Friday Funnies

[marylander1940]

[video=youtube;YRf9ooQ7qq8]

[leigh.bess.toad]

I saw this on Facebook yesterday. I don't know if the letter is real, but if it is, the man is a genius.

 

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

 

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

 

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

 

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

 

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

 

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Bosguy]

Lee,

 

I couldn't possibly pick a favorite. They"re all so "off the wall" and as I laughed, I could just picture it. Maybe we should all choose our favorites next year in DC and go to a local department store to perform and video it. :-D

 

Boston Bill

[bigvalboy]

Lee..very funny stuff, I doubt that it was real. I can't even imagine doing something like that, even as a joke...It sounds like he needs medication. "You always reap what you sow"....

[marylander1940]

This race in New Jersey last Tuesday had some interesting humor. check out the names of the horses....

[/color][/size][/font]

 

[video=youtube;T0Zl9t8o6Es]

[marylander1940]

[video=youtube;KuBmCMZ7nVA]

[jackhammer91406]

A real woman.....

 

A real woman is a man’s best friend.

She will never stand him up, and she will never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure,

And comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

To live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions

and give in to his intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though

He is the most handsome man in the room,

And will enable him to be the most confident,

Sexy, seductive and invincible.

 

No Wait…..Sorry.

I’m thinking of Scotch.

It’s Scotch that does all of that shit.

 

Never mind

[Bosguy]

Glad I didn't read ahead to the punch line--no idea the ending. I was beginning to think the CA drought had gotten to you.

 

A Dewars toast to you.

 

Boston Bill

[bigvalboy]

A real woman is a man’s best friend.

She will never stand him up, and she will never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure,

And comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;

To live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions

and give in to his intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though

He is the most handsome man in the room,

And will enable him to be the most confident,

Sexy, seductive and invincible.

 

No Wait…..Sorry.

I’m thinking of Scotch.

It’s Scotch that does all of that shit.

 

Never mind

[/color][/size][/font]

 

Very cute Jackhammer...and who could argue with that...LOL Thanks for starting my weekend out with a smile.

 

Cheers to ya...

[jackhammer91406]

Doctor's orders

 

Arkansas

 

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that 10 was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

 

The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansas man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he looked out the window and noticed the license plate on their truck and realized they were from Arkansas.

 

This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

 

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[bigvalboy]

Arkansas

 

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that 10 was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

 

The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansas man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he looked out the window and noticed the license plate on their truck and realized they were from Arkansas.

 

This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

 

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. [/color][/size][/font]

 

OK...I just might be from Arkansas, becuase it took me a second to figure it out...How embarrassing.

[marylander1940]

OK...I just might be from Arkansas, becuase it took me a second to figure it out...How embarrassing.

 

I think West Virginia wins on this...

 

Enjoy and don't get mad with me.

 

Q: What do West Virginians do on Halloween?

A: Pump kin!

 

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down?

A: Almost took out the whole trailer park.

 

Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?

A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

 

Q: Why do ducks fly over West Virginia upside down? A: There's nothing worth craping on!

 

Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in West Virginia?

A: Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

 

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

A: If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

 

Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the Marshall University campus?

A: A visitor.

 

Q: Why did Forrest Gump choose 'Bama over West Virginia?

A: He wanted an academic challenge!

 

Q: Did you hear about the fire in University of West Virginia's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

 

Q: How many Marshall University freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a sophomore course.

 

Q: What is the definition of safe sex down in West Virginia?

A: Placing signs on the animals that kick.

 

Q: How do you castrate an West Virginia Mountaineers fan?

A: Kick his sister in the mouth

 

Q: Why are rectal thermometers banned at Marshall University?

A: They cause too much brain damage!

 

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in West Virginia?

A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

 

Q. How did the Marshall grad die from drinking milk?

A. The cow fell on him!

 

Q: What is the definition of a West Virginia virgin?

A: An ugly twelve year old who can outrun her brothers.

 

Q: What do they call students who go to Marshall?

A: Rejects from West Virginia!

 

Q: What are the best four years of an Marshall grads life? A: Third grade

 

Q: What does a West Virginia native and a bottle of beer have in common?

A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

 

Q: What do tornadoes and graduates from the University of West Virginia have in common?

A: They both end up in trailer parks.

 

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys in West Virginia?

A. With a restraining order.

 

Q. What's the first thing an Marshall University girl does when she wakes up in the morning?

A. Walks home.

 

Q: What do you call an West Virginia football player with a championship ring?

A: A thief!

 

Q: How do you stop a West Virginia fan from beating his wife?

A: Dress her in Connecticut Blue!

 

Q: What did the West Virginia female say after sex?

A: Get off me Dad, you're crushing my smokes!

[jackhammer91406]

This is your story.....

 

If you have ten minutes, hope you enjoy....

[video=youtube;gNbT9Lf9xZo]

[bigvalboy]

Couldn't stop laughing!!...Thanks Jackhammer. Off to a great start to the weekend.

[jackhammer91406]

Short takes....

 

My cousin's husband ( he's a loveable and evil little red neck) sends me these and I could never figure out how to share them on here, so here goes. Hope you can see them and hope you get a laugh.

 

 

 

http://squirrelgate.lapopie.com/cartoons/Showme.jpg

 

http://squirrelgate.lapopie.com/cartoons/Floppy.jpg

 

http://squirrelgate.lapopie.com/cartoons/Rules.jpg

 

http://squirrelgate.lapopie.com/cartoons/Condom.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

[Bosguy]

I needed that so bad today. Post Palm Springs Depression. Loved the condom use one--almost pissed my pants. Now I have a funny use for the unused ones in the back of my drawer. Helium, anyone?

 

So great to see you again without Tyger and Chris all over you.

 

Boston Bill

[bigvalboy]

My cousin's husband ( he's a loveable and evil little red neck) sends me these and I could never figure out how to share them on here, so here goes. Hope you can see them and hope you get a laugh.

All very cute Mr. Jackhammer. It goes nicely with what Frankly Rich posted on Cher's tits.

[jackhammer91406]

Nice to see you again as well Bill, although I would never mind an event where I am in the midst of a Tyger-Chris sandwich. They can be all over me anytime provided there is oxygen nearby and the paramedics are on call.

[jackhammer91406]

Laying an egg for EASTER

 

Couldn't find something with Rabbits, so I went to the way-back machine for this.....Hope you enjoy.

Happy Easter

[video=youtube;PeCGURWzjwE]

[bigvalboy]

One of the all time classics Jackhammer....and I always thought that Travis was hot. Fun stuff....

[gallahadesquire]

Nice to see you again as well Bill, although I would never mind an event where I am in the midst of a Tyger-Chris sandwich. They can be all over me anytime provided there is oxygen nearby and the paramedics are on call.[/color][/size][/font]

 

Don't forget the aecd!

[Steven_Draker]

Here's one of the funniest moments of Family Feud: Devils and Angels

 

Enjoy !

 

[video=youtube;jatbSHju2MQ]

 

Where is Jackhammer?

[jackhammer91406]

Day late...dollar short...

 

Sorry to be so late. I have been running around like crazy the past few days with Doctor appointments and trying to squeeze a little work in between...also a few baseball games and some live theater. All in preparation for my annual vacation in Florida.

 

Thanks Steven for posting that video.

 

I will be taking the month of May off so if anyone wants to keep the thread active til I get back I would be grateful. Otherwise , I'll back back to posting on Friday June 6th.

 

http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/extremely-funny-dog-jokes.jpg

 

http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/actually-funny-dog-jokes.jpg

 

http://www.bestfunnyjokes4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/101-funny-jokes.jpg

[Steven_Draker]

Sorry to be so late. I have been running around like crazy the past few days with Doctor appointments and trying to squeeze a little work in between...also a few baseball games and some live theater. All in preparation for my annual vacation in Florida.

 

Thanks Steven for posting that video.

 

I will be taking the month of May off so if anyone wants to keep the thread active til I get back I would be grateful. Otherwise , I'll back back to posting on Friday June 6th.[/color][/size][/font]

 

Jackhammer, enjoy your well-deserved vacation in Florida.

 

We will keep your seat warm for you until you return back in June.

[bigvalboy]

No need to be sorry my friend....your thread is one of those things that I always look forward to. You will be missed. Enjoy your vacation in Florida. The weather could not be better! I will attempt to help cover the slack, however I tried posting yesterday from something that was sent to me through my email, but I was unsuccessful...I shall try again next Friday.