Coffee Talk: 6/20 What if you didnt fall. You're just tripping over them?

[NYTomcat]

Recently while at Adonis Lounge in Brooklyn (get to NY and go what a way to spend Thursday) I had a chance to to discuss escorts with a number of other posters here. During one such conversation an interesting topic came up from another poster that I would like to get the forums thoughts on.

 

We have heard a great deal about clients who become to invested or attached to a particular escort. Numerous threads discuss the blurring of the lines where a client "falls" for the escort. But what if the tables are somewhat turned.

 

Ok so you hire an escort maybe once... maybe more than once and your enjoying the hell out of the meetings but the escort starts pushing for more. Not Love... well ok maybe if you have one of those stories I'm sure we would all be dying to hear it... rather the escort is enjoying his time with you and of course the financial benefits such arrangements provide. While your seeing him as a great time .... Occassionally... He is begining to see you as his favorite client and regular. Has anyone ever had this scenario and if so any general consensus on the best way to re-establish, or maybe just establish, boundaries. Or even just the best method to say goodbye (is that necessary?) Anyway... any experiences along this line, please share!

[Guest greatness]

oh my

 

It certainly never happens to me! Well I've fallen for escorts numerous times but never the other way around. I'm paying them for their time nothing more. Some escorts do try really hard to give a bf experience but when our time is over it's time for them to leave. If the client is very hot with a great personality (such as our NYTomcat ) then such scenario is possible. Unfortunately, I've never had any escorts who fell for me so I guess I don't have anything to add here. But if one does fall for me then I'll make him retire and marry him and live happily ever after.. Oh my who that would be~~~ :D

 

[adriano46]

NY Tom,

 

Your coffee chats are terrific - keep it up!

 

OK -- on to the shaky topic of "when the relationship moves on to something else" and what to do.,...

 

In my years of meeting guys (about 20 or so now), on occasion the lines have gotten blurred and each time, I try to promise myself it will not happen again, but sadly (for my self-esteem and more for my wallet) it does.

 

It begins with an exceptional one- or two-hour date. Guy is HOT, mood is right, sex is AMAZING and the next thing, I give him a small tip over the fee (say from $50 to $100). Then, send a quck text message after he leaves saying, "Thanks for the memories.." or something as cliched.

 

Inevitably this moves on to a second date, with dinner, a show or something else. I am so cock-smacked at this point, it could be a bad date, but I am oblivious. But often, the sex is pretty high up there, and the guy treats me nicely.

 

Given the time of year, my own psyche at the time or whatever, this can lead to a third (and deal-breaker) overnight, and here is where I break all my pledges, wining and dining the guy but also adding here and there some gifts (top line clothing, or something else he would like).

 

ALL MY INSTINCTS TELL ME AT THIS POINT... WALK AWAY!!! (But why? if it is going well -- in my own mind??)

 

And that is the point... it is in MY OWN MIND, and not something really mutual. After all, in the real world what strapping, handsome, sexually active 20-something wants to hook up his star with a guy approaching 60? Come on!!!

 

BUT, as so many have explained here over the years, sadly, the following happens instead....

 

There are the occasional e-mails and text messages ("How are you doing, you stallion!")

 

Sometimes they come from him, sometimes from me, but they open a dangerous door.

 

Soon (as I travel a lot), since you cannot really meet, you may take it to an occasional SKYPE conversation, and him "sharing" some of his life tales, and often the tales have a somewhat sad level to them, sad as he is overworked, underappreciated, underpaid, has problems with family at home, school, in trying to get a steady job, etc... Because of my background and professional life, I automatically go into my "Let me feel your pain" mode... I try to counsel him, offer advice, become like a big brother (or big daddy, whatever...) and this is when the dangerous dance begins.

 

He is setting up a new apartment... I send him money to buy odds and ends (something as small as a few hundred dollars for domestic applainces, or shets, or a Tv or whatever, but it begins.)

 

He has move and needs a new gym membership...

 

He is short of cash this month and is back on his rent...

 

He is getting ready for an interview, and needs the right outfit...

 

His (you insert... mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, favorite relative) is in need of emergency surgery (this mostly comes up when dealing with guys from Central and Eastern Europe...)

 

His (you add... son, daughter... [see discussion on Bisexual escorts on another thread] needs school clothes or fees, or he is in need of child support for his slut wife (yeah, bad editorial comment, but don't we see these gals as competition for OUR affections?)

 

Soon Western Union is my new friend and I am sending money out here and there. I have given out gifts, small and large, sent money, and even sent out two rather large LOANS (never repaid and escorts left the scene and disappeared)... and what do I have for it after all these years?

 

One day some months back, I had a lot of time on my hands and did an estimate on money I "wasted" on escorts over this 20-year period (not fees for services, but money given as gifts, loans, help etc...), and the figure scared the crap out of me. It totaled over $400,000 -- or about being suckered $5,000 a year!

 

SO I WENT COLD TURKEY. Thanks to our lousy economy, my generosity ha severe limits, but more, I have learned to keep the relationship purely and ONLY on a professional basis.

 

A caveat... I have met and maintained friendships with a few among all of these, and to this day we are friends. With that few, I am still generous, but more limitedly, and in each case, the guy in question has a bona fide job and some stablity in his life. No more do I want to play doting uncle or godfather.

 

[One other caveat... in 95% of the cases where I was suckered, the sex actually had stopped long before the money gifts stopped.... go figure? I was so intent on him liking me (duh), that I would count it a blessing if I even had an occasional hug. One guy, who managed to have me so cock-whipped over a 6 month period, I gave him the equivalent of 50,000 Euros, the actual sex we experienced could be counted in less than 24 hours for all that dough! And I see he is still a preditor on older gentleman, but that is not here in the US so not a problem to discuss further.]

[KMEM]

I don't know if you might need counseling on relationships or not; you have seemingly counseled yourself plenty. But, math counseling could be another story.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[whipped guy]

But, math counseling could be another story.

It might be interesting to hear about the others side of the (math) equation.

 

However, I really doubt any escorts would respond.

 

Still, I know of a few variations on the escort rags to riches... then possibly back to rags stories out there... some apparently use and ride the system like a roller coaster... others go for broke and quit while they are ahead... others ultimately go down the tubes... and still others have mastered the art to perfection and are going strong in spite of a bad economy.

 

It's all in the math.

[+ purplekow]

I don't know if you might need counseling on relationships or not; you have seemingly counseled yourself plenty. But, math counseling could be another story.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

400000 by 20 years makes an even more impressive 20,000 a year or about 400 dollars a week over 20 years for gifts for escorts. I hope the economy was very good for you when it was good.

[NYTomcat]

Ok jeez adriano. Well moms Russian and Scots. I speak Russian. Nimnoga but enough to order at rasputins.

 

Seriously thanks for sharing but more I need to find out the best way letting them down easy. They have only hired a couple times in about an 8 week period. So. Any ideas.

 

But also keep the stories coming. I love them

[+ purplekow]

Tom, in answer to your question about letting an escort down easy, you are not under any obligation to supply the details of your hiring to anyone. If you feel you need to make a break and want to be polite, I would go with the simple truth: Studmuffin, you have been fantastic and I have really enjoyed our times together I will not be calling you for a bit as I want to fuck as many different men as I can. Since our time together has been so much fun, I will always have a special place for you in the dirtiest recesses of my brain. But for now, I hope you understand and I wish you well. Thanks for everything. At that point, I would be brief in answering texts and I would definitely screen calls. At some latter date, if you are so inclined, you might call him again for repeat appointment, but if you are suffering remorse about this, it is probably best to be polite, cut the cord and don't look back.

[NYTomcat]

Well thats direct but I think your right pk the best way to go. You just hate to have to give the rejection to anyone. Even if its merely a professional relationship. Thank God im not in that boat is all I have to say. Haven't met with any escort I wouldn't want to continue seeing money and time permitting. Guess im just lucky or a slut. Or a lucky slut. LOL

[Guest greatness]

What?

 

What did I tell you about being positive? You are not a lucky slut.. You are a great person full of love and kindness..

 

Guess im just lucky or a slut. Or a lucky slut. LOL

[NYTomcat]

Now greatness you mistake my meaning. There is nothing negative to me about being a lucky slut. In fact I think I can be both a great person full of love and kindness and a lucky slut

[Guest greatness]

well

 

if you say so but I don't want to call you a slut... Nobody here is a slut... Love you all kisses and hugs~~

 

Now greatness you mistake my meaning. There is nothing negative to me about being a lucky slut. In fact I think I can be both a great person full of love and kindness and a lucky slut

[NYTomcat]

if you say so but I don't want to call you a slut... Nobody here is a slut... Love you all kisses and hugs~~

 

Au contrere Mon frere. But ok I will agree the somantics take on a negative connotation. How about lucky and indiscriminate.

 

Then again considering im the guy who is almost completely escort monogamous.. I guess thats a misnomer too Im rather descriminating. LOL

 

Then again Im also the guy that would have Romann live next door if I could. HMM. There is a house for sale. Nah I'd never get him out of the City. Hell I can barely get him in NY as much as I want, I had to go to Texas, and i never go to Texas. Though I was suprised how much I enjoyed it. Probably the company though.

[AdamSmith]

Tomcat, thank you for posing this question here. Funny I would think to bring my problem to you at Adonis, but not to the forum at large. And to purplekow, thank you for the answer. Seems obvious, once I hear it articulated.

[NYTomcat]

Tomcat, thank you for posing this question here. Funny I would think to bring my problem to you at Adonis, but not to the forum at large. And to purplekow, thank you for the answer. Seems obvious, once I hear it articulated.

 

Yes and No. The answer seems easy but its never actually that simple when there is a face and personality on the other end of the phone. What would seem a cool easy proefessional step. Obvious in all regards becomes more difficult with a living breathing person on the other side.

[+ purplekow]

But sometimes you just got to suck it up and do it. i feel bad every time I have to fire someone. I go through all kinds of mental gymnastics and I feel down and sorr of them. Then, by the time I have politely and professionally explained the circumstance and had their reaction, I am usually sorry I didnt fire them sooner. No one wants to be the bad guy, but if you arent happy having sex with a hot guy you choose to pay, then you really need to consider putting yourself first more often because I mean you deserve the pleasure.

[Guest greatness]

lol

 

You are so sweet to change the word for me. You and Romann are so cute and hot!!!

[NYTomcat]

You are so sweet to change the word for me. You and Romann are so cute and hot!!!

 

Ok just for you posters out there that haven't met us. I'm. Cute. Romann is hot.

[doitb4ugo]

So modest

 

Ok just for you posters out there that haven't met us. I'm. Cute. Romann is hot.

 

 

Don't be so modest....Tomcat, You are Hot and Romann is Hotter.

[NYTomcat]

Don't be so modest....Tomcat, You are Hot and Romann is Hotter.

 

Greatness and doitb you are too kind. Actual your every kind. And Perhaps a touch nearsighted but I digress. Thank you Though

 

Now before this turns into a free love fest. Driving the diabetics out of the audience. Back to the issue at hand. I agree pk that terminating employee needs to be done quick and fast. But dont you think there is a somewhat more delicate situation here. Not that the same response isn't needed. But. Its a different ball of wax saying someone's typing or dstaentry skills are not up to par. And telling someone. Even though paid. Your not my cup of tea either sexually or by personality. Its like firing someone who does the job and saying oh yeah its just I dont like you very much.

 

Now I actually agree with your assessment quick and fast is best with as little personal involvement as you can. But. ... there is a point to Maybe just not hiring and slowly not returning phone calls. More the dumping the uninteresting bf. Method as compared to the terminating an employee method. .

[doitb4ugo]

 

Its a different ball of wax saying someone's typing or dstaentry skills are not up to par. And telling someone. Even though paid. Your not my cup of tea either sexually or by personality. Its like firing someone who does the job and saying oh yeah its just I dont like you very much.

 

 

Tom,

 

I would agree if the guys job was providing sex....It is not just about the sex, and if the guy were capable of giving the client all that he wanted (an impossible task because it seems the client wants too have variety) then the escort is not meeting the cleint's need....there is nothing left to do when this happens but to be honest and tell the escort why he can no longer meet the somewhat larger needs of the client....

 

I think you could get the escort to understand....He deserves no such explanation as an escort but as a perosn whith whom the client has shared perhaps more than sex, wouldn't such a break with explantion be ultimately kinder to both parties (as difficut as it is for the moment--both will move on quicker than the run and dump approach which is tempting because it's easy).

 

Just my 2 cents worth....

[NYTomcat]

So this is turning into a how you like to get dumped thread.

[doitb4ugo]

So this is turning into a how you like to get dumped thread.

 

Sorry Tom,

 

The quiet, don't explain, stop returning phone call/e-mails is an appraoch I am familiar with on the dumpee side...It hurts more than I can describe,,,to not understand and just be discarded for whatever you own imagination thinks could be the reason,,,,nothing can be crueler than your own insecurities feeding the vacuum created by that approach...

 

I know...he's is a hired guy and I don't know him to make a guess as to his feelings for the client...

 

I think I just took this to too personal a space.

[+ purplekow]

Hey wake up people. You are not dumping a boyfriend. You are deciding not to continue to hire someone for sex because there are people out there you think will be more fun for you. It is not quite changing brands of coffee or changing phone carriers but it not Rick and Ilsa at the airport either. The world doesnt give a hill of beans about the problems of two little people. Be straightforward and say good bye and thanks for the all the fish.

[Guest greatness]

So

 

My understanding was that an escort fell in love with his client but the client did not get into that kind of relationship... Did I understand it correctly??? Tom can you clarify what the actual case is... thanks..

 

I'm really confused.