I Guess It's Better To Have Deep Liked (Maybe Loved) And Lost...

[+ Gar1eth]

(Note: I'm not trying to be frivolous with this posting. I know the majority of you have had much longer/deeper relationships with loss than I have ever had. But you can only go with what you know. And unfortunately as little as this was compared to what most of you have experienced, this has been my deepest-or at least my second deepest relationship. I have nothing else to compare it to. )

 

 

I was in (for me) a deep f-ckbuddy relationship for a year or a little more with Thom (a nom-de-f*ck) before I moved back home 17 months ago. It was easily the 2nd most intense relationship I've ever had ( the 1st occurred about 25 years ago in my 30's with someone who lived with me intermittently but with whom I never had sex because #1 he was (probably) straight, and #2 I had made a vow 8 years before in my early 20's when I realized I was never going to develop feelings for women that I was never going to act on being gay).

 

My fbuddy relationship with Thom wasn't perfect. He lived 47 miles away. He was married (to a man) but in an open relationship. It sounded to me like they didn't have sex much or at all. (I was a bit leery but still jumped in because I really liked the guy. I felt a lot better when I found his partner's profile on a hookup app, so I knew Thom hadn't lied about the open relationship). But we didn't meet that often for sex because neither of us could host. We did see each other usually at least every other week or so-we'd go driving around together. And towards the end we became suckbuddies more than f-ckbuddies.

 

When we first got together he informed me that he was staying with his spouse-a guy much older than him-and had no intention of leaving him. They had been together over 10 years. That was fine with me. I wasn't looking for a husband. I wanted a good friend and sex.

 

Then I moved away. We emailed and texted at first. But it was frustrating as I knew it would be difficult for us to ever see each other again. He did have family in the area. So I thought he might occasionally visit. Finally around the end of December I messaged him but he never returned it. On top of that physically I felt like cr-p for most of December and January due to my myasthenia gravis. I constantly felt as if I had an elephant sitting on my chest making it difficult to breathe. And along with that I was having trouble chewing because my jaws were so weak and trouble swallowing due to a weak tongue. I almost went to the Emergency Department three times. And if I had been just a bit worse, I would have. Because I felt so bad, emailing Thom was one of the last things on my mind. So I didn't try extremely hard to reconnect until just recently.

 

Since then I've occasionally sent a message to see how things were going with him. When he didn't answer I thought-ok he's mad because I didn't send more messages earlier-or he's just, naturally due to the circumstances, moved on. But it bugged me because I thought we had meant more to each other than that. He had seen me thru the death of a parent, cancer surgery, and development of myasthenia gravis all within the space of 12 months (I guess you could call it an "interesting" year for me). Before the move even when we weren't seeing each other in person, we texted all the time.

 

Recently he's sent two short emails in reply to mine. He said things were crazy at work, so he hadn't had much time to email. I thought ok. Then two days ago he emailed me that he and his husband (with whom he had at least a 10 year relationship ) had broken up. And he's in a new monogamous relationship. He said he hadn't been responding to emails because he didn't know how to tell me.

 

I have to admit when I read that-it took the wind out of my sails. I mean I'm happy if he's found someone he loves. But it hurts. Although while we were great at being buddies, I'm pretty sure an actual boyfriend relationship wouldn't have worked. There were areas we weren't compatible at all. But even as fbuds, we cared for each other a lot (unless I totally misread the situation. But I don't think I did).

 

In any case with my move, I knew we would never have the same relationship we had before. (I had assumed he would find a new fbuddy in my place, (but I wasn't expecting him to divorce his husband) I had thought there was a vague chance he might visit occasionally because of his nearby relative, and we could see each other-maybe have sex-or not. But I like this guy. And if he visited I wanted to introduce him (as a friend) to my family.

 

Now I guess I'm a sort-of ex. I've never been one before. And in this case we weren't separated due to the relationship running its course, but due to external circumstances of me moving 1500 miles away. Again I knew we'd never have a real relationship again. And he's obviously moved on. But it's affecting me more than I thought it might.

 

With Thom telling me that his new relationship is monogamous, I'm thinking that he's letting me know that we can't continue to email. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I found out my boyfriend was still emailing an ex. But I'll have to feel this out. And obviously I'll need to not mention anything suggestive if we do continue which may be difficult as some of our best moments together revolves around the physical.

 

I actually never thought I'd ever have a relationship deep enough to be an ex. I guess I should thank Providence that it happened once. As lightning doesn't strike twice (yes, I know that's a fallacy), I doubt it will happen again. And I am glad for Thom. I'm just melancholic over our former relationship. I miss him.

 

Gman

Edited August 26, 2019 by Gar1eth