A really weird book question ... help?

[ariadne1880]

I have been counseling a young friend about his inability to love (the usual he wasn't loved as a child, has been screwed over in relationships) and am feeling that I am not professionally qualified to give him any further advice. I still want to help him, though. He won't go see a therapist .. at least not yet. But I was wondering if there was a book or books out there that someone could suggest that might be helpful to this young man?

 

He is gay. He is interested in someone. He has told the person "I love you, too" but has been unable to go any further. To the extent that he has kept communication with this person to a bare minimum because he is so emotionally stunted in his growth.

 

I am looking to get him a book that might deal with this perspective. I'm hoping it might help him decide to go to a therapist to get more answers.

 

I checked Amazon but the choices were so enormous I barely knew where to start.

 

Thanks for any suggestions.

[+ Lucky]

Ariadne (Mark), I would like to help you with this as you do not show much love here on the boards. One thing I found off the bat is a list of 101 things you can do to show that you love someone:

 

http://priory.com/paeds/101%20ways.htm

 

I hope by posting this that I have shown my love for you. Maybe that is item 102!!!

[ariadne1880]

LOL. Thanks. Not quite what I'm looking for. My friend needs some help with accepting love, what love is, how to take the next steps. That sort of thing.

 

But I appreciate the thought!

[+ g56whiz]

It's not a book but it's something it took me over 40 years to learn: you can't can't love anyone unless you in some way love yourself first. If your friend is from a dysfunctional family, it may well be that he needs to find a way to replace the disaffection of his parents with some acceptance and love himself first before looking for ways to express love of another.

[Juan Vancouver]

Hey man!

 

I have been reading Psychology books and related material for many many years for my professional training and my favourite two dealing with Love, either towards oneself or in a relationship are:

 

"The mastery of Love" by Miguel Ruiz

 

Incredibly easy to read. Simple and to the point. Uplifting, and at the same time ruthless. You will not find it in the Psycology area but perhaps in the New Age one. Don't be fooled by that, this is serious and useful stuff.

 

and,

 

"Conscious Loving" by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks

 

The ultimate guide to jump into a relationship without falling into the trap of co-dependency and thus loosing yourself.

 

I really recommend both of them. Whether you are in a relationship or not, they are amazing tools if you are interested in self-empowerment and personal growth.

 

My best wishes to you and your friend.

[ariadne1880]

I do think you are right about that. My friend -- who is 20 -- seems very secure on the surface (has the looks, the body, the brains, etc) but inside feels he was never loved. Both parents basically abandoned him when he was 5 and he never saw them again until he was 15. He's had 2 boyfriends and both relationships broke up when -- as he says -- "I finally gave myself to them and then they didn't want me anymore." He was unable to say "I Love You" to either of them. He has no relationship with his father whatsover.

 

It's a fairly typical story I'll admit.

 

I realize you can't learn everything from a book but I was just hoping there was a title out there that might at least get him looking at the right questions and might provide some guidance on how to get the answers.

[+ g56whiz]

I didn't think Juan could be any sexier than my fantasies of him but his last post above proved me wrong. [sigh . . .]

[ariadne1880]

Thanks. I looked those up. They seem like very interesting choices and might be just what he needs. I will order them .... Much appreciated.