When Your Gay Married Boss Sexually Harasses You!!

[Godiva]

Having spent a evening with the boys a few nights ago and talking about everything from the friends we lost in the Trade Center to how our sexuality has affected our families...One of the guys started to discuss a problem he is having at work..Jason(not his real name) is gorgeous and he gets hit on all the time by both men and women ..He is very confident and easygoing person..The problem is his boss who is a Closet Married Bisexual, VP of Production in the Auto Industry. Jason is also in the closet so no one at his job knows he is Gay...well that is except his Boss. Jason thinks they may have met at some gay club a few years back but he is not sure..Well the Boss keeps hitting on Jason and saying inappropriate things to him when they are alone. Jason has to report to this guy so that is why they are alone sometimes. So far Jason has ignored all of his advances..He loves his job but dreads the meetings with his boss. This is an extremely conservative company so anything deemed inappropriate could jepordize his employment.

 

Well after he shared this story we were all shocked and angry. We told him to get Human Resource involved but he doesn't what his sexuality to come out. His choice so we didn't argue the point..

 

One guy said to make a secret tape of the conversation and send it to the Boss' wife..Another said he should quit..The Boss is a sneaky son of a bitch so Jason is afraid of getting fired. I am sympathetic to him because about 10yrs ago I went thru a harassment episode with my Boss. I was leaving the company any way but I spoke up in my exit interview and the bastard was fired.

 

We are supporting him..I have told him to document w/date and time every time someting happens. We recommended a gay friendly lawyer friend of ours to give him some legal advice..

 

Has any one else been in this situation? and What other advice can you give?

 

Thanxs In Advance

G

[Guest cp8036]

Is the boss good-looking?

 

Just kidding. If the boss is a VP of Production for an Auto Maker, I would venture a guess to say this is a big company. Most big companies have a formal process for complaints and will review them seriously.

 

Even if the organization is conservative, they will need to look into the situation. Granted a report of a M-M harrassement could be awkward, they will soon learn how to deal with it. Perhaps being gay is a not a protected class in his state, but even absent that, they will want to stop a sexual harrassement case from going public.

 

Seeing the boss is married, he has a lot to loose by the issue getting any bigger.

 

He should try to get a similar position within the company to remove himself from the boss. While it may seem a bit of a surrender, now is not a good time to job hunt in the auto industry. When he is settled in the new position, report the ex-boss for harrassement. He will no longer report to the guy, and he will have had established a working relation with a new boss.

[Guest NakedTony]

G, this is an interesting and not uncommon situation. :-( I strongly recommend that your friend start keeping a diary of what's happening. I've learned through experience that it's best to keep the diary on a "secretary" type steno pad (the kind with the wire at the top) where the pages cannot be added. (This helps to prove that entries were made at a specific time and not added later.)

 

After he has documented several instances where he has clearly been harrassed, then he should consider legal action or talking with HR. He should also make sure to specifically tell his boss that his actions, words, and/or suggestions are inappropriate and unwanted. These warning/refusal statements should also be documented in the diary.

 

I don't think there is any way of dealing with this without coming out of the closet. Plus, if he doesn't make a complaint to the HR Department, then his credibility in a civil suit is dimenished.

 

FYI, federal law makes the company liable is they are alerted to a sexual harrassment situation and they do nothing about it. Chances are, if he goes to HR then shit will hit the fan for either his boss or himself. However, the company would be very foolish to take action against him as a "whistle blower". But, that doesn't mean that they won't find another reason to fire him.

 

I can't stress enough the need to DOCUMENT everything.

[+ deej]

As others have said, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.

 

If nothing else, it will make a cool diary when he's old and can't GET anyone to hit on him.

 

But by all means, get HR involved, if only as a head's up. There's nothing wrong with saying "I don't want to take action yet, but this is going on." If the HR people are smart they'll keep their mouths shut but there will be a record of a complaint.

 

And it may work in his favor if there is a record of other complaints. These things don't happen in a vaccuum, you know.

 

I don't see any reason your friend has to come out to pursue the complaint. Str8 guys get hit on inappropriately all the time.

 

If he *doesn't* involve HR, he's pretty much stuck with "he said, he said". That's a no-win.

[Guest Charon]

From my experience with HR, if he goes to them, he will create an absolute shitstorm that will destroy his boss and leave him smelling like he went diving in a cess pool.

 

Is it worth that to him?

 

If not, then do as others suggest and document exactly what transpired and when, and save it against the day he ever does want to do that to his boss.

 

One question, though. Has your friend ever said: "Your comments make me uncomfortable, you are my boss, please stop."

 

While there isn't any excuse for the boss's behavior, some people are just plain dim. He may need a jab or two with the cattle prod for him to realize he's over the line. Pretending not to hear isn't going to get the message through a thick skull.

 

Sorry if he hasn't done this, but so often I find in my conversations with much aggrieved people that the believe that other people should be able to read their minds, and they are shocked at the results when they actually speak them...

[Guest JH]

I agree absolutely with Charon; having a firm, but discreet word with the boss is the first step, indeed your friend would look pretty silly if he hasn't done this (and documented it) if he needs to take formal action later.

 

I used to be in business in the UK and we had a similar situation in our accounts office, although this was female:female. The victim spoke with me about it and I suggested that she should point out how inappropriate this behaviour was and how uncomfortable it made her feel. It worked - I didn't have to get involved (phew!!) and everyone saved face.

 

Hopefully this advice would be effective on both sides of the pond!

[phage]

I agree with Charon completely. Most guys do not grow up being hit on the way women are so we don’t develop the skills to defuse a situation like this before it becomes a maelstrom. It’s very likely that he has not taken the obvious step of making sure the boss understands the advances are unwelcome.

 

He really needs to decide whether this is serious enough to effectively end his career with his current employer. He can almost certainly bring the boss down, but the cruel facts are, he’ll go down with him.

 

If I were in that situation, I would first make it clear that I wasn’t interested. It’s obviously out in the open between the two of them so all he has to do is say that he has a boyfriend. If it continues, I would document the hell out of it and then confront the guy. Tell him that I will go to HR unless he supports a transfer to another department with a full and glowing recommendation.

 

The guy still might do some back-stabbing if he is particularly bitter, so the farther your friend can transfer, the better.

[Boston Guy]

Godiva,

 

I've never worked in a large company, so I cannot offer personal advice. However, I can relate what happened to a friend of mine.

 

He worked in a medium-sized company and had a position that required him to work with the president of the company on a regular basis. The president was "straight", married and had kids.

 

The president started making statements that first made my friend uncomfortable and then, over a short time, crossed the line into what he considered harassment. He told the president it made him uncomforable and he made a diary of each and every instance. He also went to HR to document the problem but told them that he didn't want to make a big deal of it yet and thought he might be able to work it out on his own. HR agreed to not take any formal action at that time.

 

One time not long after that, the president tried to kiss him. My friend went back to HR and made a formal complaint. Legal counsel got involved and it turned out that the president was doing this with other guys as well. The president was fired and one lawyer, in an aside, said to my friend "well, it looks like you'll have a job here as long as you like."

 

In another incident, a different friend worked for a large bank in NYC twenty years ago. His male boss was harassing him. He wasn't out at the bank, but the harassment was literally making him sick. He finally went to HR and his boss, who was a fairly senior VP, was fired -- and the bank added a clause to its discrimination policy to address the situation.

 

Every company's different. But every employee deserves a harassment-free environment and your friend is no different.

 

BG

[Godiva]

Thank you all for your insightful and valid observations..

 

Do you think that if he goes the route of getting the Boss' wife involved it would be nipped in the bud? He is trying to handle this quietly and doesn't want to be outed in this manner.

 

 

G

[Boston Guy]

G:

 

Every situation's different. But I always think the best way to proceed is to keep things professional.

 

This is business and the guy's his boss. I would strongly suggest he not go to the wife. It's not his business to talk to his boss's wife.

 

BG

[+ deej]

I agree with BG.

 

This is a professional matter between your friend and his boss.

 

I'm curious why you bring up the wife, though. You haven't mentioned her before. There are a couple of things that could happen if he mentions the situation to the wife:

 

1) "yeah I know ... we have an 'agreement' about his outside activities"

 

2) "he WHAT?!?!?!? you BITCH!!!!!!" (sound of ashtrays crashing on the wall, followed by 14 stiches on the back of his skull)

 

3) "I see" said calmly, and that night she grabs hubby's nuts in the sack and convinces him to get rid of "the fag" immediately OR ELSE.

 

Or any combination of the above. Neither is pretty, or resolves anything.

 

As the rest of the thread recommends, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT and involve HR in a low-key manner until there is no other alternative but to pursue action.

 

Keep it professional.

[Guest bluboy]

Oh, puhleeze! He needs to get over it and move on. He should ask his boss to show him his cock and on seeing it say, it is too small for anything interesting to happen between us, Good Luck to you. We should not go down the path of female hysteria, the work place is steaming with sex and when it is hot wow- look out. I still think Monica on her knees sucking Bill while he was talking to heads of state remains last century's hotest fantasy. I keep hoping my boss says to me: "do you want a raise? suck on this!" Then it would be my dream job. blu

[Boston Guy]

Consider hiring an attorney

 

G:

 

I was thinking of your friend this morning. One alternative that he might really want to consider is to engage an attorney, especially one who is knowledgeable in workplace issues.

 

There are some lawyers on this list and perhaps they can provide better advice on this.

 

But it sounds like he works for a pretty large company and, if so, he may well need legal representation whenever the shit does finally hit the fan. And it doesn't cost much to go in for a consult and then have the person available.

 

BG

[Guest Charon]

RE: Consider hiring an attorney

 

I agree with others that going to his wife sounds like a very _BAD_ idea.

[Godiva]

RE: Consider hiring an attorney

 

Thanxs guys for the additional comments..I spoke to him yesterday and he said that the reason he was considering going to his boss' wife was a last resort. He was hoping that it would cause enough stress in his Boss' life so he would leave him alone and he wouldn't have to go public..

 

His whole point to me was that he doesn't want to go public with this. His friends and family are unaware of his sexuality. He has documented conversations. He also told me his boss' won't take no for an answer. His Boss' tells him he wants to fuck him..I can't believe it and I would have handled it differently but I can't force my thoughts on him.

 

I will share the many thoughts here with him.

 

Thanxs

G

[Guest Charon]

RE: Consider hiring an attorney

 

Sorry to hear he's tried the cattleprod and he won't take no for an answer.

 

Probably time to document and light the stick of dynamite then.

[Guest Java]

RE: Consider hiring an attorney

 

In my last position, I was the EEO/AA officer to whom aggrieved persons took complaints of harrassment, etc. The process (and I suspect that the process in a large corporation would be similar) was strictly confidential. Great lengths were taken to preserve both the "victim" and the "offender" from gossip, libel, etc. (The company would be very mindful to make sure that the possibility of litigation is minimized.) While the question of "why do you think the boss is acting this way?" would be asked of your friend, he would not need to reveal his sexual status. Stating that he had done nothing to encourage the behavior would be satisfactory. Many straight guys are hit on by both men and women so there really isn't an automatic inference that he is gay. Plus, I doubt that the boss would say that he thought it was okay since he saw him at a gay club. The company would be most interested in getting the bahavior stopped than to find out what was really said or to punish the cretin. Most likely a transfer would occur unless your friend is looking for more punitive measures against the boss.

 

I also agree that your friend should document all past behavior (specific conversations, touching, times, dates, etc.) as well as any ongoing conversations. Best of luck!