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[jackhammer91406]

This summer depression hit big time and for the first time, the sleepings pills looked like a good alternative. I have always been an upbeat, "can do" kind of guy. But 17 years ago after my first "gay" relationship went south, I decided to fold up my tent and deny the sexual side of me in favor of community service working with the homeless. For a Scorpio, that was hard, but as an actor it was just another role, (only one for life). Finally this year it caught up to me and on several out of town trips I have begun to experiment with masseurs and then finally last Spet. an escort. Letting down the barriers to let someone touch me on a physical and emotional level has been a real stretch. Fortunately I have a good therapist (never place much credibility in that process but I can admit when I am wrong so thankfully it's doing some good). The meds have helped. Here's the problem. I am not a bar type, don't do well with clubs and such, but need to make some friends and have an outlet where I can maybe meet someone that I can feel comfortable getting close to. Of course, the self esteem issue is now an obstacle because I am not in the buff shape I used to be and my general attitude is "who would be interested in me?" None of this is new to most, but very scary for me. I have "lurked" on this board ,as I saw the term used in another thread, and begun to enjoy making this my first stop of the day. There are many posters here, escort and client, who have good intellects and strong self images and I could use some constructive help in finding places to learn about who I really am and whether I can like who that is. Realize I have left an opening big enough for several large trucks to drive through for those who would want to deconstruct in a negative way and I think I am prepared for that. But would appreciate some feedback.

By the way, I am not as bad a Scorpio as bluenix indicated. But almost.

jack

[Guest Slammy]

Your post was very honest. You are on your way to opening up as you know what your problem is. Companionship comes from everywhere. I found that I was very emotionally needy, so I am trying to be more gentle to myself and not look outside myself for inner strength.

By being more vulnerable I find that I connect with people everywhere.

Sunday I met a wonderful person just casually talking about the upcoming elections. We were both on the same page politically,and so we hit it off. This all started in a line at a supermarket. It then proceeded out the door, and we conversed for a half hour, exchanged numbers and have talked once.

 

I know the feeling of loneliness and thinking that something out there is going to make me better. But I try to be as generous as I can with myself, "to everyone", not just hot looking people. If a street person asks for money, I give it. I try to be of service to the world, and in the last few months I have been feeling much better.

 

I realize that I am a whole person, and cannot turn charm off and on depending on the situation. I try to treat everyone the same.

[Guest DevonSFescort]

I'm a big believer in adult education, both as a means of stimulating a sense of renewal and growth when you're down and as a way to broaden your circle of acquaintances and let new people in. Is there anything you've always wanted to learn how to do, like paint, cook, take up a type of self-defense, etc.? If the 91406 in your screen name is a zip code then you live near Los Angeles, so you might be able to find classes like these in gay settings (for example taking the self-defense class at a gay gym). I'm not sure if LA has any kind of gay adult education center along the lines of the Harvey Milk Institute here in San Francisco, but it's worth checking out.

 

Even if you don't meet your match in one of these classes, in addition to reaping the benefits of learning for its own sake, you might make new friends with common interests and expose yourself to THEIR circle of acquaintances, etc. A lot of it is just putting yourself out there, anywhere, so that you're varying and increasing the number of people you come into contact with on a regular basis. Taking a class, or joining a group that deals with something that interests you, can be a structured, non-threatening way to do that.

[trilingual]

As someone who is also living with depression, DO stay with the meds and, if you're finding it useful, the therapy. If you've been on a medication for a while and find that you're still not feeling OK (even if there has been an improvement) talk with your psychiatrist about trying something else. Everyone seems to respond differently to the various meds available, and finding the best one for you is a bit of a trial and error process. Whatever you do, be sure to tell your doc you want to avoid any of the meds that cause impotence, because that can just lead you right back into being depressed! I've had good luck with Wellbutrin, which doesn't cause sexual problems, but I understand some of the newer products also are effective without zapping your libido.

 

After years of useless therapy, I got talked into participating in a cognitive therapy group and I have to confess finding it useful. Instead of being deeply analytical (puh-lease!) it's very practical: the goal is to help you identify your own thought processes and how some of them may contribute to making yourself depressed. For me, as an example, it tended to be "all or nothing" thinking, like "I've got to clean up my house because it's become a major disaster area". (When I was deeply depressed, I was NOT in a mood for cleaning!!!) Nothing the matter with cleaning up my house, but I would then I would feel that I had to complete the job once and for all, and when that wasn't possible because I got pulled away to do other things, I'd feel guilty or like I was a failure because I hadn't met the unrealistic goal I'd set myself. Instead, I've learned to set more achievable goals so I'm not constantly disappointing myself and feeling like I've failed (in the case of cleaning the house, breaking the task down into smaller parts, like "this afternoon I'll straighten the magazines and pitch out the old ones," which are more manageable and achievable.) This is just an example. There are other thought processes people fall into that can lead to depression, and cognitive therapy can help you identify which ones you may be using that are contributing to your depression. However, therapy is only an adjunct to treatment with meds, because depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and therapy alone is unlikely to fix that. What therapy can do, once you've climbed out of the pit with the help of meds, is to be more self-aware and avoid doing things that push you back into the pit!

 

Once you're out of the deepest part of your depression, suggestions like Devon's are good for helping re-orient yourself to things that are more positive and help you re-connect with people. Lord knows, it's really easy to become isolated when you're deeply depressed. If you're not too down in the dumps, visit the "Escorts South of the U.S.A." section and think about a trip to Brazil. Getting out of your everyday situation and forcing yourself to deal with a different country and culture can help you focus on something other than your everyday problems and routine and give you some new perspectives. Of course, some encounters with Brazilian guys who get hot and horny over you even if you're no longer some buff hunk can do wonders for building your self-esteem. It helped me start to think that maybe I have something to offer (and I don't just mean escort fees!) besides a hard body, which is definitely not something I've got to give! ;-) Besides, there must be something in the water in Brazil. It's REALLY hard to be depressed there!

[Bilbo]

I would suggest the gay churches, particularly the MCCs (Metropolitan Community Churches). Also, I would suggest the Body Electric classes (BodyElectric.org). They are based in California, so if you actually are out there they will be even easier for you to attend than it is for me. (Finally attending my first class with them this weekend.)

 

I certainly wouldn't suggest that as seasoned an actor as you are do any community theatre without remuneration. However, your area might have one or more gay theatres that could really use your talents and the payback would be in openly gay friends. (I find myself assuming that you are not a readily recognized media actor, which would, of course, complicate things.)

 

And I am sure that there are other things which you already know. I wholeheartedly approve of the classes idea, but if you were to also/instead join a club which specializes in something in which you are already good, and if you weren't too pushy about it, I'm sure that you could get strokes from people who feel they could learn from you about that subject. Trading newbieness ("I'll help you come out of your gardening [gun shooting, vintage cars, etc, etc] closet if you help me out of my gay closet." might be an interesting swap.)