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A Message From John Cleese


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Received this via e-mail from a friend. Very funny. :-)



Britain is Repossessing the USA

A Message from John Cleese


To: The citizens of the United States of America


In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President

of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the

revocation of your independence, effective immediately.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which

she does not fancy).


Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of

you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following

rules are introduced with immediate effect:


You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.


1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will

be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and

'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without

skipping half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the

suffix -ise.


Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of



There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your

behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of

the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn

your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.


4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.


Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to

sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then

you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.


6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you

wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we



Holden Monaro's are also approved.


8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you

will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.


9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato

chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in

animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to

as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are

pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be

due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what

it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen

Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English

dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having

one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of

proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in

time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds

or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nannies). Don't try

Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they

regularly thrash us.


14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn

cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the

sting out of their deliveries.


15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all

monies due (backdated to 1776).


17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs,

with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


God save the Queen.. ( * )


John Cleese


(*) Why ONLY the Queen?

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