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HEAVY PETTING (not for the humor challenged).


jackhammer91406
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Do you have a cat or dog? This might be funny to you.....

 

 

THE DIARY

THE DOG'S DIARY

 

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 

 

THE CAT'S DIARY: day 983 of my captivity

 

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed

hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the

rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to

keep up my strength.

 

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt

to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated

a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this

would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my

capabilities. However, they merely make condescending comments about

what a "good little hunter" I am.

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was

placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,

I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my

confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I must learn what this

means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my

tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try

this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

 

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and

seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The

bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards

regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have

arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe,

for now...

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I received this from an academic:

 

[h3]Why Graduate Students are Like Cats[/h3][uL][LI] They are your friends if you feed them.[LI] They talk to you and you can't understand what they are saying.[LI]They tend to run amok in the apartment/house for no apparent reason in short

bursts of frenzy, followed by dormancy.[LI]They can survive with a minimum of attention, but do like to be noticed and

praised every so often.[LI] They are creatures of the night.[LI]They follow instructions if they feel like it.[LI]They can be soft and cuddly when they feel like it.[LI] Cats barf hairballs, grad students barf highballs (and any other drink they

can consume to excess).[LI] Food is very important to them.[LI] Sleep is also very important to them.[LI] Both can sleep or otherwise ignore you while you are talking to them.[LI] Both hide when something big and noisy (vacuum cleaner or supervisor) comes

into their vicinity.[LI] They eat some of the most disgusting things (free food)[LI] They can sleep just about anywhere[LI] They have their own set of morals[LI] They both like using the computer (cats for warmth)[LI] They both could care less about (insert anything here)[LI] They both get amazingly high on herb extracts[LI] They both represent anarchy in its most creative form[LI] They both show a general lack of respect for authority

[LI] You see them only at dinner hour[LI]you get looks like "and you are?", "this concerns me how?", "am I under

arrest? can I go now?" ,and "duuuude!" from them at least once a day[LI]the idea of movement horrifies them[LI]they both tend to collapse in the middle of rooms due to alcohol and/or

a warm sunbeam.[LI]they are both vomit machines[/ul]

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