Feeling Depressed

[Guest Wanderer]

Lately I have been feeling really down in the dumps. I have tried a few things (including an escort or two) but they have not really helped. Part of it may be an increasing sense of loneliness, even though I am in a profession where I get to meet alot of people... and while their company is wonderful.. there is still something missing .. Anti-depressents are not the answer as I think it is an emotional/spiritual issue, rather tban a medical one. I thought I would share it all with you and see if you have any suggestions. I know you can't "fix" it -- it is my problem after all, but maybe some words of support... or some suggestions... or a good laugh will help.

Thanks for your help. guys.

[Rick Munroe]

>Part of it may be an increasing

>sense of loneliness, even though I am in a profession where

>I get to meet alot of people... and while their company is

>wonderful.. there is still something missing ..

 

Are you out to them or in the closet? I can't think of anything that would be more depressing than if I couldn't be myself around anyone I met or knew. Also...have you considered or tried therapy? I've never been to a therapist, although my boyfriend seems to think I need to (something about a huge out-of-control ego...ass constantly on display in a desperate attempt to get noticed...or some such nonsense...)

[Guest Charon]

While Rick's reply was a bit tongue-in-cheek, a good therapist can really help (provided that you click and that you are willing to honestly work at your issues.)

 

I went for a couple of years in my mid-20s and it really helped me get my head on straight (the rest of me, fortunately, stayed pretty bent.)

[Guest wndrwoman]

How long have you been feeling down in the dumps?

Also, mentioning that you had seen a couple of escorts but they hadn't helped makes me wonder if you're depressed because you miss an emotional connection? My present depression stems from lack of connection at the moment, which is why I ask (I'm newly divorced). We're here to listen if you want to share more....

Tina

[Boston Guy]

Wanderer,

 

As you know, there's often a world of difference between the kinds of professional relationship we form with those we encounter at work and the friendships we develop with personal friends.

 

It's not a black and white thing, but rather a lot of shades of grey. Imagine a continuum that measures how personal a relationship really is -- how much of ourself we invest in the relationship, how much the other person does the same, how much we truly get to know each other.

 

On one end of the continuum would be lovers and mothers and fathers and best friends and the people who know us, love us, support us and who we know, love and support. On the other end of the continuum would be the person in the shop we stop at each day, the person who recognizes our face and nods acknowledgement, but doesn't even know our name.

 

If we put all of the people who populate the fabric of our lives on this continuum, we'd see a lot of diversity. We'll find people who we interact with who don't know us and have no emotional attachment to us all the way up to the most important people in our lives.

 

You don't say what kind of work you do. But he people we meet at work often don't get to know us very well, especially if they are people we are providing a service to. They're typically on end of the spectrum.

 

Colleagues often get to know us better, and sometimes they become true friends or more. But the term colleague has a different meaning than friend for good reasons. Often the people we encounter at work aren't really all that emotionally invested in us -- we're at work for different reasons.

 

It's easy to be lonely if many of the people who inhabit our lives are at the far end of the continuum, where they don't get to know us well or aren't invested emotionally in us. Being lonely in a crowd is not terribly difficult or, unfortunately, at all uncommon.

 

Fortunately, there are things we can do to counteract it. Unfortunately, they all require that we take steps to end our loneliness and I say 'unfortunately' because some people who are depressed find it quite difficult to take those steps. It's one of the pernicious things about depression, but my friends who have struggled with this and ended up finally finding a way to get up and start moving again are the ones who, in the end, seem to have been most successful at curing their depression.

 

What kinds of steps? There are all kinds of things to do, but two general classes stand out in my mind. The first involves giving of yourself and your time to others and the second involves meeting new people.

 

Giving of yourself -- volunteering -- is a good way to bring perspective into our lives. It's satisfying and gratifying and often astonishes us with how much it can make us feel better about our own lives. We start out to help others and discover that, astonishingly, the person we've most helped is often ourself. There are all kinds of outlets for volunteering, all kinds of organizations that are worthy and would welcome a helping hand. Hospitals, AIDS clinics, schools, churches, social service organizations, museums, arts organizations -- there are people in need all around us. There's another neat thing about volunteering, too, and that's that when we volunteer we often end up meeting cool people who are there volunteering as well.

 

Which brings me to the other class of steps we can take to help ourselves -- meeting other people. I'm not suggesting at all that someone who is feeling lonely should go out and try desperately to find a boyfriend or lover; that's almost exactly the wrong step. Instead, I'm suggesting putting oneself in positions where there are other people who will be fun to be with or interesting to know and then getting to know some of them. If you do this enough, you'll probably find yourself suddenly knowing some neat new people, some of whom end up becoming neat new friends. And you'll most likely have some fun along the way.

 

For some people, the bars really do provide a good mechanism for meeting other gay people. However, if you're going to go to the bars to meet people then, for God's sake, meet people. Don't allow yourself to stand by the wall with a drink and go home having met not one new person. Force yourself to talk to people, to smile, to laugh, to have fun. And be confident that you're bringing something worthwhile to the dialog.

 

If you're not into the bars, see if there are some gay organizations in your area. If you enjoy the outdoors, find out if there are running clubs or biking or hiking or boating groups. Is there a gay center near you? If so, do they offer classes? Go out and learn to rollerblade or sail.

 

Or take adult ed classes. Learn to cook or study art or learn Japanese. Give yourself some fun new challenges. Just as we are not defined by our gayness, don't allow yourself to think narrowly in gay terms when thinking about meeting new people. We all need good straight friends, too.

 

I wish I could offer more focused advice. There are many good people here who will be willing to lend an ear and a hand to you if you can share a bit more about your situation with us.

 

Regardless, remember that you really are the person in charge of your life -- sometimes we each seem to forget this -- and that you really can take steps to meet new people, learn new things, lend a helping hand to others in need and, in general, fill some of those empty moments with worthwhile activities.

 

Good luck!

BG

[Guest chubsksesc]

First, I want to tell you that you are not alone. Many people have at some point felt lonely and or depressed. It can happen to anyone.

 

One thing you said did catch my eye. You mentioned that you tried hiring Escorts and it didn't make you feel better. Relying on other people to bring you happiness will never work. You must first learn to be happy with you, just you for the person you are before bring someone else into your life.

 

I know it seems to make sense when you think. "If only I could find Mr. Right my life would be complete." In reality, it doesn't happen that way. If you were unhappy and depressed before Mr. Right came along, you will likely be unhappy once he is in your life. The same issues that made you depressed will still exist.

 

While loneliness can make you feel sad or make you feel a void in your life, it usually wont cause depression. I agree with the others when they suggest you seek counseling. You might be able to uncover the real reasons you are feeling depressed.

 

In the mean time, talk to your close friends about your feelings. Talking helps a lot.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling bad now. I do hope you will find happiness and fulfillment in your life soon.

[Guest Kalifornia]

Wanderer it sounds as if you have cute depression. This is a temporary situation that might last several months. The best thing you can do is "force" yourself to stay busy, continue to place yourself in social settings and do not expect a quick cure.

 

If something recently changed in your life the depression is probably a result of that. You need to work on a substitution for whatever might have left this void you are feeling.

 

Though feeling down from time to time is not really somethin to be very concerned about. It is natures way of saying, hey slow down a bit or speed up a bit or I need a little more balance.

 

Do not become preoccupied with your depression. Work on resolving the issues as mentioned and your should naturally come out of it.

 

Now if the depression lasts more than 3 months or becomes worst then you might need to see professional help in your town.

 

Keep us posted, I am sure many here will be concerned and want to see you pull through this.

Mark -Kalifornia

[Guest CJ]

You are not alone and that you will get better

 

Hi Wanderer CJ from Toronto here

 

Everyone is different in the cause for their depression...I am not a big one for meds but if you are in a severe depressive state ie. not wanting to continue being here then PLEASE get medical help right away...meds might help you a enough for you to fight your way out of it

 

Therapy is a VERY good idea but as some of those who responded already said it is really about finding a good therapist..just an idea here...share your need with your family doctor and ask for a referral...if you can;t talk to your doc about this then get one that you can(it might be a little different their as we have a different system here in Canada)

 

My epxperience with therapists was not a great one but I eventually found a "cognitive therapist" that was able to help me think my way out of my depresssion...it can be a hard and long fight but it is worth it to be here and to learn to enjoy life...positive affirmations are a great help too!!!!Tell yourself everyday how great a day it is and how you are going to make it better...may not work for you but it works for me....you have to try and find the things that work for you...

 

enough said remember you are not alone ....it will get better ....i wish you the best in overcoming this and hope that we have helped with our commments

 

later<smile>

 

CJ

[Guest jbart39]

Spending an hour with an escort can bring sexual excitement, but when it's over, it's over, and you're left with relief and a few fantasies for the next time you whip it. You will most likely not have found a new friend, much less a new boyfriend, in the escort. There may be a few scattered exceptions, but they are just that, a few exceptions. Pardon the cliche, but you get what you pay for -- an hour or two of a professional's company and whatever you two adults consent to do during that time, and the relaxed, refreshed feeling that follows. Use that bliss to approach making friends and building a social life the next day. I know whereof I speak. This is exactly what I'm doing now.

[Guest Wanderer]

Hey Gang -- Thanks for the replies. I am touched by your concern and thoughtfulness. Just a few comments to answer some of your questions. I am still very closeted for a number of reasons, and that has its own set of issues that come with it. My depression is not severe enough for me to contemplate doing anything harmful to myself... except for eating too much of the wrong stuff. I have had therapy in the past and actually had a wonderful counselor who I trusted and was very accepting of me. However he has retired from the business, much to my chagrin. I have considered going for more counselling but will hold off until the fall to see how things progress for me.

As I see it part of my problem is looking for the quick fix to solve some long-term issues. I appreciate your suggestions and will reread them again for what I may have missed. Thank you.

[Guest JH]

See someone before it gets worse. As CJ rightly pointed out, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is very effective in dealing with depression. It's not like psychotherapy, which deals with past issues; it deals with what's going on now and teaches you strategies to address the way you respond to day to day stimuli. There's also a new approach called Cognitive Affective Therapy, which I believe adds in a little interpersonal therapy for good measure.

 

Just as an aside, I've been studying some cognitive behavioural techniques at Uni and writing the abbreviation (CBT) always makes me smile!!

[Rick Munroe]

>writing the abbreviation

>(CBT) always makes me smile!!

 

And seeing it makes me flinch (sensitive balls) :o

[trilingual]

And as someone who has experienced real depression, let me say it's no fun. Therapy can be part of the solution, but it's also a physical problem (a chemical imbalance in the brain) and drugs do help. I know it's natural to resist wanting to resort to drugs to deal with depression. I did myself, for years, and now feel like quite the fool when I think of all the pain and misery I went through unnecessarily!

 

One of the main reasons I avoided medications was that I thought they would make me feel weird or unnatural or "high." Some of the early anti-depressants may have had such effects, but for the most part the newer ones don't. They do take a period of time (sometimes three or four weeks) to fully kick in, but one day you wake up and you suddenly realize that the black cloud is gone and you feel good again! Not high, not unnatural, just good. During the adjustment period when your first begin taking the medication you might experience some minor weirdnesses, like occasional insomnia, a slight feeling of "speediness," or a slight sense of tremor, but they usually go away very quickly. If you decide on meds, ask your doctor about their effects on libido. Some tend to suppress it, which I think most of us would find undesirable. I've been successfully using Wellbutrin for some time now, and it doesn't suppress libido the way some of the others do.

 

I've found that the meds, together with some cognitive therapy, has helped keep the depression away for a long time now, and I consider that a real victory. Unfortunately, because there is a physical component to depression, I have to remind myself that it's like being diabetic: I'll need to use meds to control it for the rest of my life. I wish it were otherwise, but taking a couple of pills a day sure beats being in the black hole I found myself in before I finally bit the bullet and decided to start taking them!

 

I wish you lots of luck moving forward. Do something about your depression now, before it gets really bad. It has a tendency to be cyclical. You may come out of this cycle on your own, but without meds and therapy chances are it'll come back, and it'll probably be worse the next time.

[Huey]

There are several types of depression. If you must be depressed "reactionary depression" would be best This is when you can identify why you're depressed. As an example a friend moved or a death in the family. It is normal to be depressed and in most cases if you continue on your typical schedule you will work through this quickly.

 

"Acute depression" was mentioned already. I would just add that one who might have acute depression should seek assistance if it continues for any length of time or starts to interfere with your normal routine. An example, I don't feel like meeting Steve for dinner or I don't want to go to work today.

 

More advanced depression can be the sign of a serious situation. Usually this is where you tend to have a lot of apathy, you lose interest in things you usually receive pleasure from doing. As an example sex or going to a movie. This would be considered very serious and would require immediate intervention.

 

Only you and those who are with you in "real life" can determine what state of depression you're in. It's very hard to do so from a few lines on a message board. You did state you were feeling down, many people feel down once in a while, that is OK and not very serious by itself.

 

Just this month several major studies have been released showing the medication had only a slightly better advantage over therapy. When there was more than one psychotic condition then medication fared slightly better.

 

Hang in there, as you can see from the response there are people who care. And yes as many have noted it will get better

 

 

-----------

WAR IS OVER

if you want it

GIVE PEACE A CHANCE

[Guest JH]

My flippancy was directed toward the abbreviation (CBT), not the condition of depression - sorry if there was any confusion there.

 

Depression is a serious matter; in the UK it affects 7% of the population (don't know the US figures) and the sad part is that most suffer in silence. Don't do that. See a doctor who can direct you to the most appropriate treatment for your condition.

 

For some this means taking anti-depressants, for others cognitive behavioural therapy or psycho-therapy if the problem is rooted in the past. Treatments requirements differ between individuals. There is also strong evidence that increasing physical activity has a beneficial effect.

 

You've taken the first step by articulating that you have a problem. Now go and talk to an MD, rather than a bunch of guys who sit in front of computer screens talking about hookers :-)

[guyinsf]

Wellbutrin has a low incidence of sexual side effects. The antidepressant medications that frequently induce sexual side effects (particularly inability to orgasm or orgasm that doesn't feel very good) are in the SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) class. If you go to your primary care physician or a psychiatrist about this issue, be sure to address this issue. Many doctors will prescribe an SSRI because that's what they are used to doing. They do not necessarily place importance on sexual functioning. If the client does not raise the issue, the doctor may never ask about it. At the very least, even if a doctor begins treating you with an SSRI (like Prozac or Zoloft), if you notice sexual side effects request to be switched to something else (which likely will be Wellbutrin). If you have a history of seizures, however, Wellbutrin is contraindicated.

[guyinsf]

If you decide to return to therapy, contacting your previous therapist (if possible) is probably the best way to find a new therapist. If you know anyone who has seen or is seeing a therapist he/she likes, that's another excellent way to get a referral. Therapist "shopping" can be difficult. Primary care doctors often just pick someone off a list -- they don't know anything about the therapist other than that they are in the same HMO or whatever.

[Guest curious2000]

I agree that it is important to determine what degree of depression you are experiencing to then decide if it is serious enough to seek theropy or see a doctor about taking antidepressants if it is indeed a chemical imbalance. From your original post, it sounded like you were just temporarily "down in the dumps", which we all get from time to time. I have suffered with bouts of depression all my life. I did take antidepressants for a a few months once when it was severe ( I didn't care for the one I was on-serzone). Now I just manage it with time,patience,and some lifestyle changes that have helped a lot.

 

For me, exercise and diet are key to helping me relieve my feelings of depression. There are so many self help books and advice on shows like Oprah, that it can be overwhelming! All the books and contridicting advice is enough to make someone confused and depressed! But I take a few peices from different sources and have come up with what works for me. Mine has not gotten to the point where I can't get out of bed and function, if it did, then I would go seek theropy or revisit drug treatment to manage it.

 

Working out hard at the gym always helps. Also eating healthy fresh foods,lots of fruits/veggies/protein, drinking LOTS of water. Getting outside and walking/jogging, taking in the beauty of nature. Buy fresh flowers for yourself, or new plants, something green. Pets are great company. And of course, like mentioned above, seek out friends,new people,helping others. And, as trite as it sounds, let time heal you. It will pass, and you will feel good again soon. And good,hot sex does'nt hurt either...isn't that why most of us are here on this board? ;-) }>

 

good luck and I hope you feel better soon

[Guest wndrwoman]

>You've taken the first step by articulating that you have a

>problem. Now go and talk to an MD, rather than a bunch of

>guys who sit in front of computer screens talking about

>hookers :-)

 

 

Actually, in the "real" world, most people would have told our friend to "snap out of it" or "don't worry-be happy". Anyone who has suffered from depression knows that's bullshit logic and thank goodness no one here has made those kind of comments.

 

All of these guys have given you excellent advice, especially concerning meds and CBT. Sometimes antidepressants are used only on a short-term basis and can help "jumpstart" you back to a more productive state. And true, Wellbutrin is the only antidepressant on the market at the moment (I know because I work in the pharmaceutical industry), which does not interfere with sexual desire (just make sure you have no history of seizures). Take care of yourself,

Tina

[Guest Thunderbuns]

>Wellbutrin has a low incidence of sexual side effects. The

>antidepressant medications that frequently induce sexual

>side effects (particularly inability to orgasm or orgasm

>that doesn't feel very good) are in the SSRI (Selective

>Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) class. If you go to your

>primary care physician or a psychiatrist about this issue,

>be sure to address this issue.

 

Does anyone know the pros & cons of "Celexa", the trade name for Citalopram Hydrobrom?

 

Thanks

 

Thunderbuns

[Guest Wanderer]

Thanks again for your support. I have spent some time over the weekend doing some things I like to do (saw a movie, went to a picnic with relatives, played a bit)and quite honestly I feel somewhat better tonight. I will hold off on therapy for now, although I would start tomorrow if it were CBT therapy with Rick Monroe! Now that could be fun therapy! Maybe your bf Derek would be the therapist?

 

Seriously, I appreciate your help and I will give you some up-dates if you would like. I am grateful that you did not offer the simple solution such as a friend offered me on Friday when he said, "Sometimes it's good to be depressed a little bit" He seemed to pass it off, even though he went through a bout with it a year ago!

 

Have a good week. I will try to have one.

 

wanderer

[Guest wndrwoman]

>Does anyone know the pros & cons of "Celexa", the trade name

>for Citalopram Hydrobrom?

>

>Thanks

>

>Thunderbuns

 

 

Celexa's also an SSRI and can be an effective antidepressant. Side effects can include the usual nausea, drowsiness, etc. Don't take it if you have a history of seizures or mania (i.e. manic depression or cycling).

Antidepressants are wierd. I took Celexa at once point and it got me too drowsy. Some people swear by it though. I find human body chemistry fascinating - swear to god, everybody's so different...

 

Tina