Ending An Expensive Addiction

[Guest lipstick]

Just when I think this site has been going through some dull times, this thread pops up!

 

For the situation that Wanderer is in, and for the wonderful thoughts and suggestions that Boston Guy has shared with us, it seems to me that there is a confluence of sorts in what a lot of us guys go through, even if we are all from different parts of the country. What Wanderer is going through and what Boston Guy has suggested, I myself have been going through in almost the exact context!!

 

I too had been using my time (and money)with a special escort as a "surrogate lover." In my case the money was not so much the problem as was the emotional commitment that I was putting on this business relationship. When I think about what I was up to, I was using my monthly visits to essentially foster a "boy-friend" relationship.

 

Things finally came to a head when the escort put a stop to it all, not by breaking up the arrangement, but by essentially helping me to see what I was really doing, and indirectly having me question myself if that was what I really wanted to do for my own love life. He could have continued to take my money and played along, but I guess it was not his nature to do that to someone whom he respected as a person. It took me a while to accept his true friendship, but I finally did embark on a new way of seeing my life as a 49 yo Gay guy who has a lot to give, and who needs a lot out of life, both emotionally and sexually.

 

The strange confluence part is that of what Boston recommends, I have been doing almost to the letter!

 

I did join a fitness club and am feeling the best that I have ever felt in a long time. For one who used to have a problem looking at pictures of myself, and not liking what I saw, I am finally beginning to like what I see when I look in the mirrors of the gym environment.

 

One thing that I did do which Boston Guy did not have on his list was that I used my health insurance to see a therapist, essentially to help me to come out to my family as a Gay guy. I don't know if that is a factor for Wanderer, but it is certainly for me. I've also been attending a weekly Coming Out Support group in San Francisco at the fairly new LGBT Community Center, and in the process, am meeting and becoming friends with a diverse group of guys who are facing, or trying to face, similar yet unique problems about accepting oneself, and in trying to meet other guys. And Boston is right; in any other type of social setting, I have been finding guys MY AGE attractive!!

 

Along with all this, I can really say that I am feeling the greatest sense of contentment and satisfaction in what I'm doing with my life now than I have even felt in over God knows how many years of isolation as a closeted guy. There are still some doubts and lonely times that come up, to be sure. You guys have already said it: it's a long and interesting journey, but one that I'm willing to take. I don't quite know where it'll lead me, but I KNOW that it's more rewarding that if I never questioned my motives and just continued to do what I had been doing, until the money or the emotions ran their course.

 

And in all of this, I do take great comfort in realizing and accepting the friendship and true concern of a guy whom I first met as an escort. And yes, I still periodically see my escort buddy, but the emotional context is so different and honest now that the sex just flows so freely, and the deep underpinnings and stress of a boy-friend fantasy fulfillment are no longer present.

 

Overall, I guess I have been truly lucky to have people who care about me, and as my escort friend has said, I'm also smart and in tune with my self enough to know when a change is needed, and to get on with it.

 

And you know what? The hardest part about all this has been to be able to accept the feeling that I do deserve to find some happiness and contentment out in the big world. And once you realize and accept that, then the commitment and investment you make for YOURSELF is a little bit easier, and life doesn't seem as intimidating and frightening.

 

Thanks!

[Guest newawlens]

>While I feel some sympathy for you guys, I really don't 'get

>it'. I mean for me the restriction on hiring escorts is

>totally financial-related.

>

>Thanks to an inheritance, I've engaged the services of ten

>different escorts over the past eleven months and although

>one was to let me down in subsequent encounters, I can

>honestly say that I've had a blast with each of them. Now,

>I'll probably be hiring maybe 4-5 times a year. But if I

>had the financial resources that some of our fellow

>posters/reviewers seem to have, I'm sure I could put

>together a list with 20-30 names on it in very short order

>and have a great time with all of them!

 

Maybe our tastes are different, I don't know. Speaking only for myself, only a tiny percentage of the escorts reviewed here are people I would consider hiring. More than 90% of the reviews I see are of escorts who live in cities I never visit, who are too old for me (I don't care to hire outside the 20s), who don't have bodies and

looks I would pay for, or some combination of those factors.

 

 

With those I have hired, the main problem is that in terms of looks and personality most promise the superlative but only deliver the mediocre, and I am just not interested in going to a lot of trouble for a mediocre experience. I've hired three escorts who have many positive reviews here. Of those, two were mediocre and I would not hire them again. One was just as good as his reviews, but he is so busy between hooking and making porn videos that he is never available when I'm available, so his good qualities are of no use to me. Hope that explains it for you.

[alanalt]

Dunno if I'm less discriminating ;-) , certainly I found that some of my best experiences were with guys in their early 30s...

 

But you're quite right 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder' and a 'successful' escort encounter is a very subjective thing. Hopefully, you'll have better luck in the future (if you keep hiring).

 

Alan

[Guest alanm]

This is an interesting topic, with some great responses. I have seen some ecorts for years and others for just a short period over the last 4.5 years. I have not had the addiction problem, but you do start to get weary of always remembering that it's not a real relationship. I have hired some great escorts, including Gabe, who has already been discussed with high regard. Certainly, a kind of friendship can develop that is really nice, but again it is not the same as a friendship based on the usual foundation. The same thing applies to the sex. It's a lot of fun, but would not be happening without money exchanging hands.

[Boston Guy]

Thanks; it's a community

 

Just got back from a few days on the road. Thanks very much to all of you who offered such kind words above.

 

The term 'gay community' isn't used as much as it used to be and I've heard people even doubt its existence. But, for me, it's real and it's supposed to mean something. And kind of fundamental to the whole idea of a community is that if someone says "Hey, I need some help or advice here", then you lend a hand.

 

That's all I was trying to do -- lend a hand. After all, isn't that what this Message Center is all about?

 

Thanks again -- you made my day. :-)

 

BG

[Will]

RE: Thanks; it's a community

 

>The term 'gay community' isn't used as much as it used to be

>and I've heard people even doubt its existence. But, for

>me, it's real and it's supposed to mean something. And kind

>of fundamental to the whole idea of a community is that if

>someone says "Hey, I need some help or advice here", then

>you lend a hand.

 

Now I see what you mean, and now I agree with you. Thanks for opening my eyes!

[Boston Guy]

RE: Thanks; it's a community

 

:-)

[chrismac]

RE: Thanks; it's a community

 

As one who has often been cynical of the idea of a so-called gay community, I can agree with Boston Guy's characterization of what we're doing here is building that community. That, and the many good works of people who volunteer their time (and from this board - both escorts and clients alike) for worthy causes.

 

While I still see a vacuum in the "real" world - where getting together and discussing topics, problem solving, and all that has, in my opinion, a low level of occurence - I guess we should appreciate it whenever we see it. And it definitely occurs here. :-)

[Guest Slammy]

RE: Thanks; it's a community

 

Wow,

 

What great responses......honest and truly heartfelt. I am so grateful for this subject. Thank you again Will for the good wishes, and I will try to do this one day at a time. I was truly horrified by my addiction behavior, the frantic calls and pleadings.

 

I neglected to disclose one point of the conversation with the escort on the last call to sever the relationship. I had told him in the frantic calls that I had set aside extra money,....etc. His reply was to hold on to the money (as if for a future meeting). Strange response,because in NYC there are plenty of other hot escorts that I could use the money on. But the addict in me felt good, because there was hope to get to see him again.

 

I am sharing all this psycho-drama, as I hope it helps someone, like I have been helped by all the postings here. These particular postings are so salubrious. I have re-read them many, many times.

 

I am so grateful I did not do anything that would have landed me in jail. You know the horror of being over forty or fifty and being gay and not hooked up is bad. I have a companion but the sex is over and there is great friendship. But most gay men want guys in their twenties or early thirties. Strangely my neighbor, a straight divorced man who is 46 said it might be a good investment for him to pay for a sex change for me, as he loved me as a human, and if only he could sleep with me. My other straight business friends in whom I have confided about my escort episode all say the same thing. "Why would you have to pay.....if I looked like you and had your personality". So the temptation to just buy what you want is so strong. And in NYC there are so many offerings.

 

Honestly, I really miss this escort. The sick part of me is so angry that I screwed up with my behavior. The rational part of me says, why waste time and money on something that is meaningless. Then I say, well, the meaning is hot sex.........

 

Most of all.........what a great, great,sharing this has been.

[Guest Wanderer]

After reading the last several messages, I have tears in my eyes. I thought I was the only one with the problem, but it seems like several of us have wrestled with it at different levels. It's too bad we live so far away from one another.(I live in PA). It would be great to meet some of you just to sit and chat. I know that will not happen, esp. with my schedule. Hang in there guys. You have good hearts and gentle spirits and that is what forms true community and true friendships.

[Will]

RE: Thanks; it's a community

 

Yes, Chris, I fully agree with you. What I didn't understand until yesterday about BG's long discussions of "gay community" in the past is his apparently fundamental assumption that being a member of this community is voluntary. To be a member of the "gay" community (or "a" gay community) you have to describe yourself as gay. Beyond that, though, it's all voluntary. The gay community that -- I continue to believe -- exists on this board has the effects that are, really, the subject of this thread. Not only is it fun and interesting to be part of this community. I am truly honored to be associated with the men who bring so much of their own lives to these threads. Not all do, of course. But that's their choice and we can choose to do differently.

[Will]

Wow. A stupid thing to say, I know, but: Wow. PA is not far from NYC unless you live in Pittsburgh, and Slammy lives in NYC. This is the gajillionth time I've said that it would be great if we could have an M4M get-together (a HooDown? Sorry), but I'll say it again. At least we could do one on the East Coast, and maybe others in the Midwest, the South, and the West would follow. Just because everybody can't be in the same place at the same time is no reason why some of us can't be in the same place at the same time. Shall we?

[chrismac]

Set it up and I'll fly out. A non-sexual thing; just some guys hanging out to share great conversation (hopefully some laughs too!).

 

Sounds like a great way to spend a day or weekend.

 

Let me know.

[Cooper]

>Wow. A stupid thing to say, I know, but: Wow. PA is not

>far from NYC unless you live in Pittsburgh, and Slammy lives

>in NYC. This is the gajillionth time I've said that it

>would be great if we could have an M4M get-together (a

>HooDown? Sorry), but I'll say it again. At least we could

>do one on the East Coast, and maybe others in the Midwest,

>the South, and the West would follow. Just because

>everybody can't be in the same place at the same time is no

>reason why some of us can't be in the same place at the same

>time. Shall we?

 

Where there is a "Will" there is a way.

NYC would make for a perfect host town. The Mayor is always trying to attract tourists to visit and stimulate the economy. We have everything a "member" could desire...I'll let "Valley Dweller North" know, he'll make a great City guide.

 

Out to Chris, There is no need for either of us to pack, we both bring with us enough baggage!

 

"Cooper"

[+ glutes]

Thank you to Wanderer for starting one of the best posts I've seen on this forum. I am also trying to end a addiction here, mostly because the quality of RentBoys in the Bay Area are dreadful, and expensive. That is why I'm headed to Rio next month to see what all the chatter is about - and further my addiction?? The remedies suggested were right on! Gym, volunteer work and counseling - I'm going to try all 3.

[chrismac]

>Out to Chris, There is no need for either of us to pack, we

>both bring with us enough baggage!

 

Well, ain't that the truth!

:7

[BgMstr4u]

Thank you, Wanderer, for your honesty, and even more for the guts it took to be open about your situation. I doubt that there's one of us who are regulars on the board, posters and lurkers alike, who don't wonder about the very same issues in regard to ourselves. We all have different circumstances, and we all have different personalities, and what might be a big issue for one person might not be the same for another, but we ALL have problems. Thank you for the courage you have shown and the example you give us.

 

And thank you, Boston Guy. What wonderful, sensible ideas you have, and offered with compassion and common sense.

 

I have had a mixed history with escorts. I tend to be swept off my feet by anyone really attractive who pays the slightest positive attention to me. Unfortunately, that includes guys I can't really afford (or at times when the cash flow is low), and also guys who are dangerous. There have been times in my life when I seemed to have no reliable danger meter when my peter was up. The words of caution here, and the words of self-esteem, are HUGELY helpful. Thank you.

[Guest ncm2169]

BG, I can't imagine a more thoughtful, insightful, helpful and caring post. You're one helluva guy.:*

[BuckyXTC]

When the topic of this thread first popped up on the screen, I admit something in me didn't want to read it. Finally, I ventured in, reading Wanderer's moving story, then Boston Guy's excellent plan for effective living. With each new contribution the thread grew in richness and depth. A special thanks to Wanderer for starting the thread, and to everyone who has contributed to it. The Message Center can take on the nature of a snakepit filled with King Cobras at times, but this topic and the thoughtful contributors really make me glad that I hang in and keep coming back.

 

I, too, share the tendency to occasionally become infatuated with a particular escort and could definitely fall into a trap of going overboard with hiring. Fortunately, to date, my superego has kept my id in check, so I haven't mortgaged the home to maintain what can be an expensive habit. I had every intention of hiring an escort or two during this month, but opted instead to go forward with an eye exam and some much needed prescription reading glasses. I haven't had an eye exam for 20 years or more, and as I approach 50, it becomes harder and harder to read the fine print we encounter daily, and even reading the posts at the Message Center. And after a splendid thread like this one, I realize just how important that can be.

 

I love the idea proposed by Will of a M4M Message Center get-together in NYC or Philly or wherever it could happen out this way. It's funny how you develop these mental images of the various participants here, based on what they write. It would be real fun to see how close or far off the mark our imaginations are in this regard. If he would be willing to do it, I see Cooper as a wonderful organizer of such a meeting. Seems it would make sense to try to organize it around the schedules of those who would be traveling the longest distance, as some of us live in relative proximity to NYC and have more flexibility.

 

If it looks like something folks are really willing to do, and if it moves beyond the talking stage, count me in. It would be wonderful to have the opportunity to explore some of the issues we're dealing with in person over a drink or a meal.

 

Thanks again to everyone for what you've contributed here.

[Guest Slammy]

I too am so moved by the number of postings on this subject. I have been trying to deal with my "addiction", and it is not easy. But last night someone shared at an SLAA meeting that he was losing his apartment because of delinquent payments, and is filing for bankruptcy. He was spending $4,000.00 a month on escorts. It absolutely scared me to death, because I can see how easily I could get to that point........and how terribly empty it ultimately is. Those quick fixes.

 

Everything in life for me has required work. My career, my relationships with regular friends, and even socializing.......meeting people and setting up future social meetings. To me the hiring of an escort was so wonderful. Easy. All it required was choosing what you wanted, like buying anything else.

But sex is very powerful and I read in a very obscure book many years ago that it is psychosomatic. In other words, it involves your body but your head gets in there and starts the trouble.

 

The fact that so many people responded to this subject and most of the posts seem to be heartfelt leads me to believe that it is a subject that needs exploration. I love that we can discuss it in a forum dedicated to the pursuit of this passion, and then the counterpoint of the dark side of the pursuit. I too love all the posters and the intelligent contributions.....I hope this discourse goes on....This has truly been a great support group.

[Guest lipstick]

Hey Guys,

 

One more bit of info on this heartfelt subject. Please check into your local community to see what type of mental health services are available to folks who are ready to address this situation with escorts and funding of escorts.

 

I'm in San Francisco, and the new Lesbian, Gay,Bisexual and Transgender Community Center (LGBT) has various free drop in support groups to address different situations for folks who are going through life difficulties. I know that the availability of these services, and what type of city/local funding they get varies widely depending on what city/state guys are in, but there ARE resources out there to offer support to folks.

 

I know for some, just the suggestion of "mental health" services is a turn-off, but it takes courage to realize that we facing a problem, and it takes a bit more courage to reach out.

 

I was scared shitless in going to the center for the first time. But after I did, things have been going great for me so far. Because there are a lot of guys out in the world who are facing the same questions and difficulties at some point, and just getting to exchange experiences and stories with others is a great way to lessen the isolation we too often feel as Gay guys or with whatever life situation we may be in.

 

There are lots of pros and cons about the Bay Area Gay Community. But in this case with the LGBT Center, it's like a safe haven for folks who are "in between" life situations.

 

Hopefully, folks have similar services where they are, but we do need to be proactive in checking things out, or at some point, getting your city government to offer such services.

 

Thanks.