Coming Out Pitfalls: Bridges you didnt know you crossed

[NYTomcat]

Don't get me wrong. This is not a post to bitch about my situation.

 

That said You have all been so supportive but I get a lot of people who ask me how things are going and I have been generally very upbeat about the whole process. I cannot really complain. I have come out and found a supportive family... many supportive friends... A community that I am starting to get to know and enjoy both locally and in NYC... well and hell I am having more sex that I have since ... well ever. So who am I to complain. Hell even my inlaws have been supportive.

 

So I really have no right to bitch... that said I'm a gay man so I guess it just comes naturally. However I don't want to give the false impression that this is a panacea of peaches and cream. and today was certainly a low.

 

You see it is my sons 11th birthday. As usual, rather than a big party he choose a couple good friends to spend the day and then have a sleep over. He appreciates spending the party money having close friends do more than a large impersonal gathering with less. So with great care, he handpicked his group of 7 friends in which he wanted to have his usual slumber party.

 

Two of these select invitees are the sons of my wifes and my closest friends. An obvious choice as our kids have grown up together, vacationed together, spent holidays together. Clearly they were closer than most of our actual family members. Given that close relationship between not only our children but the parents as well, They were one of the first to be told that my wife and I are seperating and the one of the very few that were disclosed the reasons. It seemed an obvious choice as they have always been a very progressive couple, lots of gay friends and even a transgendered sibling with whom we are very close.

 

Well after telling them, we noticed a certain distance that was suddenly imposed. Honestly we thought it was more out of discomfort being they were so close to both of us and not wanting to take sides should my spouse and I go to war... as often happens. But as I said... I am very lucky... not battling in court or trying to defend my lifestyle and parenting rights. So we thought nothing of it. However, the invitation to the birthday party for the kids seemed a no brainer.

 

My wife received a call today that while the boys would be attending during the evening they would not be able to spend the night for the slumber party. In fact they would only be here so long as my wife would be there to supervise. My wife did not want to tell me that apparently they were uncomfortable having the boys sleep in the same house with me or whom they described as a "potential predator"

 

To be honest I know I should have thicker skin for such nonsense. But I was truly blindsided. To her credit my wife picked up a rainbow flag and eviscerated them with it. "Your children could use some time with someone as open and accepting as (Tomcat) and away from biggots like their parents." If only I were straight... I do pick good people to share my life with... (Well Mostly) I don't care so much as my life has moved past these narrow minded people but I had to watch my sons eyes as he couldn't have his closest friends in the world share his big day. He took it like a trooper though I know he really didnt understand... and god I hope he never does... or never has to that is.

 

I guess, I knew I was ready to pay whatever price needed to be paid for my decisions. I just never realized part of that cost would be watching my loved ones pay for me. In my heart I know it means very little to him in the big picture. But as a father its hard not to want your children never to suffer... especially for the choices you have made for yourself.

 

Sometimes it seems there is a wicked lyric for everything in life

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwN1c5KR10w&feature=related

 

I couldn't be happier

No, I couldn't be happier

Though it is, I admit

the tiniest bit

unlike I anticipated

But I couldn't be happier,

simply couldn't be happier,

Well-- not "simply"

'Cause getting your dreams,

it's strange, but it seems

a little, well, complicated.

There's a kind of sort of... cost.

There's a couple of things get... lost.

There are bridges you cross

you didn't know you crossed

until you crossed.

and if the that joy, that thrill,

doesn't thrill you like you think it will...

Still--

with this perfect finale,

the cheers and the ballyhoo,

who

wouldn't be happier?

So I couldn't be happier.

Because happy is what happens

when all your dreams come true.

Well, isn't it?

Happy is what happens

when your dreams come true.

[Guest greatness]

Well

 

Tom I hope you are ok and good for you that you have a wonderful wife who stands up for you. What you've experienced happens to a single parent who is straight too. Even straight parents sometimes get scrutinized intensively these days when they send their kids to slumber parties. It is not your fault at all. At least your son had a birthday party. Hugs~~~

[+ deej]

My wife received a call today that while the boys would be attending during the evening they would not be able to spend the night for the slumber party. In fact they would only be here so long as my wife would be there to supervise. My wife did not want to tell me that apparently they were uncomfortable having the boys sleep in the same house with me or whom they described as a "potential predator"

 

To be honest I know I should have thicker skin for such nonsense. But I was truly blindsided. To her credit my wife picked up a rainbow flag and eviscerated them with it. "Your children could use some time with someone as open and accepting as (Tomcat) and away from biggots like their parents." If only I were straight... I do pick good people to share my life with... (Well Mostly) I don't care so much as my life has moved past these narrow minded people but I had to watch my sons eyes as he couldn't have his closest friends in the world share his big day. He took it like a trooper though I know he really didnt understand... and god I hope he never does... or never has to that is.

 

Unfortunately, he does have to know and he can best learn the lesson directly from you and not from the bigot parents of his friends.

 

I suspect his friendships will survive. He will likely also learn from his friends that they don't agree with their parents. If he doesn't, he needs to hear FROM YOU why.

 

I wish you didn't have to live through this. I wish none of us did. But your son represents the generation that will move us beyond it. Help him see the future in the right light. He needs you now more than you need us.

[NYTomcat]

Unfortunately, he does have to know and he can best learn the lesson directly from you and not from the bigot parents of his friends.

 

I suspect his friendships will survive. He will likely also learn from his friends that they don't agree with their parents. If he doesn't, he needs to hear FROM YOU why.

 

I wish you didn't have to live through this. I wish none of us did. But your son represents the generation that will move us beyond it. Help him see the future in the right light. He needs you now more than you need us.

 

This is where I have the real dilemmna. My son sees the divorce as a negative... obviously. Should I point out we have seen certain signs that he may be gay himself (like asking if we would be upset if he brought a boyfriend home) Needless to say very few people have been told of why the divorce is occuring. Especially since the kids would bear the brunt of that in school. We also do not want our son attaching the negative of divorce to being gay. So for now the kids have not been told at my wifes request and I'm not sure I disagree for the moment. Im walking a mine field on that one. But yes I have had a long discussion that It was the parents fight and not the kids that was the problem. I hope I traversed it well enough.. we will see.

[Guest greatness]

Well

 

My parents used to fight a lot. I cried a lot because it was sad. My mom used to explain to me why they fight but I couldn't understand her at that time. I do now, however. Your children will understand it if they don't now. I hope you are not too hard on yourself for this. Cheers.

 

This is where I have the real dilemmna. My son sees the divorce as a negative... obviously. Should I point out we have seen certain signs that he may be gay himself (like asking if we would be upset if he brought a boyfriend home) Needless to say very few people have been told of why the divorce is occuring. Especially since the kids would bear the brunt of that in school. We also do not want our son attaching the negative of divorce to being gay. So for now the kids have not been told at my wifes request and I'm not sure I disagree for the moment. Im walking a mine field on that one. But yes I have had a long discussion that It was the parents fight and not the kids that was the problem. I hope I traversed it well enough.. we will see.

[Rick Munroe]

To her credit my wife picked up a rainbow flag and eviscerated them with it. "Your children could use some time with someone as open and accepting as (Tomcat) and away from biggots like their parents."

 

Very cool. She could also have added (or you could tell them now) that the overwhelming majority of pedophiles are heterosexual (like, over 90%) so maybe your son is safe by not sleeping over at their house.

 

I guess, I knew I was ready to pay whatever price needed to be paid for my decisions. I just never realized part of that cost would be watching my loved ones pay for me. In my heart I know it means very little to him in the big picture. But as a father its hard not to want your children never to suffer... especially for the choices you have made for yourself.

 

But you didn't choose or decide to be gay. So it is what it is.

[justaguy]

TC, sorry to hear this happened to you. But it happens. Kudos to your wife and to you for handling it well. Unfortunately, some ugly generalizations are out there: All Catholic priests are pedophiles. All gay men are pedophiles. Rick has the satistic right, but it gets lost in the repetition of the false generalization made by those who want to demonize gays. I'm not sure that we (the gay community) address this issue forcefully or vocally enough. I know that I'm very aware of it when I select pics for the gallery. There are some that I simply won't post because the model, or the way the model is portrayed crosses some undefined line in my mind--this is a kid, not a young man. Again, so sorry this happened to you. But again, from everything you've posted I'd say you are doing this the right way. And that counts.

[Guest greatness]

Tom I hope you are feeling better today.. This is for you.

 

http://lucks.com/UserFiles/Image/DI_Worlds-Greatest-Dad.jpg

[Diverdan]

Tom,

My heart goes out to you with this situation, and thanks for sharing. I think you did the right thing in all of this, and kudos to your wife as well. I have a dear friend who went through something very similar. He waited until his son was around 12 or 13 to have an extensive discussion with him about "everything" and it brought them closer together. There is no right or wrong time for such discussions, and hopefully your son, with whom you already have a great relationship will become even stronger as a result. Eventually his ex-wife married another man and the three of them have a great relationship with the two sons from their marriage. One is happily married and the other son is happily gay! Just know that you have many friends here and guys who share your experiences. I am looking forward to meeting you in person, TC and admire you for what you are doing and how you are handling your decisions and the consequences.

Dan

[ChiTown]

Tom,

 

You have taken a huge and very brave step toward the rest of your life. I truly admire you for your courage and strength in doing so.

 

All my best wishes to you and your family as you continue your process of transition. Much happiness now and in the future, my friend.

 

ChiTown

[jgoo]

I feel so much for what you are going through and the difficulties being faced, not only for you but for everyone that is impacted by it in some direct or indirect, intentional or unintentional way. In no way am I excusing what the parents of your son's friends did or said, however it should be acknowledge that they are dealing with a situation that few of us may have any real experience with or understanding of either. Everyone will react differently based on all their own background, baggage and experiences. I would imagine that as close friends to you and your wife they have many emotions to deal with of their own, and some of that may result in things being said or done that are reactionary, ignorant or even spiteful because of what they are experiencing. It does not excuse them and what they are going through certainly does not compare in any way to what you and your family are going through but it does not diminish the fact that they are faced with a situation that is new and perhaps frightening to them. They said and did a stupid thing. How you and your wife react is your decision and should not only take into consideration this situation but use it as a way to learn to deal with other difficult similar situations that may come up in the future. Perhaps not practical, but could you and your wife have sat down with the couple to discuss openly their fears and concerns? I assume that before this all happened they were worthy of your friendship. Is there an opportunity to educate them, to help them to cope with this new situation they are faced with and to salvage a once valued friendship? Only you and your wife can answer that question.

[Guest Wetnwildbear]

You Are Indeed Fortunate

 

Dear TC

 

You are indeed fortunate that your future Ex-Wife is so understanding and supportive.

 

I had a friend go through something similar but not nearly as civil. Private investigators, illegal wiretaps/recordings,

 

photos, etc.

 

 

But the one thing the spouse employing these methods finally realized that as I kept telling the other spouse

 

even once these tactics were discovered - Is remember you two are going to be involved for the rest of your

 

lives through your children and need to come to terms. The offending spouse - actually thanked me for those word

 

which were heard through the illegal wiretap. And they now have a great relationship which includes the gay

 

former spouse's new partner - but it took nearly 2 years to get to this happy place.

 

 

You are extremely fortunate that your spouse - realizes this today - and is making the transition what it should

 

be - Done in the way that is in the best interest of the children. Hopefully, when all is done - you will continue

 

to have a true friendship.

 

 

But be prepared - that things may get bumpy as she comes to the realization that this is not a phase, is not going

 

to change, means a tremendous life change for her - there may be some backlash.

 

Be prepared - Ride the Wave

 

and Remember -that you are tied to each other for the rest of your lives through the joy of the children and someday

 

grandchildren you share and will share -

 

 

Be strong, supportive, understanding - But don't compromise yourself - You have certainly come a long way very

 

quickly.

 

 

Peace, Love and Happiness!