Scared about HIV

[Guest Texas Ted]

Les,

Yes, we have had sex for a few months before he told me he’s positive. Always with a condom for intercourse but we’ve been pretty uninhibited about everything else.

 

In yer face,

He does take his meds without fail. The only recreational drugs I know of either of us use are alcohol and sometimes poppers.

 

I guess you can tell I’m really afraid and need solid answers to the answers I mentioned above.

 

I know I love him and will not walk away. The question is (for me): “Can we still share our love sexually?”

 

This is really difficult.

[Guest Texas Ted]

I have a new boy friend. I believe we love each other. He just told me something, however, that scares me: he is HIV positive.

 

He’s been positive for twenty years. He has never had any symptoms.

 

I love him but I don’t want to be reckless. Emotionally I am in turmoil. Some factual information may help me sort out the emotional parts, too. So may I ask some pointed questions, please? I don't have anyone else to turn to.

 

 

Oral sex

He never comes in my mouth but how much is pre-cum a risk in itself?

 

Oral-anal sex

I enjoy rimming him but is it dangerous?

What about him rimming me? I sure enjoy it but now I'm worried. By the way, I have some hemorrhoids that usually are not problematic. Does that increase the risk?

 

Tooth brushing

Is that dangerous just prior to sex? I know brushing causes some small, temporary scratches on the gums. Should we avoid that prior to sex? How long before?

 

Is there anything else that I should avoid or be extra careful with?

 

Does the fact that he’s been positive for twenty years without symptoms make it less likely that he will get sick? I’m hoping this means he has some kind of immunity to AIDS. However, I must ask if my hope is just wishful thinking.

[+ Lucky]

Your hope is probably wishful thinking. I think it is great that you ask the questions you do, though.

As a person who has also lived with HIV for more than 20 years, I appreciate that you are taking the time to find out what you can safely do with your partner, rather than just excluding him out of fear.

I always let my partner(s) decide what is safe for them. But I have also made the inquiries that you are making. So I would not let them do something that I thought was unsafe.

There are many people who think you should just dump the guy and go for a HIV negative partner. I think they are excluding themselves from the possibilty of real love to take such an inflexible stance.

Ultimately we all have to decide for ourselves.

So I suggest you do an online search as to what constitutes safer sex and make intelligent decisions.

Take love where you find it!

[Guest Les]

Hi Texas Ted,

I don't want to jump to a wrong conclusion here but are you saying he has had sex with you without you knowing he's positive? That he just told you now?

Take care, Les

[Guest in yer face]

Be safe, continue in the same mannor that you always have, and youll be fine. I know of 2 "mixed" relationships, and both have not sero-converted (one has been over 6 years now). Go for it, and just be smart about it.

 

One other thing, recent studies have shown that there is significantly less virus in precum of men who are on a cocktail, so if hes not using meds, perhaps he should consider it. Its not anything to rely on , but it does make the odds better.

 

Also, if you using recreational drugs, now would be a good time to stop. Another study that I just read has shown that recreational drug users are 20-100 times more likely to be infected than non-recreation drug users. Something to be said about the immune system being in full working order. (Ill print the link when I find it)

[Flower]

I'm sure there will be a lot of good information shared on this site however, there are specialized counselors that just deal with sero-discordant couples. Not only will the information be up to the minute and factual as opposed to supposition, but there is a psychological aspect, which by your own admission, needs dealing with here--that's what they do. Your city should have some gay/HIV related non profit groups that can put you in touch with just such a counselor.

 

I hope for your peace of mind and your partners self esteem, that you seek the help--it can make a big difference.

 

Peace,

 

Flower :*

[Guest sniper]

I realize you have to take precautions as if every partner is positive, but frankly, he owed it to you to be up front with you about his status BEFORE the relationship began. Yes, you should have asked too, but he KNEW and didn't tell you. In your case, seems like you probably would have gone ahead anyway, so it doesn't really mnatter here I suppose. But I would have a hard time staying with someone who had withheld such a significant piece of information from me.

[+ bigjoey]

if you love each other, go for it but just be sane in your sex life. i know of a couple where one partner was well and one was not. the well one decided to go ahead with the relationship. as things turned out, the well one had heart problems, by-passes, etc. and HE is now being taken care of by his partner. fate can sometimes switch roles. something could happen such as an auto accident or another health problem where YOU will need help from your positive partner!!!! the key thing is that you love each other; then your sex life will work itself out. good luck.

[Guest Merlin]

You should know that even with careful sex, it is only safer, not completely safe. There are many accidents which can happen. For instance, with hemorroids, it is easy for vigorous sex to cause a tear and bleeding. If there is some spill from the condum when he removes it, it will provide an opportunity for infection. Even without the hemorroid problem, anal sex is likely to cause small tears and abrasion. If the condum breaks or spills... Also there is one recorded case of infection from kissing. The woman had a cut or sore in her mouth, and her husband was positive. Both precum and saliva carry the virus and in theory at least can cause infection. Mutual jackin off can transfer the virus from one cock to another. Semen can land in the eye. It is difficult to prove that these have or have not caused infection, because kissing and sucking are often accompanied by more obvious activities. I personally would never knowingly have sex with an HIV positive person, and I have usually avoided guys whom I suspected to be positive. The possible consequences are just to horrible in my view.

[Guest in yer face]

>I guess you can tell I’m really afraid and need solid

>answers to the answers I mentioned above.

>

 

There are no solid answers and there are no guarantees. The question is do you want to be with him. The sex can be safe, the risk is there though (very small if you take care of yourself). Why not just continue for a while, and see if you are comfortable. No ones picking out rings at Tiffany's yet, so relax. Just remember that youve had sex with plenty of HIV guys and never known it.

[vers7]

I too had decided to date someone who is HIV+. It's a tough decision. I've decided what risks to take and what not to.

With respect to Merlin's comments, I think that some of his concerns are fundamentally without medical basis. But what I found most interesting is his statement that he would never knowingly have sex with someone who was HIV#. I guess, denial is an amazing concept. Using escorts, in my humble opinion, virtually guarantees that you will do just that. The prevalence of the infection and the current efficacious treatments virtually assure that anyone who is sexually active will have sex with someone who is HIV#. In addition, I would suspect the percentage of infection within the escort world is as high or (as I suspect) higher than the subgroup of men with whom I would likely have sex. I know of several active, popular escorts who are HIV+, but who do not advertise the fact. If Merlin is as concerned about HIV as he indicates, he certainly should think twice about using escorts. -- Just my opinion and hunch.

[Guest Les]

>Yes, we have had sex for a few months before he told me he’s positive

 

Oh Boy Ted,

I wish for your sake Ted that hadn't happened... Have you been tested?

Since you obviously have forgiven him this almost unforgivable behavior then my advice would be to proceed with caution and be very, very careful. Remember you obviously value your life more than he does.

As for health practices...I'll leave that to others. There are some wonderful guys here who have a lot more experience and knowledge than I do when dealing with AIDS.

Take care, Les

[Guest bigTom]

It is possible to have a safe relationship with an HIV + person. To help cut through the emotional barriers, the best help is the facts. You can find all you need and more at http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/pubs/facts.html#prevention

[Guest roninx]

Of more concern to me would be the fact that he had sex with you for a month before he told you he was positive. Even though you were "safe" he was morally obligated to tell you before you both engaged in sex.

 

This issue of trust would definitely be something to think about before you continue in your relationship.

[Guest Merlin]

You did not notice that I said I would not KNOWINGLY have sex with a positive person. This means that I would not have sex with someone whom I knew to be positive. You are correct that anyone sexually active takes a certain amount of risk. But there are ways to decrease (or increase) the risk. One way to reduce the risk is to avoid sex with those you know to be positive. Conversely, you will increase the risk if you have sex with those whom you know or believe to be positive.