Haven't seen a thread on jokes ...

[Guest ncm2169]

... so I'll start one.

 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. :+

 

Who else would like to contribute? }(

[Lookin]

The Rooster

 

 

A farmer is complaining to his neighbor that his hens have stopped laying, and he’s facing financial ruin. The neighbor says, “Same thing happened to me, but I got this incredible new rooster and my hens are laying like you wouldn’t believe! Even better, the rooster has a twin brother that I can let you have for five hundred bucks.”

 

“Sold!”, the farmer says, and takes his new rooster home. The rooster is better than anyone could have hoped. Within days, the hens are all laying at least twice a day. When he’s finished in the henhouse, the rooster turns his attention to the ducks. When he’s done chasing the ducks, the rooster goes after the farmer’s turkeys. He’s busy from morning till night.

 

After a few weeks of this, the farmer starts getting concerned. “Look”, he says to the rooster, I’m really happy with what you’ve done for my hens and my farm, but you just can’t keep up this pace. I’m afraid you’ll wear yourself out, and I don’t know what I’ll do if anything ever happens to you. Just take it a little easy, OK?”

 

The rooster shrugs it off, and doesn’t slow down at all. In fact, he even starts chasing the farmer’s geese, and a nasty old swan. The farmer just throws up his hands. Sure enough, one morning the farmer looks out and sees the rooster lying in the yard, flat on his back. “Oh, no!”, the farmer cries, running out and throwing himself on the ground next to his prize rooster. The rooster’s eyes are shut tight, his tongue hanging out, legs straight up in the air, with the buzzards circling overhead.

 

“I knew it!”, the farmer starts wailing. “You’ve finally killed yourself, and I don’t know what I’m going to do! You were the only thing keeping my farm going, and now you’re dead! I’m ruined!”

 

The rooster opens one eye just a crack and whispers, “Shhh! You wanna fuck a buzzard, you play a buzzard’s game.”

[Guest josephga]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge

wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

 

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time

you lie, the hands on your clock move.'

 

'Oh,' said the man. Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's,' replied St. Peter.

'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

 

'Incredible, ' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's

Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two

lies in his entire life.'

 

'Where's george bushes clock?' asked the man.

 

'george's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[KMEM]

An old farmer had a bull who was beyond his prime. He had just about decided to turn him into hamburger when the farmer's son suggested they consult the vet first to see if any thing could be done. The old farmer agreed.

 

The vet came out to the farm and gave some liquid to the bull. The bull immediately began to go around the pasture and service every bossie there.

 

The son turned to the vet and said, "That is amazing. What is in that liquid?"

 

Just then the old farmer says, "Tastes like peppermint."

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[+ deej]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a House of Prostitution and, sometimes, it says some pretty vulgar stuff."`

 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."`

 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, that's really not so bad. When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."`

 

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.`

 

Moments later, the woman's husband, Jamie, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Jamie".