SHALLOW IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD! Only the physical counts

>right? Lord, knows that if you aren't some kind of buffed up,

>mindless gym bunny that you aren't worth knowing and can not

>possibly be attractive, knowable, great in bed or have any

>kind of worth.

 

That's not what BG was saying at all. He said you don't have to be beautiful but you should be in reasonable shape if you want to increase your chances of hooking up (and also for good health). It seems like practical advice. Also...don't assume that all buff guys are mindless. That's yet another negative stereotype. Just as all gay men are not effeminate, all muscular guys are not brain dead.

[Boston Guy]

Sorry if I wasn't clear, but I think you misunderstood my point.

 

I wasn't recommending that this gentleman hire escorts; on the contrary, I think that a guy who is just coming out at 38 should concentrate on:

 

(1) learning who he is

(2) learning what it means to be gay -- for him

(3) making gay friends

(4) having fun

 

He's certainly young enough to appeal to guys in the bars, which are -- realistically -- one of the main places to meet other gay guys. I think it's unhealthy to derive all of one's sexual stimulation from escorts and especially so for someone who is just coming out.

 

None of that has anything to do with whether it's good or bad in general to hire escorts nor does it imply a moral judgment. It's simply my belief that he will be happier if he makes some gay friends and meets guys in non-commercial ways and has a bunch of fun.

 

And, having said that, if he wants to meet guys in bars or other non-escort contexts, then he should seriously consider getting in shape if he's out of shape. He doesn't have to be beautiful but being in shape makes everyone more attractive.

 

My advice wasn't meant for anyone else, nor was it meant as a judgment on what others do. It was intended as advice for a 38-year old gay man who is just coming out and I stand by it.

 

BG

 

ps: But the advice about getting in shape is good advice for anyone reading these words who's out of shape. Beside the obvious benefits of looking and feeling better, it's good for one's health in lots of way.

[VaHawk]

Thank you for pointing out that my words also were not well stated in that they inferred all muscular types were mindless, as I know that this is not the case. However, BG words are also poorly stated:

 

>By the way, you don't have to be beautiful to have fun gay sex

>with other guys for free. But you should be in reasonable

>shape.

 

In other words, out of shape guys, regardless of other factors, have to be in reasonable shape to stand a chance to have fun gay sex without paying for it? How did I misinterpret this? IMO, total BS!

[Guest tjsd65]

To all thanks for the advice, there are some really good points here, some of which I have heard before and some new ones. I currently live about 35 miles north of NYC. I am now living with my parents who are getting on in years and need some looking after, since my elder brother who took care of them has since passed.

As far as some of the questions or clarifications that were posed to me.

I am 5'8", about 165 lbs, brownish eyes, light brown hair, run and do sit ups regularly and am in pretty good shape. I do not smoke and drink socially, not into the drug scene. So you can say I am "reasonably attractive" although I am thinning on top, but refuse to do comb overs or hair peices.

As far as oral it is kinda the same. I enjoy making someone I enjoy being with feel good, but could take it or leave it. Maybe I don't know if I am doing it right or wrong.

I was not offended by anything the replies, I have a no nonsense approach to things and prefe when people just tell it like it is.

[Guest fukamarine]

>>By the way, you don't have to be beautiful to have fun gay

>sex with other guys for free. But you should be in reasonable

>>shape.

>

>In other words, out of shape guys, regardless of other

>factors, have to be in reasonable shape to stand a chance to

>have fun gay sex without paying for it? How did I

>misinterpret this? IMO, total BS!

 

Tell me just one thing - how many overweight, out-of-shape, 38 yr old gay guys have you picked up lately for the purpose of having sex? If you're telling the truth I'll bet the figure is somewhere between

none and zero.

 

All BG is saying is that your chances increase in direct to proportion to the decrease in your waistline.

 

Why is there always a member who has to nitpick every statement made by a well meaning poster. I though BG's post was genuine, sincere and very well thought out. I also applaud him for taking the time to compose and post it. That certainly wasn't done in just 5 minutes.

 

fukamarine

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

BG has offtered some really sound comments IMO. Another intersting thread which BG participated in with Will and others can be found in the archives (hopefully) It is entitled [b']What does it mean to be gay'[/b] circa May/June 2000. That thread sucked me into the MC and I haven't been able to crawl out since.

[VaHawk]

>Why is there always a member who has to nitpick every

>statement made by a well meaning poster.

 

Don't know why. Why don't you tell us as you seem to the world champion at doing so. As far as the poster's query I don't believe it had a whole heck of a lot to about going out and picking up guys for overnight sexual action, so what does your query about how many overweight 38 yo men anyone picks up have to do with anything?

[woodlawn]

>This is not the forum to discuss your own personal issues in

>detail. You should discuss your feelings and thoughts about

>your sexuality with a counselor or therapist who is

>gay-friendly (not necessarily gay). There are a number of

>people in the suburbs near you or in the city.

 

If you are wise, the above is the only part of this thread to which you will pay any attention. A message board populated by hookers and johns is not the right place to seek advice on achieving emotional well-being. All you will find here are people who enjoy pontificating on any subject that comes up, whether they know anything about it or not, as well as those who want to vent about their own problems or bicker with each other and hookers who see any thread on any subject as another chance to sell themselves. Seek the help of someone who has no agenda other than helping you. Good luck.

[ready182]

I short, simple response to ponder:

 

What do you usually think about when you jerk off?

[+ nycman]

>What do you usually think about when you jerk off?

 

Wait....I've heard Rick thinks about the Olsen Twin Dolls when he jerks off....

 

http://ebay0.ipixmedia.com/abc/M28/_EBAY_839fc82ac06839a06caa02c435f94026/i-1.JPG

 

....I'm not so sure this test works!

[Boston Guy]

When you started this thread, I assumed that your question was really a two-part one:

 

(1) How do I know if I'm gay, and

(2) If I am gay, what should I do about it

 

I made this assumption because I can well remember being in that same position, even though it was more than 20 years ago. It will always be one of the defining periods in my life. I didn't know if I was gay or not but I decided that I had to find out and, if I decided I was, then I had to figure out how to live my life happily as a gay man.

 

So I think the two questions are so intertwined that discussing the first inevitably leads to the second one. I don't really see happiness flowing from "I guess I am gay" followed by "OK, I know I'm gay now but I'm not going to do anything about it and will just stay in the closet and live my life as I always have."

 

The fact that you have started this thread is a sign -- a good sign -- that you are ready to move forward, at whatever pace turns out to be right for you.

 

I'd like to stress something again: coming out can be a very intense process or it can be very slow and gradual and during the process you'll keep bumping up against life issues and goals and messages that you've learned all your life (and may have to unlearn). But, if you're lucky, it can be an incredibly fun, joyful, crazy time, too. I started coming out full of trepidation and fear (of the unknown) and not having any idea where I was headed. Within a few short months, I was having the time of my life.

 

What really made the difference wasn't so much things that I did. Instead, I was fortunate enough to keep meeting great guys (and also some great women) who wanted to help me and showed me the ropes. For a while, whenever I went out I told people that I met that I was just coming out and I would often get the "Oh, my God, I have to introduce you to everyone!" line. It didn't always happen, of course, but I kept forcing myself to meet more guys and it happened often enough. Pretty soon -- really, in just a matter of weeks -- I had made some pretty good gay friends, people I liked and enjoyed spending time with. They really, really helped me figure out who I was and what it meant to me to be gay.

 

I think trying to do it alone, without the guidance or companionship of other gay guys, is likely to be a very lonely road and one that might not have a happy ending. Having gay friends is critical and you're really lucky that you're so close to NYC.

 

Everyone has heard how unfriendly the guys are in NYC. But, you know what? If you go to bars in the city -- or other venues where gay men are likely to be -- and make the first move, most guys will reciprocate. I can't tell you how many times I've seen friends of mine want to go meet someone in a bar and not do so all night long out of fear of rejection and end up going home frustrated.

 

Most guys are decent guys. If you go up and talk to them, most will be at least friendly. And, if you meet a few of them, perhaps one will be someone who you'll hit it off with.

 

In my first post, I suggested that you look in various places for gay friends. NYC is full of gay activities and gay organizations. I don't know them, since I don't live there, but if you started a "what is there to do in NYC?" thread, I'm sure you'd get a zillion helpful responses.

 

In terms of bars, I'm a little out of the NYC scene as well but I just thought of a place that's kind of a neighborhood bar and very friendly and laid back, or at least it used to be. It's called The Works and it's on Columbus Avenue in the Upper West Side, near 79th if I recall. They used to have what was called "beer blast" on Sunday nights starting at something like 6:00 pm and there was none of the typical Friday-night or Saturday-night attitude. Instead it was just a fun bunch of guys unwinding and if it's still going, it might be the kind of casual place that would be good for a newcomer to check out. I really hope some of the New Yorkers among us make some suggestions.

 

And, if you have the ability to take some time away from your parents this summer, consider a trip to Provincetown for a week. Trust me, it will be like freshman year in "gay college". And you'll have a blast and come back knowing some new things about yourself.

 

It probably seems sort of scary, where you are at right now. The whole idea of trying to figure out our own sexuality is tough and forces us to confront big life issues. But all gay guys have gone through the process and it gets a lot easier as you go along and the good news is that the fun part is all in front of you.

 

I really wish you a lot of luck -- and fun!! -- and new gay friends.

 

BG

[Donnie]

>All you will find here are

>people who enjoy pontificating on any subject that comes up,

>whether they know anything about it or not, as well as those

>who want to vent about their own problems or bicker with each

>other

 

And where do you think you fit in? Your talking about yourself, woodchuck. What a fucking moron.

[Guest fukamarine]

>>Why is there always a member who has to nitpick every

>>statement made by a well meaning poster.

>

>Don't know why. Why don't you tell us as you seem to the

>world champion at doing so.

 

Funny thing - when you want to get caustic everybody is fair game.

But if anyone else decides to post a negative comment, you start to froth at the mouth as if you had the holy grail lodged in your ass.

 

>As far as the poster's query I

>don't believe it had a whole heck of a lot to about going out

>and picking up guys for overnight sexual action, so what does

>your query about how many overweight 38 yo men anyone picks up

>have to do with anything?

 

This had NOTHING to do with the original post. You - oh obtuse one -

were questioning Rick - who was trying to clarify BG's comment - that being in decent shape would increase a guy's chances of scoring. You took exception to that as you seemed to think a guy's shape would not be an issue. I disagreed and to make my point I asked you how many out-of-shape guys you had picked up recently. Evidently the logic of that escaped you, as I suspect many things do.

 

fukamarine

[Rick Munroe]

>Wait....I've heard Rick thinks about the Olsen Twin Dolls

>when he jerks off....

 

That's sick (and please don't tell Derek that I bought those already).

[woodlawn]

>And where do you think you fit in? Your talking about

>yourself, woodchuck. What a fucking moron.

 

Thanks for proving my point about the people who post here. If the fellow who started this thread really needs help, a board populated by creatures like you is the very last place he needs to go.

[axebahia]

>How does one really know if he/she is gay for sure?

 

This is a good topic for a thread. I have been thinking about starting a similar one several times recently. I think before we can know whether you are gay, you have to have a sense of what it means to be gay.

 

For instance, I think I am just attracted to beauty. If I am in Rio or Copenhagen I see many wonmen who I would choose over a guy, and if rental prices are the same (rarely) I think I would in those cases choose to rent a woman over a man. If I could get what I want in terms of beauty without renting, I am not sure which I would choose. Luckilly for me God has not seen fit to give me that Hobbesian choice!

 

I am not quite sure that I think that fantasizing or even having sex with men necassarilly means that you are gay. I think that if that is an exclusive preference or orientation that you have, then you are probably gay. But I don't think that necassarilly means that you have to buy into a larger social circle of gay friends, clubs and lifestyles.

 

In the end, I don't think the label is necessary. If you want to have sex with men, do it, but don't feel like you need to buy into someone else's agenda about what else flows from that choice/preference. I think people who emphasize the label, just impose needless baggage on people like you. Avoid the baggage, and remember as the song says "a thrill's a thrill"!

[axebahia]

>How does one really know if he/she is gay for sure?

 

This is a good topic for a thread. I have been thinking about starting a similar one several times recently. I think before we can know whether you are gay, you have to have a sense of what it means to be gay.

 

For instance, I think I am just attracted to beauty. If I am in Rio or Copenhagen I see many wonmen who I would choose over a guy, and if rental prices are the same (rarely) I think I would in those cases choose to rent a woman over a man. If I could get what I want in terms of beauty without renting, I am not sure which I would choose. Luckilly for me God has not seen fit to give me that Hobbesian choice!

 

I am not quite sure that I think that fantasizing or even having sex with men necassarilly means that you are gay. I think that if that is an exclusive preference or orientation that you have, then you are probably gay. But I don't think that necassarilly means that you have to buy into a larger social circle of gay friends, clubs and lifestyles.

 

In the end, I don't think the label is necessary. If you want to have sex with men, do it, but don't feel like you need to buy into someone else's agenda about what else flows from that choice/preference. I think people who emphasize the label, just impose needless baggage on people like you. Avoid the baggage, and remember as the song says "a thrill's a thrill"!