Can any of you partnered guys give a younger chap some advice? Sex on the 1st date...

[JoeyBryant]

I know what I'm going to say is probably the antithesis of escorting, but I'm sure some of you know that I'm single and I also go on dates in addition to escorting.

 

Well, with all the traveling and everything I occasionally meet up with guys and we'll hangout and just have fun...its not a hookup. Well, when I do sometimes they already know I'm just visiting if I tell them. So to me I just feel like, well we can't actually date each other so whats the big deal if we go to bed with each other?

 

However there has been about 2 times within the past few months where I met someone who I really liked and we messed around on the 1st time. And then after that we went our separate ways and I wished I didn't do it. The other day, I met a guy in Dallas who was the identical image of the type of guy I had envisioned to meet just a couple days earlier. He was Latin (Brazilian to be exact), my height, decorated with tattoos all over, beautiful body...just my type in every way - However, I do happen to have more than 1 type so its not exclusive to those features - But to top it off he was even in the same line of work as me (not escorting). Even better, he liked me as much as I liked him. He talked about how he just moved here and wanted to make friends, but he knew I was just visiting so the potential for it to take-off probably didn't seem likely to him.

 

Nevertheless, we met at a male strip-club of all places; his idea (we originally met online). We both had a great time and then afterward we went to his place and had some damn good... well, fun. We didn't do everything though.

 

Well, 2 days later I can already tell that I'm not going to be seeing him and he won't be seeing me again. We haven't communicated, he didn't respond to 2 of my texts...I just feel stupid having messed around so soon. Even if I am relocating, I would have stuck around for a bit and see what would happen between us. I have nothing to lose by doing so, as I can work in Dallas just as much as I can work where I'm going. Of course, I haven't revealed that to him yet....but it'd seem like I'm desperate if I did.

 

But it seems like even if I did, it'd be too late. I feel he already got me so that's that. Its weird because as escorts, one may have their regulars...but it doesn't generally work that way with dating. And it doesn't always happen that way...I've had 1st date sex with some guys and we ended up best friends, or in some cases we continued dating several times beyond that.

 

Anyhow, what would you suggest? Did you hold back on your partner, or were you all just fuck bunnies from the start?

[josephga]

except for 1 time I held out for around 2 months b4 I did anything past kissing. I had no regrets with that choice and would still do it today. But I do have very strong will power I can kiss, cuddle spoon with a guy in bed and still be able to have the self control to go no future.. I know some guys that make the choice to wait but lack the self control so they make it a point too not go to spend the night at the guys house until they are ready

[JoeyBryant]

except for 1 time I held out for around 2 months b4 I did anything past kissing. I had no regrets with that choice and would still do it today. But I do have very strong will power I can kiss, cuddle spoon with a guy in bed and still be able to have the self control to go no future.. I know some guys that make the choice to wait but lack the self control so they make it a point too not go to spend the night at the guys house until they are ready

 

I think after this I'm definently going to be more diligent about not jumping in the sack right away. Its been over a year since I've met a guy where we went on several dates before we actually did anything. Even though it didn't work out, it was nice to be able to have a Saturday night date every week. Not to fail taking responsibilities for my own actions, but I feel too that it takes 2 to NOT tango lol. I shouldn't be the only one trying not to do something on the 1st date. Its like I always have to be the one to try so hard to not do something. Thats sucks. I want to know that they want something more than sex, and I just don't get that from the guys I've dated.

 

Another thing is, being that I met this guy on adam4adam it seems inevitable that it wouldn't go anywhere even if I wanted it to. For example, I met a guy in Miami thru a friend while we were at starbucks. We messed around on the 1st date, but after that he still saw me everyday and we went out and he was liking me more and more each day. He was another of my types - White, muscler body and hairy with a few tattoos. But, he also had a profile on adam4adam. Something tells me that had I met him on adam4adam, we would not have been on the same wavelength.

 

Its like I meet guys off adam and they think of meeting guys on there as just disposable nobodies, and its on to the next guy and the next guy...

[+ Charlie]

I had sex with hundreds of men on the first date. Many of them I never saw again. Some of them became casual friends. A few became close friends. Two of them became my partners. You can't predict, so there are no hard and fast rules.

[josephga]

everyone i went out with i met on match .com or through friends. I dated a guy just over 3 years that i met and a sci fi/horror convention

i know a guy that met someone at a Metallica concert and ended up together for 8 years

[JoeyBryant]

I had sex with hundreds of men on the first date. Many of them I never saw again. Some of them became casual friends. A few became close friends. Two of them became my partners. You can't predict, so there are no hard and fast rules.

 

LOL, wow stud muffin...but 2 partners out of hundreds of quick flings certainly doesn't get my hopes up Now, was it a mutual decision to not further it beyond never see again or was it that either of you were not looking or did one put the effort in and the other didn't?

 

Its funny cause I can detach myself from a business encounter even if the guy is my perfect type (which has happened enough times unfortunately). But when I meet with someone on a personal level its harder to move on...even though I know I can probably meet someone else just as fine in the near future.

[dfw2sfo]

I've been in two relationships with the first being 8 years and the current one for 11 years. Both guys I met and slept with the first on the first night.

[+ Shoreboy]

This is very interesting and I am always impressed with Joey's insightful postings.

 

I have had two excellent relationships in my life and both were diametrically opposed in how we began.

 

My first, which lasted 3 years began with a hot romp in the sack and progressed from there. However, we did grow apart simply because both of us believed the relationship was built on sex and then we moved into getting to know each other. Amazingly, and this is not a cliche, we are still very close friends and see each other often.

 

My second, who is the love of my life, is still going strong after 13 years. However, this one was begun in a much different manner. We met online when "chatting" cost money...remember those days??

 

We chatted for awhile before meeting and began seeing each other. We got to know each other, found out where we were similar, wher we were not but could learn from each other, cooked for each other and finally consumated our relationship after 6 months. There were many times when we wanted to just strip down and get to business before that, but thankfully (for us) we waited.

 

Now 13 years later we are like a typical married couple, but discussed all issues before we moved forward. We have this thing whereby whenever we need to discuss things we do it in the jacuzzi whereby we are both naked and vulnerable with no barriers whatsoever.

 

However, what might surprise most of you is that we have decided not to live together. He has his house which he loves and I have my house which I love. So, while a week never goes by without one of us being in the other's house, we still like, value and cherish our privacy and alone times.

 

I feel what made this relationship work for us (and each and every relationship is totally different) is that when we both met online neither one of us was looking for a relationship...I think that was the key factor in forming a budding relationship.

 

That's my story, but I have also learned that with the heart there are few rules...so there is no right or wrong...only what works for two people who happen to fall in love

[dcguy20]

Joey,

 

After reading your initial post, I feel that you've taken all of the blame so-to-speak as to why that Brazilian guy didn't return your texts. There were two of you involved, so who knows exactly what's going on with him.

 

For example, years ago in DC I went to a bar and hit it off with a guy I met there. After a couple of hours of banter and wonderful conversation we headed back to his place. I spent the night and he even drove me home the next morning. I thought I really would have heard from him again, but nothing. Several months later I ran into him and point blank asked what happened. He told me he was in a relationship (something I ask guys ever since). My point is, there's probably a reason why you haven't heard from him, but I doubt it's because you chose to have sex with him that first night.

 

I've also met guys in the past that I was hot for, and right after having sex with them I realized it was all about the hormones. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

Do what is right for you, but blaming yourself for doing something enjoyable takes away from the fun you had.

[+ Charlie]

LOL, wow stud muffin...but 2 partners out of hundreds of quick flings certainly doesn't get my hopes up Now, was it a mutual decision to not further it beyond never see again or was it that either of you were not looking or did one put the effort in and the other didn't?

 

Its funny cause I can detach myself from a business encounter even if the guy is my perfect type (which has happened enough times unfortunately). But when I meet with someone on a personal level its harder to move on...even though I know I can probably meet someone else just as fine in the near future.

 

How many partners do you want? I didn't have time for more than two, because between them I had forty-six years of domestic partnership.

[Diverdan]

Joey,

I don't think there is any "right" or "wrong" answer to your question, which you already realize in your posting. At your age, I suggest that you remain open to all possibilities. You probably won't escort forever, although there are some great escorts in their 40s and one even in his 50s that I know. However, both of these "older guys" have other full time careers and the escorting is a side business, and as one of them says, it is a side business with incredible benefits !!!!!

 

IMHO it is harder to build a long lasting relationship when there is sex involved on the first date. There is always the question, "is there something more here than the chemistry"? At least that has been the situation for me and for most of my long term friends. I had a college buddy who was really HOT in every way, and I was totally unaware that he was gay. About ten years after college we accidentally met in a gay bar in DC. We were both surprised to see each other in that location, and we talked for three hours straight. We didn't hit the sack together that night, but did meet up at his place in NYC a couple of months later. We spent three days together both in and out of bed, but we agreed that it would probably not be anything more. We still stay in touch and remain friends, but we have no regrets and realize that other than great chemistry, there was nothing else for the future. But neither one of us have any regrets.

 

That is a long way of saying, be open to what comes your way, explore a wide variety of relationships, and one day you will know if there is someone worth making changes in your life for regardless of how or where you meet. Good luck.

 

DD

[JoeyBryant]

My point is, there's probably a reason why you haven't heard from him, but I doubt it's because you chose to have sex with him that first night.

 

I don't doubt that most, if not all the guys I've met from the chat have been in some type of relationship, or just got out of one earlier that night. Ditto with the club lifestyle. Just downright awful options of guys to meet. And this guy was no exception...

 

The good news is we did have plans tonight, and our schedules were on sync up until a couple hours prior. Unfortunently, He then sends me some lame text message that he got into a hit and run accident (which in Texas on a weekend night is typical . Yet, he couldn't actually tell me that until I told him I'm discarding his number after I heard nothing from him until 11:30. On top of that it was a nasty reply message which only validated my decision. Which in my book, is unacceptable. Thats like having a 9 pm appointment from a client, and then they not let me know they aren't show. A normal person would have been like, "oh I apologize for not calling you earlier to let you know this happened..." Instead that M.F. called me an asshole for not waiting around like a f-ing idiot on whether or not our plans are on or not. This is DFW, there's plenty other guys I could have gone out with tonight, or even seen a client...than to wait on no answer.

 

You know what I really think the issue is sometimes? I'm a 23 y/o Black guy who prefers guys a bit older than I and that won't hesistate to date outside of my race. But not a sugar daddy type scenario, someone younger as "stats" have it that most younger Blk guys probabaly get with older guys for some ulterior motive; not because the attraction is there. So what do I get? Either they are just 'trying out' the 'other side' (e.g., a Black guy) for fun but wouldn't actually date one, or they have some insatiable appetite for Black guys so forget about actually dating one, they just want to fuck them all. I believe this guy was the latter.

 

I hope I'm not sounding desperate to be in a relationship, because I'm not and I enjoy my own company very much. But I think the gay dating scene here in America is a bit perverted and unless you're the stereotypical punk who only dates your stereotypical match, then you're in for a wild ride. Anybody can have a 1 night stand, but to move it to something beyond that seems to be a stretch of the imagination in my scenario.

 

Although this isn't an option at this point in time, but I've always found more men from New York to be the most likely ones willing to date AND are real AND want something more than just a 1 night stand.